A friend of mine, who happens to be going through a lot of personal struggles, watches my daughter (first grader) after school two days a week. We pay her for her time. She is a sweetheart and has been a good friend for 3 years. Our daughters play together all the time. Lately she seems to be getting somewhat flakey under the stress she is experiencing and I feel it is not a good place for my daughter to stay on a weekly basis. For example, when my hubby went to pick up my daughter, my friend answers her door saying the girls are up the street at a neighbors and will be home shortly. My daughter and her friend walk up minutes later. They had crossed a street and walked down a block by themselves. Also, I have never met the people who had the girls over. All I know is that child protective services had been called once to their house, per what my friend told me. When I asked her why she would let our daughters go there she said she thinks the family and kids over there have gotten better. She said she thought
they were just outside making a snowman and she did not know our girls went in the house. To make matters worse she spaced
my daughters severe nut allergy. When I asked if these people had her Epi and do they know how to use it she said, "isn't it for
bee stings." I said ," no remember it is an extremely serious tree nut allergy." she replies, "oh I remember but I don't worry about it
because you daughter is so careful not to eat anything with nuts." I let her know I am making other arrangements. Am I over reacting? My friend's take is what is the big deal? The kids went up the street to build a snowman and then went in the house. Isn't first grade too young to be outside without an adult? Also, DCFS was called to this house so why would we want our girls there especially without one of us?
It is so hard because I care about this friend deeply but she really seems to be struggling. For example, she watches another child who is three. She picks this little girl up at her preschool. My friend told me she feels badly because "she took some pain pills for a bad period and fell asleep and did not pick the little girl up at her school." I was somewhat alarmed but gave her the benefit of the doubt that it was an isolated bad choice. Also, my friend has vented to me about all sorts of serious problems happening at
this house. I am just so puzzled why she would have our kids there without her.
Thanks Mamas for your feedback. I have made other arrangements for my daughter. I tried framing it to my friend that she is more laid back on things that I am a safety freak about and that I thought we should no longer stress our friendship with adding daycare to it. I thanked her for the fun times my daughter had there and said I hope we can be friends.
I think you are right to take her somewhere else. And she is too young to be walking around the neighborhood by herself.
i'm a lot more relaxed than most parents on this board.
but no way would i be okay with that.
khairete
S.
Perhaps I live in a bubble world of fluff, but does your friend's personal struggles include self-medicating? I don't know people who take medication for "bad periods" that is strong enough to make you pass out. And she obviously knew she was taking strong medication. Even if she expected to stay awake, she still was planning on going and getting the child while under the influence of the medication, right? That is scary to me. You didn't say what the medication was...
But again, maybe I live in bubble land.
The stuff with the peanut allergy that she seems to take very lightly is troublesome also. She thought the epipen was for bee stings? Really? You bought that? You're saying that you didn't definitively explain to her that your daughter had peanut allergies and when/how to use the epipen?
I would have my child out of there YESTERDAY.
You're completely in the right here. Your friend is not reliable or responsible right now. It's either the issues in her life or her just her character, but in any event, she's not someone I would trust my kid with. Would this be acceptable if a daycare center was watching your DD? Of course not!!
My DD is the same age as your DD and she just started playing outside with the neighborhood kids without me watching all the time. So, no, I don't think they're to young for it. It probably depends on where you live, though, but for what's it worth we live in a quiet subdivision and all of the kids live on the same street for the most part.
She made a judgement call as a parent while your daughter was in her care. Normally she would not have done such a thing, otherwise you would not have trusted your daughter with her 2 days a week in the first place. This situation has nothing to do with your friend's stresses. You addressed your concerns and she acknowledged them. Not a big deal. If it continues,then you can reconsider, but this is an isolated situation that just violated YOUR parenting style. It will be ok.
PS: After reading your "What happened", I see you really care about your friend, but if her situations are affecting her judgement and ability to take care of your child, you may need to find someone else to take care of your child after school and just let your daughter visit her friend when you are there.
I would not blow it out of proportion with your friend. It sounds like she may have too much going on with herself right now and this just isn't the best fit for now.
I don't think a confrontation which involves telling her that you will no longer use her is necessary. My choice would be to get my daughter in an alternate activity for those 2 days. Is there are afterschool program? Join a gymnastics, dance or some sort of sports program. That way, the girls can still be friends and there are no hard feelings.
CPS is called on some people out of spite if a spouse or relative is angry. I would not read much into that unless I knew positively if there was an issue. If there was solid evidence of an issue, then no, my child would not frequent that home.
Frankly, as a teacher I am surrounded with the allergies of all the children and it is hard to make sure so and so does not get close to so and so during snack time, etc and that does get old. HOWEVER, I do believe it is vital that a caregiver, teacher, nurse, has access to an Epi-pen at all times when they are with children who have these issues. There is no excuse to not have it and know how to use it because some of the allergies are life threatening.
Good luck
Your the only mom your child has. Do what is right for her.
You are NOT overreacting.
Especially with your daughter's severe tree nut allergy, I would be very concerned.... yes, your daughter is old enough to monitor what she eats, but unfortunately, those allergens CAN hide in other foods unless you scrupulously read labels.......
I don't blame you at all for finding another after school provider..... it is unfortunate that your friend is having these difficulties, but you don't need to be stressed about whether or not your daughter is being monitored properly, especially if she lets the kids go to someone's house to play....
If you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation then you need to trust your judgement on this. Your child always comes first
DCFS first, just cause they were called on these parents doesn't mean that the parents were doing anything wrong. Anyone can place a phone call, and DCFS is required to investigate. The fact that their kids were not removed from their home says a lot more then the fact that they were called on them.
I also agree with Amom2 that she made a parenting call about letting the kids outside and visiting. My first grader is very capable of being outside and playing alone. Even going up the road a bit to visit. Not so of some of my other kids, so what happens in my home was dependent on each child. I have no steadfast rules about stuff like that.
Now my true concern would be the nut allergy, but only in the sense that she isn't feeding your DD nuts. That would be a whole other level of ignorance. Hopefully your DD knows not to eat anything from anyone's home except where you have approved it or know that the other parent is aware of the issue. This has to fall on your DD, I know my first grader is completely capable of understanding this and following through with it.
At the end of the day though if you have told your friend where you stand and she just keeps on doing it, then yes, it's time to find someone else to care for your child, but if you haven't and those are the only examples you have...maybe it was a little harsh and rushed on your part.
She seems to have a pretty lax parenting style, one that may not match yours. I would be bothered by both situations, especially her comment regarding the allergy, she couldn't even remember what is was and doesn't worry about it. No, you're not over reacting.
You know what you must do...this is clear to me. This friend has a different type of judgement that is counter to your parenting style. You obviously no longer feel that your daughter is safe in her care. Find someone else immediately.
You can love and support your friend, but still not want to have her be responsible for after-school care. I would find other arrangements and then let her know, and present it in a way that makes it sound like you're helping her out.
You need to be able to trust your child's caregiver. If you don't currently feel that this woman is providing a safe environment for her, then making other arrangements is definitely the best thing to do. See if you can offer to help her through whatever her personal struggles are. Make it clear that you still value your friendship and want the girls to stay friends as well. Just say that, right now, you feel she needs to focus more on whatever it is she's dealing with and that you're going to take the burden of watching your daughter off her shoulders for awhile.
I don't think you're overreacting at all. My child would be out of there.
Now that you know your not happy with this arraignment, change it. It's very simple. My child comes first as does yours. Her safety is number one priority. Find other arraignments for your daughter.
Adding: You can care about her all you want. Your daughter comes first. If this was my daughter she would not be going to back to her. I would not care if her feelings were hurt at all. She is not being responsible enough to watch and care for your daughter. Your daughter is not being supervised. Why are you giving her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to your own daughter?? I am curious. I would not even blink because my daughter would not be going back.
She needs to deal with her problems and not take care of children right now. You need to find someone else to take care of your child.
Do the right thing, Mama~
Dawn
Oh honey, you are so nice but you need to put your dd before this friend. The playing at a different house this does not sit well with me, But the epi pen thing made me FURIOUS! That was the deal breaker for me, so i'm with you on this.
Maybe there will be another way you can show your friend you care with out putting your dd in danger.
I suspect that - after you typed all this out - you came to your own answer. IMHO you did the right thing. I would not have been OK with the scenario you presented either (considering all the factors).
The *only* thing I MIGHT have done differently was to not say anything to your friend about it. Instead I would just come up with a reason why your daughter has to be elsewhere that particular two days a week. Then their daughter and your daughter can still be friends without any awkwardness between the moms.
My kids are 18 and 15, and through the years I have learned that frank and/or confrontational discussions are rarely worth it. I only do those with very close friends where I have a long history, and we have a strong enough relationship that can withstand some negativity (that is a true friendship). Casual acquaintances or parents of my kids' friends don't always fall into that category.
JMO.
I don't doubt you really like your friend but you are not over reacting. Are you sure her personal struggles are not self induced?
If someone has a child with a special need, I think they would answer this question a little differently. If she's not watching out for your daughter like she should, I would change babysitters. Even though your daughter is responsible at such a young age, it's still her job. Just watch how you talk to her (babysitter). Make sure you use the best attitude when speaking with her. We live in a totally different world then what we did back when I was a kiddo, which would've been bout 15 yrs ago. There's a lot of weirdos out there and if you feel a concern with them going to that house, always follow your gut feeling. There are times when CS is called over Nothing. But there is nothing wrong with being "over" protective of your children. Just remember, your the only one that can protect your children. Good luck!
In second grade (7 years old) I began to let my kids go up and down the street unsupervised. It sounds like she feels her child is capble of this little bit of age appropriate independence and figured your daughter was too. You say you have never met the people who the children went to visit, but had your friend met the people? CFS being called to a home doesn't mean anything in itself. I've heard of CFS being called to homes for quite ridiculous reasons. As for the epi-pen, your daughter should be wearing it in a pack around her waist so it is always with her. Of course if you are not comfortable with this make other arrangments. Tell your friend you don't feel your daughter is ready for this level of independence, or at least you aren't ready for her to have it. I actually stopped having a friends son over for playdates because she doesn't allow him to play unsupervised, and I told her that was why.
I am going to 70yo in June and I have 8 children, 19 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildrendren. When I was raising my children, it would have been fine for a first grader to go up the street with her friend because all the people in the neighborhood knew each other and DHS wasn't even heard of. But in this day and age I would not let a child of mine go ANYWHERE I didn't know the parents unless they were supervised by an adult I did know and knew they would be AWARE of exactly what was going on at all times my child was in their care. I believe you are are very wise to find another baby-sitter. Or maybe you aught to consider a job that you wouldn't have to leave your child ANYWHERE. I have been a Professional Recruiter for AVON and it is a perfect job for a conscienceous Mom like you. It only costs $10.00 to get started and there are people who DO make 6 figure incomes in AVON within 2 years time if you follow the advise and instructions of a GOOD MENTOR! Go to my website www.youravon.com/emagner.
