What Do You Do When Your Husband Lies to Your Face?

If he only does this once or twice a year - he deserves it - let it go.

If he commonly gets drunk, insist he goes to A.A.

I think you need to have a discussion about the events and expectations you both had for the evening when you are both calm and collected.
The question I'd be asking is, "Why did you lie?"
LBC

What sticks out to me (besides what the others have said about you "letting" him go out with his friends) is that you heard your husband "sneak" downstairs so you got up to follow him to see what he was doing....??? WTH - you are not his mother - he is a big boy, he can't go down stairs without you following him to see what he is doing? Why did you feel the need to follow him? What did you think he was going to do? LOL ~ sorry, but that just seems a bit ridiculous to me..... Maybe he lies because you are always up his butt about everything. Sounds like you need to chill out, and quit acting like his mother and start acting like his wife/girlfriend!!!

There are a few things that bother me about this- First you LET your husband go - You planned something after Letting you husband go watch sports did you really think he was only going to be an hour?
Your husband had been drinking, probably wasnt thinking clearly and you are holding every word against him.
I dont mean to sound rude or anything but really he had been drinking you were angry because he was late and drunk. Chalk it up to experience the things he lied about are unimportant pick your battles. and lying about the door open or shut unless there is something I am missing is not a game changer.

Slap him.

No, I am totally kidding. I would let this go. My stupid yet loving hubby comes home like this every now and again. Men get dumb when they're drunk. He probably wasn't "thinking" - I don't think he was trying to be deceptive. And I agree about the whole " I let my husband go" - he probably wouldn't appreciate or doesn't appreciate that mind set. I also agree that if this is a once in a great while thing, that is even more reason to let it go. If he does this weekly, you have a bigger problem. My guess is, given what you are upset about, he doesn't do this all too often.

Talk to him calmly and nicely. Honestly, it is not a big deal. I have been out with friends before and lost track of time. A little white lie (if you can even call it that) to an already upset spouse when drunk is not grounds for a fight. I think the whole night was just "ruined" in your mind and he probably feels a little guilty and/or defensive.

I am kidding about my hubby being stupid, too. =)

You were trying to have a rational and sober conversation with a drunk man. There was no way this was going to end well. My husband has only pulled this one ONCE... went out for "an hour" to see a friend who was in town that he hadn't seen in years. Four hours later... came stumbling in and was upset that I didn't have the hall lights on. I looked at him and said, "I wasn't sure when you were coming home and I was on my way to bed. If you're still angry, we'll talk in the morning." and went to bed.

He wasn't "lying" to you in the deceptive sense. You were pissed and he knew it. If he yacked in your living room you would have hit the roof. Think of him like an 8 yr old who realizes that he is about to get in more trouble and have your conversation when he's an adult again.

Never argue with a drunk, it never solves anything.

S.:

Oh dear!!! I've not had this happen to me...

When one drinks or does drugs - it does funky things to their brain.

1. When you are both cooled off - talk about it. Instead of ACCUSING him - say I FEEL LIED TO, the minute you accuse him - his defenses go up and the yelling starts.

2. Yelling does NOT accomplish anything. All it does is make people say things they can't take back.

3. I don't "let" my husband go out - I am NOT his keeper, I am his wife and partner. If he doesn't respect me or our marriage enough to call me when he's out with the guys - then when he gets home - I tell him how worried I was. This doesn't happen often - i think once in our 10+ years of marriage.

Talk to him about your expectations. Tell him you were disappointed that you didn't get the adult time with him you were anticipating on having...don't throw it out there as guilt - simply state "I am disappointed by....."

Part of me says let it go. it's a lesson learned for him. Although...if he's sneaky about stuff - you need to figure out what that's all about. What does he have to hide from YOU - HIS WIFE?!!! That would bother me - the sneakiness....the only time we get sneaky in our home is around birthday's and Christmas.....and of course for some adult time!! YAHOO!!! :)

TALK! TALK!! TALK!!!! State your expectations, desires and needs....it won't be easy. Especially if he feels that he is not "performing" as a man - that will knock him down and make him feel mean - that was my ex....he didn't get that I was trying to tell him WHAT I NEEDED and wanted.

Good luck!!

He went out, you let him, he was late, you both had plans.
He was still late and came home drunk.
Guys at a bar, sometimes, cannot help but getting drunk.
He did that, and 'forgot' about the plans you both had.
To me that is more irritating than him opening the door to puke.
He has to puke in secret?
To me, if my Hubby had to puke, he shouldn't have to hide it from me.
Your Husband felt he had to lie, about him needing to puke. Because he drank. Why?

To me the problem is:
You both had Plans. Planned it ahead of time.
He came home late. And came home drunk.
That spoiled, the plans you both had.
AND of course, you were waiting for him at home.
If it was reversed, and it was you that went out/came home late/came home drunk... I am sure, any Husband would be IRKED at that too.

So that is the issue.
He, did not keep, to the plans you both had.
He did not come home, on time... after 1 hour.
He was late.
And drunk by that time.

To me, him leaving the door open to puke, is something to wonder about.... I mean, why does he have to hide the fact that he needs to puke because of being drunk? And if he usually drinks beer, but that night drank other stuff... why can't he tell you? Why does he have to lie about it and keep it secret? Like a Teenager?

Your last sentence says "he is very sneaky about stuff..." and you told him before but he does not see it.
So.. to me- THAT is the problem.
Either he is sneaky... or he feels he 'cannot' tell you things or behave normally... because he is not allowed to.

Well, S., I didn't get to read your original, but I have to say after reading the other posts, that if my husband and I had plans, and he wanted to go out for a beer with his friends, he WOULD have come home in an hour to make our plans. I do NOT understand the women here who are asking why you would expect him home in an hour. Being a "guy" doesn't mean that he is automatically supposed to be irresponsible. I've been married for over 28 years, and he has not ONCE done that.

The reason your husband, in his drunken state, sneaked downstairs to throw up outside is that he does not want you to know how much he imbibed. It seems to me that your husband is a problem drinker, knows that you don't approve, and wants to hide the worst of his problem from you. His drinking problem is affecting your marriage, and he knows it, but won't control it because the drinking is too important to him.

Your husband might be a good man in many ways, but he is doing stuff that is wrong, and you are having a hard time trusting him. I don't blame you for coming downstairs quietly to see what he is doing. And I don't believe for one moment that every single woman on this thread, if faced with this kind of incident, hasn't already or wouldn't do the same thing you did.

I don't know what your question was, but I will just say to sit down with him when he is totally sober and ask him to be honest about his drinking with you. You can't make him admit that he has a drinking problem, but you can go to Al Anon. Tell him you believe he is an alcoholic and that you are going to get counseling for it. Al Anon can give you good advice.

I can't get over Mel's remarks to you - I really can't. I can't imagine living like that, and laughing about it. You don't have to end up that way. Go get help.

Dawn

First of all he is a grown man and if he was "allowed" to go out, I bet he wanted to live it up.

Did you remind him why you wanted him back in an hour? Should you have called him and reminded him? I do think he should have called, but since he did't maybe you should have called.

He did not want to be tsk, tsk'd again so he is acting as he is being treated.. like a child or a teenager. Hiding his upset stomach from you.

You 2 need to talk about what it is you feel you need. And he needs to be allowed to do the same. Married couples are still individuals. They are adults allowed to have their own fun sometimes.

Try not to set up your husband to fail. He should have called after an hour or before he left saying, you know what? this game is going to be a few hours, I think I will go and will be home when it is over.

Or he needs to also feel safe enough to have called you in an a hour and say, "hey, I am going to stay a few more hours." without worrying that you are going to get puffed up.

This is difficult, but we need to give a little and then be willing to take a little.

Are you angry because he drank? or are you angry because you think theres something more going on? You say he drinks at home, dose he drink to much? You said he could go, -but for an hour? Thats silly! Really if you had to give him permission theres a problem some where! I think theres a trust issue. Best rules--- Know one goes to a bar or drinking with out the other partner.. thats just a common law in our house. we never say you can go but only for an hour. lol! Today if you go to these places your just inviting drama into your marriage,, It safer to just drink at home. NO one gets hurt or in trouble.. It may not even be your husband that you trust! It could be someone elese that you cant trust. You know your husband better than us. Do you trust him? If you do , then let this ride. If theres more to the trust thing. Then you both need to lay down some common law!

I would just say (when he is sober) look I am super pissed at you, not because you drank too much or stayed out longer than expected but because you think you need to lie to me. Please have enough respect to tell me the truth about things. The lying is a problem and if it continues we will have to address it with a professional (this is all assuming he even knew what was going on...how drunk was he? It has been a long time since I have been drunk but I do recall that things get confusing and fuzzy). That would work on my husband but he is very forthright about everything.

The way you tell it your husband seems to be a habitual offender so perhaps you do need to seek counseling.

I am not saying you are this way but I have to ask....do you get angry or upset with him when he does do things without your permission or knowledge that would make him think he needs to lie? You know what I mean? Like if you say go have a few beers and he comes home and says I had 8 beers do you get mad about that because to you a few is 3 not 8? The reason I ask is because my sister is like that with her husband...he has to ask permission to do things and then if he doesn't do things the way she thought he should or would she gets mad at him so he ends up sometimes doing what he wants and then trying to hide it after the fact so that she doesn't harp on him about it (and it is stupid stuff like buying a $2 lottery ticket, stopping by Dairy Queen on his way home to get a shake, feeding the children breakfast for dinner, not folding the towels the way she likes). If she were my spouse I would need to be constantly medicated to put up with always being or doing things incorrectly and being harassed about pretty much everything I do.

You don't do or say anything except checking to see that he's cool and got home safe. The next day you can talk to him if you have concerns. He's not gonna act like himself if he's drunk. You may not be acting like yourself if you're upset. And whatever is said/done, will he remember or understand it? Leave it be until the morning.
Beer isn't necessarily the issue. Did he have greasy food? Did he catch a bug? You don't know (not at that time at least).
Yeah, I'd be upset if my husband lied. I'd be more upset if he felt like he had the "need" to lie as in I was on his case all the time.

You don't trust him. My husband drinks a lot. Usually after we (me and kids) go to bed but not always. Sometimes he does the weirdest stuff! Makes the weirdest meals. I hear him all over the downstairs and sometimes outside...I really don't care what he is doing because he is at home and is not sneaking other women into my house..lol He never goes out and when he does I don't care when he comes home it could be 3 am and as long as he is safe I am fine with it. I TRUST HIM. Don't misunderstand I get mad at the goofy stuff he does and sometimes he is jerky drunk BUT I never argue or even look mad because no good can come of it I have learned this many times. I wait till the next morning then when he calls from work or wakes up I tell him how stupid I think he was and he may agree or disagree but he is not loaded so it's a fair fight. My husband drinks on weekends and weekdays (always goes to work though) and never usually gets sick although sometimes I hear puking and I laugh and laugh because to be honest I hate his drinking. What do you really think he was doing? Were you mad that he wanted to go out and not have sex with you? I don't know the life you live but I think you are overreacting just a bit although I am sure you don't think so. Good luck.

I think it was wrong of your husband to come home that late knowing you two had plans, and he should have had the decency to at least call and tell you. With that being said, he did come home drunk, and drunk arguments are not worth having. Wait until you both have had some time to calm down, and talk to him. Don't be offensive and point the finger, but tell him how you felt. Maybe you could suggest alternatives for next time (go with him, have people over to your house).

As far as lying to your face, I would dismiss this time, since he wasn't really thinking clearly. You can still address it, but if the "sneakiness" is a habit, I'd dig a little deeper to find out what's going on. Sounds like it has happened more than once (the lying). Either way, COMMUNICATION is key.

I didn't see your original post but decided I wanted to post on your new one cause I understand what you mean about some of the people on here, I asked a question and got complained at for what I was wanting to do. Anyway I hope you find the answer that you needed for your original question and hope you get things taken care of.