What Issues Do You and Your Spouse Bring to the Table?

My husband is a bit of an introvert and a homebody. I am the absolute opposite. I decided long ago that if I was going to be happy I would have to get out and do my own thing. I could not sit at home with him or I would go crazy. So, instead of sitting around complaining that I'm bored because he doesn't want to go anywhere. I just go.

There is a decent amount of water under the bridge from 25 years of marriage and parenting, and a long history before that, which create patterns and resentment.

On top of that, we aren't the two most compatible people, even though we agree ideologically on most things. I occasionally think that if he were a female, he probably wouldn't be someone I would be friends with. He's a nice, likable guy, but more passive and introverted than I would choose in a female friend.

Little stuff like dishes have never been more than a minor irritant.

Since it looks like we're sticking together, I personally need to focus on the positive, of which, when I let go of my resentments, there is plenty.

i'm not quite sure what you're getting at here, but my dh and i have been together for over 30 years so our situation may well not help with any perspective on yours. we've long ago settled the small stuff. he's neater than i, so i try to clean more than i like, he overlooks more than he's really comfortable with, and if it bugs him enough that he doesn't want to wait for my dawdling schedule, he cleans it.
after i do the dishes at night, it bugs me to no end to find things on the counter or in the sink. but he just doesn't think to take that half-second and put his popcorn bowl or glass in the dishwasher. so i roll my eyes and do it.
i can't throw away a box. i might need it one day! so once my collection is toppling over and spilling onto the basement floor, my dh quietly breaks them down and takes them to the recycling bins (and then i need one the next day and shriek in frustration.)
but big stuff, which is rare but still happens, brings us to the table with cups of tea to hash out. fortunately it's rare these days that it's a heated issue (more likely to be a fresh look at the budget- sigh), but when it is, tea seems to help us shut up and listen to each other more carefully.
mostly it comes down to the fact that we like and respect each other.
khairete
S.

My now ex husband and I probably 'looked' wonderful to all who knew us.

The truth is, he had issues with drinking...and I had issues with that! lol

I did seek help from family (both his and mine). Both sides of the family seemed to minimize the drinking.

We tried counseling, but he refused to go after drinking was raised as an issue. I went to alanon, and continued with counseling for ME.

End result is that there was a catastrophic event. I divorced him.

He is now in end stage liver failure.

No shock there!

Sometimes, even when one tries to deal with issues in a healthy manner, it just does not work. Often, family and friends are not willing to 'see' issues (denial) and really cannot be of help.

I am not sure what issues ou are grappling with...BUT, for *ME*, I am OK with the outcome, because I know I tried ALL I could to make it work.

Not all stories have a fairy tale ending...

Best!

If he leaves for work before me tomorrow there is a lamp that is going to the curb, perhaps a few empty boxes. "But those are good boxes!!" Yeah, good boxes but we don't need them and they are always available at your job! He is nearly a hoarder but he is also the most creative human I know so I just smile and sneak things to the curb.

Funny thing is I find myself seeing junk at work, side of the road, and find myself thinking he would love this. Yeah exactly how do I claim annoyance when I am a party to the collection.

I analyze everything and get quite vocal about it. I have been known to nag the TV. Don't know if that awful car commercial with the perverted old ladies, HATE IT! I am pretty sure our fish are aware how much I hate that commercial. "Who is their target demographic?? I know it isn't me! Surely it isn't the 20 to 35 female though I think that was where they were going...argh!"

He loves my mind, a lot of people do, silly humans. I love his issues, he loves my issues, I suppose that is the definition of a healthy couple.

Oh my god, my favorite thing, he does angry cleaning. Ya know, like women do. The whole I am so pissed that you haven't cleaned this I am going to clean it loudly so that you feel bad and come take over!! Yeah, guess what, doesn't work on women either. I just sit there and laugh silently. Then I come home and mow the lawn for him and call it a workout. We just are a good couple.

______________________
And I left first, maybe next week. :)

I'm not sure how we work things out - we just do.
After 25 years of marriage (and 9 years of dating before that) - we can sometimes finish each others sentences.

I'm not a marriage counselor nor do I play one on tv but I really think your marriage could use some professional help.
Please get some.

My husband is the most honest and upfront person I know. No BS. Very kind and respectful, but he says it like it is.

I learned to be the same way. I had to be in my career, where it was considered ok to lay out the issues in a professional manner. His job requires him to do the same - so I guess we approach our concerns at home the same way.

I can approach him and say "I don't care for this behavior/thing you're doing - it doesn't work for me" and tell him why, respectfully. It's clear I still like/love him - I just don't like what he's doing. It's the behavior.

Focus on the issue - is what I learned over and over again in my career. Cut through all the emotion, the BS, the drama, ... what is the REAL issue.

Then problem solve.

It helps if I have a clear idea of what I want the end solution to be. Otherwise you're just nagging or venting. We compromise. He handles the issues on his side (his family, etc.) and I handle the things I control.

Our issues are just the everyday life demands. Our old issues seem trivial once I became ill. We let a lot of stuff go and realized how good life really was. We stopped comparing to other people.

Issues could be budget, his family (a tad dysfunctional), making time to do things together, stress (not being able to juggle everything when I'm not well), prioritizing ... compromising on that, etc.

Not sure if that answers the question :)

I don't think we have, at least currently, any sort of big 'issues' to sit down and hash out. If something is bugging us, we address it in the moment or just put it on the back burner for another time when we are both calm, centered and can focus. We try to start the conversation with the solution we had in mind and then be open to hearing from the other that yes, it works, or you know, your idea is good but it needs tweaking or "you know, honey, this is why I do it this way and I'd like to continue, but lets keep this conversation open." There's room for a lot of 'right' answers when there is love there, creating that space. An open heart is more accepting and tolerant of the others proclivities and mistakes, so long as both people feel heard and those proclivities aren't truly detrimental, just more a conflict in preferences.

We both love and *respect* each other. When we disagree, we hold onto that-- that the other person isn't disagreeing just to be stubborn, but because some part of this really matters to them. We give each other the benefit of the doubt , that both of us have good intentions, that neither of us are petty people, and that some things really do matter.

When we actually have a 'sit down' meeting, it's usually more on logistics and strategies and delegation of tasks. Having good communication about expectations and discussing possible challenges, preparing back up plans-- I think this helps immensely.

We are not legalistic-- we have our routines and know that they should have some flexibility. Last night was my husband's night to do bedtime. I returned late from our movie; Kiddo was still awake and my husband was dragging. I sent the poor man to bed (because he works full time for us) and helped our little anxious guy to get to sleep. This sort of thing happens all the time and I think it's what makes us a good team: we are both good at seeing a need, stepping in and just doing what needs to be done. Things aren't 50/50 in our house--I'm aware as a SAHM (and we made this choice together) that our jobs are very different. They are both stressful and demanding at different times and in very different ways. Our main goal is simply to support each other and our son.

And yeah, knowing what to overlook because it's actually part of what we like about each other-- it takes patience and a sense of humor. LOVE that my husband likes to restore cribbage boards and has that desire to see something neglected become something beautiful.. and so I say nothing about the state of his workbench and he loves my cooking and doesn't complain about our clean but rather disheveled kitchen. We both have clutter. We both have areas which need improvement and things we are really pretty wonderful at. I think I was lucky in that I married a man who cared more about the *team* we are as a family and not so much about small stuff.

Not sure that I get this question...
There aren't really any life changing "issues" that were working on that we hash and rehash time and time again, if that's what you mean.
You can't change people.
I don't try to change him or his mind...although it'd be great if he went ahead and actually put the coffee cup IN the dishwasher instead of on the countertop...but hey--you can't have it all!

My hubby and I had some counseling once and this therapist was really wonderful. They had us practice sitting down and use scripts to get our issues out for discussion. That didn't come out right but I don't know exactly how to say it so I'll give an example.

They told me to tell my hubby something I liked about him. I looked at him and said "I think you look really hot in a suit". They asked my hubby what he heard and he said "She told me I don't look nice unless I have a suit on".

NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL!!!

So we learned better ways to open a discussion and use our words.

One time my husband came up to me and asked me if we could meet in the dining room that evening at 6pm for a discussion.

I went and sat the chairs about ten till and when he came in he sat down.

He told me "I worry about your safety when you don't wear a seatbelt while driving". I told him "I heard you say you're concerned that I might get hurt in an accident if I don't wear my seat belt". I'd like to say that I do realize I should put it on every time I get in the car and I will start putting it on every time". He said
"I heard you say you'll start wearing your seat belt when you're in the vehicle. I'd like to add thank you".

To this day I haven't gotten in a vehicle and not put the seat belt on first thing.

So when we have issues we can sit down and talk about them. No kids or distractions.

pretty much after 30+ years of marriage, we do our own thing.
We discuss big issues, changes to our lives....& go our merry way.

All old issues piss me off. He cycles into the same sentences every single freakin' go-round...& it's a complete waste of everyone's time. Health factors into this...+ memory loss... so again & again I decide to just F.I.A. & let him be/let me be.

Is it good? No....but the level of Peace is enough.

I agree with many but Beaver Canoe seemed to hit it on the head for me.

My hubby goes along and enjoys life and does what has to be done on his time schedule. He does not plan things out just does them and sometimes it has caused us financial pain but that was in the past.

I have been a planner or organizer so that I have an idea of what is going on for the day, week, month, year. It gives me motivation to get up and move and do something constructive.

Hubby had been diagnosed with cancer and had a flight for life and emergency brain surgery 7 years back and things have changed a bit. I am very pleased at how much he can do and be almost normal by about 90 percent of his former self. He is a stay at home guy now and calls himself my "house mouse" and tries to do things around the house to keep things up. I still work as my escape for all of this going on in my life.

We both are hoarders of such him electronics and me fabric. But we agree that it is "our" mess and that one day we will have it cleaned up. So with his medical record we enjoy life as it is knowing that one day it may not be.

I know he still gets upset with things I do as I do with him but we make it all work and live in the present and not the future. I do have a backup plan for when that happens but by then it may change to something else.

I hope this helps. Our kids are grown and live in neighboring states so they come in once or twice a year and we go there the same amount of time. My retirement will come one day and then I will do other things.

the other S.

Our issues is he came to the table with more baggage than me and I accommodate I feel alo, he has 2 kids age 12-15 from prior marriage and his remarried ex. I came into if financially and emotionally stable. He also was financially stable, a good dad and a good generous person. He takes care of most everything for our house etc. I have a career he dies as well we both work hard and we both love having a family, traveling, taking care of our parents. He also was born where we live and I transplanted so my family is further away

Our biggest issues I would say I'm OCD when it comes to having the house clean look nice etc. He's probably more add with his piles, just does things when he needs to, where as I'm more the planner and plan everything from what I'm doing today, to what day I'll do my laundry. That's a hurdle I don't like Pilsen junk, he's not a hoarder but he definitely has trouble throeung stuff out to clean up. Takes him forever to finish a cleanup project. He ️sports distracted easily where as I can multitask.

The skids can be an issue when it comes to schedules or them manipulating him for money,things. My ss also has adhd but doing better.

Oour parenting styles are different he's a softie and will give In to everything if I'm not around thrn I have to deal with the consequences of thst, spoiled kids, he enables. I'm tougher, but then sometimes he's tougher. I'm the nurturer he's not. So that's where he's more tough handle approach. He also has zero boundaries so that's whybhes more soft can't say no for anything where as I look at , analyze think about then make a decision.

For the most part we do agree on things, but it sometimes often takes work, we have to talk about. If we have a heated moment we've kearnrd to walk away. Occasionally it doesn't work and it's gotten heated which only pushes us further away. We try to get away to bond away from the home , no noise .. We try to do date nights. But honestly when it's bad it's bad when it's good its good. We don't always see eye to eye on things and that's when we have issues.

We've got a ton. For starters, we each came into the marriage with a child and each accuses the other of "favoring" our oldest biological children. Probably some truth to that for both of us. It's hard for each of us to hold our kids accountable for being kind of jerky to the other parent.

Husband has psychological issues (mood disorder, attention problems, personality disorder) and has questioned his sexuality. One child has ADHD, another has PTSD, and another is "off" but not diagnosed with anything yet. I have never been dx'd with any type of psychological issue, but can be a bit controlling and crave security (financial, etc.) so when I feel that things are at risk, I become very conservative in my decision-making, sometimes to the point of not making decisions at all.

At the end of the day, we fundamentally disagree on most things (finances, spending/saving, discipline, nutrition/fitness, religion, politics, social issues) and are getting further and further apart, which is why separation is now imminent. It will be interesting to see how people react. For years many people thought we were this great happy couple who had successfully blended our families and did an awesome job raising 4 happy kids.The veneer has cracked a lot in the past year though - we are rarely seen together - so we'll see if anyone is surprised or not.

Hm.. not really clear what you are asking. Do you mean, what major issues, like, we're having a fight over them, or do you mean more along the lines of hey kid did something stupid, now what?

Because, major issues are rare. But almost never have gone more than 24 hours. And not b/c we don't go to bed, but b/c usually by the end of dinner the 2nd day, we both can't take the adrenaline from the stress anymore and have a long talk (or angry fight or whatever) in private. But for "hey, you forgot to pick up x/y/z at the store" stuff, or "you didn't clean the coffee pot" or whatever, mehh... Our philosophy is generally that those issues are not worth throwing away a marriage. And one of us will be in a funk this week, the other one will have some days they are in a funk later. It goes that way sometimes.

Relationships are not static. They ebb and flow. And you have to tend to them as a living thing, b/c they are. Sometimes we are busy tending to the kids and neglect the tidy garden rows of the marital relationship, and have to come in and pull weeds for an entire weekend. But you don't close up shop and let it all go to seed.

on the outside we look like a fabulous couple, happy and healthy looking relationship. if for some reason we let you into the dirty life we really have you would be shocked. he is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive, an introvert, manipulative, mr. know it all that has to have everything done HIS way or its wrong and your stupid.
i am a lazy laid back semi outgoing person. i prefer to have a plan for everything i do and don't care if its perfect, as long as it gets the job done. i also know how to be tactful and not say something that may hurt anothers feelings.
we have been working on all of that. he is learning how to not say anything if he can't be nice, he is working on letting perfection go. i am working on not being so lazy and trying to "fly by the seat of my pants" instead of meticulously planning before hand. we have been getting better slowly. but like i said, no one knows unless we have said something directly to them and that has yet to happen so we look like we have a healthy relationship.

Okay so lately my hubby can't keep his mouth shut! It seems that he blabs to everyone about confidential things I have told him. This has happened several times lately. I told him last weekend that if he does it again, I will NEVER tell him anything again. I think he finally got the clue when I said this yelling at him in the car! =)

After 29 years of marriage, we pretty much just say it like it is. That being said, he is an amazing man and I am really blessed. =)

i think my marriage has lots of ups and downs, what i love about him is what drives me craziest when i am super stressed. I love that he pays all the bills and deals with all the repair people and basically takes care of everything, down to grocery shopping. I agonize over decisions and i'm mostly super super cheap because i don't pay enough attention to know when i might be getting close to broke. even the shopping takes forever because i deliberate between all 20 brands of toothpaste, each time i go. So most of the time him dealing with stuff is wonderful, but sometimes i just want to pick out my own damn shampoo and not have him have an opinion on what color rug to put in the kitchen.
Another more constant issue is that he prefers to spend evenings at meetings or hanging out with buddies in the name of networking instead of being at home with the kids and i. to be honest, it's nicer with out him, and most of the time i can realize that we are both happier this way. but sometimes i get super jealous that other people have husbands that come home in the evening and play with the kids and eat meals together and watch a show together and have the same bed time. so sometimes i break down and blow up, and he does try to limit his all night happy hours to 2 nights a week, but pretty soon he has signed up for another committee or some friend has a crisis and he is gone again.

I"m sure his complaint is that i am messy and depressed. but usually he doesn't complain too much he just finds other things to do.

that all sounds horrid, but from the outside i don't think most people would see much of the negatives just the wow what a great guy to do all that volulnteer work and wow she might not have the neatest house but she seems like a really great mom.

Its funny because when people ask questions here they usually sound pretty dire and "get counseling" is like the go to answer. and it always makes me wonder about the people that are giving that answer, do they wear the pants in the family and their hubbies just rollover so anyone having any sort of trouble should immediately seek a womans shelter, call the divorce lawyer and get out. there has to be a more middle ground where yeah it isn't perfect but its still ok enough that you can ride out the bad stuff and enjoy the good stuff.

We've had a few issues, mostly stemming from low self-esteem on both our parts. A few missed "intamate" time ques where one of us plays a little too hard to get.

Most common "issue" I guess is the daily house work. I HATE chores...he hates running out of clean socks. It's a thing..it gets done...eventually.

We've pasted the 9 year mark, so who knows. So far so good. :)