My 5 yr old daughter has complaining to me that her stepmother is very mean to her. And lately shes been dreading to go over to her fathers house. Ive seen her stepmother make her cry, and Ive heard from my X's family that the stepmother is very hard on her and treats her mean. Example- My daughter came out of her room bawling her eyes out, and whenever her stepmother was asked why my daughter was crying. She replyed I got mad at her cause she didn't remember a bible verse for her Awanas bible school thing. (Her stepmother has her going to this.) I dont know, but I think getting mad at a 5yr old because she didnt remember a bible verse is a little over the top. I dont want my daughter to get a bad taste for the bible cause she's made to cry if she doesn't know it. I know I cant control what goes on at there house, but what do I say to my daughter when shes complaining to me? I try to keep everthing positive, but I feel like Im failing to not protect her and upset cause her father is suppose to but isnt. I did mention to her father what our daughter told me, not in a mean way, but just to let him know how our daughter is really feeling and maybe he can do something about it. Was that the wrong thing to do? Because he just flat out got mad and told me she was lying and that she seems fine. Im I stuck between a rock and a hard place? And what can I do to know that Im doing all I can to help my daughters distress?
I know its been awhile....Im final responding, because I just had enough. I took him to court, and got temp. custody untill we entered mediation. Well Mediation didnt turn out as I had planned, because he had every excuse why my childern were saying these thing about his wife, for instance, first they were playing get some kind of get a reaction out of me game. Another shes been to child eduacation and child raising classes and shes just applying what she learned and the kids dont like it. The mediator seem to side with him!!! It just feels sucky because she didn't know all of the past history on all her controlling, angry, possesive actions... Mediator also, seemed to be making excuses of why shes like that with my children. Like she sounds insecure, that she just doesnt seem to know how to handle the sistuation, dealing with him having a pretty x( She actually said that....) She not an unattracive person herself, and me having a to have a realtionship with him. I think thats pretty obvious and normal for a stepmother to feel, BUT ....Does that give her excuse to continue to treat my kids badly though????...I said look I dont trust her by herself with my kids. I dont want her alone with them for long periods of time without him being present. Well... I got my wish. Which was like the best thing that could have happend with the way the whole thing went. We are ordered to go to couples counceling, for six months. Im hoping it will change things for the better. That way I can feel comfortable with her being around my kids....This is the hardest thing Ive ever had to do...God is going to do whats right and good for the sake of everyone. I will continue to pray for my children, her, him , and me, so we could all just get along and find a good healthy happy ground. I just hope she goes to these meetings with an open mind, and really takes it seriously. Thanks for all the advice!
Document everything. FInd out who sees what and write it down.
Go to you lawyer and get full control so she doesn't have to go
ever to the step. or
Dad.
My boys went through something similar when they were 4 and 5 years so when they told me she was mean and did not want to go with their father I did not make them I told their father they didn’t want to go over. The boys told their father why and I didn’t let it go in to an argument. Now my boys are 26 and 27 years old and when we talk about it they say thank you for taking care of us.
Best of luck to you.
Um you've got family saying she's a bit*h to your daughter. You've got your daughter crying to you about it. Screw what the ex says, you need to sit down and have a talk with this woman, you don't need ex husband there just let her know this is what you're hearing, this is what she's feeling and if it doesn't change then she won't want to visit and you won't make her. If you don't make her go and they try to enforce it through the courts then just explain what was happening and say you'd love for your daughter to go but she's being bullied when she does.. I bet it won't get that far. Good luck.
The problem isn't Bible school, but your daughter's step-mom taking a very heavy handed approach in parenting your daughter. I'm curious why you're so very timid about this and hesitant to stand up for your daughter and take the position of being The Mother with the Very Loud Voice when it comes to how this woman is treating your daughter. You've even witnessed her being mean so she clearly doesn't care if you know or if you see it. She's mean in front of family. Your ex won't even consider that his wife is behaving inappropriately and went straight to accusing his own child of lying.
A father should do whatever he can to make sure his daughter is happy and you would think that he wouldn't automatically assume she's lying. So it's time for you to stop accommodating them and start accommodating your daughter. She's TELLING you she's being treated poorly and you can see it in her mood and what she's saying. Take it to your lawyer. Document EVERYTHING your daughter says. Document what the relatives say. Document what you witness. Document your ex's responses to everything.
I wonder if that woman even wants your daughter to be there at all. Her attitude seems to indicate that she dislikes your daughter and having to tolerate her.
Document everything.
Document when the ex's family says stepmom is mean.
Talk to your lawyer, maybe if your daughter is willing and the lawyer is kid friendly she can talk to him too.
Keep your focus on facts, the child was in tears because she didn't know her Bible verse, that is exteme. I would push for ex and SM to have supervised visitations.
**Adding this: You are LUCKY, your Ex In-Laws are telling you this. Otherwise, you would NOT know, the Step-Mom is abusing your daughter. As it is, not even your Ex is telling you anything.
YOU had to tell him. But he should KNOW this, after all HE lives in that house too and probably SEES his Wife doing this with his own eyes.
He does not, defend his Daughter.
-------------------------------
EVERYONE says the Step-Mom is downright MEAN to your daughter.
It is so.
The woman is a Witch.
She will damage your daughter, in many ways.
Know that.
You need to look out for your daughter.
You NEED, to be the Mom. Don't let the Step-Mom control things.
She already, seems to control the entire household.... and her Husband/your Ex.
What a Witch.
Be aggressive and smart.
As the other women below said.
You stand UP, for your daughter.
The woman, is abusive.
DOCUMENT everything, for your sake.
Don't have to tell your Ex or the Step-Mom.
I hope you have a good Attorney.
AND.... your Ex does not care.
If he REALLY cared about his Daughter's well-being... he would NOT allow his witch Wife, to do this to HIS daughter.
Don't expect, your Ex to be a shining Knight who will protect your daughter. He isn't.
He isn't.
Your daughter is only a child.
She cannot defend herself... and especially in a home (your Ex's), that is abusive.
Do NOT let your daughter.... to get damaged. And abused further.
Don't 'trust' your Ex to do anything about it.
He WILL... protect his current Wife. Not your daughter.
Um, stepmom has NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER parenting YOUR child in the matter of religion. That's YOUR and your exs job.
I am unsure of what you should do, but I gotta tell you, if this happened to my child, I would not tolerate it.
:(
I can see you do not want to start something but I think you might need to. Why do you let the step mom teach her anytime of religion. I do not think thats her place. How often does she go over there? When you got divorced did you go through the courts? If so you can talk to an ad litum for some advice? I would take your daughter to a counsler and let the counsler talk to her and then talk to you. She is an outside person and will have better prespective.
Everyone gave you pretty good advice.
The problem with your husband is that he's going to kow tow to the the strongest player, the one who affects him the most - and that's the new wife. If she yells at him, pushes back on him, he'll back down and side with her. Pretty sad and pretty typical with weak minded people, especially husbands and wife's on their second marriage, desperate to hang on to the new spouse. Like others have said, the new stepmom or stepdad sometimes does this to the spouse and the spouse sides with them and children are left in the dust. It's pathetic.
You need to push back for your daughter's sake. No way in heck should this woman be in control of her religious education. I would not stand for it either.
By not standing up for her, you are letting other people hurt her.
I think it's OK at this point to be the bigger bully (for lack of a better word).
There is a story... Carole Lombard was married to Clarke Gable. They were movie stars. Madly in love. She was gorgeous, classy and very witty. Some woman was on the set, flirting with Clarke. I can't remember the story. She got wind of it and storms on the set and screams, something very aggressive, direct and to the point: "Get this B*%tch off the set!"
Wow... would I have the nerve to do that? No, but sometimes it needs to get done. She was the bigger "bully" at the moment and accomplished her goal. Frankly, it was the right thing to do.
But sometimes, you want to be nice (because you can't imagine other people are not nice) and you want to avoid conflict. The problem is, not everyone is as nice and considerate as you are. In this case, there is a Giant Jerk Being Mean to Your Kid. So now, it's time to draw a line in the sand with this woman, draw a boundary and let her know in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS this will not be tolerated. (And if it means you need to make a loud, ugly, verbal CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW statement in front of the entire family, then so be it.) If it's gotten so bad that this woman has no problems being mean to your child in front of everyone, then she needs a hard slap on the hand. It may only have to be a few times before it gets through to her thick skull that if she is mean to your daughter, she'll have to Deal With You. Let her start being afraid of that.
Your daughter also needs to feel your strength and protection. She has to learn from you that she can be strong, because you can model it for her. You will model that mean bullies don't win all the time. You will model someone standing up for the little guy. It will be a powerful message.
In this instance, you need to push back and push back HARD. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE what is going on.
You can do it.
Hi Im a mom myself of 2 girls around your daughters age, You really have to stand up for your little one her Stepmother has No right in mistreating her, talk to your x and this time be more firm on telling him what's going on and make sure 2 tell him that your little one is not lying besides that your noticing her constant stress because of the way she feels! A little girls brain hasn't matured enough to lie on the way they feel (tell him that) the way she feels is the she feels! So you can either sit down with your x and his wife and agree on the way to treat her explain to the stepmom what works with (like yelling doesn't) tell them better ways to get through to her Or you can just tell him but if you get a negative attitude from
him well you have to see if going through court limits the time your
daughter has to be there or not go there at all this would be best record her stress with a camcorder or your phone when she tells you
Remember there is never a wrong in standing up for her she depends and counts on you! She comes first, so don't care if your X or his wife get mad
let them know that you are on top of their game and will not tolerate being bullied Don't let them manipulate you! Remember your baby's well-being
come first, second & last!!!!!! Hope this helps oh yes one more thing pray for strength,wisdom & angels over your daughter! The Lord be with you!
you might have to get a social worker involved. its your job to protect your child. your x seems clueless and not going to do the job so its on you.
sorry and good luck
Are any of the family members who have reported the behavior to you someone your ex and the stepmom would listen to? Would they be willing to step up and suggest counseling?
Listen to your daughter, she is 5 and really needs you right now and needs someone on her side and doesn't know how to properly express the real things going on, she's probably really scared.
You DO have a saw in what goes on in that house when it comes to your own child. You cannot tell the stepmother how to run her home but you can tell her how to treat your daughter and if you do not agree with her going to AWANA and your daughter doesn't like it then guess what? She doesn't have to go and memorize Bible verses! You're right! You do NOT want her turned off in the Bible because of an overbearing woman who thinks she knows how to raise someone else's daughter. You must speak up. Keep it positive with your daughter but be firm with your ex AND his wife! You have expectations and they should be met. You're not being unreasonable by telling them how to treat YOUR daughter. You and your ex are suppose to be raising your child together. The stepmother is to follow your instructions, period. If your husband is actually calling your daughter a liar then maybe you need to remind him of what you've seen yourself and let him know what his own family is saying about how the stepmother is treated. It's ridiculous. The father should be making his time with her as pleasant as possible and the stepmother needs to stop playing mommy and setting rules for YOUR child. Tell her flat out. NO, you will NOT punish my daughter in such a manner because she did not memorize a Bible verse. If it continues she will no longer attend and YOU will be the one focusing on her religious learning, period. It's suppose to be positive and uplifting. I wonder what else is going on over there and if that stepmother is jealous. Does she have children of her own and does she really know what she's doing?
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
Talk with the step-mom and try to figure out what is going on. You'll be able to see exactly what's going on from getting both sides of the story. Even if she says that she doesn't yell at your daughter and is very nice to her, just confronting her and staying on top of things will let the step-mom know that you're going to follow through and stay proactive even if her husband's a wimp. Keep on top of things and keep asking and checking and I think she'll think twice before mistreating your daughter. Some people are kind of like kids. They'll push the boundaries to see what they'll get away with. Don't let her get away with mistreating your daughter. If she wants your daughter to memorize bible verses then the step-mom would appreciate the verse that says not to provoke your children to anger. She needs to be loving and kind to your daughter, patient and encouraging!! I wish you the best!!
Hi there-
I have not read any responses yet, but have you tried to sit down and talk to your EX with your daughter, so she can explain to her dad how she feels. It would break my heart if my son told me something like this. And if you are not attacking your EX but show your daughter that both you have her best interest at heart. Having open communication with your EX im sure is hard, but worth it for the kids sake. Good Luck!
Keep in mind that each person's perceptions color their view of events. Things are undoubtedly not as bad as your daughter thinks they are, or as rosy as her dad thinks they are, but somewhere inbetween.
Explain to the stepmom directly that your daughter is sensitive and has been getting her feelings hurt. See if she'll help with the memorization instead of criticising, for example. Explain to your daughter that everyone does things differently, and that her stepmom is doing what she thinks is best, and that even if it's hard, Stepmom's feelings count, too. Then, stand back and, as much as possible, let them work it out themselves. It's not your job to fix everything, even though that's your natural instinct.
If you model mature, accepting and nurturing behavior, that's undoubtedly the kind of adult your daughter will grow up to be. Just love her a ton and do your best!
As a mother, you need to protect your children. Refuse to send your daughter to that house until you have a sit down with your daughter and her father to discuss how she is feeling and to make a plan that all three of you feel comfortable with. Your daughther needs to know that she is able to trust you with her problems and that you will be there to help her through it. Please don't ignore it and please don't give in to the "stepmother"'s antics. She feels threathened by you. Ignore her and don't give her any power. In the end, your ex will see her true colors. In fact, I can bet that he already does but is too proud to acknowledge it.
If you haven't already, keep a journal of the date, time and circumstances. If you ever have to go to court, you have written proof.
Good luck!
Don't make her go back over there, if it's a court order visit, get it changed. Make her cry over a Bible verse, I'm a Christian and that is messed up and awana is not even Biblical. Protect your daughter this is one of the reasons I hate divorce and remarring because the kids always suffer because of it. J.
Lots of great advice. Sounds like you need to document, videotape your daughter saying what is wrong, sit down with ex and daughter together to discuss, and if that gets nowhere, continue to document everything you witness and you hear about and from who and when, while the other hand dials your lawyer! The new wife sounds a bit difficult, I am not sure it would be comfortable or a good idea to confront her directly unless you know you have witnesses who are willing to go to court with you to summarize any anger she shows towards you. Good luck, fight for your girl, and God Bless both of you!
