What Should I Do? - Savannah, GA

1st of all I would like to say Thank You for your service. I appreciate it. My heart goes out to you concerning this situation. Do you have any family members that could possibly "keep an eye out" on your lil' one, or are you close to the father's parents? Maybe if someone you trusted, a friend, or somebody that was close to your baby girl could offer to take her off his hands sometimes and give him a break then they could make sure that she is being properly cared for. I agree that a child's teeth should be brushed no matter the age. Did you notice any other things that he may 'not' be doing to care for her? I will be praying for you that you'll make the right decision. I don't know if you leaving the military is just a way he's trying to get you home. He also shouldn't use her against you. You are doing the best you can and Lord knows that's all you can do. Are you stationed somewhere that they couldn't move near you? I'm trying to think of things that would help you out. I hope I've helped some. God bless you!

I have to agree with the last poster. talk to JAG. thats what they are there for. Start with your chain of command I don't know your rank so I cant say who exactly to go to but your chain of command is there to help you. They might have the advice you need.

and on the cavity, its prob more a case of what she was being fed rather than brushing her teeth. but thats not the issue. if he was feeding her stuff that could give her cavities then thats not the right thing for a baby to be eating. and thats still not right.

I'm sorry that you are having these struggles, especially now while you are overseas. If you cannot talk to him and come to a reasonable solution that you can both agree upon, then it might be time to seek legal advice. There is nothing worse than when one parent chooses to use the child as a means to "get even" with the other as ultimately, the child is the one most hurt by this. If you would rather try and stay out of the legal system try mediation first. Mediators are skilled in trying to help both parties come to a solution that works for all involved. Good luck.

If I'm understanding this right, I'm really wondering what his real reason is for trying to persuade you to give up your military career. Play out in your head fully and completely ALL possible scenarios to both staying in the military and getting out (play out both your reasons then his reasons). Which one gives you a better feeling? Try to remain as objective and FAIR as possible when you're playing out the scenarios. Blame is small-minded and shouldn't be a factor.

The care that your daughter gets should be a top priority for you and you need to take care of that. You have help - JAG and legal services. Find out exactly what the requirements are for getting your daughter stationed with you if you think her health isn't being cared for. You'll need proof so you'll need to get that FIRST before any non-care issues are covered up quickly. Is there another family member she could stay with temporarily? Could someone take pictures of her teeth and overall appearance? Do not give your child's father a reason or excuse to claim that you are an unfit mother. Being a service member does NOT make you unfit and you should fight for yours and your daughter's rights to be together.

Be strong and proud and courageous in your personal battles. Remember, you can make an appointment with legal services to find out exactly what you CAN do. As a veteran myself, I am humbled that you are serving your country proudly. It fills my heart with pride because, as you will come to know, once you wear that uniform, no matter what your station in life, you are ALWAYS wearing that uniform. Wear it proudly in every aspect of your life. Show your daughter what her mother is made of.

Getting out of the military is certainly an option but not the only one. The military life can be a great environment to bring up your family but it's like everything else in this world, you have to be mature enough to recognize the good and bad of it and make a solid plan and follow through on the daily stuff. Lonely military wives can be extremely negative so I wouldn't hold much of their 'information' and 'advice' to heart. You decide for yourself. I think any military person who is serious about their family will be an example of leadership for the rest of the military families out there. And who knows, you just might meet another military member who is serious about taking care of a single mom and her little girl :)

Hello T..
I definitely do not want to hurt or upset you but my advice is to get out of the military if at all possible. God has given you this beautiful little girl and it is your responsibility to protect her. I'm sure things have not worked out how you hoped they would-ideally her father would be your teammate in protecting her even if the two of you are not married. If he is falling short on taking care of her then it is up to you to see that it's done. I'm sure you are very aware that parenting requires making hard sacrifices at times. I think she would be much happier if you had a 9-5 job and she was in day care during the day. Even if it paid less and the benefits weren't as good at least the two of you would be together and she would be taken care of. I truly hope that God will lead you in these decisions.
K. D

Her teeth need brushed...babies are even to have their mouths wiped out good mouth care even without teeth is necessary for gums also. Maybe he should have a trip to the doctors office with her so that the doctor can educate him that the dentist is important too or maybe even a book would help. There are many baby books and toddler books that address tooth care, most people don't take a child until about age 3 for a dentist visit since it's hard to get them to sit still but I took my children at age 2 and I had them sit on my lap for the exam. Many people anymore like to start early visit to the dentist office so the children aren't afraid of it and actually look forward to it.
Brushing teeth is to start as soon as they get the first one even if it's one tooth they get used to the brushing and aren't afraid by age 3 to 3 1/2 it's a good idea to let them try themselves and of course you follow up to brush them correctly but them trying builds self esteme and a good habit.
Sorry you are having such a difficult time with hubby I hope it gets better for you, my best wishes to you.

I am truly sorry you are going through this issue. Just to ask is there anyone else who would be able to care for her? If he is not going to do what he needs to do as a father then maybe she would be better off living with someone who will take care of her like you will. I would also have something in writing with him so when you come back from leave it won't be an issue for you to see her. He could be very spiteful and claim that he has custody and you don't. I'm not saying that he would do this but you need to cover yourself and your daughter. My aunt went into the Air Force and made my mother a legal guardian over my cousin so if anything were to happen to my aunt everything was legal so there were no questions asked. Just something to think about. I'm sure it was great seeing your daughter after so long!!

T.,
Your Family Services Center can also help you in this situation. They can offer counseling, access to financial support and other services. I assume your command has an Ombudsman back home as well - this person can be a resource for your husband in dealing with the stress of single parenting while you're on deployment.

Keep you chin up! We're very proud of you - balancing caring for your family and serving your country isn't easy.

Good morning, do you have any other family that can assist your daughter's father with her care? Maybe dad just needs a little help, as we all know it's not easy raising a child. I too at one time had to leave my little one in the hands of her father ( i was working two jobs) I found it helpful to give him a schedule. I would write out a weekly schedule for him to follow. On that schedule would list everything from , bed time, nap time, if there was a doctor's dentist appointment, even their numbers ( if he needed to reschedule) I hope this helps

If he is a parent for the first time and also young too, unfortunately, you can expect immaturity and selfishness, in which you have no control. You might want to ask yourself, if he is not really capable and/or willing to provide the proper care for your child and there is absolutely no one else that could provide him with guidance, which is important, your child or serving in the military? If you have chosen your child, then discover what are your choices of being discharged from the military.

It seems you have a lot in your plate Please start by talking to your husband and tryint to agree on some points It seems that he might not like you been in the military If this is the problem you have to reach an understanding

First of all we all need to think about the child's health,because if both parents are in the military that child should have regular visits to the dentist,so try to suggest that to her dad and if not then speak to her pediatrician. So that he could see the importance of brushing early.When my kids were young I would let them play with a toothbrush,just to get them in the habit of brushing from the age of 15months to their present age. I known that it hard when we are alway from that child but when we talk to each other rather the yell we get good results. Just pray and ask God to protect her and to provided her with all needs,every nite you pray...

I wonder if maybe he's trying to get you to come home just because being a single parent is hard and he's tired of doing all the work himself? And, I'm sure it's especially hard since he's a young man himself playing a typically mommy role? I don't think is an excuse for him being mean, but just trying to see it from his perspective. And, as far as the teeth brushing go, I can totally see how he wouldn't know to do it. Remember that if this is his first baby (and especially one where he is being the primary caregiver for the 1st time), he may have no clue what to do AND he's probably to embarrassed to ask OR he doesn't have a support system in place to even have someone to ask, kwim?

Without knowing the whole story it's hard to give too much advice. I would do like previous posters mention and reach out to the resources that you can, but I'd also focus on talking with him to see what's really going on (and don't assume it's all bad). Hang in there. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to be away and have to worry how things are going. (((HUGS)))

S.

In the Army, you have resources for legal advice. I would DEFINITELY take advantage of that!!!

Good luck, Sister! I REALLY, REALLY pray things work out well for you!!!

Can you make a special emergency request to be stationed in the US? That way you should be able to have your child with you. Otherwise, if you are afraid for her health/welfare then you have some monumental life decisions to make. Careers are important, but a life and a child's first years are more important. Maybe you could be in the reserves instead of full time military. If you don't leave the military then at least you need someone looking out for her best interest (maybe a court appointed child advocate). It is tough and the older she gets the tougher he is probably going to make it on you. I am praying for you and your daughter.

Hi T.,
you have to talk to your husband about the needs of your daughter bafore matters get woarse with her.

My honest opinion is to get out of the military. My hubby was a marine for 12 years, served in Iraq twice, swore up and down he would retire and be a "lifer", then we got married and had kids and it changed all that. The military is not (in MY opinion) a place for families.
Your daughter should come first, especially since you don't have that other spouse to help you while you are gone. Think about the long run for your kid. And if you think that the military is stability it really isn't, my hubby got out and got a job right away and he's making just as much as he did in the military. So you have options. Good Luck to you and your baby!!

As far as the teeth go I can almost guarantee that the cavity is not a brushing issue. I am a Dental Hygienist and most cavities at this age are caused by frequency of sugar intake. At this age typically it comes from juice in a sippy cup. After each exposure to sugar 20 min acid attack the teeth, this is when 1 sip is taken or the whole cup full. I recommend only using juice in an open cup and only at meal times. Frequent sipping is worse than drinking a whole cup at one time. Diluting juice is great because it is less sugar in the body, but as far as teeth go frequency hurts more than concentration. Also, have your dentist apply fluoride varnish twice yearly on your little ones teeth. Occasionally, there are developmental deformities on baby teeth which can make kids more prone to cavities. Hope this info helps.
J.