What Would You Do? - Kings Mills,OH

Just another perspective... I had my daughter held back in 4th grade. It did help her academically, but she was 18 in April of her Junior year. She quit school halfway through senior year and I could not stop her because she was 18. She now works at Mc Donalds and still has not gotten her GED at 22.
I never thought about senior year.

I don't hear people saying that they regret holding a child back, but only if they pushed them forward too soon. I would say to repeat kindergarten. It's a much easier class to repeat than first grade. GL!

Repeating K is much better than repeating first, and would help a lot if there is a developmental delay and she should be much happier in school back in Kindergarten, but I would want to know what is going on with her? why is the work so hard for her when you say you help her study at home? If there is a learning problem it will still exist.. In a previous post you mentioned getting her evaluated. What happened?

Asking her to get assistance on everything she does is asking too much from the teacher. She can't give one-on-one to one child while she has so many other students in the classroom. Classroom management alone would not allow for this. I'm not sure what services other responders are expecting her to get. She isn't SPED or dyslexic or just needing a reading specialist. What she needs is one-on-one and that isn't an option. Turning 19 one month before graduation is not that big of a deal. It isn't any worse than the ones turning 18 the summer after graduation and always being the one that is one year behind everyone. Her confidence will not build as she sees others progress and she doesn't. If she hasn't mastered the foundation of kinder she will struggle for the rest of the year. 1st grade is when they pick up the pace and it is no longer just fun & games as it is in kinder. They are leaving it up to you b/c it is almost always the parents final decision for retention.

I am a tutor in a public school system to help the low students that don't qualify for services. I have about 4 kids that will repeat the grade they are in, 1st grade, b/c they haven't even mastered spelling and writing their own name. The other kids are writing 'I can see' and my kiddos just sit there b/c they are clueless to letters & sounds at this point. These kids should be put back in kinder but they won't and they will repeat 1st.

So, really you need to understand the severity of what she has not mastered at this point and go from there. There is nothing wrong with calling another meeting and having them clarify where her gaps are and make a determination after that. You are her advocate, don't be intimidated.

Good luck!

In your daughter's case, you wouldn't be "sending her backwards" but putting her into an appropriate classroom that's best fitted to her needs and setting her up for success. Why would you want her to struggle for an entire year of first grade, knowing it's going to be a struggle, when it's already a struggle that's building and building at only five weeks into the new year? She's going to spend the whole year trying to catch up and missing out on the work that the rest of the class is doing and that will move with her into the next year.

I would support putting her into a kindergarten classroom and then this summer allow her to go to summer school for reinforcement on what she learned and to get a head start on transitioning into first grade. She'll start first grade next year positively and without baggage.

The age difference will be minimal and it won't matter. I promise you. And it won't matter that she'll be just-turned-19 at graduation either. Your daughter will not hate you for this. This is you helping to set her up to succeed.

Send her back. I taught mostly K and when the situation is this way, it is stressful for you. I would not feel like a failure. You are giving her the advantage and doing what is best for her.

Since the most basic academics start in kindergarten, and also more free play time, which is most appropriate for 'younger' students, that would be my first choice. Free play and social interaction will probably give your daughter the greatest advantage at this stage of her development.

I have difficulty thinking of giving a child the time she needs to develop as anything but positive, and it's certainly not sending her 'backwards.' There are plenty of kids who are simply overwhelmed by academic expectations in their younger years. There is nothing 'wrong' with them, they are simply developing at a slower pace for any number of reasons, genetic or otherwise. Quite a few of these kids are getting home-schooled these days because single-grade-level classrooms don't really fit their needs.

I don't recall knowing how old most of my classmates were in high school. Sometimes birthdays were mentioned, but usually not. It probably won't be a huge issue then.

I think that having her repeat now would be great if she wasn't 6. That's just too old and she would hate being 19 at graduation. It's sad to me that they are against helping her. That's what they are there for. But a lot of this falls on you. Are you willing to sit with her every single night and do work with her until she is okay on her own? Are you willing to get her on www.time4learning.com and give her a chance to progress with the extra help?

This is a tough call and your decision alone. Does your daughter feel like she is struggling? Does she enjoy first grade? Would a tutor help? As a former teacher I can tell you that if she has a carefree attitude and wouldn't think anything of it, that would be a big deciding factor for me as a parent. I had a boy in my third grade class that was pretty bright academically, but almost a year younger than all of his other classmates. He struggled so badly, but probably would have thrived academically and socially if he would have waited to start kinder or repeated second grade. By third grade, he felt inferior for being behind and misbehaved often. These younger grades are the only ones to consider retention, in my opinion, so if you are going to move her, do it now. The other kids have not placed a stigma to it at this point and it doesn't harm the retained child's self-esteem. Good luck. This is a difficult decision to make!
A.

I would have her repeat Kindergarten. Three of my siblings struggled in school. One was a late birthday (November) so he was quite young. My parents and the school moved mountains to push and pull him through K and first grade. He never really caught up - he barely graduated high school and has had nothing but problems as an adult. My parents totally regret not holding him back a year when he was younger.

My next brother - who had a January birthday so he was already the oldest child in his class - repeated 1st grade. It was absolutely the right decision, but my parents in retrospect would have had him repeat K and not have wasted a year in 1st grade where he just felt lost and stupid. He did manage to get through school and really enjoyed it in spite of severe learning disabilities, went to community college, had a great job and is a great guy, living in his own, taking care of himself financially etc.

My youngest sister was also a November baby and she repeated Kindergarten. She didn't have learning disabilities, she was just immature and simply not ready for the rigor of a regular school day. She did very well in school, went to college, has a great career, etc.

Your daughter will - far and away - not be the only 19-year-old at graduation. Rather than set her up to struggle and fail in 1st grade for the rest of the year, let her go back to K, master the basics and move up again next year when she's ready. You don't want school to be a negative experience at this age - put her where her skill level is, not where her age indicates she should be.

I don't have much advice for you with the exception of the age thing... I had a Sept bday and so I started Kindergarten when I was 5 turning 6. I know another person in my class who had a March bday, so he was already 6 when he started Kindergarten. The point is that we were both the older ones of the class. He was already 19 when he graduated and I was 4 months shy of 19. Nobody noticed or cared. I don't know what the legal adult age is in OH, but here it's 19 anyway. I think if you do hold her back that it's better to do it when she's younger. I don't think she will care or notice if she is 19 when she graduates.

What a hard decision to make!!! Best of luck to you in trying to figure this out!!!

Maybe I am wrong and no, I have not experienced this myself since my oldest in in kindergarten this year...but no way would I put her in kindergarten again. If I had to, I would arrange for some outside tutoring for her with a Slyvan, Huntington etc...learning center. I would be in CONSTANT contact with the school regarding her progress. I would NOT accept that they were not willing to give her additional assistance for completing assignments. See if there is any remedial based program through the school as well...

It really depends on your daughter.

It sounds like she is a younger child emotionally, so maybe pulling her back to kinder would give her some positive learning experiences.. Build up her confidence. Grow at the rate emotionally and academically as the other kids.

If next ear it all starts to kick in, she may be able to be in the more accelerated kids in first grade.

She needs to feel like she is accomplishing something.. Not just doing the work to then start the year over again next fall.

Here's what I'd do.

First, go ahead and get her back into the kindergarten class before the school year gets any further along.

Second, use this school year to do two things...help her master the important basics, and get her fully tested for any potential disabilities. One way or another, you need to ensure that she is prepared to make SOME sort of progression.

She will be fine in the long run. I wish my mother had held me back when I was much younger. I was held back in 7th grade. I had severe ADD and, though I was intelligent and still am, I was physically and emotionally less developed than my peers. I am a highly successful adult today, because of being held back and allowed to catch up.

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I would not send her back to K. I would leave her in first grade. It may all
start to come together and everything will click. If it does not, she has
much more to gain repeating first grade than repeating K. That is what I
did with my son and it worked well.

Both my kids were held back. The oldest in 3rd grade and the youngest in kinder. It was by fair better in kinder than 3rd grade. My DD wasn't failing 3rd grade, she just wasn't doing well at all. I wanted her to like school and knew if we continued on this path she would hate it. It was very hard on her and if I had it to do over I would change schools. But we didn't have money and well blah blah blah. She graduated at 18 almost 19. She also graduated in the top 15% of her class! She was in National Honor Society and made straight A's freshman and sophmore years. She will graduate from university next August at the age of 24. She changed her major, twice!

Our son was held back in kinder and if his class had been all day I think he would have been fine. However, he was a very young kid. His birthday is in September. He doesn't even remember being held back. If you are going to do it now is the time. Don't wait until she is older that is doubly hard.

I would keep her in 1st. My youngest struggled last year (in 1st grade). She caught up. She still needs a little assistance. She will be starting a reading specialist again this year. Our school also had peer tutors and homework help for her last year. (she was taking hours to finish homework at home) Can you ask your school what kind of programs that they have. I would not put her back in K. She may catch up and move on with the rest of her class.

Okay, if you know me at all, you know what I'm going to say. :)
Bring her home and homeschool her. At least for this year. You can give her some really good, one-on-one instruction, build her confidence, get back to the basics and help her understand at her own pace. And, it only should take a couple of hours a day to accomplish all you need to do with her. You can still set up playdates for her, get her involved in activities she enjoys, teach her things she wouldn't have time for otherwise (cooking/baking, sewing, etc, whatever floats her boat). Opportunities are limitless! Anyway, that's what I would do. :)

I would keep her in the 1st grade. Get her tested by developmental psychologist and insist on extra help and would do extra work at home with her to get to the bottom of the problem. Why cannot she complete assignments on her own? daydreaming? not understands instructions? Not comfortable with material? cannot focus? what is the cause? I would not hold her back just yet. What will you do if she will start failing next year? Address this issue now.
When my boys get low grades - I get out extra materials and increase the work load. I go ahead of the curriculum and teach my kids and it is easier for them in the classroom.
Your daughter's personality is a good thing. If she is an easy going child you do not have to worry about her self esteem being injured by all that goes on at school. Good luck.

I held my daughter back in 4th grade. We changed from Catholic school to Public school when we did it. She graduated at 19 and on graduation day she came to me and said thanks for holding me back it was the best thing that ever happened to me. She went from doing 3-4 hours of homework every night to 1/2 to an1hour. She made honor roll all through high school. She helped decide but she's alot older than your daughter. Most of the time they nee a little extra time to mature and learn how to handle school work. I wish I had held her back earlier. But hindsight is 20/20.

Good luck.

My dad delt with this last year with his twins. 5 weeks into the school year the teachers told them they were not able to keep up or complete the work and wanted to put them back in K because its easier for the teachers. My dad decided to keep them in 1st and this year they were moved to a different school and doing 1st over again. They are still struggling, but its better.
Good luck. How did she do in K? If she did well and had no problems i'd keep her in 1st and let her do it again next year. DOn't tell her though, just incourage her to do her best.

I don't know what I would do because my son is only 4 and I haven't had to deal with school yet. My thoughts are this: If you choose to send her back, she will learn those things through out the year and you won't have to do much supplementation at home. If you leave her in 1st, you will have to spend time each evening supplementing her education to get her caught up. How much time can you schedule to helping her at home?

It sounds like it's more than academic, though even if it were only academic I still think I might have her repeat kinder. It's vitally important that kids get a good solid start in those elementary grades, because, (at least in our school) everything is built from the beginning, repeated and reinforced. And I also think that repeating kinder is easier socially than repeating 1st or 2nd grade.

I wouldn't feel bad about it. It sounds like 1st grade is too much for her. Keeping her there could set her up for a long academic career of always being behind, and honestly in my opinion no matter how much work you do at home she may not be able to catch up to where she needs to be. I think it's a lot to expect a kid to struggle in school all day and then come home and have to do more work.

As far as her age goes, all of that depends on where her birthday falls anyway. My daughter has a January birthday so she was on the older end (turning 6) in kinder and my son has an August birthday so he just turned 6 in first grade.

Good luck! I would listen to what the school is telling you, unless you feel strongly the other way.

Is there any chance you could pull her out and put her in a kindergarten program at a different school? My son did first grade twice. It was hard on him later. Not at the time. He was emotionally not ready. He still talks now about how he was stupid and had to be held back. (his words not ours but kids can be cruel) I would keep her back to kindergarten. If she is holding the rest of the class back she will get frustrated herself and thats not a good way to begin your school career.

My 2 cents. Keep her in first especially if K is 1/2 day. I would think that full day is better for her. School should provide some type of add'l assistance for her. Like pull her out of class for special reading/.math assistance. Anyway. Work extra with her at home or get a tutor. Have her do the "best she can". Wait and see what happens end of this year. Then if you need to to hold her back next year , so be it.

I haven't read your other answers. I wanted to share something with you, though. My mom (who now has 2 master's degrees and is one of the smartest people I know) had a lot of trouble in 1st grade. Her teacher told my grandmother that my mom was just not getting it, couldn't figure out any of the assignments, etc. Well, my grandmother began paying close attention and noticed my mom didn't startle at loud noises like her brother and sister. She took my mom for a hearing test, and my mother was almost deaf due to a terrible ear infection! Furthermore, while the doctor was testing her for hearing, he also did an eye test and found that my mom needed glasses too. Once the ear infection was resolved and my mom had glasses, my grandmother worked with her every day to catch her up academically, and my mom never had any trouble after that.

So, I wanted to just suggest to you that maybe there is something else (physical) going on with your daughter that simply repeating Kindergarten won't help!

Also, kids mature a lot during First Grade. Both of my daughters did. At the beginning of the year, my younger daughter got daily notes home about her behavior, about not finishing assignments, you name it. We kept on her, and she got her act together. By the end of the year, she was ready for 2nd grade (but if she hadn't been, she would have repeated 1st. No big deal!).

Long story longer, I'd keep her where she is but try to figure out what's going on and why she's having trouble. I bet you can resolve whatever it is.

My first reaction was to hold her back...in really thinking about it, what about putting her with a tutor twice a week? I know that we are talking about additional money but I think it would be money well spent.

We moved our son from one school to another and we were worried how he would adapt to new school as his old one was a very large school district and his school was a music/art magnet school where a lot of kids from low income areas were bussed in. We were worried he wouldn't be up to speed in the new school. Having a tutor was the best thing ever. If you can, look for someone who is student teaching this semester and needs a little extra money.

It was the best money we ever spent!

I have been thinking more and more about 2 years of Kindergarten. It's hard to know the social impact later... things are shifting. More and more parents are chosing to wait or do 2 years of K. I think there will be less of a stigma for her than there was for us. If I were in your situation, I would put her back in K. It will also give her an edge in any athletics. There is a lot of research you can point to on this subject. You can say it was your decision based on what is best for most children. For now, you can tell her she can move into a different class so she can be with friends and not the mean kid. Best wishes to you!

The teacher should have her tested, and should modify her program. They have resource teachers/para-pro that can use to help her. As her parent, you have the right to say no to her having to repeat grades, unless they are counted as credit (middle/high school.)

They tried to hold my youngest son back, twice; teachers were never helpful until they modified his program. He excelled, and now is a tech at Chrysler going to college.

There is no guarantee that another year of K would give her the help she needs. Has she had a full evaluation to see what her developmental needs are? What offerings does the school have for special help? Can you get outside tutoring? My daughter had a Title 1 reading specialist daily during first grade, for instance, during school. I'm just not sure that repeating K would address your daughter's needs. The school may be trying to do what's easiest for them.

She is not a baby, talk to her about what she would like and feel comfortable with.

I was the youngest in my first grade class. It took until second grade to kind of catch up to my peers and third grade to fully catch up. They used to pull me out of class for extra help. I did catch up and excel academically though (socially was a different story) Many of the kids in my daughter's first and second grade class get pulled out once or twice a week for special help to catch them up. I wonder if your school does this with your daughter. I am not sure what I would do in your situation. I think it would depend on your daughter's personality and what she is struggling with.

Tough decision...

I would ask the school about an IEP program or a 504 to see what resources the school can give to help out.

I would also ask if she would benefit from a tutor. What can I do as a parent to help this out?

I personally wouldn't want to hold her back. She will be 19 at graduation instead of 18...i know it's a long ways off but I was 18 (March birthday) when I graduated and most of my class was 17...turning 18 after me.

I would pray about it as well as ask as many questions as I can. research the options.
Could you home school her?
Can you afford a tutor?
Does she need to be tested for a learning disability? See....so many questions. I would not make this decision lightly nor would I make it in one day.
Does she need to be tested for ADD? If so, i would not have the school do it but a licensed physician. We have the INOVA Keller center here - and it's wonderful! They don't medicate first - they test and try to give the kids tools instead of just shoving medicine down their throats...

GOOD LUCK!!!

I would keep her in first grade for the following reasons...
kids learn at different paces, she may be behind now, but that does mean she'll be behind in 3 months
it is not common for kids to graduate HS at 19

That being said, I would also work with her constantly to get her up to speed with the rest of the class. Hire a tutor if necessary (this could even be a middle or high school student to work with her). Give it a month or two and see if there's any improvement.

Keep her in first. See what happens. If your daughter needs interventions, she will need them next year in first even if she goes back to K this year. More help is available in first than K also. And her April birthday would make her an old Kindergartener.

I teacher a first and second grade split. I get children in my class all the time that that have similar situations to your daughter's and it's important to have the right teacher/classroom. Teachers have different personalities and classroom environments and you need to find the right one for your daughter.

I kept some of the lowest students in my class for first and second and they all had definite turning points when they finally started working at grade level without being retained. They received lots of reading and math interventions, too.

If it were me, I would get her back into K, an all day K if it available. It is much easier for a kid to go back so early that to either go back in 3nd or third or worse get so far behind that school is an unending frustration and a source f no self confidence.

I started my son in K when he was six (late May birthday.) He was not mature enough to go when he was five. But man how he blossomed in first grade! Now he is on an advanced track in reading and math. He might be older than some of the other kids, and he is also taller. But he doesn't care.

I have no recollection of who in my graduating class was 19. I just remember being jealous of the kids who could drive, vote, get jobs, see R movies, etc before me.

I believe there would be less stigma about being 19 at graduation than to be teased about being retained in 2nd or 3rd or labelled as being slow by your peers.

Looking at your older posts, she was going to be evaluated by the school psychologist. Did you get those results? That outcome would seem to be a key point. Is she struggling bc of a certain issue, because her K was so bad, or bc intellectually she's behind? The first two would point to keeping her in 1st grade but the 3rd would indicate having her redo K. I know several kids with June bdays btw who were either held back or redid K to their definite benefit so far. April vs June isn't that different. If it's a matter of she's behind bc her K wasn't good or there's some kind of disability that can be addressed, then you can work with her. We kind of missed the boat between K and 1st grade in terms of how much reading was expected so we hired a private tutor and it made a huge difference. I'm not sure all this should be at the school's expense... I view it as my responsibility to have my children where they should be versus take too much time in the classroom or cost the district a ton of money. I know it's the law but just my 2 cents as I think some help from the school makes sense but there has to be some fairness too in how money is spent for all children in public schools. Budgets are so strapped nowadays. Anyway, I don't think either choice is going to be life or death though I'm sure you're stressed. So many kids start K late these days so I don't think she'll really stand out. My neighbors both were held back a year so they were the first to get their driver's licenses etc and we never thought much about it. On the flip side, if there's evidence her struggles are bc of her poor K, she can definitely catch up if you put in the time with her.

Legally, please know your rights. The school is responsible for directing you, the parent, not the other way around. In addition they have an obligation to put into place special eduction if that is what is needed. They must give you counsel and advice, it is not just up to you. If they feel your child is not performing, ask them to point to specific test scores etc. Direct them to the federal law on eduction, called the IDEA.

Beyond any concerns on that, I would not worry about birth date and worry instead on developmental issues. One (or even two) years should not matter much IMO in the long run. Best of luck.

My neice, who is now 21, repeated 4th grade as mutually decided between her teacher and her parents. If they had it to do all over again, they would have started her later or had her repeat an earlier grade. I say put her back in K now.

I would not send her back to kindergarten at this point although I would consider having her repeat 1st grade if needed.
What does the school mean when they say she is "very young developmentally"? I would want to see the test data that shows she is behind. My neighbors child was put in remedial reading. When the mom asked why, they said that although she was reading at grade level the other kids were all advanced.
I think I answered your other post but my daughters teacher wanted to test her for a learning disability and seizure disorder because she appeared not to pay attention (last to open book) etc. I said I thought my daughter was gifted and bored in class. Guess who was right? Yes me, the untrained, not a teacher mother:).
My best advice to you is have your daughter tested. I would recommend private testing if you can afford it otherwise the school will test her for free.

Is it all areas that she is behind in? If so, I would do K over.
She doesn't have to share her age with class mates.

No, do not put her back, she will eventually "get it" and understand what happened. If she has to repeat then let her repeat then. She may mature over the next 9 months and enter the next stage of development and suddenly start being the typical 1st grader. There is always summer school too, she may need that continuous school to help her keep the stuff in her memory even better.

Only you can answer this. I will tell you my kids were all late birthdays and I never held them back. In all my kids grades there are kids that were held back and really until they get their driver's license no one could tell. There was one girl in my older son's class that had her drivers license at the end of her 8th grade year.