What Should I Do? - Houston,TX

maybe start with not referring to his music as 'the devil's.'
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what do his father and mother say about it? how about his teachers?
khairete
S.

I want to know what the devil's music is. Maybe it's what I listen to, and I don't realize that it was made by the devil himself!

What's wrong with you??? He's in school all day and plays sports for hours after, do you not GET how much socializing is happening there? When my son told me he'd rather be home playing games all weekend than out at high school parties with idiots it was because those IDIOTS were all drinking and doing drugs and engaging in sex and you don't even want to know what else.
Let the kid relax how he wants to, the poor guy deserves it a break!
My son is now a senior in college, has a long time wonderful girlfriend and will be graduating this spring with a BS in Computer Science. He will be able to write code and program at almost any company, and on almost any platform.
So glad I didn't insist he leave his passion to go get wasted with a bunch of jocks :-(

A. He's your stepson. His dad is responsible for the serious rules.
B. Categorizing a musical style as "devil's music" is stereotyping.
C. Some singers scream very benign words in that style.
D. You can wish that he were different but forcing him won't help.
E. Why is long day in quotes? High school, practice and chores is long.
F. He's getting good grades, on a team, avoiding drugs. Be thankful.
G. Not all kids have a throng or horde of friends.
H. Sometimes it can seem, to a sensitive kid, that every kid is drinking.
I. Try to appreciate him. He's home. You know where he is. Be grateful.

Just my two cents. Or nine letters.

I know that at the end of the day, after I have been teaching at the high school of 4000 students all day, I too come home and sit on the computer. I go to places like Mamapedia or Facebook and just read. It calms me, I get something not important to calm me, as I let the day go.

I totally get him! He might need to help to get to bed earlier, but he many not. Teenage bodies have a different Ciracadian Rhythm, and so they aren't able to sleep as early as they need to given when they must get up. But, it would be nearly impossible to sleep. I think maybe doing more as a family, and making sure you are doing family dinners nightly, would help you. But, I don't see it being a huge concern. Not all kids have a lot of friends in high school, especially junior and senior year. I know that after my older friends graduated, I didn't really have any close ones until I went to college. I have always been friends with older people, and still am. That just may be his style. That's ok.

The phrase "the devil's music" makes me hope this is a troll. People don't really think and say that anymore, do they? Really?

Assuming this is real...put limits on his computer time and access. For a 15 year old, off by 11 PM should be more than enough time to get his homework done and socialize a bit online. On weekends, set up similarly reasonable times. We use the parental controls from Microsoft for our kids - even our teenagers - and it prohibits them from going to "adult" sites, playing "M" games, or being on before or after certain hours.

As far as his teammates go, he is probably right. If he's on the varsity team, most of the other players are juniors or seniors and kids that age party, a lot. Lacrosse especially has a culture of drinking and partying - the saying at my kids' school is that "the drinking team has a lacrosse problem" and that culture is a large part of why my son has chosen not to play, and why he's been relieved to be on the JV hockey team, which is mostly younger kids, because the varsity hockey team has a hard partying reputation as well.

My guess isn't that he's depressed, but that he feels that you disrespect his opinions, assume he doesn't know what he's talking about, and dismiss his music. He sounds like a good kid - put some limits on the computer so that he gets adequate sleep and then back off and respect that he's making his own path, and that path is fine. I would imagine that where you live, there's not a lot of room for kids who are into screamo and computers to feel socially accepted and that he's surrounded by country-loving jocks. He doesn't want to be part of that scene, so leave him be and assure him then when he goes to college, he'll be able to move to a place where there are more kids like him and he will be able to find his crowd.

Just relax, I was a nerdy type that didn't really like anyone in high school. In college, in life, I met a lot of people who I enjoy the company of. I have several, help me bury the body, friends.

My older two kids were very popular, my older daughter was student counsel president in high school, so the younger two be a bit more like mom caused a few freak outs so I get where you are coming from.

I think the words of my younger son really drove the point home for me, "but I am happy mom, shouldn't that count for something?" He is right, it would be different if depression was driving him to withdraw but it isn't. People just don't get him, he doesn't get people, he is happier at home where at least we speak the same language. If he said he wishes he had more friends I would be right there helping him figure out why that isn't happening. He has friends, they are like him. They talk at school and hibernate in the evening.

I guess I am saying if your son is getting what he thinks he needs then you should be okay with that even if it doesn't look like the kids next door.

Oh and for me I enjoy talking over a computer because I can get my thoughts out and then pick over time looking for things that may not be taken the way I intended. Much more comfortable.

This is a bewildering first question. Please define "the devil's music" since you used the word twice. Also please explain why his father (since he is the legal parent and you most likely are not) is incapable of shutting off the internet. Also please explain why there is rampant drug/alcohol use on his team, you're aware of it, and nothing has been reported to school authorities about teens at risk. The adults have to take control. Good parents don't back down because a teen gets furious. They parent.

I'm having a hard time believing that a kid who happily goes to practice really has an entire team full of addicts, or that he would get great grades, do community service and volunteer, but still have zero interaction with anyone at those locations. I'm sure there's more going on than you think. However, being up until 3 AM is not a great thing, and you do need to get control over a kid who, by your description, is running the show in your home.

There's nothing in your post that shows me there are responsible adults willing to be unpopular here. I don't know if the teen is depressed, but I certainly am after reading this. It really doesn't sound like something posted by a parent who has taken parenting classes or worked with a professional to rein in a wayward kid.

Good grades, plays sports, volunteers, does his chores, eats dinner with the family, stays out of trouble.

He probably has online friends in addition to his one older friend, and that is how he socializes. Your not liking his music isn't relevant.

I think you need to back off and let him be who he is, which sounds like a really great kid. Your stepson is doing just fine. He is not the problem.

I enjoy getting on my computer and relaxing too. It's 1am here and I've had a long long long day. I am on my computer and having a good time playing puzzles and reading mamapedia.

So even adults who have a long day like to relax.

If you're concerned about his interaction with others I'd say he interacts with his teammates and those he works with during the day. He might be an introvert and not need other people.

Your son actually sounds a lot like how I was in high school. Just substitute the word "books" for "computer". (There was no Internet when I was in high school.) I had little desire to spend time with kids I went to high school with. I had been burned by many of them. I was a good kid who didn't want to get in trouble. They had different priorities than I did and I didn't want to waste my time with them. I had found "my people" at a camp I attended every summer. My best friend lived 150 miles away. I would have loved to have had the technology then that we have now.

Looking back, I was maybe depressed. I know I felt really lonely. I really wasn't very social until I was in college. But I'm also an introvert. I don't like spending much time with people. After a day at work (and I work part time), I want to come home and just be alone. Having a husband and kids can even be draining for me at times. I need time by myself. Your son could be depressed. He could just be an introvert. He maybe just hasn't found "his people" yet.

Keep encouraging his volunteering. Maybe finding a group of older, service minded people would be his niche. He might be a lot more mature than his peers and being with older peers might help him to connect more. Maybe start looking into a part-time job or a volunteer position that has regular/consistent hours. I also think it is ok to limit his computer time and to be aware of what he is doing on the computer. It is pretty easy to get sucked into not so good things on the Internet.

I would not go back to high school for anything. They were horrible years. Try to be understanding and be there for him without being overbearing. Its really hard not to cross that line as a parent, isn't it?

I feel at 15 his screen time should still be limited. But in all honesty, other than that, he sounds like a great kid that doesn't need to be "fixed". So, he listens to music you don't like and is on the computer too much. You limit screen time and accept that your taste in music will never mesh.

The devils music?
I've often felt that way about heavy metal, punk and rap but it's just rock n roll and every generation seems to have to listen to SOMETHING that will drive their parents nuts.
(Ask my Mom about my Meatloaf period.)

At 15 - you're not in control of who he socializes with - he gets to pick his own friends.
It's also difficult to control his computer use - although during the school year you limit recreational use to a few hours if/when his school work and chores are completed (he has to earn his fun time - if he didn't earn it, he gets none).

Team sports aren't for everyone - and I totally believe that some of his team mates might drink and do drugs (steroids maybe too).
Taekwondo is good.
Maybe you could sign him up for a horse back riding class.
In a short while he'll be old enough to get a part time job.
The goal is to get him out side and stay active.
He's off to college in a few short years!

I wouldn't say he's depressed but some kids go through a rough time as they mature.
Keep him focused on his future.

Sounds like a great kid. He's out and about all day. Do some reading on introverted people and you'll see that he probably needs his downtime to re-charge. Aside from that, I'd suggest getting out with him more as a family on the weekends. Announce that you will be heading out for a small hike on Saturday, or bike ride or drive to a fun diner somewhere. Get him out in nature more. I would imagine some time away from a screen will do him some good and he can connect with family.

In my day we used to read books til all hours of the morning. Now it's something bad because he's on the computer. He sounds like he is a dream boy. Enjoy him!

Morning
I think you are right when you say he is addicted to the computer and when he says those other kids only do drugs and alcohol.. what he doesn't understand is that they have the drugs of choice and he has his: the computer....
I definitely think because computer use/phone and texting is so widely used in our society not just among our youth but also among adults that it's easier to toss out the notion that it's becoming or is an addiction, Often you hear, I need it for school, work.. I need to get back to these people. it's my way of relaxing... etc
I do think that spending that many hours on external things is way too much..
It's been my own personal experience in Alanon and OA (overeaters anonymous) that a 12 step is necessary..
check out this website..

http://www.olganon.org/home

it has a wealth of info and the site was started by a mom...
Before there can be recovery, a person has to admit they have a problem..
I would read through the site and see IF it fits the kind of help you are seeking for your son...
also, keep in mind that any addiction is a family problem..so while your son may be showing the signs of addiction..... where there are addicts, there are enablers and co-dependents.. bottomline... if the family is to get healthy, it needs to work together as a whole to become whole.. the healing journey your son may be taking will also need to be that the entire family takes as well...

I wish you all the best

The only thing that I would do is limit late night online stuff using your router. Other than that he's a typical kid.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

First off - you are the parent. Start parenting. Take his laptop away. YOU are the parent. He gets furious?? TOO BAD.

If he plays LAX? Then he should be building a raport with the team. I know it's a "tight" sport. So he's doing Fall Ball? Our high school doesn't have LAX in the Fall - only the Spring - and the Fall is all off-school teams. Our school is STRICT on players - no drugs. no alcohol. MUST maintain a 3.0 or better to play. If the kids are doing those things? I would NOT want my kids around them. So he's got the right idea.

Second? Talk to his counselor at school.

Then talk to your pediatrician. And ask for a recommendation to a family therapist and get into family counseling.

"devil's music" - is that what he calls it or what YOU call it?

Sounds like you need to garner a back bone and parent your child. Sounds like your family needs counseling so that you can effectively communicate with each other. He needs to learn how to communicate with his peers as well.

What does his FATHER and MOTHER say about these things? Are they concerned? Have you bothered to TRY and listen to his music? Have you TRIED to communicate with him WHY he likes the music?? Communication is key!

Good luck!!

Like with every other action in life? Moderation is the answer.
(I too feel this is a troll post.)
His PARENTS should set limits and guidelines.
A 15 year old should not have 24/7 access to a computer.

He sounds like a pretty good kid to me. He gets good grades. He plays sports. He volunteers. He likes cool, alternative music. (And there is nothing wrong with his music...just have him turn it down or use headphones if it really bugs you). He sounds like a smart kid. He sounds like he doesn't follow the crowd and thinks for himself. I didn't meet others who I really clicked with until college and grad school. Encourage him to apply to many colleges, to go visit them first, and to pick one that is away from home. If he gets into one that is a good fit for him (not a party school, but an academic one...maybe a small, private university) he will thrive and trust me, he will have lots of friends. Stop being so critical of him...accept him for who he is...he sounds awesome.

Have you tried listening to his music?
Have you tried to talk with him to find out WHAT he likes about the music?

I have a 16 year old. We had huge problems with him 2 years ago. To the point where police were involved. We got help. We didn't ignore the problem. We faced it.

This is your step son. He's making good decisions about WHO he hangs out with. Do you REALLY want him hanging out with people who do drugs, alcohol and have sex?

What does your husband and his biological mom think of this? Are they concerned? If they are, then the 3 of you need to work together to get him where you think he needs to be.

We don't allow TVs or computers in our son's rooms. We're pretty hard on bed times too.

From where I stand? He's making good decisions, he's staying away from people who do drugs. He's doing well in school. He has different taste in music than you. I know my taste in music was way different than my mom's.