Let me start off by saying I am 32 years old. I have been married 12 years. I have 3 children. I have not lived at home in 12 years. As a matter of fact, I have not even lived in the same town as my parents for 12 years.... at the time I live 15 hours away from them.
Well, some things that bug me about my mom...... and don't get me wrong! I love her to death! And let me give you a little background info..... my mom has always been one you have to tip toe around her feelings. If you say one thing wrong, she will go into a crying fit and won't talk to anyone for hours!! Therefore, we all say only nice things to her or she will get greatly offended.
They are due for a visit in June. One thing she bugs me about, my house better be clean before she gets here because she don't mind cooking but she won't clean my house..... Hello?! I don't invite people to my house to cook nor clean up. I don't know what she was thinking with that one. Also we are getting a small inside dog. She HATES dogs. When I say hate, I mean she will go run screaming from them if they as much looked at her wrong. She knows we are getting a dog and she is already having anxiety over it. She has asked me time and time again to wait until she leaves to get a dog.
And what she doesn't know is we already adopted a small "wiener" dog. If she knew that, she would have an all out cow. And that is why I haven't told her.
Not only does she try to run my life, she runs my sisters life as well. My sister is older than me and married. My mom thought it was time for my sister to get a haircut and made her an appointment without my sister's consent.
My mom has also joined Facebook. She makes comments to other people in our family. They really come out as rude but she is thinking she is being funny and joking. One of our family members has deleted her from their profile because of it and she still can't stop talking about it.
Anyway, my mom has always been my best friend. She is 61. And it is not to say she has always tried to run my life. Just recently within the past year she has gotten this way. Like she thinks she has a say in everything I do.
I love her so much. I don't want to say anything to hurt her feelings, but this has got to stop. I am a grown woman and I feel I should be able to live my life how I want it without her having to put her feelings in to it.
Please know when you comment that I love her soooo much! She is one of my best friends and has always been. I am not trying to disrespect her in the least. I just wish she would realize she can't run my life.
I just need advice. Whatever you want to give =)
Thanks.
Thanks for all the good advice. Some of you were extremely nice, others a bit harsh. I did tell her about the dog. She didn't say anything about it, just changed the subject. So I am glad I got that out of the way. She is not mad at me or anything. I did tell her I would keep the dog either mostly outside or in his crate for night time because I wanted her visit to be a good one. We do have two other pets that she knows about already. A rabbit and a cat. She is cool with those, just not dogs.
I am glad that I am not alone in all this... but hate anyone else has to go through this. I do realize she is my mother and I love her alot. We don't have any other issues other than the ones mentioned. And yes, she has always been this way... it just seems to be worse in the past year.
Thanks again.
I can't help but laugh, but really, she is 61...you are not going to change a thing. You already know you have to watch what you say for the sake of her feelings. I have a sister like this and I lover her too, I just make all my comments when I walk out the door.
Oh, high maintenance mothers! Do they come in any other model? Not mine! I will be one too!
OK, you want advice, here's some random advice to hopefully make you crack a smile:
Before she arrives, start showering her with little gifts that foreshadow the presence of Doggie. There's TONS of weiner dog paraphernalia on the web. Spend a little money on silliness with a purpose. A weiner dog necklace, a stuffed animal, t-shirts that say "She that sleeps with weiners..." There is a universe of humor to be reveled in out there and even if she is not laughing you will be!
(Enjoy that puppy, they like to burrow in your bed and they are unbelievable food thieves -- I have vivid memories of my sister's dachshund escaping with an entire log of goat cheese...)
Make sure that you have a large sheet cake to celebrate her arrival, then, lay down the law.
Get some football flags and when she offers an unsolicited and perhaps an unwelcome opinion, throw them! To be fair, get her a supply too. This is war.
When she arrives, be sure you have a haircut appointment lined up for her too.
Good luck and try to laugh about it,
K.
Dear Stephanie B,
I know how you feel. It can be that way with moms sometimes, and my mom definitely liked to have a say in my life, and in my sisters' lives as well. It used to annoy me so much, and I couldn't understand why she wanted to control my life. I thought she should just focus on her own life.
The thing is, my mom died suddenly at the beginning of this year (she was in her early 60s). And every little thing that annoyed me about her just seemed to disappear. Maybe sometimes she did things that made me feel hurt or sad when she was alive, but now that she is gone, I miss her so much, and I wish now that I could tell her all the things I truly appreciate that she taught me.
My only advice would to be appreciate the time you do have with your mom, and be happy that you're not living in the same house, so you do have your freedom most of the time. But I am sure your mom means well, regardless of how things come out. Getting older is tough, I can see that, and it's hard to change your behavior when you're older. You don't have to like everything your mom does, but you can learn to let go and forgive a bit, because it really means nothing in the end.
Love is the only thing that stays.
Best,
Nessa
You can actually tell your mom quite a lot if you (1) can let her know you appreciate and respect her opinions, and (2) keep your comments about YOU and YOUR needs.
An example might be, "Mom, I've been hesitant to tell you this, but we had already adopted a dog before you planned this visit. I know this is a problem for you, and I am sorry that will make your visit more complicated for us all. The dog is already part of the family. We will keep him in the yard or a separate room while you are here. Let me know if you have any other ideas that will make his reality easier for you, and we'll see what we can do."
During another conversation, make a non-judgemental observation: "Mom, I wonder if you realize that you speak in terms of cooking and cleaning my house during your visit? I find this puzzling, because that's not why I want you to visit. I hope you'll be able to just kick back and enjoy yourself while you're here. If you'd enjoy helping me put a meal or two together, I'd welcome your help, of course. Let's talk about it, okay?
There is a wonderful process called Non Violent Communication that incorporates techniques like these. If you'd like more information, google that term. My husb and I use this approach with each other and in other situations when conflicts arise, and it's really helpful.
My mom was very very similar, and she is pretty hormonal already and a widow.
After several years of her breakdowns, I had to have a big sit down talk with her. It was hard, and she hated me for a while, but our relationship, as well as her relationship with others has improved greatly as she discovered how to calm herself a little and she realized how much we really do love her.
I basically just started off by telling her how much I love her, and that I have some concerns. I told her she probably is well meaning, but her extreme behavior pushes people away, instead of draw them to her like she wants. I told her that if she could simply respect us and not get her feelings hurt all the time and try to lay guilt trips on us over everything, that it makes us not want her around.
I point blank asked her, "would you rather us invite you out because we love you and want to spend time with you, or because you guilt us and we will dread your behavior and not have fun?"
She understood and we have worked really hard and are great friends again. Just be sure to enforce how much you love her, and want her to be happy, but she needs to make some effort as well.
Also, remember to pick your battles. ''Professional victims" can't distinguish between a stupid little off remark or a huge issue, so save your energy for those issues and ignore the annoying little stuff.
As for the dog, I would maybe ask a friend to house sit for her stay. Not worth the trouble, but don't hide the dog. Let her know you have one, but it will be taken care of, and sincerely mean it, otherwise she will take it as if she made you do some huge burden and that will not go over well. She may greatly appreciate your sensitivity to her anxiety.
It sounds like she needs a hobby, so she can live her own life! My mom and I never had a good relationship until a therapist told her she needed to stop trying to help me live my life and go get her own (in different words obviously). Once my mom started going to yoga a few times a week and started going out with her friends again it has been better (not perfect). Maybe when your mom is visiting you, you can do things she loves and suggest she keeps them up when she goes home. As moms (and I'm sure you feel this way too in some respect) we live our lives for our children, and when they don't "need" us anymore we don't know what to do with ourselves. Help her "get a life" and maybe she won't need to help you live yours.
SMof1 gave you a great response.
Another thing I would do is to just ignore those comments she makes and focus on her good parts. She will see that her comments have no effect on you and stop doing it (or at least reduce them). She is acting like a child having a tantrum. Ignore the comments and you'll see. What can she do about it anyway, cry? You are a grown independent woman. Although you still would love your Mom's approval, there's nothing she can do to stop you from having your own life.
I used to get so hurt when my Mom made comments like that. Whenever she would say something, I would (nicely) change the subject as if I didn't hear her. It has worked wonders for us.
i re-read your post twice, and i can't find the part in which it explains how does she run your life?
dog...i have to say i am fearful of dogs. my whole body tightens when i am around dogs. small, big, cute, mean, large, tiny, you name it i cringe. i am deathly afraid of them. i can't change it. when i know someone has a dog, and we're due for a visit, i always let them know how i feel about dogs, and that i am ready to cancel the visit if something cannot be done. people who care about me, put the dogs in crates, or away from my sight while i am visiting. it is a chore and annoyance for dog owners, especially dog lovers, because they cannot relate to me. it is just how i feel, that cannot be changed. so you need to tell her you got a dog, and immediately follow-up with "we will keep the dog away from you while you're visiting.' you don't want to have her cancel her visit because you didn't wait to get a dog until she was gone.
moms will always have a say in everything we do. we were under their care from birth to whenever, 12 years ago, for you. it's in her blood to 'redirect' you. annoying? yes. expected? why, yes.
i liked the poster who said once they're gone we will wish for more time with them. once they're gone, the things that drove us crazy, will seem so insignificant. i say enjoy her visit. make it comfortable for her. she lives 15 hrs away, so she's not coming every week, or every other week.
good luck
You have already gotten some great advice on how to deal with your Mom. I must tell you that some of the things you wrote about have brought me back to "issues" that I had to deal with, with my own Mother. She used to drive me CRAZY...but, can I tell you that now that I am 61 years old, I see some of the very same things creeping into MY daily life?? lol.
But seriously, I zeroed in on the fact that you said that she jus started exhibiting some of these behaviors in the past year. I would be concerned that maybe something has changed physically or emotionally that could be effecting her. It could be any number of things, talk to your pharmacist or physician about what it could be...and be armed with some information to possibly have a talk with her about the need for a thorough physical.
Good luck to you...rely on your husband and children to help you retain your sanity during her visit and just remember that you love her!!!
.
Wow. I agree with the other mom in helping your mom find a stimulating hobby etc. I don't have ANY real advice to give but hang in there. Good Luck with the visit in June and remind yuorself that it's only a visit, she's not moving in and she's the only mom you got :)
Pammy
I'm not sure of the timeline, cause you say she's always been like this, but then you say "in the past year". If it's a sudden recent development, it may be medical/hormonal. If it's just driving you crazy MORE in the past year, than that's different. It's you who wants something different from the relationship and you'll have to make it happen. She's your mother, but she's also just another person in your life. My relationship with my dad changed when I decided to think of him as a peer who just happened to be my father. I didn't take what he said as personally (he's from an older generation where they're more gruff than worked for me). I was able to rebuild. You may need to do something similar with your mom. I haven't read the book "Boundaries" but it sounds like it might be helpful. Tiptoeing around her doesn't help anyone, even her.
Good luck!
okay a couple things...first when i started reading (before you started talking about how she's your best friend) i thought, "this lady is psycho, she insists everyone walk on eggshells around her but she can say anything she wants?" i'm sorry i know you love her but she sounds like an incredibly selfish and difficult person to deal with. it amazes me how she got to 61 thinking the way she seems to. anyone else, and i would tell you you need to put your foot down and explain that this IS your life and you need to be respected. i guess if you guys have a really good relationship, then you ought to be able to say that to her. but at 32 you shouldn't be hiding and sneaking around hoping to keep things from her. like you said, you are an adult for pete's sake. just tell your mother, "mom i love you and i always will, you are my best friend - but this is the truth. we have a dog. i'm sorry. we don't revolve around your dramatics and our lives are just great. i need to you to respect that if you come to visit." it will be hard but it's either that or hide the dog and cater to her for her entire visit and hope to god no one upsets her. good luck!
It sounds like to me, that although you love her, she has to respect your house and your rules. I doubt if your husband is going to stand for her bossiness too long when she comes. If she does not like dogs or how clean your house is then she does not have to come, or she can stay in a hotel while she visits. Why has she gotten this way in the past year? Is she married? Is it just you and your sister? What is your sister's take on it?
B.
I don't have any advice for you but I will say it's hard to find a mom that provides that happy medium. I too love my mom dearly, but she is the exact opposite of yours. She is so standoffish and non-intrusive that you get the feeling she really doesn't care at all!! If I come to her and ask her opinion she will give it, although she always tempers it and is almost apologetic for everything she says, but she would NEVER ask about something she is concerned about or make an uninvited comment about something going on with the family or the house, etc. It took my husband forever to get used to this because he just assumed she didn't care.
My point is, definitely set boundaries where necessary and make sure she is not causing you undue problems, but always remember that it does come from love, even if it doesn't seem that way at the time. Take the good advice and the love, and let the rest go by. :-)
Good luck,
K.
God. I sympathize.
Realistically, she won't change. I know thats not the nicest reality.. but she won't. Could you maybe kennel your dog while she visits? If the dog isn't nuetered you could get that done while she's here.
If you really want to try to talk to her, you could sit down with her - privately, not with your husband or anything that may humilate her - and tell her you love her. That you will always need her.. but you don't need her to tell you how to live your life. Give her examples where she pushed in on issues that weren't really her business, or appreciated. Maybe point out how she might feel if you commented like that about her life. You could try if you feel like you must say something.
Below you will see two of your paragraphs that say what you have to say perfectly and in a nut shell. My advice to you is just prepare yourself for the defense mechanisms(/tactics) that will be at work and re-redirect the conversation back to this (you can do this and still preserve your relationship, but it takes effort to not fall into your previous pattern of compliance to avoid hurting her feelings) Best of luck:
I love her so much. I don't want to say anything to hurt her feelings, but this has got to stop. I am a grown woman and I feel I should be able to live my life how I want it without her having to put her feelings in to it.
.....I love her soooo much! She is one of my best friends and has always been. I am not trying to disrespect her in the least. I just wish she would realize she can't run my life.
Stephanie,
I can totally relate to what you are saying. My mother is the same way with my sister and I. (And well I am going to be 47 in May). One day she was really going on about something(do not recall), but I just looked at her and said" Mom did I do or say something to offend you and hurt you?, Because I really want to know so I can apologize and we can work it out." Well, let's just say she did not have much to say after that. But she still tries to tell my husband and I what to do not do with our money. But I just tell her it is our decision and this is what we feel we must do. Hang in there, sounds like you have had a good relationship with your mom. I am sure it will be alright. It is your home and if you decide to have a pet that is your choice. She knows that the door to your home is open to her and that with or without pets she can come as long as she respects your families decision. Hang in there and my best to you., God bless you!!
Stephanie, girl, I got bad news for ya....I am 39 and my Mom is 70. IT IS THE SAME WAY!!!! The only thing different in our stories is that my older sister is NOT married, nor does she let my Mom do this to her.
We are about to buy a house....she has given her two cents on that one. I talked about getting a dog when we move, however, she doesnt hate them, she just sees them as "a waste of time and money".
MY Mom joined E-harmony. BLAH!!!! She has got to have one of the most annoyong boyfriends on the face of the earth.
She decided to take all of us on a cruise. I dont want to go on a cruise. She actually said, and I quote, "OH, YES YOU ARE!!!"
So, what I am saying, Stephanie, I feel your pain!!!!
Mom's....cant live with 'em....cant live without "em!!!!!
P.S. I love my Mom too. She is in an absolute state that I CANNOT run my life without her. I think she is really tring to help. Perhaps its depressing to her that her youngest child is almost 40!?! Do what I do....say yes mam, and get on with your life!!! :)
I am afraid I can't help with much of it but why not kennel the dog until she leaves. My MIL hates cats. Really hates cats, and I put them in the kennel for the time that she visits which isn't very often. I have three cats and I have put kittens in the kennel, animals get over it.
For the rest of your issues, she lives 15 hours away. You can listen to her and do your own thing. My mom tends to call at night but not remember what she said the next day. She too lives very far away adn I just let it run off my back, as my cousin says "water off a duck's back" Just let it go.
Google the book Boundaries, & try to read it before she comes. It has helped me tremendously. Once you start setting boundaries with her, she will probably not like it in the beginning, but she will come around when she sees you won't put up with her nonsense.
Good luck & God Bless!
To the dog situation you may want to google passive aggressive. That is exactly what your behavior is. You buy a dog as you have every right to do. You know she hates dogs, you know she is coming to stay with you, you choose not to tell her. Exactly what do you think her reaction is going to be when she shows up and you have a dog? Oh sweetie, I always knew I was a bad person for trying to control you I am so glad you bought a dog to show me the error of my ways or do you think she is going to flip a nut like anyone else would do who hates dogs and is now expected to stay with one.
