What Is Wrong with Me? - Frisco,TX

Reading your past posts, I'm wondering if this is an accurate self assessment or if you're holding on to grudges because there have been some serious stuff in your past and your marriage that is giving you good information.

Have you heard about one person over functioning in a relationship and the other underfunctioning? Your husband tends to under and you seem to compensate by picking/overfunctioning.

Easily angered and generally angry with someone are quite different. Sounds like there are very good reasons why you are questioning your security. I'm not saying you're free from blame, but you may be trying to hold ALL blame and problems for the relationship.

How long does it take?

A long, long time. We want to change our spouses but are at a loss to change ourselves. That can feel pretty defeating. Especially when our kids also start to trigger us.

I've been where you are and had to make a very long-haul, long term (like, ten years) commitment to changing myself into a person *I* more or less liked. I still have my tough days. (Look at my question right above yours!) That said, they get less intense, less stressful, and one bad day doesn't make me feel like most of my life is sh*t the way it used to. It's just ONE bad day. I actually now can say "man, I can't wait until tomorrow" because I do believe that I have the power to make that next day better.

Keep going to counseling. Even if you don't decide to reunite with your husband, do it for yourself and your child. Hang in there. A lot of us have a lot of baggage we need to unpack, re-examine and decide what to do with. It takes time and we can get impatient with the process. Stick with it. Good luck!

ETA: Theresa N-- damn, girl, where were you 16 years ago? :)

Are you a SAHM? This post describes what I too am
Currently going through ( my husband can be a jerk mor often then not). Your not alone. I don't have advice, I just thought you would feel a bit more sane to know your not alone. O yes and I am a SAHM, just trying to see if it's a pattern some SAHM experience?

Huge red flag in your post:

"I just had a baby in 2011."

Have you taked to your counselor about the possibility you have post-partum depression? Even if a hormone check says you're fine, you could still have PPD. PLEASE talk to the counselor AND your medical doctor and get a detailed work-up. Depression can manifest itself in anger, snippiness, etc., not just in "sad feelings."

I am amazed if this has not already come up. Your counselor should have already mentioned it. I would talk to your doctor (medical) immediately. Again, do not let hormone tests be the reason they brush off the possibility of PPD! It is not mere "baby blues" but a serious condition and can last a very long time after a baby is born.

This is likely not the only issue, since you have had issues since the wedding day, but it may be making things far, far worse than they need to be.

Did you and your husband (not an ex yet?) ever get any couples counseling? Could you do so now, assuming you want to save your marriage? It seems like an absolute must for you both, and you should continue with your individual counseling as well.

You had a baby in 2011 and have been separated a year -- so you've been separated for the entire time your baby has been around? Sounds like possibly the stresses of pregnancy and the huge fact of a new baby might have been big factors in your split. Have you explored that with the counselor? With your husband? Again -- you had issues before the baby, but how long were you married before the baby came along? If you had a short time together as husband and wife before you got pregnant -- that can be a big problem in some relationships and can scare off some men, too.

Please explore all this and if your counselor is not wanting to look at these issues, you might need to find another one. And be sure to consider joint counseling with your husband/ex even if you are not going to get back together -- so you can learn to be good parents of your child and to be on the same page about HER even if you cannot be married to each other.

You could have the early signs of being premenopausal... Some women experience this as early as there late 30's... I would talk to a doctor about it... I would also seek counseling, and start taking a multivitamin... It could be some kind of imbalance. But, I would try and really work hard to be more positive... And seek out a pastor to help you through this... (Lots of wisdom there). Because if you love your husband... You'll do whatever it takes to keep the relationship healthy and strong. Good men are really hard to find theses days... And with him sticking with you through this.... ( he must really love you).

Good luck :)

I haven't read your other posts, but is it possible that deep down you don't like yourself and you can't think highly of someone who does like you? You mention being insecure. Maybe you think less of your husband because he likes you. That happens to people sometimes.

On the other hand, a lot of the other posters seem to say that your husband might be a jerk and is letting you down. That would make me bitchy and nitpicky too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that there doesn't need to be something *wrong* like ADHD or borderline personality (both of which it doesn't sound like you have) for someone to be easily frustrated, angered, or hold grudges. Some people are just like that. If you were like that before you met your husband or had a baby, it might just be your personality. If it started after you got married, maybe your husband is to blame. If this started after you had a baby, you might have PPD... or maybe you're unhappy with the way your life is going and you blame your husband. So many possibilities... and that's why there is therapy!

You know, I don't know that it would help to have a "diagnosis" here. Yes, you might feel relief that there's a "legit" reason why you could be this way, but the thing is it could just as easily become an excuse for you not to change.

You are this way as a result of your experiences, the way things have been modeled for you, your own unique personality (and "tics" - which we ALL have), your diet/lifestyle/hormones, and even activity level. Someone mentioned exercise. Truth! A year ago, I really thought something was wrong with me...that I had PMDD or something. I was raging and knew it was out of control and I needed to get a grip. Part of it was hormonal, but I also found that if I attended to my needs for certain vitamins (specifically B vitamins) and physical activity (at least 30min of aerobic activity) it made a world of difference.

Talk therapy can't hurt, but you seem very self-aware. See a dr about the PPD possibility. Attend to your needs for rest and nutrition. Cut chemicals out of your diet as some are far more sensitive to them than others and they can result in behavioral changes. Put positive statements and resolutions to be nicer, kinder, patient, more gracious, etc all over - on your fridge, mirrors, etc and decide that you WILL change...

...if you really want to.

I think that it does not matter if you stay with him or divorce him. You have basic issues that need working on. To be a better person you have to be consistent in your therapy and work really hard at improving yourself. You have to be the person you are supposed to be before you can offer anyone else anything substantial. So keep going to therapy and talking to the therapist.

Hubby needs to go too.

How long to resolve what?
Divorce, depending on where you live, inside of 6 months I think.

Changing your personality - much, much longer, with much work and self control.

Look, if you know you are snippy and bitchy, stop and think, count to 10, before you speak. Form your words in your head, listen to them closely, before you open your mouth. Practice tolerance, patience, compassion and empathy.

If you are still holding a grudge about something that happened over a year ago, then you need to make a conscience decision to let it go. We have no control over the past - we can only control the present. We have no control over people's actions - we can only control our own actions.

But, I don't think you can use ADD, or borderline, or bi-polar as an excuse to act badly. I think that you have let yourself get into a bad behavior pattern and only you can break that habit.

Good Luck

It could be from eating wheat. I know that probably sounds absurd to you, but there is an entire community of people who have stopped eating wheat and feel like a completely different person; me being one of them.
Check out www.whole9life.com and www.wheatbellyblog.com
HTH!

I'm a little unclear - you're separated for a year, but you are still trying to change him and "improve him"? Why? If it's over, then your work in therapy should be on moving on. If this marriage was in trouble from the beginning, then you can work on yourself, in order to avoid making this mistake in the future. As for how long it takes, it depends on what "it" is and what you want to change, as well as how hard you are really willing to work at it. I think you should worry less on a diagnosis (at least not from us on Mamapedia, as we couldn't possibly know) and concentrate on a plan with your counselor. I hear a lot of self-blame in your post, and only an unbiased professional can help you identify how much self-awareness could help you change the things you want to change, and how much of it is misplaced blame.

It's not clear whether you "want to change it all" meaning you want to get back together with him since you "love him dearly", or whether you are trying to accept that your "marriage is over" and you want to move on.

So, it's not going to be resolved until you put in all the work with a good counselor over a period of time. No one knows how long it will be, but we can all tell you it's not a quick fix and the problems aren't just going to "go away".

I guess the first step is recognizing it, so that's good. But I don't know the answer. I've gotten slightly bitchier as I've gotten older, but not too bad, fortunately. I've had days.

Exercise? Usually helps me.

so have you ever had your blood sugar checked? Look up the symptoms for hyPOglyclemia and hypERglycemia. Anger, uncontrolled emotions, anxiety, insecurity, crying jags, etc.....(depending on which one someone has).....

Have you talked to your doctor about the possibility of clinical depression? A lot of what you describe sounds like symptoms of depression. Some people think depression is just a sad feeling, but anger, and irritability are also symptoms of depression. Counseling will help some with depression but it's hard to implement behavioral changes when your chemistry is out of whack.

Borderline and ADHD have actual symptoms, not just snippy and shortness. Bordeline is way worse than that. You could have some hormonal imbalance, have you had your thyroid checked lately? Counseling should help, anger management.

But just going through motions to help calm yourself down and be supportive. You can learn to temper your tongue and hold back short remarks. It's something you have to actually make a conscious effort to do every day. There are tons of help online on how to argue effectively and handle anger in marriages.

My husband and I read Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" together and it really helped. Maybe it will help you too.

Here are two very short videos that can help your mentality on the way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zqvbe_mvwDE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sQ1yLFIEVNo

Why don't you just get a divorce, then? You've been separated for a year, now you get the divorce. No more fighting with your husband. Cut the man loose so that he can get on with his life.

It sounds to me like you have post partum depression. It also sounds like you had issues long before you got pregnant. It's good that you realize that you are probably the reason for your marriage's demise - now go find out why you are the way you are and how to fix it.

It's time for counseling. Go get it. Don't jump into any other relationships until you have really worked on yourself.

The amount of time it takes is the amount of time it takes. You want it all to be fixed quickly because you want what you want. Isn't THAT what blew up your marriage? Wanting what you want no matter what? And it never made you happy when you got it anyway, did it?

Stop looking for the quick fix and get down to business with fixing your life. Letting that man go so he can have a break from you is first. Let the lawyer deal with child support and visitation and don't talk to your husband - email back and forth only. Get therapy and be honest with your therapist. Do the WORK it takes to change yourself. I hope you will eventually be a happier person for it. At the least, hopefully it will help you keep from losing your relationships and treating your child this way.

Good luck,
Dawn

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I read this blog today and made me think about your question. Not sure if you just have these issues with him or with everyone.

http://elisabethcorcoran.blogspot.com/

She has a great closed facebook group for Christian women in difficult marriages or separated/divorced. You can see the details on the bottom right side of her page.

I think realizing you have a problem is a big step. You can only change yourself. I'm currently reading Unglued and it's great.

I'm assuming you are young and part of the problem is not having enough self control to just pick your battles. On the other hand all of that can stem from "root issues" that you haven't dealt with from childhood. (past hurts, rejections, etc) Our church offers an amazing ministry called "personal ministry" that helps you dig down to those root issues and work through them with God's help and another couple that sits down with you. If you want more information about it just pm me it really works if you're willing to really be freed from all that garbage.

If your marraige is over why hasn't he left??? I 'm sorry for what you are going through, do you have a friend that can help you out?

I completed Celebrate Recovery for similar issues a year ago. It is an ongoing process, but I have made huge changes. Find a Celebrate Recovery program near you and check it out. I am a firm believer in CR, and those that know me would totally agree that it has done wonders for me. I am a better and stronger person and mother than I could have ever been without working through the program.

BTW - I went through every antidepressant, anti-anxiety, hormone treatment plan known to doctors and they made things worse, or just caused me to veg out and allow the hurtful behavior around me to increase. Not saying meds are bad, I know they have helped several of my friends, but I also know several of my friends have been able to wean off of them as they went through CR.

Best of Luck!
K.

I am thinking this is not all your fault. We all have parts of our personalities that need work. I had a lot of growing up to do when I got married. Sounds like you and your H do too from your earlier posts. As a general rule, if you are asking if you are crazy, you are not! Crazy people deny they are crazy. Growing means maturing. I was lucky as my H was patient. Your responsibilities are great now. The burden of them combined with your all consuming need to be the parent your children deserve will drive you to maturity. You need help. Counseling can help. Find one on a sliding scale. Find role models in church or play groups and see how patience makes the difference in their relationships. It will take a long time with many set backs but steady progress but you are worth the effort and the wait, not to mention your kids. Nobody is perfect. We all develope over time. You are not broken. Your marriage probably is. You are just at the start of a new beginning. You can't change other people. Only you. When you do you will know it.