What to Do When Your Nanny Is Stealing--not from You, but from Your Friend

I have no nanny.
You have no proof. Let her go if she makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, without proof, you do nothing.

When I was a nanny, mutual absolute trust was essential. They were trusting me to provide quality care for their child. I was trusting them to continue to pay me.

I always told prospective clients to 'sleep on it' before they made the decision to hire me. "Think about it, and go with your gut instinct. I won't be offended if you feel this isn't a good match."

At this point, you don't trust your nanny. Period. So, it isn't a good match. I would be honest with her-- you recommended her to people who trusted you and they were burned by her. In essence, she burned you as well by not staying trustworthy. I'd say "I know this is hard, but in this situation, I do need to let you go. I cannot provide a glowing reference for you because you violated the trust of people I care about."

Give her the pay she has earned up to that point and let her go. I would interview other nannies or look for a quality child development center to cover for the interim. Sorry that you are in this situation, J.. Honestly, though, in all of the years I did nanny and preschool work, I never once thought about stealing from my clients. She proved herself to be a repeat offender-- given the opportunity and availability of the items, she chose to steal. Sad, but that is not your problem.

Bear this in mind since you're considering keeping her on until your child begins preschool: Do not do that. She needs to go now and NOT "work out her notice" or wait until fall.

Nanny knows already---doesn't she?--that when preschool rolls around, she's gone. She may decide, when it's closer to losing-her-job time, that she has nothing to lose by stealing from YOU as she's about to go out the door. You may not have designer handbags lying around, but if she knows she is due to leave, she may find something, anything, to steal. Right now I'd even be concerned that she might have had access to my checkbooks or credit card while in my house all this time.

So I'd dismiss her immediately. I would tell her she is getting two weeks' pay in lieu of two weeks' notice and she should not come back to your house tomorrow; tell her in a positive friendly tone that she should use that time to start seeking a new job. If she fusses and fumes, stay as cold and calm as you can and if she asks "What did I do wrong? I have been so good to your child" and so on --tell her that you are making changes in advance of summer and preschool and repeat that she should use the "two weeks' notice" time to move on and job-hunt, as she will be fully paid for that time.

It is very unfortunate that your friends, as her employers, did not confront her and especially unfortunate that they did not call the cops! They are the ones who found things missing, not you. Since you have not noticed anything missing, I don't see how you can confront her yourself -- your confrontation would be based on hearsay, no matter how much you believe your friends.

The real problem may crop up when she asks you for a reference for her next nannying job or any other job. I would tell her -- only if she asks, don't raise the reference issue -- that you follow the same procedure as many other employers and will gladly confirm the dates she worked for you. Leave it there. Do not offer to do any more and certainly don't cave in if she gets emotional and begs you to write her some generic but positive reference. Confirming dates of employment only is a way that employers signal to other potential employers that someone is a problem. Any smart parent is going to see that as a huge red flag, I sure hope. You can't say "she's a thief" because you have no direct knowledge of that, and frankly it would be slander -- even though it clearly seems to be true.

She must be very plausible and pleasing if she can get away with tales about how "construction workers" were also let go when she was, etc. Did you contact those former employers for their side of it, when you hired her?

One other thing -- your child is going to be upset when nanny disappears overnight but I don't see any other way to handle this without risking her stealing from you or trying to play you emotionally so she can stay and...steal from you on the way out the door. Be ready to distract and redirect your daughter for a while to come and be sure you have your story ready to tell your child about why nanny's gone. You and your husband have to be on exactly the same page about what you'll tell your daughter, whatever it is. Your child may be upset at times but will get over it (and she'll get over it better the younger she is).

You don't say if firing nanny immediately creates a child care issue for you (like, you would need another nanny the very next day because of your job etc.) but I wouldn't keep her on board, no matter what.

I would confront her. Tell her your friends have missing items and it occured when she was working for them. I tell her that you just want her side of the story. I would also let her know that I couldn't give her a referral if I think she stole from my friends. There are always 2 sides to every story and I think it is wrong to accuse her without finding out if she really stole from your friends. Good luck!!

She has not stolen from you. You do not have proof that she stole from anyone else. If she does a great job taking care of your child, and you only have a few months to go until your daughter starts preschool, I would stay the course. If she steals from you, fire her.

Tough one for sure. As someone who has always used a nanny, I know how hard it is to switch and especially when it's only for a few months. It's one thing when you feel she is not caring for your daughter right. That's not the case here... It's also one thing if you were thinking of keeping her for years. Also not the case here. So I likely would keep her. I'd be watching like a hawk and if there was any sign she was not keeping my daughter safe and/or neglecting her, then I'd let her go immediately. Otherwise, while her stealing is horrible, your primary concern has to be your daughter. Switching caregivers is very hard on a child and then just when she's used to the new one, she'll have to switch again to school. I'd want to avoid that to the extent I'd even overlook this since it's for a short time. And what would you tell the new nanny? It's only for a few months? Hard to get someone really good if that's their outlook. Good nannies want long term. Or do you lie to get them to sign on? And if so, how is that much better than what she's done?... Really tough but I've had nannies for years and I think that's what I'd do. If you have another optioin like a grandmother or someone your daughter knows or starting the preschool early or taking a leave of absence from work, then I'd go with that. But likely you don't have that option.

I am thinking exactly what Leigh wrote. Let her go as soon as you have backup childare, as soon as possible but with no advance notice for her (with 2 weeks severance pay, but on the day you tell her you are letting her go, do it at the end of the day and that has to be her last day at your house).

I think this because
1) If she'll steal from someone else, she'll steal from you and
2) she knows her job is coming to an end in a few months, which means she has nothing to lose. Her job is ending either way - she may try to 'make the most of it' by taking what she can in the last month or so, even if she hasn't stolen from you in the past.

Right now it's only accusations.
You haven't noticed anything missing from your house. Your friend and her sister have...but unless they saw her do it it's not 100% that she did. I understand, they are sure. Maybe she did. BUT, she hasn't stolen from you.
SO, if she is asking for a reference then you can ONLY reference what she has done with you. Most people would not want a nanny that is constantly looking for advances either. But, if you tell potential employers what she has been ACCUSED of then she could sue you for slander.
Don't want that!
I don't know if you should stick it out or not. I mean, you should be able to trust her. Now you don't.
L.

So, you are judge the jury? She didn't get a chance to explain anything. I have known friends and family to steal from one another. I don't know what to say, but it's a shame that you are considering ruining her reputation on a hunch or guess. One thing I would caution is that you could subject yourself to liability for libel if you repeat those unfounded accusations and she gets wind of it.

I would need more than suspicion, but I would want to know for sure. I would probably invest in a nanny cam and leave a gift card or something similar out somewhere, see what happens. If she takes it, let her go and don't give referals. If she doesn't, give her the benefit of the doubt and tell people what you have told us, that she is great with your kids. Tanking a two year recommendation on unproven accusations seems unfair, particularly if you are otherwise so happy with her.

I'm not sure why so many people have accused her of stealing, and no one has contacted the police. If there's a pattern here, she a) needs help and b) needs to make restitution!

If one employer tells the police that one thing is missing, that's not much to go on. But if multiple people can document what's missing, you may be looking at grand larceny when the values are added up. The police check her bank records and local pawn shops (with appropriate warrants), and see where this leads. If you do nothing, you simply pass the problem on to the next family. Moreover, when she is snooping and pocketing things, she's just not watching the children, is she? Successful thieves can be very charming and skilled at getting people's trust. So she could easily have used her personality and abilities to snow you, and as a result you referred her to 2 other families. Who knows what she's really doing?

I'd at least sit down (with the 2 other friends) and have a conversation with the police. Also, did anyone run a criminal background check on her before hiring her?