When Is a Teen Old Enough to Hear Some "Truth" About Family

Hi J. - I would handle this one very very carefully. You dont want to end up with him feeling like he has to make a choice between the 2 of you or that you are denegrating or gossiping about his grandma to him. Since he asks you why you both dont get along, tell him the basic version - she has some trouble with boundaries and feels like she could be a better mom to him than you are. Since you are the mom and not grandma, then sometimes you have disagreements. Be sure to let him know that you both love him very much and want the best for him, you just wish that grandma would support you more in your decisions about your son

I am assuming that your Mom lives in the same community that you do, or you wouldnt be having quite so much trouble with a long distance relationship. UNfortunately your Mother is probably NOT going to change, she is making the same mistakes with your son that she made with her own children when they were young.
I agree with the other two Moms that you can't really afford to make this a "choose, me or your Grandma" issue with your son...it isn't fair to him and he is probably going to choose Grandma because SHE is "nicer" to him that you are...at least in his eyes! You are going to need to concentrate on good communication with your son, try to make him understand that you want the best for him and that you are looking down the road and are concerned that he become the very best person that he can possibly be as an adult. I am not saying this is going to be easy, it isn't!
I would keep an eye on his texts, if you see something that you feel is disrespectful to you, take the phone away for him for a predetermined amount of time. Does he have a good relationship with your husband? Maybe you can enlist him to be your backup in this situation and maybe he could even be the one to hand out some of the "punishment" so you don't always come off as the "bad guy".
Also, please be aware that a 16 year old is going to have "issues" with his/her parents no matter what the family dynamics are. I cannot even begin to tell you the battles that I had with my three (now adult) daughters when they were teenagers, I spent many sleepless nights and cried buckets of tears over them. Now...one of them is a lawyer and a fantastic Mom to my precious 2 year old grandson, one is a marvelous stay at home Mom to my 3 month old grandson and the youngest is currently getting ready to go to work on her doctorate in Spanish and Portuguese Literature! Hang in there Mom...let your son know that you love him, be consistent, be fair and be patient!!!
Good luck, it's a difficult situation

Hi J.,
I suggest that you find a good family counselor or therapist for yourself, I would first develope a relationship with the therapist with the intent of her providing you with guidance in this situation. Just make sure that you find someone that you feel comfortable with,(just because you don't like one therapist doesn't mean that you won't find another that you like) a professional with experience in these type of issues will really help make this process much easier on you and your son.

I have had the same conversation with my mom about my teenagers. She would validate their behavior to them and tell them the mistakes I made as a teenager. Oh was I angry! I made the misjudgement of unloading on them and I told them about what I had gone thru when I was young and she went through a divorce and her drinking and promiscuity and the things that happened to us girls as a result. It did open their eyes and it did put a damper on their relationship with her. But I do feel guilty for doing it. I have forgiven her for what was done to me as a child. I had to let go to move on with my life. My suggestion to you would be, when she us underscoring you when your son is in trouble, you cut off contact with her until his punishment is over. She has no right to bad mouth you, and tell her that. This is your son and she is doing you and him no favors. If you see a text from her badmouthing you, call the cell phone company and have them block the texting. Tell your son he has no right to be disrespectful to you. You are his mother. Tell your mother, she needs to be a grandma to Joey and love him as a grandma. She is teaching him to be disrespectful of you and that she is hurting HIM. If she can't be a grandma to him, you will need to distance the relationship. Not take him out of her life, but limit the exposure she has to him. It took a while for my mom to get over it, but she does respect that now, and I do get along with her now. Take care, I know this is no fun.

It's interesting what happens with our parents once we're adults.
My own parents were extremely strict with us - no excuses for poor grades, no rewards for good ones. We weren't spoiled, school was our first priority over everything else. Today, they make so many excuses for my sisters and one sister's 3 teenage children - very hard to sit there and realize these are the same people.

When I was 16, I learned that my parents were married 2 years later than they'd always told us. They'd gotten married because my Mom was pregnant with my oldest sister while my Dad was finishing his PhD.

I carried that chip on my shoulder for a long time - how could they punish me for lying when they'd done it to me my whole life? They thought it was best to protect us from other people at a younger age.

I personally disagree, and we've taken an honesty first approach with our kids (who are still very young). But, I'm sure we'll re-evaluate the extent to which we share all the skeletons in our closets as they age - regardless, I want to lead by example and help prevent my kids from making some of our mistakes.

In your situation, I'd honestly suggest telling him some of the truths about how you came to be where you are. He's not going to like it, and he's going to resent you. But, if you shoulder accountability for the decisions you made in his best interest, I believe he'll come around in time.

It may even be advisable for you to have a few sessions with a therapist first - I know that sounds non-constructive, but sometimes, they're unbiased eyes help us see our own lives differently than we do. Plus, I believe he'll have a hard time accepting what you're telling him as truth as your mother has a much different perspective, and he will choose to believe who nurtures him most and gives him the most freedom right now.

Good luck. Please keep us all posted on how things go.

He's almost 18. It would be different if things had come to a head when he was 8 or 10. At this point, the more you do to break them up, the worse you are going to look. Perhaps she trying to be a good mother to her grandson because she was such a rotten mother to you - or not. She might be using your son in a bid to find someone to look after her in her old age. If and when her true colors show to your son, he might be mad at you for not telling him, but if you tell him now he's not going to believe you. It's going to be a painful lesson to learn as he finishes growing up, but he won't be ready to talk to you until after the growing up has happened. In 10 years time, you and he will be able to (hopefully) converse about this as adults.

Don't worry, eventually he will figure out things on his own. He will realize she is a manipulator and what she has been up to all of these years. It will probably happen the first time he has a really serious relationship and grandmother sticks her nose right in the middle of it and speaks about the love interest the way she now speaks of you.

It takes a while and is never when you expect it, but "what goes around comes around". Take a front seat and watch them bang it out.

I like to remind people there is your version, her version and his version and then the truth falls somewhere in between all of it. Mention this to him.

I had told our daughter this years ago when my MIL was treating me as though I was the bad guy. Sure enough they showed their true colors and our daughter (who had a feeling something was going on) was able to see everything very clearly on her own. I then was able to explain to her, I did not want to warp her with my feelings, so I had put up with a lot for many years.

I am sending you strength.
You are not alone..

I wouldn't allow him to go to Nana's house again until she can stop. I would sit down and talk to him about what is going on. Why is your mother doing this? I just think you need to break the hold she has on him and put an end to the texting too. I bet eh would be mad at you. He is 16 and this has been allowed to go on for a long time! This has to stop sometime why not now.