What to Do When Kids Are with Dad?

Hi J.!

Just like you, my ex has joint custody of our 2 kids, and we also are not in good terms, which makes things hard sometimes. But like many moms have already mentioned, I do think tht is importnat for my kids to see and know their dad. And also to see that at least I'm an adult, even when he doesn't behave like one.
Anyway, one thing that worked really good for me to keep me busy was to volunteer at the Arizona Humane Society. I love cats, and when I moved out to an appartment I couldn't have any pets. So I would spend 4 hours on Sundays taking care of lots of cute and cuddly cats there. Now that I have a house I don't voulunteer anymore, but I have a front and back yards that keep my busy. Also going to the gym or hiking is great for me too.
I hope things get better for you. I wish you the very best.
Angie

Hey J.: I don't know very many women who are divorced or separated who are on good terms with their X's. I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. My soon to be X-husband has 50/50 custody for the sole purpose of him not having to pay child support (it's always about money)! I started working out really hard when I didn't have the kids. It worked out the frustrations and now I am starting to get tone and feel great about myself. Not too mention it drives him nuts that I am losing weight and looking good. And we had a fire prevention day about a month ago here in town I took my kids to and I stumbled onto the fire truck of a handsome single fireman and that has helped too. Just remember just because you don't have your kids every night you don't have to be single and alone. Go out and have some fun every once in a while. It will make you feel better.

Wow, Can I relate, I had to respond. I can relate more than you know almost the same exact thing happened to me and left me broke & broken hearted without anyone I spent most of the time when my children were away crying and feeling sad & miserable. I started planning something every night day or hour my daughters were going to be away. That was the only thing that kept me sane. Good luck. My thoughts will be with you..

K.

Hey Jenifer,
I have 5 kids and am off everyother weekend, I love my weekends off but feel guilty at the same time. I usually go out with some friends in my area on Saturdays and try to keep myself busy the other days. Sometimes I just like to lock all my doors and pretend Im not home...If you ever get board when the kids are gone let me know and you can meet my friends and I out..T.

I feel the same way my soon to be ex husband has never spent more than thirty minutes a day or night with my daughter since she's been here which has alomst been three years. If he thought it didn't bother me that he wanted joint custody he wouldn't has ever gone for it. I dirve myself crazy when it's his weekend I don't know what to do with myself. My ex has a new women around every other week and it kills me my daughter has to see all that!!!! I could only imagine what it must feel like if it was my ex best friend. First off don't ever let him know that any of that bothers you ever! I'm not sure if your like me but I wear my feeling on my sleave and the more my ex thought something he was doing bothered me the more he acted like a jerk to me. The second I started ignoring him like he wasn't even there he wouldn't leave me alone, was all nice and everything. As for you feeling completely lost when your kids aren't there, I try to save all my shopping, cleaning, visiting, and anything else for when my daughter isn't there staying busy helps! I know how hard it is and I will be praying for you!!!

i used to go to bed after my ex picked up my son on friday night and pretty much styed in bed feeling sorry for myslef all weekend. My baby sister got tired of this and dragged me out to a dance club one wekend. it was really uncomfortable for me because 1. our divorce wasnt final yet and 2. it had been a long time since i had been out anywhere, much less without a partner. i met her friends and they in turn introduced me to more firends , i got invitations to picnics and barbques and pretty soon i had a new circle of friends. ( all my previous friends hand taken up with my ex and i lost not only my marriage but also everyone i thought was my friend because they had all been covering up for him for years. o after a while i looked forward to every other weekend. when i hosted a barbque at my house one sunday and my ex dropped my son off early he was furious that i had a social life. then he started changing the times and weekends just to try to mess up my schedule. after 2 years and his new marriage he was still furious that i had a life. i statred dating a wonderful man who had been a part of our circle of friends and had been pursuing me since the beginning. i decided to give him a chance and now we are married 9 years. im sure glad i gave him a chance and that i got out of bed. dont feel sorry for yourself get out and meet people no matter how hard it is. you need that mommy time and though divorce is terrible , it give you a chance to do something for yourself that you wouldnt otherwise have if you were still married.

I think you should do something you enjoy during the weekends your kids are at their dad's house. Let go the resentment that he has been out of their lives if you can. It will eat away at you and do you no good or your kids no good. Try to think about the positives in having the kids spending time with their father. Think of how they may feel when they are adults if they never were able to spend time with their father. You are the example. The more adult you behave about the situation, the better example you will be for them. The main thing is to treat yourself when they aren't there so you have a less stressful time without them. By the way, I am sorry to hear this happened in your life. I know it can eat away at you. Take every day w/your kids as a blessing.

Wow, what a loser(s)! I'm sorry you are having to deal with such a mess. When I seperated/divorced my husband I used to feel the same way. My girls were 1 and 3. I missed them dearly!! They were my life...my existence. I learned to find some things to fill my time. If you don't have friends...I didn't...make some. Go see the movies you've been dying to see but can't because of being with the kids. Schedule appointments for the weekend ie: hair, nails, whatever. Go to the mall...it is a totally different experience without kids. Enjoy a bike ride...the weather is so beautiful outside. There are a lot of groups of people that get together to go hiking around the various mountains in Phoenix. The local sports stores have listings of events. Sports Authority,REI, and The Bike Barn I know carry newspapers or bulletin boards with events. Do you work? I did, and when I started to talk with people, I realized their were several other women looking for friends to do things with. Like you said, even though you were married, your husband was gone a lot. Such is the case for many women...hopefully not for the reasons I think your husband was gone...
Depending on your personality/age, you might consider taking up a hobby or doing some projects around the house. Michael's Craft store has a lot of courses to learn how to do crafty stuff or even cake decorating. (I've always wanted to learn how to make a beautiful cake...but, no time.)

Either way, Good luck! I'm sure with a little time you will come to enjoy your time alone. I did! And, more than ever...I do now! I live for two minutes of solitude! MAKE FRIENDS!

I know how hard it is to let someone else parent your children. Especially when you think that you can do it so much better. I Say these things because that is the way I felt when my ex stepped back in my children lives. But I soon learned that the children needed both of our love and support. So I quit worrying so much and started to enjoy the time away. The children will grow up and know what you have done to help them grow. And they will appreciate you even more. Because they will have seen both sides of things. If I is not in the picture they will always idolize him. Now they will get to know his faults. I hope this will help you to relax and enjoy a walk or a lunch date. Or a long hot bath.

I can absolutely relate to what you are going thruough. I left my husband when my daughter was 19 months -(almost 8 months ago). At the time we left, he had never fed her a meal, given her a bath, given her a bottle, medicine etc. We were together, but he worked, drank and played some sports. He was never there for us. I had to teach him how to feed her meals to make sure she was getting enough. I was and in all respects am still the main caretaker of my daughter. We have a very strong bond and I will work very hard to keep that bond.

Anyway, he also has joint custody and gets to see her a lot - not 50/50 but I had to fight that. Please know that it is all about money. The more overnights he has with his kids, the less he has to pay with child support. It is truly sad and the kids are the victims. In a lot of cases, the novelty will wear off. It is also a way that he can hurt you because I am sure he knows that it hurts you when he has the kids. Don't give him that satisfaction. Act as though you are busy and have plans when he has the kids.

In the beginning, it was very hard for me. I cried and cried and spent a lot of time with my sister and my mom. I am a little better now. I go to the gym, walk around the mall, clean house, watch videos, go to the gym again (ha ha). It took every ounce of effort to stay busy but that is what you have to do. I also would go to Borders or Barnes and Noble and get a cup of coffee and read a book/magazine. These are all litte things but they do help.

When you get the kids back, just enjoy each moment with them. Be the best parent/role model you can be. Don't give in to them and give them everything they want just because of the situation. Discipline and structure in a child's life is a blessing for that child's future.

I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how you are doing. Maybe we can get together for coffee sometime.

My advice is similar to the 1st two. If he earned shared custody, then things are not going to change for the better... in fact if he is in a stable relationship --- he could make things harder. Bad terms or not, be cordial --- and most of all do not let your children see you acting inappropriate.

Next, meet some folks. Start a home business and turn that time into money. Join a bigger church with a singles ministry or MOPS "Mothers of Preschool Children". Our old church in Colorado had a special group just for single moms with daycare provided. Small groups like mine then took turns watching the kids during their meetings. Remember part of your recovery is the power of association -- the better caliber people you find to associate with and read about, the helthier you will recover from a mess.

Kurt