When to Tell My Daughter About Being Raped?

When she is at least 25(and I was raped at 13 by my boyfriend while people ignored my screams and begging for help)

For M. I would tell her at middle school but not say it was M. but a friend, if its a lesson that can be learned. For example, if I was out drinking and it happened...or I got in the car with an adult and it happened...if it was a lesson and I thought it could prevent somethng from happening to her I'd share around the age it happened to M., but not let her kow it was M.. If it was nothing that could be prevented I wouldn;t share.

I would not tell her. Maybe someday when she is an adult. In a few years when you think she is active, you can tell her to be careful. There is nothing wrong with explaining to her then that some men are not nice. She is way too young for any of that now. You would just scare and sadden her.

I personally would not tell your daughter specificly about your experience. I would discuss what to do if she should do if she is ever in that situation. I would discuss not putting herself in a situation where that could happen to her. I would discuss how she can talk to you about anything that might happen to her and answer any and all questions she may have (about anything)...God Forbid but if it ever happened to her or a friend and needs to be comforted than I would share your experiece...but hopefully, that time will never come.
Take care of yourself and talk to your doctor about your anxiety and work through your fears...but don't make them your daughters fears as well.

please do not burden your daughter with your story. At some point, when she is fully an adult, you may find an appropriate time to share with her. Until then, I truly & full-heartedly believe that this is too much for her to bear.

I also believe that it is up to you to provide a safe & secure life for her. Please teach her "street smarts", teach her to be savvy in her choices, & keep all of your anxiety to yourself.

& not knowing anything about your own mom's past does not equate with sharing a story such as this. Yes, it happened. Yes, at some point during adulthood, you may have the chance to share it. & yes, her heart will break for you. Please allow her to develop as an adult before sharing. Peace.

I agree with Victoria. I know if I learned my mom had been raped (at any point in her life, let alone as a child!), I would be traumatized and devastated. What can she do with the information, other than feel sad and scared? Please, please discuss this with a professional before confiding in your daughter.

Sounds like to me, you need to deal with your past and your anxiety first, without bringing your daughter into it. There is no reason at this time to put that in her head. Just teach her safety and caution and how to deal with certain situations. Starting middle school is already filled with anxiety for these kids, do not add anything else to her plate right now. If you were "abused" by a bus driver, would you have told your daughter this at 5; the first time she stepped on a school bus? No.... so same concept. I am SO SORRY this happened to you at such a young age, but please do not associate this HORRIBLE act with a time period that it could happen. It is not any more likely to happen at this time than it is to happen, let's say today. So just teach her safety. I think this is something you should share with her later in life and not associated it with a time period but instead with a time it is emotionally right, not time table right! Here is a (((HUG))).

I wouldn't tell her until she was an adult. My mom was assaulted and she told me when I was an adult and I was outraged. I think the anger and pain I felt are not something I would have been able to handle as a child. I would talk out your feelings with a therapist or clergy or even a great friend before sharing with your children, especially since you are still in a healing process. Good luck!!

I am so sorry that this happened to you! Definitely talk to your doctor/therapist about this. What happened to you was a crime and a tragedy and you are so strong now. Her going to middle school is bringing up issues for you - they are your issues to deal with, though. I would not tell her about your being raped. That is WAY too much for a young woman to handle. And it is not her issue.

Now, to make yourself feel better, talk to her about confidence, protection, trusting her gut, saying no, etc. All the stuff she needs to know. And if you think she'd benefit from a self defense class, check out http://www.prepareinc.com/ or something like it. I took this class and it was amazing. I have not needed it, but I know it is still in my brain.

Take care of yourself, get therapy for this new stress. Teach her to be safe, but do not scare her with your story - it would be too overwhelming. You can do it mama!

Honestly, from experience ---please deal with your anxiety with a trusted counselor/therapist etc. I would not tell your daughter until she is a bit older. What I would do is proactively teach her self-defense techniques etc and things that she can do if she is ever in a situation that could result in this. Help her be empowered to use her voice and body to defend herself from anything or anyone that makes her feel uncomfortable. I just want to say that you are a super strong woman and I think you are so brave for telling us of your experience. I understand where you are coming from. Take care---

M

Not sure what type of doctor you are referring to, but do you have a therapist or counselor you can discuss the anxiety with, to learn how to deal with the feelings your having? Please don't project your anxiety & fears onto your daughter. I can't imagine being that age & having that type of burdening information on my shoulders, in addition to starting a new chapter of my life, personally.

What you CAN do is arm her with the power of information, on how to be street smart & protect herself, as a young woman.

I would not tell her , to be honest. I was in high school when my Mom told me and my sister something similar. We both wish she had not shared that information. I would not unburden your anxiety onto your daughters. Teach them safety without the fear of having history repeat itself. Also, look into a way for you ease your own anxiety about this transition.

Why would you want to burden such a young child with such horrible information about her mother? My mom shared something similar with me when I was about 18 and that was still overwhelming. I wish I didn't know about it. You can educate your daughters without scarring them.

When she is an adult and has a healthy outlook and experiences with sex.

I think I was about 18 when my mom told me her horrible past.
And while it was still difficult to deal w/...I was much better equipped to handle the news at that age than I ever could have been any earlier.
I hope you can work through your anxiety w/ your Dr..
Hugs to you!

I'm not sure that's something you need to share with your daughter. If it were ME, I would NEVER tell my daughter. She'll hold on to that for the rest of her life, and it's not for us to burden our children but to relieve their burdens.

Tell her positive things from your life. Don't be a victim.

The best way to handle your anxiety is to face it responsibly. Teach her what she needs to know about being safe...but not by making yourself the example.

I am so sorry that this happened to you, by the way.

I am assuming you were raped. Why would you tell her? I would discus
things in general terms, but not get into your life.

Are you nuts ?

Why on earth would you tell this to your kids ? NEVER would I share this, what good will it do to them ? Emotionally scar them !! You do NOT have to share every last thing with your kids, being a parent you are supposed to use discretion about things - and unless this is some 'life lesson' it should not be used. I would never bring this up. Its like you are using your kids as your therapist - your anxiety should be discussed with a professional NOT your kids. Your kids can learn about other things about your childhood, not this. I am really shocked that you are even considering doing this. You are opening a can of worms when they want to know every last detail of how you were raped, is that what you want ? NO ONE needs to know or relive this. I think you really need to speak to a therapist because it doesn't sound like you have healed from this, and sharing this with any family members is wrong. Share positive things with your kids about your childhood, and if you choose to share not so positive things, do not discuss being raped, using drugs, or promiscuous behavior !!! Is your point to scare your children in not wanting to step out of their house again ????? Think clearly here, you will 100% harm your children if you open your mouth about this. HUGE mistake of your life if you do this. Don't be stupid here.

you need counseling on this one.....this is a deep rooted crisis that deserves the best, most gentle care from a professional to get the proper guidance on how & when to tell your daughte

I am so sorry this happened to you. You must be very strong woman to have been able to deal with this.

I know you want to share this with her so she will understand your own anxiety. You are also aware you do not want to make this transition for her, going from Elementary to middle school more stressful than necessary than it already is.

Maybe you can do 3 things.

Speak with your own therapist or counselor about what is beginning to happen with your worries the closer it gets to your daughter . Ask for guidance on the best way to handle this.

You know your daughter best and if she is going to be able to handle this information at this point without making her anxious or feel helpless. We always feel our parents can protect us. I am not sure if our daughter would have been able to feel safe and natural if I had told her this at this age. But this is our daughter.

Speak with her about some of the fears and nervousness you had in middle school. Let her speak about what she is feeling. Also maybe set up some expectations for once this summer comes. She can stay up a little later, how she will need to handle homework and how to get and stay organized. How her behaviors will really be important because she will have different teachers with different personalities through out the day and school year.

Then maybe you can organize a girls safety course to be held either at her current school towards the end of this school year or one to be held at the middle school in the fall. This way any girl can attend and they can all learn how to watch out for each other, avoid situations and defend herself. This is a way of being proactive.

Our daughter actually attended one of these classes here in town when she was in second grade. It was great. She is now in College and recently took another safety course at school. I think the reinforcement is always important.

You definitely had a bad experience in middle school that has produced fear and anxiety, but I would be very careful not to taint your daughter's mind to think that "here we go, middle school, I am going to or have the potential of being raped!" You do NOT want to transfer that fear and anxiety to her..

However, because of your experience, you are better able to explain to her about her body and how to keep a watchful eye on predators, keep check of her hormones, and just the natural things that comes along with that age.

Prepare her and give her the tools (i.e, phone numbers, walking with friends, emergency #, cell phone, etc) to protect herself without pushing the gruesome experience you had. IF for some reason, she is rebelling against your words, thinking she is not vulnerable, THEN at that point you can reinforce your point by letting her know WHY you are scared for her.

I really doubt once you equip her with the tools anything will happen to her.

I completely agree with Michelle M., and everyone else for that matter. Please deal with your anxiety and offer her a safe and stable place to come during her challenges of middle school. I'm so sorry you've experienced such a horrible thing and remember the chances of something similar happening to her is so rare!

This is a tough one. She is going to experience your anxiety over and over again as she is there plus there is no guarantee it will stop there. I think if a natural opportunity came about for her to be told then I would do it with as little emotion as possible. Knowing where the rule/expectation comes from is often more impact than just feeling it is a rule.

i think you should examine the motivation behind your need to tell her. why? what purpose would it serve? i have a feeling it would be more to make YOU feel better. if that is the case (if you're really honest) i think you will have to keep it to yourself...at least until she is an adult. IF you ever even do tell her. you can educate her about safety and keep the doors of communication open with her, but there really is no need to tell her this. it could be devastating to her, and only serve to make yourself feel better.

While I agree that H R's response was completely out of line, my advice is to wait. I think it is too heavy for a child to bear about their own mother. I would ask a professional, but I say wait until she is an adult. Definitely educate your girls as much as you can as education/awareness is key for protecting them. Also, it is very good that you recognize your own anxiety and get help with that. Actually, it's quite understandable that you would be anxious at this time in your daughter's life. Equip her with street smarts, give her confidence as she grows into a woman and talk to a counselor about your own experience and fears. I think you will be fine with the right professional support. Best of Luck to you and peace.

I think she is not too young to hear your story. But don't worry that the same thing will happen to her. It's unlikely.

But tell her if you wish, in some kind of context.

I wouldn't tell her about it now. I would wait until she is an adult if you two are close and you feel the urge to share this with her. I wouldn't do it before that. I would definitely have the sex talk with her though and explain when is an appropriate time to become sexually active and how she needs to be firm and let men know when she does NOT want it. You need to tell her situations to avoid, etc. etc. etc. It's always best to have discussions like this with girls anyway. They need to know they cannot be so trusting of all men.

I am so sorry for what you went through and that it's causing you so much heartache now that your daughter is growing up. If it was me, I would tell her when she starts showing an interest in boys. Talk to her about taking things slowly, feeling safe, not getting into any situation that makes her uncomfortable, etc. Make it known that you want her to talk to you honestly and openly, and that you won't judge or be mad about what she tells you.

Talk to her doctor, teacher, or counselor about the best way to break the news to her and tell it ways that she will understand but that won't terrify her.