What Should I Do? - Unionville,OH

Definitely say something. If you don't he doesn't know it's bothering you, and what's worse, it may get worse and bother you more and could come between you. I am in the opposite situation. My husband's sister has watched my daughter off and on for two years. The first time around neither of us said things we needed to say and it definitely came to be something we resented on both sides. We took a break and are much more open this time around. It is much better.

Give him a calendar and explain that you need him to fill it out at least two weeks ahead so you can plan for dr appts and other things. Explain to him that is the only way that it will work for you because you'd hate to tell him last minute that you can't watch him if you already had an appt for that day and he needs you to watch his son. Explain for bill paying (even if not true), you'd like to be paid on the same day (or days) each month and ask him to commit to that. I think it's easier to let the payments and schedule slide because you are family and he may be thinking of it as 'just helping out' but it sounds more like a job, in which you need the schedule and set pay days. Also tell him you are wanting to plan fun stuff with the kids but can't if you don't know when he'll be there.

I would say something now so that the irritation doesnt build and escalate causing you to really blow up on him. just tell him that you love watching your nephew and helping out, but that he needs to be courteous of you and YOUR life. you have a child, you're pregnant, and you're a person too! Tell him that you need to be on the same page with scheduling and getting paid so that you plan accordingly with your needs, as well as your childs. Maybe he could bring his child to your house? Either way, you should say something, he may not be taking advantage but it sounds that way. You have to speak up for yourself!

He may be taking advantage of you because you are family but he may also just be forgetful and the fact that you are family makes it even easier for him to be forgetful (the minute you forget to pay a daycare provider is the minute you will be called out on the carpet for it and possibly dropped). I know it's not a matter of you need the money or he's strapped for cash but it is an issue of reciprocity. When one person is benefitting more from an arrangement than the other, then an unhealthy dynamic is created and that's when resentment (your's) and, on the flip side, apathy and ingratitude (his) can fester. And, if you wait too long to adress this issue, he will be more defensive than he really should be because you have allowed him to to get away with this behavior and you had tacitly agreed to a different protocol other than what you had originally agreed upon.

I think that it would be best to assume that your brother and his wife had good intentions when the first approached you about babysitting and that their lack of follow up on the agreement is due to forgetfullness and not any ill intentions. Just be honest with him, letting him know that you are aware that he has a lot on his plate and has gotten caught up with his day-to-day grind but, you do need him to pay you consistently and provide you with a schedule each week so that you can know what to expect. And, from there on out, be like any other daycare provider and babysitter where, if you don't pay on time and don't provide advance notice of your schedule, then you've lost out on your opportunity for childcare.

I know it is tough talking to family members, especially about money issues, but be brave and be honest. If you make sure that you say what you have to say with a smile on your face and can find the balance between being direct and being kind in your delivery, your discussion will probably go over better and you'll get the results that you need.

Best of luck!

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First of all, I would think, if you are keeping his son, he would be bringing him to your house, especially being that you are expecting number two and it would be nice to be in the comfort of your own home, as well as for your son too! He most definitely is taking advantage of you. How would any of us feel if our boss did not pay us on our designated pay dates? You deserve to be treated fairly, especially by your brother. I am sure are underpaid as it is, and then you so kindly straighten up their home for them. And it isn't even about the money, as you said you really don't even need it, it is about your brother not keeping his word. I think you need to remind him of the agreement and I would add, you will no longer be driving to his house, but you will only do it at your home!

After reading some of the other posts, while your brother may be "forgetful" as a man, your sister-in-law should remember to pay you or remind your brother, being a "woman" and a "mother". If I have ever had any money to payback to my parent's, it is on the top of my list to pay when I get payed!

Yes I would say something sounds like they are taking advantage of you. Why do you go to there house? I would have them bring him yo your house. I would just tell him like you told us....It makes perfect sense.

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Sometimes it's hard with family and easy to take advantage. I think you do need to say something especially since you are pregnant and need to keep doctors appointments and I'm sure you will be more tired as your due date approaches.

I would keep track of the hours you are working, maybe keep an Excel spreadsheet or something or google documents has a lot of timesheets that you can just print out and use. Maybe print out an invoice if it becomes necessary. I would also have a calendar to give to him showing what days you have appointments or other things scheduled and ask him to fill in the days/times he needs you. I wouldn't, at this point, change any of your appointments around his schedule.

Can I ask why you are making a long drive to his house? Perhaps if he or his wife had to drop their son off with you it would make them more aware of the importance of having a set schedule. Also, I can't imagine making a long drive to watch one child when you are soon going to have 2 of your own.

Good luck and you may just have to lay it on the line and let him know that it's not working and if he doesn't shape up you will no longer be able to help out.

What would your reaction be if this weren't your brother, rather a whole other family that you were working with?

You have a work arrangement with them. It's your job to lay out your expectations and keep them honest, since your brother is not doing it. Otherwise, you are being taken advantage of, whether it's intentional or not. Keep track of your hours each day in a journal. Lay out when you expect to be paid, and ask for payment on time.
If you don't receive your schedule in advance, as promised, you should make it clear to your brother than you may have other commitments that make you unavailable. And then keep them. So if you have a doc's appiontment when it turns out that they need you, that's their problem, not yours.

You have to be formal about the arrangement, otherwise, situations like you're in right now arise every time.

You should be polite and sweet but firm. Let your brother know that because you are pregnant and have appointments you must have a firm schedule and you expect to get paid consistently. The beautiful thing is you are pregnant and can use that to extract yourself from this situation if things don't get to the way you want them to be. You really are overextending yourself and may need to consider changing this arrangement.

I completely agree with the other posters - if you were a professional nanny for this family, you would have quit already! They do sound like they are taking advantage of you, and you are suffering. They also sound very self-centered and not caring about you - making you clean their house, watch two kids and you're 6 months pregnant? Please do speak to them right away - if nothing else, you need to reduce your stress while you're pregnant. Put your own children's needs first - you need a schedule that doesn't interfere with your own son's needs, such as taking a nap. Hope it works out.

I would talk to him !!!!
Just tell him that you need to coordinate many things ,so you need to stick with a structured paydate and schedule.
Tell him you need to start planning out your weeks more because of your Dr. Apppointments, kid schedule, or whatever else.
I wouldn't blame him and say he is forgetting.... it just is easier to be nice about it.... rather than confrontational.
Frankly, I just think he does NOT realize that he's being disorganized about his arrangement with you....
I would not call it "taking advantage of you" exactly.... because I doubt he he knows he's being rude... I would help him by suggesting a calendar on his wall, where you can keep track of the schedule together.. so when he forgets to schedule into the future..... you can tell and remind him to fill out that future week or whatever....

Some people do wait to be told before they start doing what they know they should be doing.

I am a small (very small -- I'm the only full time employee) business owner (photographer) and I make relationships with my clients. I actually refuse to photograph anyone if I have not spent time just getting to know them and becoming friends. I think this makes for much much much better portraits. So it's great for that side but it does make money issues of non-payment very difficult. I provide a high-end service and it is an emotional buy. Often times people enter into the contract knowing it's going to be hard to swing. They know I'm the accountant and now we're friends.

But I've learned to be diplomatic but firm. I will write an e-mail and start with something positive and fun about our last get-together, keeping the tone up-beat. Then I'll say, "Oh by the way I noticed that you did not make your September payment, I am going to need that before the 15th. Unfortunately if any account is more than 30 days late it automatically goes to a collection agency. I figured you just overlooked this one so I just wanted to give you a heads-up. I'd hate for it to go into collections! If you need to renegotiate the terms or anything, just let me know and we can work something out. " and I finish the letter with an invitation to go have coffee.

The collections thing always works, but this is your brother.

I think you should spell it out for him in the most friendly terms possible. If he does not provide you with is schedule a month in advance then say "no" when your schedule conflicts with his, explaining that you had to make the appointment and did not have the schedule. Do it one time- and I know it is hard to say no in a situation like this but he has to take responsibliity for his responsibilities - and he'll shape up.

I would also say, "hey do you need to re-think how often you pay me? I know we said every week, but you've been more consistantly ...?" and he will realize that you have been waiting for it. Tell him that you just need to know when you're going to be paid and it has to be consisitant.

Just talk about it. You're clearly not angry, just need consistancy from him. He'll understand.

Since you stated that you don't need the money & you are 6 months pregnant, can you give him a one month notice that you will not be able to babysit anymore. Being 7 months pregnant will be stressful enough but to have to commute a long distance to watch another child is unecessary stress. Plus you are going to want to get your child back on naps because that will be your sanity for when the new baby is born. Good luck

I would at least talk to him about your schedule. Remind him that you will be having more OB appointments & you need to know your schedule in advance.

As for the paychecks, I would keep a calendar of the hours you work. On each day you keep your nephew, write the hours on the calendar for the day. Also write on the calendar when & how much he pays you. This way you can make sure he is paying you the correct amount. You'd also be able to see how long it has been since he's paid.

If two weeks go by & he hasn't paid, you might just gently remind him. He may not realize how long it's been. "Hey, don't forget, it's been two weeks since you last paid me, maybe you can have a check for me tomorrow?"

Yes you should, especially since it can ultimately effect your health and the health of your baby. If your supposed to be paid every two weeks you need to ask for payment before you leave and if they can't give you a schedule, schedule your appointment and then tell him your sorry that you can't be there but, because they did not give you proper notice you cannot be there as you had to schedule your appointment. People tend to take advantage of other family members.

Family or not, you are providing a service. You need to say something. don't let your brother or anyone else take advantage.

Allowing him to take advantage of you shows disrespect. DO NOT allow it to continue. You make your appointment and if he has to find another method of child care, it's HIS problem. Let them know IMMEDIATELY that this is what you're going to do. They should understand that. If you're doing something that causes you stress, ill feelings, etc., then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. You have enough to handle on your own.

HOWEVER, if you can work this out amicably, (and there is NO valid reason you shouldn't be able to) it shouldn't be a problem. Lack of communication is one of the biggest problems in relationships. If people would communicate and handle situations AS THEY ARISE, many issues would be avoided.

Start giving him bills or invoices of the hours you've put in. Make a statement at the bottom that if not paid w/ in three days of the invoice date or whatever, then a late fee of $XX or a certain percentage will be added.

If you allow people to take advantage of you, they will. This is NOT being mean. This shows that you stand up for what is right (integrity) and at the same time, you will be avoiding future confrontations, hard feelings, etc. If they want you to take care of their child, they also need to show you some respect in taking care of your child, as well as yourself.

If you're sacrificing nap time for your son, this is the LEAST they can do. They would be paying a house keeper, baby sitter or whatever, so why allow them to take advantage of you?

In the end, even though it MAY ruffle a few feathers initially, they WILL or SHOULD respect you for it if they are mature at all. Let them put themselves in YOUR shoes.

In the past I watched my nephew as a newbie till he was 6 months when I found out I was prego with #2 I couldn't take it anymore (he was always crying)then after yr had passed she had twins then I had baby #3 was asked again to watch them all 3 plus my 3 at her house 3x's a week for 6 hrs that was treadful.I did get paid nott as much as she would pay for a daycare but her house was too messy really messy but I didn't clean up after her if I were there and the kids made a mess yes then I would do that part.As for naps the kids were all cranky because of the difference in schedule 2 older boys that outgrew nap time.Twins that were full of energy my 3 yr old and baby couldn't sleep anywhere but their own beds.The schedule varied which I didn't like but so be it I agreed to watch them for a while then eventually after 6 months I was tired of going over there not getting what I needed to get done with my home and family I told her that I can nolonger watch her kids and that was that she didn't hate me for it she understood how time consuming it is and how hard it is 2 watch 6 kids under 1 roof and not being able to get things done.Take care of yourself & baby your 2 yr old needs his mama right now.

When it comes to family, it is easy to get casual. I would talk to him and just say something like, "We both seem to have gotten slack about this, but I need to get us back on track, as I need to start making more dr.s appointments for the baby." Maybe that way he won't be offended, if that is what you are worried about. How old is the nephew? Can he come to your house, so that your son can nap? You may also try getting a familiar travel bed for him? Just a thought.

This obviously seems to bother you enough to ask about it, and if it does, it is worth bringing it up.

Of course you should say something! AND keep track of your hours, remind him of the agreement to pay you every other week, and remember that the welfare of you child comes first...he should not be missing naps frequently. If you want to do their housework as a favor, that is kind of you...just remember to set limits for yourself, so that it is not too much for you physically.

I think you sholuld gently remind him that you need the schedule so you can make appointments, play dates for your son etc. I am an only child but I have 3 grown kids so I know how the sibling relationship can be. It sounds as if your brother may be taking you for granted, which is slightly different than taking advantageof you. I would not accuse him or anything, just remind him that if you were a "regular" hired nanny or babysitter he couldn't do that and it would be a nice curteous touch.
It is much better to do this now than letting it go and having the resentment fester and then having bad feelings about your brother.
Good luck.

Yes, absolutely tell him. He is your brother and communication is essential to this arrangement. They are taking advantage of you. Using family for child care is difficult if the lines are not drawn from the beginning. Tell him all the positives first and then let him know how not having a schedule makes scheduling time for naps and appointments difficult. Also you have to have a set payment schedule! You are expecting a child and need to be able to count on your income being paid on a timely basis. It sounds like have a lot to contribute to his family and I'm sure they don't want to lose you. Good Luck!

Dear KF,
As a home daycare provider, my advice is that you draw up a contract stating your expectations with your brother. I have children of friends and family but to make sure they know I mean business, we have a contract. Make sure you are paid your money for the week's service, up front and give them a receipt (they can use the payments as tax write-offs).

This should be a win-win for all parties, your time with your own child is being interrupted and you are expecting another, soon. I know you love your family, so let your brother know how you feel and if he doesn't respect yourr feelings you can still love him but excuse yourself from helping to care for his child. Love and firmness about fairness can keep ill feelings from tearing you apart.

Another suggestion that could benefit your child, take care of your nephew at your home. This helps your son to nap, you are taking care of your nephew and you can clean your own home.

I'm praying that all goes well with you and your family! God Bless

By saying nothing, you are essentially saying that it is okay to walk all over you and take advantage of you. Your hurt and anger will only grow. I think it is quite generous that you have agreed to pack up your 2 year-old and drive over to their house at 6 months pregnant and watch their child. Talk to your brother. Tell him that it is becoming tougher not knowing in advance when they will want you coming and you must have a schedule by a particular date each month so that you can plan doctor's appointments, summer outings with your own son, etc. Tell him now, so he is well aware, that if you receive his calendar after that date then he will be subject to you telling him that you are already busy on that day. And if you haven't received a calendar by that date, start scheduling things. I'll bet the first time there turns out to be a conflict, he will never be late again. Have a separate calendar that you use only for marking the days you watch his son then you will never forget what days you babysat.

As far as on time payment, I agree, discussing money with a family member is never easy, but pick 2 particular days each month (the 1st and 3rd friday or monday) and tell your brother you need paid by those days.

Yes he's taking advantage of you. I understand your feelings. Done that been there a number of times. I was watching a little girl and we had a contract which both parents signed and terminated my services with no 2 weeks notice. Same thing happened with my daughter in law's sister. I treated him like a grandson and she didn't even call me but texted me at 3:30 in the morning. Don't come I don't need you. Then when I called about the contract I was called money hungry and that I didn't even care about the little guy. He was sick and I only talked bout money. Well I didn't know he had gotten sick he was well when I left the day before. She didn't even want to give me gas money and it was a bother driving to their place from where I lived. Like them they were well paid. Terms of our agreement kept changing. I wanted cash at the end of my work week. I got a check which I had to hold for days. It was suppose to be for only 4 days off on Fridays. Then the off days rotated making it hard for my dr appointments. Then the place of sitting changed from my house to their's and the time of the day changed. It was suppose to be 7am to 3pm then went to 5am to noon but she never woke up at noon so I stayed until 3. She worked 3rd shift and he worked 1st. So I was there while she slept and he ran arround the appartment. I will never babysit again. Too much hurt. I fall in love with the kids but have issues with rude parents.

Updated

Yes he's taking advantage of you. I understand your feelings. Done that been there a number of times. I was watching a little girl and we had a contract which both parents signed and terminated my services with no 2 weeks notice. Same thing happened with my daughter in law's sister. I treated him like a grandson and she didn't even call me but texted me at 3:30 in the morning. Don't come I don't need you. Then when I called about the contract I was called money hungry and that I didn't even care about the little guy. He was sick and I only talked bout money. Well I didn't know he had gotten sick he was well when I left the day before. She didn't even want to give me gas money and it was a bother driving to their place from where I lived. Like them they were well paid. Terms of our agreement kept changing. I wanted cash at the end of my work week. I got a check which I had to hold for days. It was suppose to be for only 4 days off on Fridays. Then the off days rotated making it hard for my dr appointments. Then the place of sitting changed from my house to their's and the time of the day changed. It was suppose to be 7am to 3pm then went to 5am to noon but she never woke up at noon so I stayed until 3. She worked 3rd shift and he worked 1st. So I was there while she slept and he ran arround the appartment. I will never babysit again. Too much hurt. I fall in love with the kids but have issues with rude parents.