What Would You Do? Help Needed....

Hope things have been going well for you since this post. :)

I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Kudos to you for keeping your wits about you. My hubby is the product of a broken home and his mom was the one who walked the straight and narrow and dad was literally Disneyland Dad. She knew the kids would rant at her but also that, when they got older, they'd realize what she was doing and how much she loved them. I have a ton of respect for my MIL and for single moms who want to be moms, not girlfriends.

Second, keep those reigns there. As a teenager, there was always temptation to mess around. Peer pressure was strong, but knowing that my parents would have a cow if I did something wrong kept me in line. My parents' strictness was my comfort zone. My friends knew what my parents thought and so they knew not to bother pushing.

Hey, Stephanie...

Instead of me trying to type out a "book" in response, why don't you call me, and we can talk?

My phone # is ###-###-####. I live in Carrollton with my DH (who works nights, so no distractions with him) and my 2 1/2 year old son, who is "supposed" to be in bed right now!! :)

Anyway...I don't have an early bed time, so if you need to vent verbally (and it sounds like you really need to!), I'm here.

Wouldn't it be great if they could just stay 5, forever???
~J.~

are you sure she's not on the computer when you're not home? Have you looked at the myspace profile (even the ones that are private - show when was the last time that person logged on to check their myspace)....check that date and see if she's really not using her myspace anymore.

I would agree with the other poster to get a spy program to check on her computer use. You pay for that computer and Internet access...don't feel guilty about keeping tabs on her computer use. As long as she's a minor, it is your responsibility to make sure she's safe. Minors' brains are still maturing and developing....there's no way they can always make the right decision...that's why parents are still legally responsible for them until 18.
If you don't know how to set up the spy program...call a service like Geek Squad or something like that that can come out to your home and set it up for you. (and don't leave your passwords laying around where she can find them).

I would be very cautious with her and check on her constantly...from what you described with her father and her relationship with him....she sounds like she's searching for male attention, and she can't get that from an absent father. Teenage girls go through this, and active fathers can be involved in their lives and usually help build a girl's self-esteem to the point that they actually do wait to have sex.
So many girls unfortunately do not have active fathers in their lives and they search for any male attention and it often results in negative situations.

Sounds like since her father is not the greatest at being involved...you may need to fill that job for him. build her up; tell her the truth about sex...dating, men and the dissappointment that can come from that.

Stephanie...

I will be the first admit you should always follow your instincts, but you have to remember she is trying to become an adult and part of that process is making mistakes. Kids say things to each other that are not always true. Stop back think about how you were at her age (don't freak) and put yourself in her shoes. I know its hard to do because you instictively want to protect her but know how my home life was growing up I can say that if you are too strict or try to pry too much into her life you will only push her further out on the edge. My mother barely talked to me about that kind of stuff but she wanted to control what I did, which in turn made me sneak around and lie about stuff. To this day I have done things I would never tell my mother about. You have to remember you see her as your little girl but in her eyes she is practically an adult and if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to act like one. Give her more responsibilities around the house; make her do laundry, wash the dishes, if you have younger kids make her physically take care of them. When she starts to complain tell her this is what being a mom is all about and you want her to see first hand. Or you can always call a planned parenthood and see if the have some kind of unwed mothers group that you can take your daughter too, or even take her to church it doesnt matter what kind but get her into activities. If she is busy she wont have time to do things you dissapprove of.

Oh Stephanie,

If you think she's having sex then she probably is having sex. Trust your gut!

I disagree with you about the pill. I don't think giving her the pill is giving her permission. Especially if you have the excuse that it's to regulate her periods. My 13 year old is on the pill to regulate her periods. Her father FREAKED and worried that she'd run right out and start having sex. It actually intimidate her a bit. The responsibility of EVERY DAY remembering etc. Hmm... Anyway I think it's not giving her permission but teaching her to respect her body and that she has to be the one in charge of her destiny. Just because she's on the pill doesn't mean she can leave all reason and personal responsibility aside. It means she has to be that much more careful to make sure that if she chooses to have sex, that it's because she loves a boy who loves and respects her.

I wonder if she's seeing anyone in particular. If she is it is my opinion that embracing him is better than forbidding her. If you embrace him and have him over and let them hang out together in your home then you have the upper hand. It's when they sneak out to lands far away that you worry.

Keep those tight reins! The older she gets the harder it will be but it's better to be the strict one than the grandma! haha She'll not thank you for being strict until she's a mom of a teen. Just know you are doing the right thing. You are a good mom it sounds to me! Keep up the good work.

T.

Hi, Stephanie,

I have a 15 year old daughter and am facing some of the same issues. My daughter is on birth control and it's to regulate her periods as well. When I took her to the gynecologist, I asked to speak to the doctor in private AFTER they had called my daughter into the exam room. The doctor's offices are weird about privacy now - even though the children are minors, they are being very careful about respecting their rights. You almost have to fight to speak to the doc. Anyway, I explained that my daughter's periods really were irregular, and I did want her on BC if that would help regulate them, however, we did not condone sex before marriage and wanted the dr to explain the potential risks of unprotected sex, etc... The doctor DID do this and I think it had a lot of impact coming from a professional. Plus, she didn't know I instigated it.

My daughter is not sexually active, however, the potential is so great now days. Everything is sexualized and at a very young age. I agree with some of the other moms - talk to your daughter. Take her somewhere - Sonic - have a shake, out for lunch - just you two. Sometimes it's easier to talk when they can't retreat to their rooms or to their friends. Tell her how having sex can result in dangerous or overwhelming situations, but also tell her to good things - that it's a wonderful experience when you're married.

Make sure she knows that boys will sometimes tell you, "If you loved me, you would..." or that they want to "show" you how much they love you. Tell her they won't die if she says no. And if they give up on a relationship for that, they're immature and not a "real" boyfriend.

I talk to my daughter about the dangers of sex and oral sex. It really creeps her out, but I know she's hearing me.

I also tell her that she's the flower and the boys are bees. Flowers don't chase bees. This saying drives her crazy, but I know it's sinking in - boys are to come to you, be respectful, treat you with dignity, etc... Girls these days have such low self-esteem when it comes to relationships. They want SO badly to be in one, they'll settle.

For that reason, I think we need to spend a lot of time building up our daughters. Letting them know they are smart, funny, beautiful, amazing young ladies and they are WORTH an amazing boyfriend that will be in awe of all their attributes as they will be of his. Our daughters must enter relationships knowing their worth.

I think we spend so much time correcting them, that we forget to build them up.

Also remember that these girls talk about a lot of stuff that will make us freak out and a lot of time, they're just blowing smoke.

Oh, and the internet...I purchased a program called, "Power Spy" which allows me to monitor every key stroke anyone makes on our computer. My daughter has a My Space, and this program gives me her passwords, etc... anyway, she knows I have it and I monitor from time to time. If I find something inappropriate, I tell her and we deal with it. I let her have the My Space with the restrictions that it is "private" - not open to all of the world's internet users, that her "friends" must be people she really knows, no cussing, and only appropriate stuff must be posted by her. You can't really control what other people do, but if it's being done by one of the her "friends," then that friend can be removed.

I think the teens need a little space. We're so restrictive these days, they don't hang out at the mall, or in the park, etc... like we did when we were younger.

And not just space, they need choices. Let her make some of them for herself. Give her 2 choices (you pick the two) and she'll feel more empowered. Maybe when you discuss her attitude and behavior, ask her what she can do to make it better.

Sorry to have gone on and on....I have also found that finding that "something" that means most to them is very powerful. For instance, my daughter knows if she gets any zeroes at school, her cell phone is mine for an indeterminate amount of time. Find your daughter's "currency" and cash in when you need to do so.

Just don't forget that when they are in their nastiest, most unlovable moments, that's when they need the most loving and reassurance. It's like hugging a porcupine. We can do that - we're moms!