When Do You Use Natural Consequences?

Use the natural consequences... It's the only way she'll learn. When I was younger I HATED having my hair brushed, mostly because my hair was uncontrollable and would get tangled literally 5 minutes after brushing it. So the rule became, over the summer I don't have to brush it if I don't want to but as soon as school started again it had to be brushed every day. Ya... That first summer I didn't brush my hair the ENTIRE summer. Then the night before the first day of school... Well, let's just say there were a lot of tears. The next summer, I brushed my hair every single day because I did NOT want to go through that again.

For the sunscreen, let her get burnt once or twice... She'll learn. If she doesn't, then start making her put it on again because you don't want her to develop skin cancer or something like that.

For the shower, let her go without... When school starts back up and every one starts making fun of her because of the way she smells, she'll get the idea and start taking showers again.

For the meals, stick with the rules... If she doesn't eat when you eat then she doesn't get to eat. Don't give her the snacks in between meals no matter how much she begs. After a couple of missed meals, she'll learn. I'm not sure if you guys are the type to all sit at the table to eat or if you guys are the type to scatter around the house and eat where ever is comfortable, but if you are the type to all sit at the table... Make her sit at the table with you and the rest of the family eat whether she is eating or not. She'll eventually get bored with just sitting there watching you guys eat and will join in.

For the bedtime, let her stay up as late as she wants. Keep waking her up early and don't let her take any naps during the day. After a couple of days, she'll be begging to go to sleep at a decent hour!

I think the fact that you fight with her is the biggest problem. For example, if she doesn't want sunscreen then she does not go, no matter what your commitment is (even work). She is old enough to tag along. When it comes to eating, she is required to sit at the table with the family and if she chooses not to eat, she doesn't eat. NO SNACKS. If she complains and carries on, send her to her room so you don't have to listen. At bedtime, she goes to bed, if she chooses to lay there awake then so be it.

It is her job as a your child to torture you and test the boundaries. By the fighting and carrying on, it sounds like you have been playing into her complaining. Just don't react, just give her the consequence, no questions asked. She will get the message pretty quickly. If some of these tactics do not work (and you NEVER vary) then move to removing other luxuries like, the phone, the tv, computer, whatever.

The biggest thing is you need to figure out what gets to her and stick with it so she stops the behavior. Even caving one time can send her back to the bad behavior. I have even given consequences for my kids just plainly throwing out attitude. None of the acting out is acceptable, no matter what the reasons for her outbursts.

Good luck to you, I know how hard it is and we are all tired!

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Children go through something called a 9 year change where they challenge everything but still need lots of attention as if they were 2 again.Get a swim shirt so you need less sunscreen. As for the food rules have her come up with meal ideas and help make the meal. Have late nights once a week. We let our kids have pop once a week and stay up late on Fridays. And you can give her consequences for her actions like doing some extra chores, losing time with friends or whatever works.
Good LUck
J.

I don't think natural consequences are a good thing for sunburns and hygiene. Sunburns and alot of unprotected exposure could lead to skin cancers. Bad hygiene is unhealthy and could lead to social/peer problems in school. During the summer hours I don't see a problem with the staying up late. Once school starts it could affect behavior and grades at school. I do see a problem with giving in to the snacks if no dinner was eaten. I don't eat breakfast (I never have, except while I was pregnant-had to force myself to do that) so therefore I don't eat lunch and dinner at what would be considered the 'normal' lunch and dinner times that most would eat these meals at. When I do fix dinner I will sit with my hubby and son while they eat but then I will heat my meal up usually a couple hours later to eat. I don't see a big problem with letting her eat the dinner you fixed a few hours later if she is not hungry at the time you choose to serve it. But she must eat the meal you fixed not snacks! Don't buy the sugar stuff then she can't eat it. Best of luck! ;-)

pick up the book " have a new kid by friday"

Meal time is meal time. if they don't eat at meal time , they don't get snacks.
For the sunscreen I'd let her go and live with the consequences. The same goes for staying up late. Just make sure you get her up early and don't let her sleep in.
Some kids don't learn with you telling them what is going to happen. Some just have to experience it to learn that maybe mom and dad really DO know what they are talking about.

While I see your point- I also think it could backfire and/or send the wrong message. It might just be like telling her she doesn't have to listen anymore she can just make the rules. I will have to agree with Tiffany- start handing out concequences with force. I also think that on the flip side you should praise any efforts on her part for obeying. Just her know today that there is going to be a big change and there will be no more fights only concequences because you are the parent. Good luck- stay stong.

I have a daughter who will be 10 in November, and we've had many of the same arguements. I have done a sort of "in-between" version of what you are doing and what you want to do. First off, the sunscreen thing...we are also very pale (blonde hair, blue eyes) and we all burn very VERY easily. There have been a few times when I'll discover that my daughter has gone out without sunscreen and will suggest to her "don't you think it might be a good idea to take a quick break and put some on?" When she's "too busy" to be bothered with it, I'll let her go...for a little while, then I find some excuse as to why she has to come in out of the sun. The next time she tries to go out "unprotected" I just remind her of the outcome from the last time she made that choice. She has had some severe burns in the past because her dad (my ex) isn't responsible enough to make sure she is protected from the sun, so that helps in my "warning strategy."

The shower thing has become less of a headace for us over the last 6 months or so. She still balks at it occasionally, but usually just a comment from her little sister (6 y/o) about odor is enough to make her realize how badly its needed. It was really bad with her for a while, and she is just one of those people who are naturally more "stinky" than others (poor girl). I let it go for a little while, but I became very concerned when she decided she didn't need to shower for 4 days (!) that the kids at school may start to notice and she would be labled and never live it down, thus setting herself up for a very long road ahead with school. I actually had to physically wrestle her into the shower and told her she couldn't come out until she was clean. Once she finished, as she was stepping out of the shower, I handed her her dirty clothes she had just taken off (only worn for that day, BTW), and made her smell them. She was absolutely disgusted! So we talked about how even though she couldn't smell herself, everyone else around her could. So now, when she wants to argue about showering, I just point it out to her, and she reluctantly gives in :)

As for meals, that is one area I don't budge on. Her body will not allow her to starve when there are regular meals available to her. I serve 3 meals and 2 snacks per day. Thats it. If you choose not to eat your lunch, you wait until I give you a snack (my choice on what you get). If you choose to not eat your dinner, you forefit your evening snack. Everyone sits at the table together at mealtimes, like it or not. It only took 2 nights of my daughter refusing to eat what I had served and having to wait unitl breakfast to eat again for her to realize that I wasn't budging and she was feeling pretty crappy so she had better eat, lol.

Bedtime? Tell her she has to be in her room & on her bed at (insert bedtime here). She is to stay in her room until its time to get up in the morning. Then, get her up and go on with your day as usual. It will be VERY difficult for you, because she will be super crabby and uncooperative, especially after a few nights of "partying all night." However, as long as you stick to your guns and keep her busy and don't let her nap (that is key), she'll figure it out on her own.

It would be sloppy, lazy parenting. The things you have described are things that can seriously affect her whole life. Early childhood burns can give deadly skin cancer down the road. Poor nutrition cna open them up to expensive diseases and a dimming of brain function. Poor hygiene can affect their health and the way people treat her.

My daughter gives choices like this:

Do you want to eat your dinner now or later? (If she's hungry later, she gets the same food from dinner.)
Do you want me to put on your sunscreen or do you want to do it? You don't want to? Do you want to make a good choice or do you want to sit in time out and think about it?
Do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes? Do you want a story or a tape?

Compliment her on good choices. Remind her when necessary that if she chooses something that isn't a choice you gave her, that that is not a choice.

If you're consistent, perhaps she will relize her efforts to control are futile. If you have a husband to back you so it's not all you, that will give you some relief.

Wow, this is a tough one. I am also one who likes to let them suffer the natural consequences of their choices, but sometimes it is REALLY hard to know when to and when not to.

The sunscreen issue: I think I'd probably remind her how uncomfortable she was last summer and let her suffer the consequences if she still chose to not wear sunscreen. (I sometimes tell my kids that they made the decision, and *I* surely don't want to hear any crying when it turns out that I was right about the natural consequences.

Shower: let her stink, sooner or later, even her friends' won't want to hang out with her anymore (This was ME at about her age-I learned)

Eating: I would probably put my foot down here. I do let my kids serve themselves, they MUST take a spoon of each item being served (even if it's just one measly pea), and clean their plates to get anything before the next scheduled meal. If they are hungry again within an hour or so of a meal, they are allowed to reheat and eat what was just served. If some time has passed, they may have the snack of their choosing.

Sleeping: I was having this same issue with my oldest (12). I had no idea what to do, but one day it came to me to put him in charge. We had a talk during which I told him that I thought he was old enough now to be responsible for his own sleeping schedule and that as long as he was quietly in his room by 9 o'clock-I need down time, too-he could go to sleep when ever he felt like it. BUT if this new arrangement started to affect his daily life due to lack of sleep, we would go right back to bedtime at 9. This has worked out wonderfully for us! He is usually asleep by 9:30 and I haven't had to do the bedtime battle with him for quite a few months now!
I will say that the first few nights he was up much later, and was extremely sleepy for a few days, but he learned VERY quickly what I had been telling him for years: our bodies NEED sleep!

Good luck to you

Natural consequences seem like the way to go. After a couple missed meals, stinky smell, sunburn, she will get the message. Some kids, even adults don't learn by example, they learn by actually doing it themselves and learning the hard way!

I would still force sunscreen, and I would say no snacks unless the previous meal was eaten, she will get hungry but she won't starve, and she will eat the next meal for sure :). With the shower thing, that could go either way.

Just a sidenote: Is it possible that she has sensory issues? Something about your post reminded me of my son when he was younger.

You may want to research "sensory processing disorder" and read about it.

Aside from major dietary changes (removal of allergenic foods) we have had success with the "when then" technique. "When you get your sunscreen applied then you get to go in the pool."

Good luck.