What to Do About a 3 Yr Old That Says No to Everything?

I can't remember where I read this, but somewhere I read the advice to actually let their no mean something. Sometimes kids say no because it annoys you and it doesn't actually seem to mean anything when they say it anyway. So for example, if you say let's go to the bathroom and they say no, say ok. After a little while, ask again. When they really really have to go, they'll probably say yes. Eventually they learn to only say no when they really mean it.

With my girls and the little girl I watch I just told them when I told them to do something they were not allowed to tell me no. If I heard no from them, they were put in time-out. No discussions.

Hi M.-
My son went throught a similar phase- maybe instead of posing yes/no questions, ask him in a way that he cannot say "no". I think your sister looks hungry, what should we do? Where do those toys on the floor belong?
Hope that helps, good luck.
Andrea

I have a very stubborn four year old, and what works for us (well, me, anyway - she may not be so thrilled if you ask her) is making statements, not requests. "Time to go on the potty." Too bad. We're going anyway. "Put on your shirt." *whining* I didn't say you have to like it, just that you have to do it.

Bottom line: she can whine, complain, sulk, or try to run away...it doesn't matter. WE DO IT ANYWAY. I don't know if that will change your kid's saying "no", but at least he/she will know you're not malleable!

Tell him that you'll do it by yourself. Then make it fun. Sing a song and play a little. He'll follow you and want to be part of it. Then let him know what a big boy he is...hugs and kisses etc.

my girl is done with that phase - for the most part- but one thing i realized is that i needed to adjustmy phrasing.
i very much believe in giving kids choices and empowering them, but at the same time, while their voices are important, their vote is not equal to mine on some issues. Some things are not up to them, so i have worked on saying - it is time to brush you teeth. (instead of: do you want to brush you teeth now?)
it's a subtle thing but makes a difference i think. phrasing like a question feels like it makes something more inviting and appealing. but it introduces the option to say no and i've found that it works against me...i am still gentle, but firmer.
there is my 2cents - hope it helps & hope you survive the no-phase well!
om

I believe your 3 yr old will grow out of this and it will take time and right now pray and ask God to give you peace with it.

I would try my best to ignore it. I'm sure it's a phase and she will grow out of it. It sounds like she is trying to have some power over situations. The more attention you give her the more she will do it. I would try to just let it pass. Good luck!

A.
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What I try - emphasis on try- to do is give my kids a choice, even my 1 yr old. If we're getting dressed, do you want to put on your shirt first or your pants, etc. Obviously you have to make both choices workable choices- they can't put on their shoes first and then their socks...But I really think I notice a difference when I forget to give them a choice. My 6 year old especially will say things like why do I have to do what you want to do and then I have to remember what I just said and re-phrase it. You don't have to give them a choice about whether or not they are going to school, but you can let them choice the route to get there- give them a little of the control. good luck!

My son's not 3 yet, but I noticed that if you make it sound like it's their idea and their choice, the NOs lessen. Kind of like, "Come and be mama's special helper...let's feed your sister." or "It's time to use the bathroom. Big boys like (insert name) go without being told.
That's really the only advice I have. Beyond that, it's a phase that will pass.
Good luck.

Is it that she/he answers "no" to every question, or is it that she's just not cooperating. When my middle son was about that age, maybe 2, he didn't say yes. So if I asked him if he wanted more watermelon, he always said "no". So I started rephrasing and would ask, who wants more watermelon and then he would say "me". It was really cute AFTER I figured it out, but frustrating before. Not sure if this is what you're looking for, but thought I'd share. Good luck.

My son used to do the same thing. The simplest things (put on your coat) would end up in a NO! or even a tantrum. What I did was explain the reason before giving the request. "It's really cold outside so let's keep warm by putting on your coat" "Remember you got sick last time because you got germs inside you? Wash your hands before dinner so you don't get sick" For whatever reason, it often worked.

Also, I try for natural consequences as much as possible. (Once he didn't want to put on shoes on a cold day to walk home from the neighbor's. I let him start to walk home without them and he realized how cold and uncomfortable it was, and asked to put them on. Never an issue again.)

Finally, remember they outgrow it. Well, for the most part. :)

A great thing that a friend of mine does is really old school but works BEAUTIFULLY!!! If her children say no, as calmly as she alway does, she feeds them the answer she wants to hear. For example, she would say, "when mommy calls you, you need to say coming mommy" or "when I ask you to get your shoes on, you need to say I can do it." She simply tells them that this is part of being obedient and that's how it is. I must say I simply marvel at her in the 3 years that I have know her. She's big on the old school style of respect your parents, and she barely has to lift a finger to do it. The really cool part about it, her kids can be monsters at times and are very independent 4 and 2 year olds. In rare cases, she simply walks them to the bathroom, explains why they are in trouble, and gives them a tap on the butt, and then explains how they need to go out and do what they were asked to do. Good luck, I know having two of my own, it's not easy.

Offer choices... no more than two or three... when you are able to do so. (i.e. "You can do this OR you can do that? Pick one.) Also, make sure you are giving her advance warning when an activity changes, when you can. "WE are going to do this in ... 10 minutes. 5 minutes... that may help too.

If it's any consolation... my children didn't really go through "terrible two's" - they skipped that and went straight into the "really independent, challenging threes!"

Good luck.

My advice is to choose your battles, giving choices as often as possible, but to be firm on non-negotiables. For example, my almost 3 year old doesn't want to take time to sit on the potty. Once their, she will go, but it is a struggle to get her to do it. I stay firm when it is potty time (before nap and bed, before we leave the house, etc.) and tell her that she can cooperate or not, but she will sit on the potty even if I have to carry her and put her on it myself. Other times, I let her "win." Can you bring a diaper for your sister? "No!" Okay, I guess I'll have to get it myself. I'm hoping that this is a stage that we will get through, and meanwhile I only battle for the things that are most important to me.

Everything you want has two choices. "Are you going to hold my hand on the way to the bathroom or walk by yourself?" If you get a no, just say. Oh, it is time to go to the bathroom..."Do you want me to carry you to the bathroom or do you want to race?" Do you want this or this for dinner. no! Oh, well those are the choices. Do you have something else you would rather eat? no! okay then you can have what I pick. Children this age will not starve if there is food in front of them or you are willing to be flexible with time and when they really get hungry you let them eat your choice. My son is learning that if he doesn't pick one of the options, I pick and he if he doesn't pick in a timely manner, I pick. He would rather pick. I have used tough love with this. He would not get dressed. (He picked staying in his pjs when everyone else was getting ready to go.) I was calm and reminded him several times to get dressed. He said he was busy playing. I stayed calm. I gave him many chances. Then I took him in his pjs to his grandma's house, she was watching him. He was VERY upset, but I explained that he had the chance to get dressed and it was his choice not to and that is was time to leave. Next time when I ask him to get dressed and tell him we must leave he will get dressed. And we have NOT had a problem since!! Picking these teaching moments has to be something you are willing to live with too (I didn't care what he was in when he went to my mom's, but he did) and the choices you pick have to be something you can back up. For example: My daughter wouldn't get her coat on and we needed to leave. My husband told my daughter he was leaving and she could stay there. Well, of course she couldn't and he couldn't back it up. But she could make it to the warm car without a coat. Half way to the car she wants her coat. So we take her back and put it on. Now she puts on her coat before we leave the house. So it can sometimes seem like a lot of work and thought, but it is much better than a battle of wills and power. Good luck!!

My 20 months old started saying NO to what ever i say. She like to go to Petland so v were getting ready y'day and I asked her "DO u want to c dog? No Do u want to c Bird?No Do u want to c Bunny? No" Man I really got frustated at first but dint want to show it. So I just pretend like getting ready to go. Put on my coat, shoes and took the car key and said "Mama is going to c Bow Bow do u wana come?" She looked at me like "Why did i say No to all". She said "ha ha". Then I grabed her in my arms and said "you should say yes. Now tell me Do u wana c Bow bow? Yes" She said yes to all. Then I thought may be I should change my way of asking her. Good Luck.

One tip I got from a good friend recently was to phrase everything as a choice. Instead of opening yourself up for a "no" response, phrase the task as either this or that. For example, "you may go to the upstairs bathroom or the downstairs bathroom." Or: "Do you want to hold your sister while you feed her, or do you want me to hold her while you give her the bottle?" Each choice has to be something that you would be happy with. Good luck!

stop asking and just tell her. Instead of "let's feed your sister" say "It's time to feed your sister" or "I'm going to feed your sister".

This is what I do AFTER I've tried rephrasing, giving positive encouragement and choices and they don't work. (I always try the nice way first). I had tried to get my stepdaughter to take her bath and no matter what I did she still didn't want to do it. She'd even run away and hide and a huge battle would follow.

I usually acknowledge her feelings "Time to take your bath" "No!" "I understand you don't want to, but we need to take your bath now." If that still resulted in a "no" then I would break down what I needed her to do.

"Stand up. Thank you. Walk to the bathroom. Thank you. Take your clothes off. Thank you. Get into the bath. Thank you." If she didn't want to follow one of the instructions, I'd repeat it (with no emotion) until it was followed. Sometimes I'd "help" her. For example, if she didn't want to stand up, I'd lift her under her armpits and stand her up. If she bent her legs I'd just keep repeating the command and what I was doing (with no emotion) until she stood up. Eventually she'd do it.

The bath was the biggest battle. Once I got her taking baths (because she knew she was going to have to do it, and also would not get a rise out of me by refusing) everything else fell into line! So if you pick the biggest battle and get them to do it, then you win them all :)

Again, this was after all the positive things didn't work.

I give my son two choices. This gives him a say in what goes on, but my goals get met too.