What Would You Have Done? - San Antonio,TX

I wouldn't have done anything. She was just stating the obvious, in my opinion. She's right, he doesn't talk. No big deal. Some moms would WISH their kids wouldn't talk so much! LOL! Try not to be so sensitive. =)

i probably wouldn't have said anything, as i'm not great with strangers either :) unless they got snarky then i would probably have been kinda a witch about it and said, "yeah that's MY son, he is very choosy about who he talks to, he's not comfortable with just anyone..." or something.

I think you were probably more sensitive to this because as you stated you try not to label him.

I hope the mama's here have supported you in knowing it wasn't a big deal.

But now that my kid is going into third grade at a rather small school. I'm finding that I keep bumping into the same families wether i like them or not , over and over again. So an experienced piece of wisdom I can share with Mamapedia is, to be very very careful what you say about other kids when any adult or child is in ear shot. I still remember those that made thoughtless comments such as this example.

I would have turned around and said, "Do you want to know why? You can ask me, I'm his mother." Seriously, people can't shut their yaps long enough to think about what they are saying or who may be overhearing. Sorry you had to go through that!

It seems to me that your son has a gift for discerning character.

They talk because they want to understand.

I suppose you could have turned around and explained your feelings on the matter.

So far as oversensitive goes, sure you were, we all are when we feel our kids need protecting.

I'm trying to imagine if I were in your shoes, and I can't see being offended by that. They were making an observation. They weren't gossipping, making fun of, judging, that kind of thing. Yeah, I think you're being a bit sensitive, but it sounds like you really care about and are concerned about this issue. No harm in being sensitive about it. But let this one roll off your back. :)

I'm not so sure I would have been offended, and I really don't believe the other moms did or said anything wrong. They thought it was okay because IT WAS OKAY. However, I would have turned around and said, "Yes, James is a little shy in public places, but he's still so little At home we can't get him to STOP talking!"

I get the opposite with my eldest daughter because she never stops talking and is the exact opposite of shy. I've heard people mention her and so I just jump right in to the conversation. The comments are just statements, and if I listen in long enough they turn to compliments.

I've heard people mention my middle daughter, too, and some of her eccentricities. Again, never criticisms, just a lack of understanding about who she is so I just take those moments to educate them a little bit about Autism since the qualities that might be mentioned have to do with social issues and their daughters wondering why G says or does certain things in social situations.

The thing is, if I chose to get offended by everything people said, and if I chose to view everything people said about me or my kids or my husband as "out of line" or "not okay" then I'd spend my entire life pissed off and stressed out and offended. I don't like feeling that way. So I choose not to look at things in the worst possible light first thing.

I agree with Sunshine. You should have turned around and said "That's MY son." It would have embarrassed them and they would have shut up.

I'm sorry about their remarks. If you feel that his shyness is causing him social problems, go talk to the guidance counselor about it. You might also look into something called selective mutism to see if it might apply in your son's case.

Dawn

I would have made myself known... turn around all sweet, "that's my boy" wink wink, friendly smile. Just to let 'em know your sitting right there. What they said wasn't mean exactly but totally made you uncomfortable. Turning around to acknowledge politely that you're the mom, would've turned the tables and made THEM uncomfortable.

Or maybe opened up a nice conversation.
I don't think you're oversensitive. Just an awkward moment.

Were they being mean or laughing or something? Or were they just making harmless comments?
I would have turned around and said, yep, that's my kid, he's just shy!
Perhaps if you begin to speak up your son will too. Perfect opportunity to set a positive example :)

There was a little girl in my son's 3-6 Montessori classroom (years ago). She didn't speak a WORD until kindergarten, and then would only whisper into the teachers' ears. I was working at the school so I knew why she was like this, she had been thrust into a new culture at 3yo, a new country with people who didn't speak her language. We don't know if the trip here was traumatic, but it very well could have been. In any case, we did talk about it, but geez, never in front of the parents!

It sounds like the parents that were sitting behind you are probably concerned about your son. He's a bit of an anomaly, and it sounds like they are parroting what their own children have said to them. You should have turned around and smiled sweetly, telling them he was your child and that, yes, he is very shy. Just to let them know how bad their manners are. But don't be too angry with them, we all talk about things like this with other parents, it's part of the bonding process we partake in with other parents, especially when our kids are young.

I wouldn't have done or said anything. There is no reason to embarass the kid, the parent, and your own son by speaking up. You did the right thing.

Most civilized and intelligent people know better than to talk about someone, anyone, within earshot of someone they don't know. For just the reasons in your post -- you don't know whose kid belongs to that lady sitting in front of you. As for what I would have done? I think I would have turned around and said, very sweetly with a big smile, "yes, that's my son. He does talk but is very shy with adults he doesn't know." They probably would be embarrassed, but it would teach them the very valuable lesson in my first sentence.

And, Toni V., since you bothered to click on the thread, you know full well what the question is about. If you don't want to answer a question unless the tag line is clear, pass the question by and don't read it.

I probably wouldn't have said anything, since it's not in my nature to be confrontational if it's not necessary. It doesn't sound like they were being mean-spirited, just probably repeating the report their child gave about yours - that he's quiet.

Just so you know-- whether you were being 'oversensitive' or not is beside the point... Parents and adults who work with kids should know not to discuss children in this way, especially in public.

And in this situation, I probably wouldn't have said anything to them, but wondered if they were daft-- I mean, why would you talk about a kid in that sort of mixed company--at the school no less-- and just assume their parent wasn't within earshot? Unless it's a positive comment, I don't discuss my son's classmates with other parents. You never know what gets around to whom, and it does hurt to hear misunderstandings or assumptions about your own kid.

I would not have been offended. I would have been concerned that others have noticed issues with my child.

& I would have asked myself if I've done all that's possible to help him.

& in no way am I saying that you're not. It's simply how my mind would have worked in that situation. I also would have turned around, & with a huge smile....I would have said, "that's my son!".

Nothing like a little bit of pleasantry to put the offenders in place. :)

Well, what was their tone when saying it? If they were speaking normally, then I wouldn't be offended. Why be offended, anyway - it's the truth, isn't it? Was it the fact that they were strangers that made you upset? Or the venue in which they said it? Or, was it that it was a valid statement, and that he has a reputation that precedes him? I'm guessing you're a little hyper sensitive about it, since it's a major part of your life.

DD tells me every single day, who did what, who said what, etc., which is a normal kid thing. Most likely their child told them about your son & they put two & two together & realized who he was, and nothing more. It's kind of cool to finally see the faces of the classmates your child tells you about every day, at least, it is to me. That's probably what they were doing.

I would have turned around and mentioned that my son DID in fact have a very quiet personality. I would smile sweetly and ask them if they had any advice for me since they were talking about him...

I would think their children had discussed your child at home with them. My daughter in kinder also had a little girl in her class that would only talk to the teacher if other kids weren't around. She would tell me about being partners with that little girl sometimes. I even knew who the mean kids were. Just consider that he is part of the group and being quiet is his special feature.

Is your son the boy that doesn't talk? Well kinda yes. So I agree with the post that said they're just trying to understand. It sucks that people label kids "That's the shy kid. That's the hyper one. He's the class clown. She's the kelpto." Doesn't mean that it's OKAY to talk about your son right there and then, ESP if he heard.

What did the other mom say when asked "Why, he just doesn't want to?"

If it were me, I might go the "embarass them" route and said "Actually he DOES talk, but takes a lot of time to warm up to people." That'd inform them, plus shut them up.

I'm sure we are all guilty of things like that.
Saying things not knowing who is around us and whom it may affect is plain ol' not thinking before letting our tongue wag.

I would take it as a sign that you probably need to continue working on your sons introvertism (not a real word but y'all know what I mean), and also realize that the majority of kids in kindergarten are quite noisy and chatty and that's the reason your son is standing out a little..... but I know he's not alone, not all kids are social butterflies.

Don't let it hurt your feelings because as you say, he is a shy boy right now, so it was the truth.

I probably would have turned around and smiled and said, "yep, he's my quiet little angel boy"...

The kids come home and tell their parents about their day. They go to the grocery store and see you with your son and mention that he's the kid who doesn't talk. So what?
Heck, I know about the kid in my daughter's band class who doesn't talk very much... still... he's a junior... My daughter and her friends decided that their goal this year was to get him to do things outside his box to show him that he could have fun. They got him to talk a little bit. They got him to go to homecoming. And guess what? He's joining marching band next year! This year, he's participated in different band activities, he's gone to parties, and he's had a great year -- because the kids didn't want him to be a wall flower his whole life. :-) They knew that behind that shy exterior was a kid who really wanted to be involved.
So - don't be offended. Sometimes good things come out of those dinner table conversations... And the fact that he's noticed is a good thing. :-)
LBC

I think I might have had to say, "yes, he is shy, but he's coming along just fine in his own way." Just for the simple fact to let these parents know you heard their conversation and they were impolite to have this running commentary in public! You can't control what they say in private, but for goodness sake how dense are these adults to make comments such as this?? Wow. And no I don't think you are being too sensitive. I don't think your sensitivity comes from your son being shy. So what? Many young kids are, as they acclimate to new experiences, different environments and making friends. I do think it is insensitive of these parents to openly discuss students within earshot of the child and parent and it's not setting a good example for the other kids to hear these differences being called out.
Honestly, as a former teacher the quiet ones usually ended up being some of the smartest kids in the bunch because they just sit back and take it all in. Several years ago when I taught third grade, we had an elective mute student in our grade. We teachers all worked with her and were thankful that the students were sweet to her. She started to come around a bit. I am certain your son will too.
HTH,
A.

It happens...and hope they didn't say anything really offensive. In that case, I'd simply ignore them and their remarks, if I were you.
And as for your concerns regarding your son, he's still a kindergartener...am sure once he gets into school and has more interactions, he'll open up just fine.. :)

What they said was obviously offensive to you, but it was a harmless description. People do "Oooh and ahhh" and make comments as they watch. What if they had said, "he's the boy that has the brightest smile" or "the kindest eyes". He'll speak when he has something to say. I think you did right not to comment or make a big deal of it to the other parents because it truly wasn't a big deal. I have a grandson who is "extra social" and people have said, "he can really talk" (i.e. he talks alot). Not cruel - just an observation.

That's exactly what I would've said: "He's shy," and smiled They probably would've smiled back. My little Pe-K's are the same way. They will talk to me, but not other teachers or even the nurse!!!

I would probably have jumped in very nicely and said "yeah, that is my son and he is quite shy." Hopefully it would embaress them enough to realize you don't talk about a child in that kind of venue.

Hi! I see you have gotten a ton of responses already but I had to write because this is something that I am dealing with right now with my 5 year old. He was recommended for summer school because he has not spoken a single word in school all year long. Since he talks all the time in other situations and I didn't think it would last this long, we have tried many different methods to coax him to talk. I have gone to the school and the kids would ask me questions and tell me that he didn't talk, but they seemed drawn to him for it. Always trying to tell him hello and goodbye. We have gotten 2 days into summer school and he has a male teacher, I had hopes that would help him come out of his shell. I asked him yesterday if he had spoken yet and he responded that he had forgotten. There isn't a manual for this, for us or for them. I commend you on not being the mommy that puts a label on things because I often wonder if that is part of the problem. If I hadn't spoken about it and made it into a big deal if that would have changed anything. I know it is frustrating because my son is such a good learner. He really is excited about the things he learns and comes home talking about all of it. I wish the teachers could see how well he grasps the information, but they have to grade him based mostly on what he can communicate. Save me , maybe we can compare notes as to things that help etc. Hang in there!

First, they probably wouldn't have done it had they known you were his mother, sitting right in front of them (or, at least I hope they wouldn't). I know, that doesn't excuse it. I really think its human nature to do this.
Second- you do need to develop a thicker skin. Since your child is different- for whatever reason- he is going to be talked about.
Not sure I would have said anything either- I dislike confrontation.

Have your doctor or the teacher shared any concerns about his shyness- like, maybe its not shyness? Is he able to look people in the eye? One of my youngest sons best buds has Asperger's and I am one of the few adults he actually talks to- and he will talk my ear off. And look me in the eye. The only other adults he does that with are his mom and grandma. Now, I am not saying your son has Asperger's, but extreme shyness is one of the hallmarks. While we try not to label our kids- we don't want them to live up to the label- they do have a very meaningful use. Like services from the state... just something to consider.

At the end of kindergarten, the parents should have learned that if you can't say something nice about someone, then you need to keep your mouth shut.

well, it's true, right? they didn't say anything mean.
i'm not sure what's got you so upset.
:/ khairete
S.

I was very quiet a hardly talk aswell. Didnt bothered me nor did my mom ever think it was a problem. My daugther is like that, she doesnt even like her fathers grandparents. And in that note it doesn't bother me if they mention she doesnt talk because I know my daugther well and dont need to explain nor change her actions. :-)

You can choose to be offended or not be offended. Its your choice. Choose the right and choose not to be offended.

You can choose to be happy or sad. Choose the right and be happy.

Would have been offended if they would have said, that your son was the child with the lovely blonde curly hair?

Good luck to you and yours.

I probably would have turned to them and, politely, said something like that's my kid - and while they're faces are turning all shades of red then say "we're working on his social skills" or something like that. Then leave it alone!!!!!

I don't know what I would have done...thinking about it now, I think if the situation were to come up, I would nicely try to say something. Not because I would be so totally offended (not saying you were)...but because I think it's good for people to realize it's important to watch what you say! I have a close friend that, while dating a guy, had someone come up and say, "So, you're dating ____?" She responded with something that expressed definite less than excitement over the whole thing...turned out it was her dates father. You just never know who you're talking to or who can hear!! I think those foot-in-your-mouth/make-you-think-about-it moments are good for everybody! Who HASN'T had one??