Okay , here's 14 years of a story in a nutshell. My husband is in aviation. I was too, when we met. After we got married, we lived in the US ( where I'm from) for a couple of years. Then he got a good oppurtunity in his country and after many heated discussions, I agreed to quit my job and move. Bad, bad choice... 9/11 occured shortly after and he lost his job and we had to move (2 kids as well) in for a year w my family. My kids were 3 and 1 so I just took some language classes around my husbands schedule. Then he got an offer in the UK and I was more than happy to be independant as a family, and we lived there for four years. At first, I wanted so badly to go back to school and establish "myself" in some way, but my husband was not very receptive to the idea and discouraged that thought. Ok so... Mean while, I'm now a mother of 3, far from my family and though I had never been particularly "ambitious" , I was starting to want something a little apart from the house and kids.
With the same company, we transfered to Italy. We are much happier here. However, I have almost no chance of working a job that I may like. (due to the economy and language hindrence). My only option would be to teach kids English (privately) and I have 0 interest in doing that.
My husbands now in year 10 with the same company, comes home every night, has moved to a higher position and all that positive stuff. But here I am... Thankful for all my blessings, but feeling more and more of an itch to have a little career myself. I just turned 40, so that may add to my sense of uselessness as well.
Here are our options.
There are two good reasons why it's best for us to move back to the US.
1) the kids have a better education there
2) I can have a job, have a pension, retirement of my own on day
The hard part is my husband would be having to commute from Asia. And though the scedules will be 2 weeks on/2 weeks off, it'll still be a sacrifice for both
what advise do you kind people have for me. Continue in my "everythings" fine life, and make peace with never being able to have a job, or, move and start a new life again, with the option of broadening my horizons as well.
Please help? What would you do?
Thank you all so much for your responses! I've missed out a lot of little other details during the 14 years marriage such asthe fact that we had moved numerous other times as well. You see Italy is only as permanant as his Job is. Meaning, if he gets laid off, we have to sell the house and pack up permanantly. Where as if we were living in the US, if that happened, we would not need to uproute in terms of a house. That to me is another issue since that has happened to us many times. Also, though I'm fine here, a part of me feels really scared to be fully dependant on a man. I feel like I might be kicking myself later in life for not establishing myself and be resentful. We still have some time to iron out things, so I'll keep you'll posted. By the way, my husband is a commercial pilot, not milatary. Thanks again and blessings to all...
I personally would never want to be away from my husband or take my children's Daddy away from them just so I could have a career.
I think it sounds like it would be best for the kids if you moved back to the US because of their education. IMHO, kids come 1st. It sounds like you would be a lot happier here also.
Very best wishes!!! =o)
Okay - I'm confused...
1. You state your husband would have to commute from Asia - but you tell us you are in Italy..
2. You have a GREAT life...but it's not good enough... sorry...you won't find much sympathy from me...
a. your children have a WONDERFUL opportunity to be MULTI-lingual - which is VERY important - at least to me it is.
b. you state you have almost NO CHANCE to get a job...but you do - however, you are holding yourself back...because of YOUR LACK of initiative...
I would NOT separate my family unless it meant keeping a roof over my head...my kids deserve better than that...
If your husband has position and "power" then maybe he can request a job in the U.S.....however, I STRONGLY believe that you are doing your family a disservice by wanting to separate so you can have a career...YOU HAVE ONE - you just don't get paid for it...you are a MOTHER - raising her children....that's a job that many women would die for....
Bottom line? I think you are having a mid-life crisis.
Some thoughts:
Commuting from Asia??? This is a huge sacrifice for him. I would not want my husband doing that at all.
A pension? They don't really exist anymore unless you have a union position. These positions are almost always patronage so unless you know someone your chances are not good of getting one.
I would not do anything unless you have a real plan. you are really ambiguos right now. Just wanting a little something for yourself is not a good enough reason to move the whole family. Having a real gameplan will be. Figure out what industry you want to work on, what you would like to do and what education do you need to get there.
OTOH-I can see why you would want to live in the US. Can your husband work for another airline perhaps?
I say, learn italian or asian where ever you are. THen find a job. Teach your kids italian too.
I would learn Italian and get a great job in Italy. What a great opportunity for you and the kids to be bilingual. I'm sure there are English speaking people over there, right? English seems to be everywhere.
You state that you can get a job, it's just hard. You know our economy sucks too right? lol, just sayin. It's not all gravy finding a job here either. Does Italy really have worse schools than here? If so, home school and work. It does seem like you need an outside life, create one where you are at. Adapt and overcome babe.
See if he can move over to a US airline stateside. Like an international airline. Right now, I would discover Italy with your children and make it a book of memories. I'd kick my mom if she didn't make a memorable travel book for us lol (can you tell I would love to travel there haha) . Going everywhere does get old b/c you want to settle down and feel secure, I would just look for outlets so you don't worry too much and keep looking for airline opportunities to move stateside again.
Learn Italian.
Then get a job in Italy, something that gets you out of the house. Even at a Bistro/cafe kind of place.
Or go to the university there, after you learn Italian, it isn't too hard, you are in the country. Consider yourself a foreign exchange student, then get a degree from them.
Are you close to any of the Navy bases? You could go to MCCS or MWR and see if they are hiring civilians. That will get you out of the house.
Education is different here than it is there Not necessarily better or worse. I am speaking from having a German for exch student. THey completed the same curriculum as our students just at a different timeline than ours. In the end Germans speak three to four languages and complete calculus, Chemistry, Biology and Physics. Along with World Geography and World History, just no real American History.
Right now you are feeling sorry for yourself. Do something to make yourself happier, take some language courses, take some Italian technical courses. Take some online PHoenix courses.
I am a Marine wife of 18 years. My education stopped at 4 years, one semester shy of a degree. I too am useless, according to corporate America. But I have raised my children, my youngest is 10. When they are all in school, I homeschool through this next year, then I will go back and finish. I will do what I want and maybe get a job teaching Latin and Greek. Maybe not. I still have some time, I'm not dead yet. Neither are you.
Two weeks on two weeks off in a different country is a hell of a schedule to keep up. It's a hell of a schedule to keep up here in the US. One week Pendleton, one week Quantico, one week Lejeune. I do not wish that one on anybody.
I know exactly how you feel.
My husband is from Holland and we did the same thing and had the same issues. We ended up moving back because I wanted to. It is hard being on the other side of the world. Hard to work, make friends, etc. I totally get it. Think about it really hard because it is a big decision. My husband still would rather live over there and we still have discussions about it. There is a lot to think aboutand we are still debating if we made the right choice.
Education is not always best here. I'm not sure about Italy, but most of Europe has amazing education. Maybe if you learn Italian or nanny for a family? There are a lot of jobs you could do if you want to stay there. If you want to move back to America, nothing will make you happy there.
What do your kids think?
Why don't you start taking college courses on-line? You will be glad you didn't disrupt your family. I dropped out of college when we started moving around, had to work part-time to balance our finances and still be a mom. I went back to college when they finished their undergrad degrees, and I graduated when I was 50. On-line college wasn't available back when we started moving. I've never been sorry about postponing my plans. My only regret was marrying before I finished college. I would have been a greater asset to my husband and family had I done that.
We are living in a global economic world now, so exposing your children to international living and education is something most American's don't have the opportunity to do. I'm trying to teach my children to make the most of whatever the situation is, and I would suggest you do the same for yourself. Learn the language in whatever city/country you are in. Find other American's living there and start/join a social group. Find a hobby you like, that can be turned into a business down the road. Write about your experiences living abroad, become a tourist guide/or realitor for Americans moving to Italy ( I see that on HGTV's House Hunters all the time). I think there are so many things you could do from there (or anywhere) to meet your goals of being financially independent, establishing "you", and educating your children. As other post have said, people in the US have sold their homes to move to other states for work. There are good and bad schools here.
Your "two good reasons" for moving back to the US may not be as valid as you think. As others have stated, your kids will not necessarily have a better education in the US. In fact, most of Europe has a much better educational system than a lot of the US...plus the fact that your kids get exposed to culture, history (European, of course) and multiple languages! Take this opportunity for both you and your kids to learn Italian (and/or German, French, etc!).
Your second reason, a job/pension/retirement, is also difficult. The economy here is still recovering...and the aviation industry is still hit hard. You are NOT stuck with "only" teaching English in Italy. Go be a tour guide! As someone else mentioned, see if you can get a civilian job at a military base. Or, if you want to "finish" school, take online classes.
Even if your stay in Italy is only as permanent as your husband's job, is that so bad? I guess I have a different point of view, since I grew up as an Army brat. Getting to live somewhere new (and heck, even having the chance to live overseas!) every 4 years was fun..even if the initial transition was hard.
Personally I would go for the staying in Italy and teaching kids to speak/read English.
Start a blog! (& get on Facebook if you haven't already). You have unique experiences that may be of great interest to many & there are MANY other parents of young kids - usually women - who are feeling "stuck" and unfulfilled in some way. I was watching an episode of The Waltons on TV the other day & Olivia Walton was experiencing this. It's common & it isn't new. You need & deserve some "you" time & experiences, but I fear for your sanity & your family life if you go with the half-time marriage idea.
Why do you have zero interest in teachng the children English - but then say you want to move to the U.S. where they would need to speek english? Maybe take babysteps and start with teaching English to the kids so that when you come back to the US they will be prepared and less stress. As for you, I thought the idea suggested about volunteer work was great.
Good luck!
My husband is in the Navy and I understand that it will be difficult for me to establish a career as long as the Navy is moving us around every few years. I have been working on my graduate degree so I can teach college courses on-line.
My mother does have an advance degree, but since my Dad is still active duty, she's put her career on hold. (They also lived in Italy for a few years. Hated it!) But she did stay involved in volunteer work and social opportunities.
I guess, for military spouses, it is a bit different because there is an finite timeline for these overseas assignments. If you discuss options and timelines with your husband, I'm certain you have a better chance of coming to some sort of compromise. In the meantime, writing is always an option.
I truly understand where you are coming from and truly hope things work out for you. Your fear of being totally dependent on another person is well founded. We just never know what life is going to hand us. Expanding your knowledge and experience through education, work or whatever means that is right for you will do three things: (1) put you in a better position to take care of your family in the event your husband cannot or you find yourself without him (it happens); (2) give you a sense of security as well as personal satisfaction that will make you more confident and a better partner; and (3) set a good example and show your children (both sexes) that women are equal partners, not limited by the expectations of others and capable of achieving whatever they set out to do.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks you should do or not do. Obviously you have a need in your life that is not being fulfilled by your present circumstances. Take whatever time required to find out what you truly need, want and would be best for you, then work on a plan that considers your entire family. There are lots of options that would set you on the path to expanding your horizons without disrupting your current situation such as online college courses, learning to speak Italian, etc.
Sounds like you are a smart cookie and I wish you the very best in whatever you decide. In the meantime have fun enjoying the culture and beauty of Italy and making wonderful memories with your family. Ciao!!
I think the poster means that her job would be to teach (other people's) kid's to speak English (be a language teacher), not to teach her own kids (who I assume speak English if it is spoken in the home).
Just to help with some misinformation you seem to have... your children will have a better education in Italy, not the USA. The USA falls behind every developed nation that is part of the EU, Canada, Scandanavia, Japan, Australia and even some just getting out of the communist rut Russian countries. Don't move to the USA because you THINK your children will be getting abetter education - because that is false.
Keep in mind, you wish to move to the USA to be closer to your family and to get a job... which in this economy without an education or serious line of continuous employment along a similar career path will be not feasible. Even getting back into aviation after being out so long will not be feasible. It will take at least 5 years to get anywhere NEAR what you want out of a possible career choice.
If you worry about money, start a mutual fund or IRA for yourself in the numerous online banking possibilities and take out a certain stipend from your husband's paychecks and put it into those accounts.
You never mentioned which country your husband was from, nor the ages of your children. Most younger children (under 16 y/o) learn multiple languages very easily and in Europe and most other countries - the average person knows 3-4 languages. They will be better off with this experience as adults should they chose to move back to the USA.
I would keep the family together. I see no reason to move the kids away from dad and add the huge extra expense and hassle to his life to commute when it's all to satisfy your itch. I get that you want some security. If he is making the kind of money that would allow him to commute globally, than he is making the kind of money where he can set you up some IRAs to insure your financial future. And he should have a ton of life insurance. Why don't you wright a book about your experiances. Or a cookbook. I'd love to see what kind of recipies you've leraned living all over the world. Or you can take online classes to further your education. I'd also suggest you learn Italian.
