What to Do with Unsolicited advice...I'm a First Time Parent

You've gotten some great advice, and I echo much of it. These first few months really go fast, and you can't spoil a child at this age, so hold her as much as you want to, comfort her as much as you want to, love her and enjoy the process. I had a tough time breastfeeding, and ended up having to quit after 8 weeks because I just couldn't do it anymore. I was totally stressed out about doing the "right" thing. I wish I had just enjoyed the bonding time with my daughter, and not worried about how long it was taking, or what others thought.

If you live in St Louis, I would highly recommend Kangaroo Kids, they have lactation consultants, a breastfeeding support group that meets at least once per week. You could go there, and get help with the breastfeeding (if you need it) and have a support group as well. It's all free.

Also, if you haven't read it already, I would recommend the "happiest baby on the block" book or DVD. He's got a lot of good advice on how to think about colic.

Good luck, and enjoy being a Mom, it's a wonderful ride!

Most babies under a year old or so don't cry for no reason. If you hold them ALL the time and don't give them things to look at they will want to be held all the time. But usually they have a need or are bored. After a year you will be able to tell if they are just wineing (sp?) or really need you. Then if you give in just to get them to quit wineing you ARE spoiling them. And you will be sorry.

I didn't read all 45 responses that you have received so far, so I may be repeating someone (sorry). I understand what you mean regarding unsolicited advice, and it is hardest for me when it comes from my mother-in-law. What has seemed to help me the most is to read a book by someone who knows what is good for kids. I love Dr. Sears' books, and it sounds like you might agree with his philosophies. Reading a book by someone who does research into all things related to babies and children helps me because I know my MIL does not do such research. One thing he says is that a mother's instinct should not be ignored, so it sounds like you are doing a great job.

I love the phrase "You may be right." Then a polite thank you for caring and you're done. Then you can take the advice or leave it. I always assume people are providing advice because they care, not because they think I am inadequate. It helps me stay serene when I begin from that perspective.

Remember: You know your baby best. Mom's have intuition for a reason. 2-3 months old are not fussy because they want attention or because they are trying to manipulate. They aren't being "bad" - you both will find your rythm and all will be well.

Ok, unsolicited advice ahead...LOL!

Let your LO nurse as long as they want. You are at a MAJOR growth spurt and it may seem as tho you have the LO attatched to your breast non stop but that is NORMAL!! Also, if you are stressed it will affect your supply, let people know that you are trying to minimize the stress in your life and maybe even simplify/save money by staying home more and not entertain if you don't want to have to worry about going to another room to BF. I personally BF anywhere and everywhere my LO wants. I remember being at 2 mos old and sitting in the backseat of my car at the store, feeding YET AGAIN! LOL! I would say if they aren't agreeing with the way you do things then just nod and smile and tune them out. I am a co-sleeping, baby wearing, bfing mother, and I have a lot of unsolicited advice, especially since my LO is now 10 months old and STILL breastfeeding...LOL! Even my pediatrician believes in feeding on demand especially at your LO's age. Make sure that you are keeping comfortable and hydrated and taking care of you. Don't worry about other peoples advice, unless you need it! At this age it is impossible to get baby on a schedule and you do end up doing things around her schedule and you know what, that is just fine! Hope this helps!

Jody...don't try and take everything that everyone says to you too seriously...if it is something that seems helpful to you...consider it...if not...smile...say thanks for caring and move on.
You and your husband are the ones to make the decisions for your little girls care. I have a 13 month old grandson ( my first!!) who's Mother ( My oldest) is going at this Mothering business in a different manner than I did as a young mother but I don't try and tell her what to do. They have a family bed....she used to "wear the baby" in a sling all the time when he was younger...and is introducing "real food" in a different way than I did. She also is breastfeeding ( which I did with all of my children) and I can tell you that you need to be relaxed, well hydrated and as stress free as possible!!! Have you contacted a La Leche League where you live?? They can give you some wonderful advice and tips.
Dont think that you need to let her fuss and cry...I was told when mine were young that I would "spoil" them if I ran to their every whimper..but I dont think you can spoil a baby...they need to know that they are loved and secure...and that you are going to respond to their needs. You are their world...they need to have a nice safe place to grow in..and it sounds to me like you are providing that.
Now that you have received all of this "unsolicited advice" ...about what to do with "unsolicited advice"...I would tell you to keep on doing what you are doing...love that sweet little girl of yours and enjoy the support of your husband!!!
Enjoy!!

I know you've already gotten plenty of responses, but I just had to smile when I read your post. See, I just had my FOURTH child almost 4 weeks ago, and I STILL get unsolicited advice--even from people who don't have any kids! It doesn't stop (but it does lessen quite a bit) when your oldest is 4, or 10, or 14; and it doesn't always stop even when you have more kids than the advice-givers do! (lol)

But it does get better, because you get much more confident about listening to that mothering instinct and ignoring the advice. I used to try most people's advice if it sounded reasonable, even if it was opposite of what I was doing or what felt right, and even if my current way was working fine! (WHY did I do that? lol) I also read WAY too many baby books and just confused myself about which way was "best." Now, I know that the "best" way is the way that WORKS for you and your baby. And if it ain't broke, don't fix it!

These days, I usually just smile and nod at well-meaning but unwanted advice. If it gets too annoying, I say, "Well, I'll keep that in mind, but my doctor says the way we're doing it is fine." (For some reason, the mention of a medical professional usually shuts them up.)

In any case, I hope some of this helps you, but if not, just ignore it! ;-)

--A.

Jody,
You've gotten great advice. I just need to say PLEASE don't let others make you feel idadequate. It is SO hard being a first time parent, don't do that to yourself. Trust me, it'll get easier...especially if you have more little ones LOL. You are doing the right thing by listening to your instincts and trying to do right for your little one. Newborns are high maintenance and rightly so. They have a big new world to adjust to. That will ease over time as you get into a schedule. (Highly recommend slowly building up a schedule as your child gets older...on her terms at first then more yours as she gets older) I can't stand to hear that people let their newborns cry. They cry to communicate to you. Its the ONLY way they have. Yes, when they are older they must learn limits, but not a newborn. Good luck to you. Listen to advice, but make your own decisions and know that you do the best you can...and that's all anyone can ask! Congrats on your little blessing!!

You poor baby. Your baby is young and the colic thing may go away in another month or so. Hang in there. Do what is comfortable for you. You know your child. It's not unusual to be feeding every two hours if your breast feeding. That baby is growing all the time and they go through phases. Don't get discouraged, your time will pass very quickly. Be patient - people have a tendency to give advice because they want to help and care about you. Really some of them may have a good idea on something. Unfortunately, babies don't come with an instruction manual. You'll work hard, but the hard work is worthwhile.
Best wishes and good luck!

Oh, to be a first time mom of a high-maintenance 2 month old! LOL! I can laugh now, because my first child just turned 7 years old in December! But I do remember so many of the things you mentioned, especially the frequent and long-lasting feedings. You sound just like I did all those years ago and I will tell you that I do not regret focusing on my child and doing anything and everything I could to meet his needs.

A couple responders mentioned La Leche League, a support group for breastfeeding moms. They were a lifesaver for me...seriously! When we were having actual issues with breastfeeding, the leaders helped me work through them. When I would ask a question about if something was normal and it WAS normal, I got reassurance from people who were educated about breastfed babies. The meetings showed me that I was not the only one who wanted to put baby first and everything else second. It was wonderful, educational, and relieving to be around women who felt like I did and didn't apologize for going against what society seems to tell us.

A few points to share with you...
The first three months of life can be considered the "fourth trimester" since our babies aren't really ready to be born when they are, but have to come out before they get too big.

Some days, you have to take it hour by hour or even minute by minute.

You know your baby best, so trust your instincts with her.

Babies grow up SO fast, enjoy the cuddling, snuggling, holding, nursing, and everything else that each phase of life brings.

It gets easier...as your baby grows, things will fall into place and it is fine to follow her lead for now.

Newborns cry to communicate a need, not to complain, manipulate, or misbehave...you can't spoil a baby under 6 months old.

My own personal observation: Sometime around 4 months, your baby will turn from a needy blob type to an interactive happy baby who will smile and coo at you, and you will KNOW you've done a fine job so far.

Keep doing what you're doing...you love that baby and you are meeting her needs. Seek help from people and groups you trust when you need it, but you always have the last say when it comes to your child. Best of luck to you and congratulations on being a great mom!

it sounds like it is well meaning advice, I would say thank you, we'll take it under consideration, then do what you feel is right.
We didnt get out either much with a new baby, and she didnt have colic or feed for an hour (I'd talk to your ped. about that one, Im sure its not unusual, but you might have some flow problems they could help you with?)We just didnt want to be away from our new born. When she gets older and set into a schedule, those babysitting offers will be priceless though, so decline POLITELY, dont burn any bridges lol.
What we did was anytime she cried, we did go to her and make sure she didnt need anything. When we knew she'd been fed, was dry, hadnt spit up and wasnt wrapped up in anything, then maybe we'd leave her to cry a bit. We loved to hold her, so it wasnt a problem. My understanding is you CANT spoil a baby that young. We did try a bit of "cry it out" but not until she was much older.
Try to relax and enjoy your baby, trust me, time flies!!!

First of all, take a deep breadth and relax. You can't think if you're stressed out.
Second, keep in mind that all this advice is given with a desire to help.
Third, listen to it, because there will be some gems in there, but not all of it will be useful to you.
Fourth, remember that no ones your child better than you do, and nobody knows what's best for you and your family better than you do.
So, if you visit this site very often, you will see that 90-95% of the issues relate to eating, sleeping and discipline.
My daughter has extreme colic when she was born, she shrieked so much the nurse would come to my hospital room and take her out because she knew I couldn't be getting any rest. It did stop at about 6 weeks, rather suddenly too. I think that's pretty typical, so your colic days should be ending. I'm not sure of the relationship between colic and the amount of time it takes to nurse. You may want to check with a local LaLeche League about that or you may get some advice on this site. I will tell you that with my son, he nursed every two hours, it took him about 20 minutes to nurse, so there was an hour and forty minutes in between. I don't remember when that spacing got longer, but it does. It won't be long before your adding cereal, etc. This stage will pass. Your child's eating, sleeping and discipline needs are going to change like crazy! They change! What they do today is not what they are necessarily going to do next week, month or year.
My opinion and the standard opinion when my kids were growing up (22 and 18 now) was that you can't really spoil a kid less than 2 years old. But WATCH OUT after that.
You do have to continually balance the needs of your child with your needs and the needs of the family. The family is important. So, maybe now when your child is this young, you don't go out as much. As some point, you'll feel comfortable going out.
Lastly, you won't be perfect, don't let that get to you. Just do the best you can.
Good luck

From my point of view, you are doing things just right. This coming from a mom of 6 and foster mom to 24 with area of expertise in attachment disorder. You are following your own motherly instincts which sound right on to me. When people give me advice (not so many at this stage in my life - LOL!)I just smile, nod and say "Thank you for your concern.", then just go ahead and do what I KNOW and FEEL is right for my child. IF they get more insistent than that (which borders on rudeness), a firm - "I understand that is what works with your child. Thank you for your support in my doing what works with MINE." This stage will NOT last forever and you are making her feel secure and loved when it is most important. In my opinion, you cannot "spoil" a baby until at least 12 months old. They NEED what they are asking (crying) for. Around ages 6-7 months, I will allow them to cry for about 10 minutes or so to start teaching delayed gratification, but anything more than that (or the gasping and snubbing cries) is just torture for them. Not something I want to do with my kids! I have seen the results of other's attempts at "tough love" with infants and it is NOT good! So - continue on, my dear. You ARE correct! And your little one will be fine!

M. in MO

When you have a baby your whole schedule changes to meet theirs. You are right in what you're doing. If you are taking your baby out and it's stressfull, then your baby is going to sense that and be even more difficult. I agree with you on crying. The same thing happened to my son. I thought I'm just going to let him cry, he's needs to learn to "soothe himself". After a few minutes I just couldn't bear to hear him crying anymore, so went up to get him out of his bassinet and when I was reaching for him he threw up all over his face. I felt so guilty and bad about that, that I never let him cry again. Sure I was holding him all of the time, but I loved it. He was walking before a year, so it doesn't last long when you do get to hold your baby. I say keep enjoying holding her and just let your friends know that you now have a baby and you're sorry, but baby comes first.

I sort of chuckled as I read this...I thought wow...two kids and almost four years later I still have others giving me there opinion.

Just last week my sister called (on behalf of my mother) to tell me I needed to turn on 20/20 and watch it. Because there was a lady who was still breastfeeding her eight year old. WHY you may be asking? Well because I'm still nursing my son who won't be one until next week! And she thought I should see what my future looks like!

You'll hear it from now on probably until the end of time. As other poster have said you have to just let it go. Find a way around some things. Or you can say as I did "It's really my choice how to raise this child and I appreciate your thoughts but at this time I am not going to use it." Some people will never give you another piece of advice and others will not hear you.

I learned that they're my kids, and whether or not I am doing "All the right things" I am doing what I think is best. You know your daughter, you know yourself...if you're not comfortable feeding her outside of your home then THAT IS OKAY!

Every mom, dad does it different...don't worry! Good luck!

I think that you are being a great attentive first time mom!!! I think you should absolutely tend to the baby when she needs it. You cannot spoil any baby under 6 mos old. They tell you when they need something, and letting her cry would only enforce to her that there is no point and her needs won't be met, or to get louder because she needs something and is a litte more tenacious.
Her nursing more in the evening is to store up for the night so that perhaps she can start sleeping through the night. The more you nurse in the PM the longer they will sleep.
I wish you the best and think you are doing the best thing. You may just need to tell your friends your parenting philosophy and when the baby is older, you will be able to be more sociable with them.

Been there, done that. Isn't it amazing how everyone seems to know how to raise YOUR baby?

I have three girls and got and still do , a TON of unsolicited advice. I got really good at smiling and
saying, "What a great idea. I'll try that." And, then I
promptly ignored it.

All kids are different, and what works for one, won't
necessarily work for another. Personally, I couldn't
let my kids cry. I ran right to comfort them when they
needed me. There are friends of mine that could shut the
door and let their kids cry themselves to sleep. I just
couldn't do that.

The bottom line is that YOU are the mom, and only you know
your child and what is best. Trust your instinct. There is
no problem listening to the advice of others, but if you don't feel comfortable with it, just smile, thank them and tune it out. My mom showed me the baby book by Dr. Spock that she had when I was small. It's unbelievable some of the ridiculous advice contained in it. Some older people who don't know any better still want to take that advice.When they give it to you, just smile and ignore!

As far as the breastfeeding goes, I breastfed all 3 of my girls for a minimum of 1 year each. I pretty much let them take it when they needed it. And, when they are small, it does take awhile to eat. They would eat a little, pass out and then wake up to finish eating. I figured out how to try to keep them awake longer by talking and gently rubbing their cheeks so they could finish eating in one setting. But, yes, it often took one hour, so you're not alone there. Your baby is just two months old, so she's just getting used to eating like that too. What my mom told me, and she was right, is that they can usually empty one breast within 10 minutes or so, less as they get older. You should be able to hear her sucking and then swallowing, and when they are hungry, it's loud! Then, you switch breasts and let her do the other side, same result. What she told me and then I realized is that the rest of the time, they are just using you as a pacifier. You should be able to tell if she's still swallowing or not. IF not, and if she's still sucking, that's probably the case. Sometimes it was just a comfort thing with them, so you might try getting a pacifier and when she's done with the milk, break her off and then stick in a pacifier and see if she'll take it. She may not the first time, but keep trying. Try different types of pacifiers to see if that helps or just holding the baby close so she can sense your smell and touch while she's sucking.

Been there sister. It'll get better. But, you can do it. Millions of moms over time have done it, and you can to. You're on the right track. Trust your instincts, and enjoy that beautiful baby. Mine are all in elementary now, my youngest is 6, and I truly miss those precious early months. God bless!

Good luck!

Jody,
All of the responses are great and you are doing wonderful for your baby. Your situation with the feedings seem very familiar to me. I did learn (from advice from other moms) to not let my baby feed for an hour. There is no way she is actually getting milk from you for an hour. My Dr. and other mom's suggested to me to only feed 10 minutes each breast and then stop. If she was still hungry, I would make about 2 oz. of formula...sometimes she would take it sometimes, not, doesn't matter. Once I learned this I was able to get a break and some rest. There will be several phases where your baby is growing and needs to nurse more often to increase your milk supply. That's fine, and those times will pass in a couple weeks. Anyway, that's what worked for me and my baby is almost 8 months old and still nursing and sometimes in the evening I have to make about 4 oz. formula now. My Dr. advised me that as long as she's getting some breastmilk every day, it's fine.

Check out "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. This is fantastic baby sleep advice! 2 months is too young for crying it out - but I strongly recommend this book to help you avoid sleep problems in the upcoming months that might force you to cry it out eventually.

Whatever you do, stay far away from Dr. William Sears' baby sleep book. He will train your baby to NEVER sleep. Please believe me - I did it to my first child and life was hell for a year and half because of it!

And tell your friends to buzz off. You have a baby and it's too hard to get out right now. Stay home and do what you need to do to stay comfortable. If it stresses you out, don't do it.

If nursing is a problem, contact a local La Leche League representative to advise you. Or talk to your pediatrician! Nursing does not usually take a whole hour. Is it possible the baby is "comfort" sucking for part of that time? Have you tried popping her off early? You could try replacing your nipple with a pacifier if she protests being popped off. A lot of times they just want to suck and they will use mommy as a pacifier for long periods of time.

Pacifiers (you may have to try different kinds to find one that works) and swaddling solves a lot of fussy baby issues. Good luck!

Jody-
I know you've recieved a lot of responses already...but I've totally been in your shoes and I remember how desperately I needed help. So I thought I'd shoot you a response. My little guy was a preemie and had a terrible case of colic due to gas issues. Here's a couple things I learned from my experiences.
1. Your instincts about your child are correct. You know when he/she needs to be tended to. I tried the cry it out method for one week and it just stressed the whole family out and I got no sleep...not worth it for us! This stage of life is all about survival if you have a "needier" baby like mine was.
2. My son, who fed very often as well, was not getting the full feedings in. (I would take him off one breast before he was getting the hind milk that is high in either calories or fat...I can't remember. So I nursed him longer on one side so he completely emptied that breast while pumping the other side. Difficult, but possible!) Also, he was comfort feeding because his little tummy was hurting and it made him feel better when he had a full tummy.
3. Gripe water (the natural kind you buy from India grocery stores) works well for gas/colic.
4. Babies with colic feel better when held because somehow it helps gas bubbles in their tummies move around and escape better. I purchased 3 different kinds of slings and I loved them!
5. Parents who advocate the cry it out method have not had the type of babies we have! I thought I wanted to do the cry it out method, but like I said earlier it made it worse. Some might say I didn't try it long enough...but I promise you one thing I don't regret for a second that I comforted my baby "too much." However, I do regret that week of letting him cry it out and causing the entire family to suffer just because I felt like it was what I "should do."
6. I loved the book by Dr. Sears called the Fussy Baby Book. Once I read this book, it made me feel like a much better parent and that it truly wasn't my fault that my child was a high needs baby.
7. Please, please, please don't get down on yourself or your mothering skills. If anything, you deserve to be in the worlds best mommy club. There are not many people who struggle with feedings and still try to nurse. Many give up. But the fact that you're still trying says a lot about the love you have for your child. It is so easy to compare our mommy skills to others and when we see those other babies on a perfect schedule and happy all the time, we tend to blame ourselves. It's funny, but my now 18 month old's personality was evident when he was a newborn. He is strong-willed and he lacks patience. However, he has become very independent and VERY loving. He is also very observant and is a quick learner. That's one reason why I loved the Fussy Baby Book. It talked about the "negative baby traits" and explained how this trait could be useful or good in the future. Now I am getting to live that...after 9 long months of pure colic!!

I just want to encourage you that you are on the right track and that you are being a wonderful mommy for seeking out advice. If you need additional ideas for colic or babies needing frequent feedings...please feel free to email me through mamasource. I am passionate about being there for new mommies with high needs babies!

A.

I think an infant needs to be spoiled, they need to know that all their needs are being met. I've helped raise 7 kids and they all were very quiet good babies because of this. As for her nursing so often, I wonder if she's getting enough milk with nursing (you can pump and give her a bottle to see if this is the problem) or is she just wanting mommy time and not really nursing. Something we found that really works with a young infant is swaddling, yes I thought it was crazy too, but my now 4 year old granddaughter would sleep twice as long if she was swaddled well before we laid her down, otherwise she would wake almost immediately.
As for the unsolicited advice, I think the parents you are talking about are the ones who need the advice, don't let them deal with her, it sounds like they really don't care how the child is feeling, they would probably let someone else raise her if they could. Don't ever feel bad that you are doing what you think is right for your child. I think you are right in putting your daughter first, that's what every child needs at this age!!

I had a colicky baby too and we did not just let hime cry we tended to him every time him cried which was a lot. I know lots of people and doctors don't necessarily believe in this type of parenting but I do and it worked ok for us our son is now 2 and has turned out fine. As for the going out and nursing for an hour. Have you thought about pumping for when you go out? If that is not an option for you then I would say go out have fun but I don't know that I would just let her cry. Best of luck your doing the right things.

Jody,

You're doing a great job for your baby...you SHOULD be tending to her needs. This is her neediest time. And since she has colic, she has other issues going on. Don't let people pressure you into letter her cry. It works for some people, and they insist on pushing their methods on others -- maybe seeing you be such an attentive mommy makes them feel inadequate or guilty. People pushed me to let my baby cry it out (but we refused)...she was a terrible sleeper until she was almost two...that's when we figured out her food allergy problems better, and she immediately started sleeping through the night and napping for 2 to 3 hours. Had we listened to her doc and everyone else, we would have been letting her suffer needlessly. Even if there are no physical issues, some parents don't want to try "cry it out" and that's more than ok. Whenever I got stressed because everything I read said they have to learn to put themselves to sleep, I would read Dr. Sears' book, The Baby Sleep Book, and that made me feel a lot better. As far as nursing, some babies are just slower than others. She might be going through a growth spurt and that might be why she's eating more now. Enjoy your time with her and stop hanging out with people who stress you out. C. (By the way, we attended to our daughter's every need, and now she's an amazing articulate 2.5 year old who almost every day will tell me spontaneously, "Mommy, I love you sooooo much")

Jody, hooray for you for putting your family first. I would tell anyone who tries to undermine you, that your family comes first, and this is what you are choosing to do. When the time is right, maybe you can invite your friends over for dinner and a movie. Until then, stick to your guns, or you will be upset about it all the time. Remember you are the mommy and the boss!! Also remember, we all have our mommy instincts, and you know your daughter best, so do what you feel is right. We have all been there where we are first time moms and not sure what to do. Do what your gut tells you. God bless.

Your baby is much too young to be left to cry. That approach is helpful after 6 months of age or so, but it is entirely up to you. Your friends sound annoying and ignorant. Stay home if you want, take care of your baby, and do what you need to do. Just don't answer their calls if that is all they have to say! Oh, and taking an hour to nurse at that age is not that unusual. Some babies nurse efficiently and quickly from the beginning, but many need to learn how.

First of all I want to congratulate you on your bundle of joy! Take this time and cherish it because times does fly. Mine litle girl is 4 1/2 mths old and it just flew by. As to your questions, don't let people tell you how to parent. This is your child not there. They raised there. Don't take it to heart, just smile and nod and do what you think is best. You are the mommy and you know what your baby needs. As for the feeding...Mine was doing this and the doctor said that she didn't like the pacifier I was using and she was using me as a human pacifier. You might want to try differant pacifiers and see if that helps. Just cherish your little one because before you know it she will be off and you will wonder where the time went!

This must be short since I'm on my way out, but I had to write and say that YOU ARE THE MOM! No one else knows your child, or what the baby needs. My son was a long eater, ate any time he wanted (I learned to do many things while breastfeeding) and slept when he wanted. The result? He weaned easily, never needed formula supplements, and sleeps like a champ now, even if he was up more than I'd have liked then. Don't listen to any advice that sounds wrong for your little girl!
A.

It's hard not to take it all personally. But, you have to trust yourself and your husband to know what is best for your family. Trust yourself, do what is right for you. Your friends only want to help you but kindly tell your friends that you appreciate their support and their advice and their desire to spend time with you and hopefully as everyone adjusts and grows you will have more freedom. But, for now, do what you think is important.

Jody,

I don't think that it should take that long for your baby to nurse. I think that if it were me, I would pump and try to feed her with a bottle to see if she takes that faster and better. It might be that she can't get your milk fast enough to satisfy her, she gets tired, stops eating and then gets hungry quickly because she isn't filled up. It won't hurt her to try a bottle with your milk. Make sure she is burped well, she may have a little colic as well.

First of all, congratulations on your little one!

Secondly, you asked for advice but I'm just wondering if you are really searching for someone who will tell you what you want to hear? If so, please don't call it asking for advice. That said, I think your friend is right. You should let her fuss. I know you want to be a good mother (who doesn't) BUT if you live your life around her schedule, you are just setting yourself up for big-time problems because she will know who really rules the roost (and it won't be you). Every parent wants to give their kids what they need but don't get confused with that she needs and what she wants. She absolutely is not too young to know that she's already in charge.

Hi Jody, your baby is only 2 months old, I don't think you need to let her fuss now. And why on earth do people think that you guys should be out in about right now? You have a 2 month old and it's January! I did not let my babies fuss when they were 2 months old. I checked on them when they cried and tried to figure out why they were crying. My oldest was like your baby, took forever to nurse and cried all the time (she had reflux - you may want to talk to your doctor about that to rule it out and if she has it it's easy to deal with). Do what you think is right and don't feel like you need to be going out. I'm with you, I'd rather be at home where you can relax. Baby is also going to be happier at home where you are relaxed, she will pick up on that. When she is a few months older and you guys have the whole feeding thing down and she's not needing to nurse as offten start taking her out more (plus it will be spring/summer!!). Also when she is a little older then you can start letting her fuss a little, then it may be more of a fuss because she lost a toy or is wanting your undivided attention. At that time you can talk to her while your doing something or give her a toy. That's how I taught mine to play by herself. I would put her in the room I was in and talk to her about what I was doing while she played. I started when she was about 4 months old (when she could sit in that round bouncy thing and play). But right now, when your baby cries she's trying to tell you something and I think you're right in what you have been doing. Don't worry about what others say. If you, hubby and baby are happy that's all that matters! Good luck!

You can't spoil an infant their needs need to be meet when they aren't they feel it this is why they were born to cry and not talk when they arrive.And as far as nursing she may take an hour on your breast but is she really eating your breast are also a pacifier to baby this is a comfort to her and as long as you want her on she will be on let her be soothed by you it is natural and will help her in the long run she is wanting to be with you.Don't let others tell you what to do mothering comes naturally and every baby is different.It is stressful to go out with a crying baby but you know what we all do and we have to for some reason or another.I would suggest that you try a baby sling and if you are uncomfortable with nursing in public use it put baby inside and get a big enough blanket to put in front of you and baby and let her nurse while you roam a store or out to eat.You don't have to let anyone see your baby just tell them she is asleep.I'm on my 3rd baby due in March and am nervous to take them all out with me in public my daughter is only 2 and needs to be watched closely she will take off running.

You can do something for unsolicited advice!?!?! Tell me more! I have two girls and STILL get it almost daily. :)

I do things differently and am totally ok to let the baby cry but that's just me. You have to do what works for you and what you're comfortable with.

Hi Jody -

You have a lot on your plate, so I will just try to reassure you at this point. It sounds like the parenting style you are comfortable with is "immersion parenting". I tell you this because yes, it is a real style. I hope that brings osme comfort. On the other side, as you have found, is another style which requires a child to conform to the family's schedule. It is a real style as well. I have found pros and cons to both, and I have watched parents raise children successfully on both ends.

Personally and professionally I stick to "immersion parenting" as the best style for infants. It helps them to develop trusting bonds with their parents in this first stage of development. This first year of your little angel's life she is learning to trust her caretakers and the environment around her. The only way she can communicate is by crying (or smiling). She is not trying to be difficult, disobedient, or demanding! Your response to her is what determines her ability to trust those she relies on - for the rest of her life. (I am a psychotherapist, so I do know something about this ability to attach, bond, and to trust.) All this said, I want to reassure you that YOU and your husband need to do what is in your hearts, in your gut, to do. I know it is hard to resist the advice of others, but God gave you this precious child to care for because He trusts your abilities to do so (even to seeking out advice when you need it!) Please rest assured.

Now as for the feeding every 2 hours... been there done that one! *hugs* My concern would be that she is getting all the nutrition she needs. Your milk may not be enough. I know that is hard to hear for those who are determined to solely breast feed. My recommendation is to talk to your doctor. He can best direct you on this matter. I think if she is still gaining weight normally, you may try a pacifier or something else to sooth her instead of nursing. If she is not gaining weight, it may be a good idea to supplement a little formula to give her that extra nutrition (and break for you). This is just my suggestion. Your doctor is probably your best answer on that. (P.S. If you do not feel comfortable with what your doctor says, please go to another one!)

I hope what I say does not add to your feelings of inadequacy. My intention is to support your "gut level" parenting style, and to validate it. You will soon learn every cry, every sound (and lack of), every mark on her little body, every meaning to every blink of her little eye. YOU are her mother, and you are doing fine. If your friends cannot support you, try to find some parents who will be able to do so.

If I can be of any help, her am I.

Blessings to you and congratulations!!!

LisaB

Well first off let me say congratulations. Secondly, let me say you aren't "spoiling" your child by going to her when she cries...you are attending her needs and SHOWING her that you will ALWAYS be there for her. Um, I believe this is what they call BONDING!!! LOL... I do feel your pain on this because (minus the colic) this was a flashback of my first child. He literally nursed all day... what I found out after a couple of weeks was that he wasn't getting a good latch on so it was taking him a lot longer to feed...so you might want to consult a lactation consultant/nurse or try pumping and feeding her a bottle. On top of it, it didn't matter whenever he cried he puked...and we're not talking a little spit up...we're talking Regan from the Exorcist! Buckets and buckets! We always wondered where it all came from. The minute he opened his mouth we were running for him so he wouldn't throw up.

The bottom line is you are bonding with your child. This is your first child (which yes, makes a difference because EVERY new parent will be content with just staying home and watching their new baby...it is a wonder and every little thing they do fascinates you). Newsflash...THAT'S OK. Doesn't matter what the other folks say...if it works for you, then it's right. Yeah, it is really nice to get out and do adult things but if you don't feel comfortable leaving the baby or you are schelpping baby around with you and you aren't enjoying yourself then what exactly was the point in going out? There isn't. When I finally left our son in someone's care for hubby and I to go to dinner and a movie we missed him but beyond one call 1/2 though the date, we refused to worry about him... When you can get to that point, then you are ready. For us, it took us 6 months.

Fact of the matter is everyone is going to give you advice whether you want it or not. I don't think they mean it to be malicious, it really is given with the best of interest at heart. You just need to take it for what it's worth. Most people who are giving you the advice, are giving you the very best that worked for THEM...take it or leave it, smile and say "thanks, I'll consider that," or "wow, I never thought of it that way" and move on. Either take it or leave it. If you are getting the pressure from family then there just comes a time when you tell them to back off...that this is YOUR first parenting experience and you and hubby are enjoying all the newness together and you aren't interested in missing ANYTHING yet. It may have been a long time since they had their first born but all of us can remember the time when we could just sit for hours on a couch and look at a baby sleep and think there was nothing better in life to do. In fact, I love reading these types of things which reminds me to slow down my daily life and enjoy the little moments with my 5 & 4 yr old.

You have no reason to feel inadequate. Everything that you are doing is NATURAL. If you continue to feel inadequate from the comments then just remove yourself from them for awhile...there is nothing that says you need to socialize a whole lot either...you can always beg off that this is the flu and viral season and you are limiting babies exposure...it's a plausible excuse and keeps you exactly where you want to be...at home with your daughter.

Oh, and one final thing...about letting baby cry. Yeah, I believe in this method IF it works for you. Obviously, it didn't work with my first born...but it DID with my second. If you have a puker or one with acid reflux (which may be a possibility) then letting them cry it out is only an exercise in how quickly you can find a mop and a bucket. And with my second...the crying it out method only worked at about 1 year when we were in the crib and fighting bed time. Read the articles, listen to what people say, solicite advise but bottom line, you have to follow your gut instinct and what works for you and your family...each family and every child is different...there is no one way to approach any of this...that's why there are so many differing opinions. Follow your heart and you'll always come out on top. Best of luck to you and hang in there!

1st, contact a Lactaton Consultant, something isn't working the right way if it's taking 1 hour to nurse.
IT'S NOT YOU! You are doing everything you know how to do to feed and love your baby, and good for you! I had already given up by 2 months.
2nd, your friends are right, you may be OK now, but soon you will hit a wall and be miserable, you need to get out without the baby once in awhile. You don't need to stay out all night, just go out for dinner or even to the grocery store! You would be amazed at how much our babies are different for other people. If they offered, take them up on it.
3rd, if you don't like to hear your baby cry, and really who does?, you don't need to let her cry it out. She's still too little for that anyway.
I always felt inadequate when people would tell me I was doing somethig wrong or this way is better, blah, blah blah. My only advice, is take a little time for yourself. Even if you love nursing your baby for hours, it will eventually take it's toll on you and you will break.
By the way, the unsolicited advice never ends. You just need to learn to ignore it. I am happy to say that now, I vent for a minute to my husband after I get some (it's usually from his mom), then I'm over it. It took over 4 years to learn that! Ugh, all the time I wasted worrying about stupid people! ;-)
Enjoy your new baby, but take time for yourself. The BEST advice I ever got was from a friend I called crying at midnight when my 1st baby wouldn't stop crying, "no baby has ever died from crying, give yourself a break"

I absolutely think that you and your husband should do whatever you both feel comfortable doing. You are the parents, not your friends and while their intentions may be wonderful you should do what is right for you. It's okay to be at your baby's beck and call now - she's a baby! And this time will pass quickly, and you'll be glad you spent the time focused on her. I personally believe (and this is just my opinion) a baby's cries should be answered as quickly as possible in the first 6 months. After that, it IS alright to let them cry some. That's how they learn to soothe themselves, and it is a learned skill that takes practice.

When your little girl is 5, I doubt you'll look back and wish you'd gone out more or let her cry more. But you may wish you'd spent every moment with her that you could have. Who knows - it's just my opinion! Good luck, relax and enjoy this time. You're doing great!

First of all, congratulations on the baby. A few things: I nursed both my boys and know what it's like to be "out and about" when knowing you'll have to nurse, it's a pain. Now, you and your friends are both right. We followed a parenting class, called "Growing Kids God's Way" and it taught us a lot about not being "child centered parents". (There is a non-Christian version too, called "Babywise" and it has mostly the same info, I guess.) You can not let your children rule your lives. They are an addition to your family, not the center of it. That being said, I also, like you, didn't go out much for quite some time. She is only 2 months old. Who wants to go out a lot with a child that new anyway? We loved being home, cuddling them up, etc. We did get a lot of peace though, by following the advice from the class. Maybe you could check into it and see what I'm talking about. (And we didn't follow it 100%, but most of it and it really helped our family.) There needs to be a balance, but also don't feel like you have to appease your friends and go out all the time. Once the nursing slows down a bit, and you're more comfortable with everything, yeah, go out for dinner just for a break for a couple hours and enjoy your marriage. You gotta take care of it too. Good luck!
PS - We did let our baby cry to help get him on a 3 hour schedule - eat/play/sleep and it was awesome. Made our lives so much simpler. But, he fell into it fairly quick, only crying about 10-15 min. max and then was on a schedule. I did start when he was just home from the hospital, but have a friend who just recently accomplished this when her son is 6 mos. old, so there's still plenty of time. AND, her baby was horribly colicky and has bad acid reflux. She could never put him down and he wouldn't sleep at nights, etc. She was dead exhausted, miserable, and once she did this, life is finally much better. She's sleeping, he's sleeping, it's awesome. My boys did some crying it out and we are totally, completely bonded and they're 10 and almost 4 and couldn't be closer. Don't think you're damaging her in some way, by letting her shed a few tears, that you won't bond, etc. That's a bunch of balogna. You know her best and know your limits, so just do what works for you and you're comfortable with.

I don't have anything new to say except that the best unsolicited advice I ever got was from my sister right after I had my son. She told me that the best thing for me to do as a parent was whatever felt right to ME - it doesn't matter what anyone else says/does. There are still times that I have to remind myself of that.
Best of luck to you & enjoy every minute with yoru sweet baby girl. :)

It seems you want confidence in your own decisions, which no one else can give you. Even on Mamasource you are going to hear conflicting advice.

The thing I learned to ask myself is, "Is my impulse instinct, or is it fear?" Once I knew I was following instinct and that my instinct agreed with reason, it really didn't matter what anyone else thought. God gave the job of caring for that baby to me and gave me the instincts to care for it.

When asking for perspectives, don't ask for 'advice'. People get the impression you are asking them to be your advisor, and worse, that you are asking them to make your decisions for you. You can even say, "I wouldn't want to burden you with making my decisions for me, but I would like to hear some voices of experience as I consider options in making my decisions."

When someone shares ideas and perspectives, just thank them for the generosity of thought and care. There is nothing wrong with learning as you go. You can always say something like, "We are learning a lot and appreciate your thoughts and your willingness to share them. It helps us a great deal. Right now we're experimenting with this method. We feel confident about our instincts. But the more we learn, the more we gradually adapt new ideas into our methods." This honors their contribution while still drawing the boundary about who is making the decision.

Confidence comes with experience, so be patient with yourself. Learning to be audacious enough to draw clear boundaries and courteous enough to not be offensive is an art that you can develop over time as well. It will get better.

Many mothers are 'talked out of' their natural maternal insticts. That baby was protected inside the womb up until just 2 months ago. Imagine how much that child has to learn to adapt to! There is nothing wrong with an infant staying home most of its first 2 or 3 months. In fact, it may well be that our culture has talked most of us out of our natural instincts that knew this. There will be plenty of time to get out and get social later. Take your time and enjoy your baby and let your baby have some peace... if that is what feels right to you!!!

This is just my opinion, but I do not feel an infant can be spoiled if you respond to their cries. It is the only way they know how to communicate! You can help them refine their manners of speech later! But they are learning much about their environment from how you react emotionally to the world around you. When people give 'advice', it often evokes feelings of worrying about doing things 'right'. This creates a posture of worry in us. It is better to focus on a posture of love, and learning, and gratitude, and faith, etc. After all, wouldn't you prefer to be held in the arms of virtue rather than the arms of worry?

I'm guessing this has already been said, but they say you can't spoil a baby at that age-- or for months to come, in fact. She isn't manipulating you to get her way, she's crying because she has a need. Don't feel guilty about comforting her as much as you please. Conversely, my mother tells the story of visiting an Amish-like community (forgot what religion they were) with a colicky infant me. "Crying's good for her lungs," they said assuringly, which is a wise mom's way of giving herself a break. It's okay to let your child cry a bit if you have to, whether it's because you can't tend to her immediately or you simply need a moment's reprieve. You also have to remember that as long as "crying it out" is an exception rather than the norm, you aren't hurting her. She won't even remember it. But most of all, I try to respect whatever decisions parents make, knowing that they love and want what's best for their children. So make informed decisions, but do what's right for you. If you love and express love for your child, it's hard to go too far wrong.

All that said, I have to mention the following because a woman changed my life by asking me this question: Are you drinking milk? She told me the story of her breastfed daughter and how her life was turned around by cutting all dairy from her (the mom's) diet after a woman asked her that question. Sure enough, eliminating dairy from my diet changed my daughter from a very fussy, CONSTANTLY nursing child (with frequently green stools) to a content baby who nursed on a more textbook schedule. It changed me from an exasperated, 24 hour nursing machine to a regular mom. CLEARLY this may not be the case for you, but dairy allergies in breastfed babies is much more common than is recognized and is sometimes the cause of colic. I suggest you research it if you think it's a possibility for you. It's worth trying (although eliminating all dairy from your diet is hard). Thankfully, these allergies are overcome and eventually I was able to consume dairy again without affecting my daughter.

Best wishes, and bless you for nursing your daughter. It's good for her, and clearly you're a good and loving mother that you're trying so hard and doing your best for her.

P.S.-- I know, I've said too much already, but also, it is my opinion that babies, especially young ones, simply need to be cared for. They know nothing about schedules and can't be "taught". They need what they need! When they get much older, however, you can begin teaching them to respect others' needs, too. For example, they can learn to wait patiently for a minute if you're doing something the second they decide they want juice. That's where "spoiled" comes in. They cannot always be the center of the universe but have to learn to become part of it.

Jody, I went through the same thing in regards to the way we parented vs. the way others were parenting. At the end of the day, what is most important is the happiness of your family. You have to do what works for you!!
In regards to the feeding, I just wanted to throw this out there. With my first son, I would breastfeed forever, only to have him hungry 1.5 - 2 hours later. I ended up breastfeeding, then supplementing with formula. Just an ounce or so after breastfeeding. He wasn't getting enough milk from me, which was making him fussy. Once we started the formula, life was much better. I wasn't for the idea at first, but soon realized I needed help (and sleep!)
Best of luck and remember, family first!!

i'm a little late in putting this on here but i wanted to give my support and encouragement - you absolutely should do what works for YOU. i am also of the "work around the baby don't expect a baby to work around you" school. my son is two and we are home usually at least 6 out of 7 nights of the week, and he is in bed by 8 every night. if we have errands to run we do them directly after work/daycare. we are getting to the point where we do things at night, but still we're almost always home by 8 or so to put him in bed. but on the other hand, neither my husband nor myself are very sociable, "busy body" type of people. we're homebodies! but i do think that my son has the best behavior and sleep habits of any kid i know. just do what feels right for you and your baby, don't worry about what people say you "should" do. if you want to go out for dinner and are okay with a fussy baby, that's great. if not, don't feel like you have to because it's what you "ought" to be doing. your daughter is only 2 months old and it's winter time, she doesn't need to be out much anyway, especially with colic. if you felt as miserable as she feels at times, you probably wouldn't want to be out in public. at least that's how i feel about it.

as far as accepting unsolicited advice, i agree with some of the other posters. keep in mind that the longer you're a mom, the more confidant you'll feel about your choices and it'll be easier to let their critisizm (or what you think is critisizm) slide off your back. don't take it personally. so many of us are moms, and so many of us love and are so proud of our kids, we all feel like we're doing it right! and when you're proud of something you've "done", you can sometimes talk about it too much, or share your experiences, and since it worked for you, feel that it ought to work for someone else. what i usually do in those cases, what works for me, is just a simple, "oh that's cool." or "oh i might have to try that." i look interested but don't comment on whether or not i want, need, or even respect their advice. they feel the need to give it, that's fine. it's my perrogative whether i use it or not, and i don't really feel, especially if it's unwarranted advice, that i owe them a promise to try it out!

anyway, i'm done rambling...lots of good advice here. you'll feel more confidant after awhile and probably you won't even hear those advice-givers anymore. and if you ever DO want advice, this is a great place to get all kinds of it! :)

this sounds so familiar. i felt exactly the same way when my daughter was very young. if you feel more comfortable at home, stay there. these people who are not parents like you will never understand. mine is 2 and people still dont understand how rude and inconvenient they can be. this time will seem like it flew by once the baby has gotten a little older, and call me crazy, but you may actually miss the days when you had an excuse to be at home, doing nothing but loving that little one all day...

You are doing the right thing. I tend to believe that idea that the first 3 months after they are born is the 4th trimester...they need all the love, food and support. A baby isn't a blackberry or a computer game - at your whim. We are at theirs! :)

Babies go through growth spurts and will eat closer together during those spurts. Check out www.kellymom.com and www.breastfeeding.com - they have some articles about these growth spurts so that you know approx when to be expecting them. At this point in time, her tummy might be the size of a ping pong ball...of course she needs to re-fuel often.

The only way a baby has to communicate is by crying. If we ignore them and just let them fuss (as many well wishers will tell you), we teach them that they can't count on us and that's really not what you want to teach them first off.

In the beginning, you can just smile and if something sounds like advise you want to try, do so. If not, don't. This baby is YOUR baby, not theirs. Everyone does everything differently.

You sound like WONDERFUL first time parents to me. So many people don't keep up on what current knowledge is out there on raising a baby, so they tell you what they heard 5 years ago OR 35 years ago, as if it's the only way. I got to the point where I would say this, "Well, we all used to pee in an outhouse years ago - but we have a better way now". :)

She'll eat faster as she grows. In the mean time think of it as this - you have to take a break (sit down and relax) when you feed her - maybe that is what God intended?? So, enjoy this time. You are doing the best things, you have a good solid foundation for raising this baby with love.

One other little secret of mine. I don't believe in colic. I think they call it that when they don't know what to call it. Check with a lactation consultant (try the hospital where she was born). You may need to eliminate some dairy from your diet or certain foods. They can help you. Meantime, Mylicon infant drops are incredible and don't hurt the baby. You might try that??

Also, I turned to a breast feeding support group. Those moms tended to basically have these similar feelings about child feeding and rearing and it was SO nice to feel like you were in a room with some people with some SENSE (ie, they way I felt!!):) It was manned by a Certified Lactation Consultant who is a goddess...life saver and very wonderful person to know. I am not a joiner, so it was difficult for me to do, but I decided I'd do it for the baby and it was the best thing I ever did!

Congratulations on breastfeeding too - you are a woman with super powers now! Fighting cancer, diabetes, obesity, allergies, etc, etc!! Way to go!

First, my kid's doctor said that you should not just let them cry before the age of one because they do not have that self comfort skill yet. Second, you will get tons and tons of advice from fellow parents, your parents and that generation and grandparents ect. All of them telling you what to do. Some of it is good advice and some of it is bad or outdated. You should question all advice and talk to your doctor. Your doctor can be your best friend at this time and for the next 18 years. My kid's doctor also told me when I was in that same situation that his job was to take care of me as well as my daughter.Don't be afraid to call your pediatrician with all sorts of questions
As for the breast feeding, North Kansas City Hospital has an great program. If nothing else, they can set you up with a support group.
As for your friends, right now you don't feel confident about your parenting skills which will come along. Just keep telling yourself that you are this baby's parent and you will do what is best for them. Smile and say thank you. Be gracious then do what you think is best.
Good luck

I have raised 5 kids. Been a teacher, am a grandmother. I have always felt that a baby's crying should be recognized. How else can they communicate? sometimes the baby just needs to know you are around. Talk conversationally with him/her. Massaging all over is also a good thing. we all need to be recognized at any age. Many societies are in body contact with their babies much of the time. I used to carry mine around on my back in a baby carrier while I did housework. Sometimes I think they are just bored and need to see what is going around them. They all turned out to be responsible, caring people. Dr., PT, Photographer, Construction supervisor, DDS. I think all of the above advice worked out well. It was and is so much fun to be their Mom.
Colic: I always found a glycerin suppository works immediatly, non habit forming. Good luck. Relax and have fun with your baby. Carolyn Marsh

Unsolicited advice is always going to be there - even from strangers! You just have to get witty with your responses or let it roll off your shoulders. Your friends sound like they don't mean any harm. Is there a reason they think you need to get a couple hours out without the baby? Do you or your husband seem "stressed" & they think you could use a few to yourselves? I knew a couple who hadn't been around babies much & I visited them when their baby was a few weeks & they were in total chaos because they hadn't known what to expect. They were happy & loved the baby, but they wer turning in circles trying to get everything straight (they breastfed, also) Just a sugestion...
As far as the constantly eating (I'm not a breastfeeding expert), but have you tried pumping to see how much milk you are really producing? Is it possible you are not producing enough for her to eat any faster? I know several people who once they pumped realized they were only making about 2 oz at a time
Good luck & remember as long as you are trying your best, nothing else matters!

I recommend going to a La Leche League meeting, as you are nursing. It's a great place for support and information, and it sounds like you parent in a way that is common at LLL meetings.

As others said you are the mom. I often just recognized that they said something and left it at that, like "I'll keep that in mind" or something. It does get easier (once they realize you're the best family ever and butt out). I mostly commented because you are doing the type of parenting I love to see, paying attention to your baby, doing what's best for YOUR family, not anyone else's. I've found a few good books, but most things I know about being a mom I learned from my kids. You're well on your way. Enjoy.

K.

I have three boys and still remember all unwanted advice I got. Mostly from my mother and mother in law. The best advice I have is smile politely and then do what you feel is right. You can not spoil a baby by giving them what they want such as holding them. Most of the time I find the the best advise came from the book "What to Expect the First Year."

As to the feedings, as inconvenient as it is it will pass. Babies go through growth spurts and it seems like all they want to do is eat.

Just remember you can never love a baby too much.

Congraulations it may not seem like it at 2:00 when you are walking the floor with a crying baby but this is the best time of your life.

Hi Jody,
A mother's instinct should never be ignored. Do what you feel is right and that's the best you can do. You can listen to what others advise and take from it what you want, but don't compromise your feelings and go against your instincts.
I felt I never did anything but nurse when mine were that young. It's not going to last forever...cherish it.
lb

Good Morning Jody, You know your feelings and how your little Angel is. I was a very nervous mama the first time around when it came to nursing my son. If someone came over to visit I ran to the bedroom. Well that got old and made me even more nervous. So much so I dried up in less then 3 wks. My Dr. told me I needed to relax more and not to worry as to feeding my son in front of people, be discreet with a blanket etc. I was so bound up I wasn't even digesting my food. Would have... Well it wasn't pretty.
I sincerely hope you do not have the same problem. Nursing for some of us was difficult, for others it is a walk in the park. He didn't nurse well in the hospital either and the nurses at that time were NO help, they just took him away and gave him a bottle. Told me I was a lazy mom with a lazy baby. Grrrrrrrrrrr

Moist heat on the tummy relieves some of the colic symptoms. Burping more often can also help some. Try nursing her for 10-15 minutes burping her and waiting a little while after to continue. Maybe Pump and try a bottle with gas drops.
I know in my Heart there are some Awesome Mama's out there with alot more experience and the Greatest advice in this area.

God Bless you Jody and enjoy your precious little Angel
K. Nana of 5

I had a hard time with this when I had my first baby. I knew what my baby needed or tried figuring it out anyways. The thing that bothered me was people would tell me what I needed to do, but I was putting my all in everything I did with my baby and when someone told me I was doing something wrong or I should do it a different way it got on my nerves. Im sorry but I knew my baby better than anyone and I knew what she needed. Letting a two month old "cry it out" is ridiculous. They are helpless and need you, when they cry thats their way of telling you they need something or they dont feel good, or they just want you to hold them, and what is wrong with that? When your baby gets older your going to wish you could still hold them like a baby. Breastfed babies eat ALOT, when I was nursing it is a full time job and you never know when they are going to be hungry again. They also go through growth spurts where they will eat alot more! I didnt do long outings when I was breastfeeding either. If you have to though, you could probably pump, she might be old enough now to take a bottle. My son went through what I thought was colic and the doctors even told me that was probably it. But I knew something else was wrong when he was screaming in pain everynight. Just by chance I went out and got him a lactose free formula because my husband is lactose intolerant and within 24 hours I had a new baby. He was happy and never in pain! So to sum it up, Moms know best. It may take longer than you want, but you Mom will figure it out. As far as the advice, in one ear and out the other. You know whats best for her and you dont need anyone telling you to ignore your baby. I know they are trying to help and they care about you but they really need to let you be Mom. Good Luck. Congrats on baby. Cherish her because she will grow very fast. My first baby is 4!

The "other" Friends are just trying to help you avoid being a "Child Centered" family - which means - here's an example, when your daughter is five years old and you are all getting into the car to go to a restaurant to eat and she decided that she doesn't want to go, then the whole family gets out of the car and stays home.

I have a friend who holds her child all day. She likes it and doesn't mind. I come to visit and when she puts him down (at 18 months old) because her arm is tired and she needs to grab the pizza out of the oven and needs two hands. He has a total meltdown and she scoops him up and spends the next 20 minutes of our lunch together trying to soothe him and make him happy - this does two things. It makes me feel sorry for her and makes me not want to be around that. Many friends think they are helping by giving advise. Since this is your first, they will all think that their information is something you haven't heard yet. Just let them know that you have heard all the information to make an informed decision. They all Mean well. Just thank them and change the subject.

I'm the opposite, I think it takes a village to raise a child. I have to pry ideas and suggestions out of my family and friends. The reason is that every child is different. What works for one, maybe not work for the other. My first 3 children potty-trained for totaly different reasons and totally different ways. Anyway, your friends and family just want you to "have a life" - just tell them that this IS your life and you don't want anything more and that you are happy. "Thanks, but no thanks." Good Luck!

I haven't read the other responses so I apologize if I'm repeating anything they've said. I was just like you and your baby sounds just like my daughter. Its scary when you're a first time mom and your instincts are so powerful at that time. I wasn't able to let my daughter cry it out. It was impossible. She was also feeding for a really long time and I found it very difficult to go anywhere and would just choose short outings to the park or to Target. LOL. That was my big outing. I did find that I wasn't producing enough breast milk and that was why she was feeding for a long time and getting frustrated. I supplemented with a formula but the crying didn't lessen. In order to get some sleep, I had her crib in our room and a bassinet by our bed so that she was always there. Just remember, you're the mom and its up to you how you decide to parent your child. For all of the literature out there about letting babies cry it out, you'll also find contradicting information that say babies need nurturing. You have to do what's right in your heart as a mom. Soon you'll feel more comfortable going on outings and your baby will be growing and adapting as well. Don't worry about it and just love your precious little girl.
I'd suggest this book http://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Parenting-Book-Commonsen...

Along wiht parent hood comes all of the unpleasant things that no one ever tells us about. The point that you are making is a very valid point. First of all, you are doing what is right for you and your family, if it is working and you feel good about it, no inadeqacy need be felt. You sound like a very loving mom, kudos to you.

Now, one of the unpleasant things that we find as we have children is that we may have a very different family style than our friends. Until now you had no reason to disagree with them about when to go out or how to raise a baby, now you do. You will find that as you and your family grows you will gravitate toward people who mesh well with your family style.

Some times friends are well meaning but do not understand the pressure they are placing on others. As your babys mom, it is up to you to set a schedule that meets her needs as well as yours, not your friends!! They need to understand that. So, when they come out with a statement that sounds like pressure. Reassure them that your priority right now is your family. You are looking forward to spending some time with them when it is a little less hectic with a newborn and leave it at that. If they do not understand, that is their problem.

I have been there with a fussy baby. My daughter was born with an under developed stomach. She cried when she was hungry, she took longer to eat, and then she cried afterward. Being at home with her made me more comfortable and when I was more comfortable so was she. She caught up a little after 4 months and going out with her was a lot easier.

Take care, you are doing just fine.

"Let her cry it out" is only for children who have nothing wrong and are just rebelling against going to bed. It is not for a situation with a child in pain, or sick. Your baby may have some acid reflux issues, or other issues that need to be addressed.

Also, I had one child that had some problems nursing. She was born very tiny, and seemed to have to work so hard to nurse that it wore her out, and she, too would take over an hour and still not finish because she kept falling asleep. Seemed I had to nurse her every hour or so.
We finally went to the bottle, but even then the nipples were hard work for her, so we went to preemie nipples. (and used them for months)
Suddenly I had a different baby ! She nursed easily, got her little tummy full in a much shorter amount of time, and she slept more peacefully and for longer periods of time. No more spitting up or fussiness. She was a happy, alert baby (finally !)

Now that she is grown, we have been told by her dentist that she has a very small mouth. She needs to have some teeth removed, orthodontics to straighten the rest, and when they take x-rays, they must use the child size cards, even though she is an adult. I guess now we know why she had so many problems nursing ! :o)

When it comes to your baby, listen to the advice being offered (because it's not always bad) but then glean the good from it, discard the rest, and always listen to your heart. You know your baby better than anyone else (including some well-meaning-but-without-a-clue-to-reality physicians).

I think that you just have to do what your heart tells you. You know your child better than anyone else. Personally when my first child was born he did not get to spend the night at even a grandmothers house until he was over 1 year old. You will know when you feel comfortable leaving your child with someone else or when it will be easy for you to take them out without making you feel inadequate. Just take what you want from the advice and leave the rest behind. They are not always right even if they think they are.

First of all, you can't spoil a newborn. If she's crying, comfort her, and don't let anyone make you feel as though you are doing anything wrong. What works for some doesn't always work for others. If you are asking for the advice, then take it, and use it as you see fit. If you aren't asking for the advice, then just say thank you, and then let it go out the other ear!

Now, here's what we did to help our colicky son...(and you can try it, or let it go out the other ear, persay). First, read the book, the Happiest Baby on the Block. It is a small, well-constructed book, and helped me get through those early months. Next learn to swaddle, and swaddle her good. Then hold her close and rock her hard, or jiggle her (NOT SHAKING...jiggling), and last pat her little bottom all the while you are doing this. This all really seemed to help my son when he would cry for no reason. Your daughter may be sensitive too, which they say can make for a colicky baby.

I held and loved my son like he wouldn't be there tomorrow, and he never ended up "spoiled". He is a very loving, compassionate, smart, well-adjusted 4 yr old.

We went through some cry-out stages during some sleeping problems, but he was nearly 2 then. And that is just another phase your daughter will go through. And when that time comes, you will do what's best for her, and you, too.

Until then, hold your baby, and comfort her as well as you can. That's all she wants. And if she does have a little gas, those gas drops are wonderful!!

Good luck!

well, since you solicited this advice i won't feel like I'm being intrusive...LOL. Look, MOST people, not all, but most people when they give advice don't expect you to do what they say. Often they just are expressing concern or relating what worked for them. My oldest daughter gets really up tight when I give her "mom"-isms, and argues with everything that comes out of my mouth. So I ALWAYS preface it with, "you don't have to try this, but it worked for me when you were little...." and then she usually listens.
So, here goes "you don't have to try this but..." my daughter had colic, she was horrible. Cried ALOT, wouldn't sleep, ate every two hours or so and threw up , so we got where we would only feed her about 1 oz, burp her, hold her for a while, feed her another oz....it took almost an hour at every feeding, but it kept it down and diminished the effects of the colic. This was before symethicone drops. THOSE were a life saver with my son.
Basically, you do what you need to to make that baby comfortable, if it doesn't bother you to schedule around her, then do that. You can't always force babies into schedules when they have immature nervous systems and digestive systems. You sound like you are coping and doing ok. So take away from the unsolicited advice what is positive and will help you, and the rest of it just smile and say thanks for your concern. :)

I just have to echo the praise for Dr. Sears' books. "The Baby Book" helped me figure out that MY daughter's fussiness was caused by acid reflux, which is fairly common in babies. After reading the symptoms, we were able to help her by getting her on medication and taking some of the non-medication steps to ease her discomfort (keeping her upright after feedings, raising one end of her crib, etc.)So please check out any of Dr. Sears's books-- even if you can't figure out what's wrong, there will be many tactics in there for you to try.

And keep up with the nursing. My daughter would nurse for 45 minutes for 2-3 hours in the morning and again like that at night. I can't remember how long this went on, but it was right around 1-2 months old. Babies know what they need so just do your best to listen and follow your instincts. The important thing is that you are TRYING to help, even if you're not figuring it all out (no parent can, at that age). Just do what feels right for you and your baby, and you can't go wrong.

Do what your motherly instincts are telling you with your baby. If you feel more comfortable being at home, stay at home. My first was a lot like the way your situation sounds, she was a constant eater in the beginning and we didn't go many places. Someone suggested to try a binky in between feedings, and that her "need to feed" was more of a security issue rather than a hungry issue. Well, I tried it and it worked, as long as I was still in her sight, and sometimes only if I was still holding her. It seemed like she changed overnight at about 6 months of age, she wasn't nearly as fussy, we could take her out and to restaurants and she would be great. So, it does get better, and I firmly believe that motherly instincts work best, every baby is different and they all need different levels of attention. For instance, when my 2nd was born, he was independent from the moment he came out. He only wanted to be held when he was hungry. After that, he wanted to be set somewhere where he could look around, but holding him and snuggling with him was usually out of the question. I could take him out and about as soon as we were released from the hospital. Good luck!

Jody, you got a got of responses, and I guarantee you'll get more! This is one of the hottest topics for all of us I think! As for the unsolicited advice...well, you'll hear A LOT of it and I hate to say, at 19 months into it, it's still going strong for us, but I agree with the previous poster...you get less sensitive about it as you grow more confident in your own decisions and parenting style. You learn to have "selective hearing" so-to-speak, and usually I end up smiling and nodding politely and say, "well, I'm glad you found something that worked for you, I'll think about it." Then I proceed to do what I feel is the right thing for my family. A lot of times, people are truly trying to help and share what worked for them. You'll do the same down the road!

At 2 months your little one is still such a new addition to this world and needs you so much. I'm with you...I'd probably be more comfortable at home. Maybe you can invite them over (let them bring some takeout) and you can both win! They'll also see that what you are doing, works for you. As for the extended feedings in the evening...that is totally normal, especially for a breastfed baby...it's called "cluster feeding" and it seems to help them have a little more extended time between feedings through the night. Let her eat when she needs to eat and if your friends have a problem with it, you might need to take a little break from them for a while as you and your family find your way thru these early days of parenting!

As many different children as are in this world, you'll find just as many parenting beliefs, techniques and methods...you find what works for you and what feels right to you. Be open-minded...some advice, even unsolicited, can be VERY valuable...but if something really rubs you the wrong way or feels like it is against every fiber of your being...don't do it! I was that way with the "cry-it-out" stuff with my daughter when she was young...it was just totally wrong for us and for her. And there have been many situations since then where I've had to evaluate advice and realize it's not for us. There is NO one right way to do anything when it comes to parenting, except to love that child with your whole heart.
I think you'll be happy here at mamasource. People share their opinions, experiences, and beliefs, but in the end, most are supportive of each family doing what is right for them.
Hang in there...it does get easier!