What Is the Best Way to Support a Disabled Child Then??

I have CP, and unless I tell you, to see me, you probably wouldn't know.

A child with a disability wants to be able to do what 'normal' kids do. They want the same chances, the same reactions. I can understand your daughter's reaction. As a mom, I can also understand yours.

I haven't seen the video you described, but he should've been treated and cheered as all the other kids were.

If you were standing there, clapping, but not yelling to the others, don't yell for me.

If you are giving high fives to all the kids as they cross the finish, I would want a high five too. Not some 'crushing bear hug' at my accomplishment. (unless you ARE my mom or dad)

If it is standard for everyone to gather around the last person and make a big deal about it (like when playing baseball, and the winning run is rounding the bases), then great, come on. DON'T do it just for me, because I am last.

ETA: I just watched the video and I am a blubbering mess! I have been that kid. I think it was great how the teacher went out there to encourage him. To hear that he finished it in 3:58! I was never that fast, even in walking!
I do see your daughter's point. I think the kids did mean well, but they did swarm. Standing in a group waiting for him without swarming around him probably would've had the same encouragement and gone over better with your daughter.

I think I understand your daughter's point of view. Decades ago, a little boy with a significant physical handicap joined our school, as one of the first integrated students. Months later he fell on the playground and only the kid nearest him lent him a hand. He got up and all went back to playing. As his teacher (watching all this from a window) I cried with joy. It was a genuine milestone for him, as he was treated exactly like any of his peers would have been. His falling was no big deal, no occasion for everyone to help. So really, it is a balancing act for each of us to treat all folks as individuals, offering encouragement and support as needed and wanted. Thanks for the great question, as it brought back a wonderful memory.

The same way you support a non-disabled child... you get to know them really really well. You figure out what they like and dislike. You figure out where they shine and where they stumble. You advocate strongly, but avoid enabling. You listen and observe, but don't interrogate.

Unfortunately, your daughter has hit on something that happens far too often. A child with a disability becomes almost like a class "pet" rather than a peer. It's a careful balance and it shifts as children get older.

I second the person who recommended asking another mother how to support her child. Wouldn't that be a wonderful world!

Wow. Your daughter sounds really insightful and wise beyond her years. I really wanted to answer your post to tell you that.

In terms of supporting a disabled child, I just think it's important to remember, there are different personality types in the disabled population, just like there are in the population at large. Some are introverts, some are extroverts, just like anybody else. So, it could be that the boy in this video is an extrovert and a people person who thrives on public support, and that he loved every minute of this.

But another person with precisely the same physical disability could be very private and introverted and have a sense of dignity that made him/her allergic to public pressure and adulation.

Parents of disabled children have the same responsibility as everybody else -- to know their kids for who they are -- not just the disability but the whole self.

And in general, I think the best thing to do is just ask: "Do you want to be in this race? Do you want people to cheer you on? We'll be the biggest cheering section in the world if you want it, but you tell us." These questions don't have to be awkward or uncomfortable if you don't ask them awkwardly. And people know themselves. They'll tell you who they are.

I think that, like anything, it depends on the person. For example, a way to support some people with Autism is to include them in Prom and find a friend to go as their date, etc. But for others, the gliz and noise is too much and for that person "support" may mean understanding that this HS milestone is not for them. Sounds to me like your DD is projecting her concerns and fears onto this boy and that needs to be addressed as those feelings pertain TO HER and HER situation. If she would not want it (same as many introverts would also not want any hoopla), then you support her by understanding HER needs and helping others understand her, too.

If you want to know how to support someone else's child, ask them. Ask the kid or parent what works for them. Take your cues from them. If they are reserved or shy or have sensory issues, don't push. But some kids want to be all in. I just read about a little girl with SMA who loves to go fast, be social and be in the thick of things. For her, she might love the attention the boy in the video got.

It's so painful to watch our kids struggle! Here is the thing...... we all have had to struggle. some more than others. and sometimes that can be very lonely even when we have a wonderful support system.

It's so great that your daughter expressed herself and you got an inkling to her feelings. You sound like a wonderful Mom with big open communication. That must make your daughters refusal to communicate even harder. You have to just keep plugging away while understanding you cannot take all the pain away.

I don't think you said how old your daughter is, but if you could find a support group for her that might be helpful. Not a group of kids with her disability. Just an age appropriate group. I don't know if that is possible but it would give her another outlet. Sometimes they just don't want to share their pain with Mom and Dad. They intuitively know their pain is our pain. They love us. We don't want them to be in pain, and they can feel likewise about us.

Wow! I never thought of it in that way.

I watch my kids' track meets. During the long races, there are always one or two who run far behind the rest and finish quite a bit later. People cheer for them too. We don't cheer out of pity, we cheer as encouragement and congratulations for finishing. Some of those kids are hurting but they are determined to cross that finish line, no matter how long it takes.

I believe all kids deserve their accomplishments to be celebrated. We always cheer for the winners. The ones I feel sorry for are the kids who finish in the middle, who tried just as hard and no one is cheering for them.

Is your child physically handicapped or does she have learning issues? We are talking apples and oranges here.

Really can OT answer questions be ause you do not mention how "disabled" she is. It would help to know what she is dealing with.