What Do I Say to My Children?

i was always told to tell them the truth ,,then if they have questions answer them simply,,i think in you case i would have 2 talks i with the older childner,one with the younger ,but what ever you may say syress how much both you and daddy love them ,,,and this has nothing to do woth them or anything they have said or done it is between you and daddy tell them when they will see him again,,the older ones can sometimes feel its there faullt ,they'll ask more questions ,thats way i say have 2 talks with the different ages but only tell them the basic facts ,if they want to know more then answer them simply
L.

Be open with your children talk to both boys and then the girls about relationships, explain to them that sometimes relationships do not work and how you tried to make it work but that sometimes you grow apart and disagree with emotions, goals, etc.. everyone is different. Most important tell them how much you love them and there is no secrets between you all and they always come first no matter what. Also never bad mouth the father no matter how horrible he is.

Here are some websites of books you can check out from the local library that will help you out...

http://www.amazon.com/Helping-Your-Kids-Divorce-Sandcastl...

http://www.amazon.com/Daddy-Bears-Divorce-Cornelia-Spelma...

http://www.amazon.com/Your-Fault-Koko-Bear-Read-Together/...

http://www.amazon.com/How-Survive-Your-Parents-Divorce/dp...

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Questions-Afraid-About-Di...

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Children-Before-During-Divo...

http://www.amazon.com/Kids-and-Divorce/lm/RTE7XGBKEJR6Z/r...

I wish you, your husband, and your children the best of luck in this very difficult situation. I truly hope you can keep it as amicable for all as humanly possible considering that it is such a painful thing.

Good Luck and best wishes!!! ;-)

The most important thing is not to talk bad about or blame your husband in front of the children. Also, tell them without being emotional. You are the model for how tramatic it will be for them. Explain to the older ones the custody plan. Answer all their questions honestly without overwhelming them with detail. Reminding them that daddy and mommy still both love them very much and cannot live together, so they will get to share the kids. Also, note that life will be more fun with 2 Christmas' etc. Good luck. My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have had 2 loving stepparents for 25+ years. I totally feel for you. Email me if you need to.

Hi J.-
I first want to say that I am really sorry to hear about you and your husband this has to be hard, but to be honest no one knows your children better or more intimately than you and your husband and because of this you are the only two people that can tell your children from the heart what's going on as well as how it should be told, I'm not sure what you and your husbands communication is like at this time but this would be a situation for you two to put your differences aside and talk to them together that way the children know that this is a mutual decision and there will not be any animosity toward either you or the father for the separation.

I would be honest with them and let them know that they will still have all of the love from their mom and dad that they have always had. The only difference is that you will not all live together. The kids don't need to know why! Your personal relationship issues are not of their concern. All they need to know is the new living arrangements, and that you both still love them just the same and they will get to see and spend time with you both. You will always be their mommy and dad will always be their daddy! Be sure to tell them that the problems are with you and your husband and not because of anything that they did! My parents divorced when I was 6 1/2 and I blamed myself for many years! Your children think very highly of you both and because of that they will concoct reasons why they think it is their fault! Don't let them carry that guilt! Best of luck, and I hope that you end up working things out with your husband during this seperation. Sometimes having time apart makes you realize just how trivial some of the reasons you seperated in the first place really are! God's blessings on you all.

Excellent to talk to the older kids separately since they may have more questions the younger children might not. BUT, when you talk to the younger ones, I suggest having the older children present. The younger girls need to know that the big brothers know too and that everybody knows the same thing. And that they are not getting only part of the story. They are getting the same info just scaled to their understanding. Is it at all possible for your husband to be in attendance for the talk? Then he can also assure them all that it is not because he doesn't love them nor is it anything they did wrong, it is not their fault. Sometimes mommies and daddies love each other but have a hard time getting along and live in different houses til they understand how to work better together. You will always be their mommy and he will always be their daddy, no matter what happens. If there is another person involved, do not bring that up in this initial talk. There will be enough time for that as this unfolds. There is only so much change that a little person can understand at one time. If husband is abusive, scratch his being present. They don't need one more minute of that. If they ask, no matter what they ask, tell them the truth to the degree that you don't have to backtrack and tell a different story. You can begin by saying you have something sad to tell them, but you will all be ok since you all love each other.

One last thing: I used to babysit for some little 18mo old twin boys whose parents split up. They were not able to verbalize the questions I knew they had. Most people understand more than they can put into words. One screamed and kicked and one curled up and cried for most of 2 hrs. I gave them juice and told them they could take a little break from being upset but they didn't have to. I did not tell them they had to stop. I suggested we move to their bedroom and lie in the bed where we could be more comfortable. Nobody was in trouble. They followed. I told them their mommy and daddy had to live in different houses because there was too much fussing, but they were not fussing about the boys. They still loved the boys and would continue to be their parents even when the boys were big strong men like grandpa. I told them I knew they were worried and scared and sad and mad at everybody because nobody was fixing the mess. I asked them if they had a question. The tearful one said,"Keep telling us our story." The screaming one agreed, "Talk about our story." That let them know that I understood their pain and I was sad too. Sometimes even bubbas need to be separated even though they love each other. All that fussing is not good for people. I hope this simple explanation gives you the help you need. You are stronger than you think, J.. Hugs, C.

Hi J. R...
First of all, seperation is not a terrible thing..you and your husband should sit down together and talk to your children... explain the situation to them calmly and make them feel safe no matter how hard it is for the you two..They should always come first in your lives, so you will have to take your time and prayer about what you will say to them and how you say it. Are you members of a local church? If so, please allow your pastor or church advisor to assit you and get the kids involved in a bible based church immediately. Prayer is what you all need, and I am praying today for you and your family to be guided by God for strength and salvation. Remember, you kids did not ask to be brought into this world, you guys had them out of love and prayer will give you strength and wisdom to remember just how important the love you shared was and still is.. with 4 children to love, you both can share in making sure they are always safe and that they will always come 1st in your life and your husbands. My prayer is for all 6 of you.. God please give this family guidance, strenght, and patience fill with your love and your word. J., get your bible out today and read Proverbs (chapters 1 thru 31); and Psalms 1 thru 100. Read to your children, God will provide for you the right words to say... just trust in him and he will direct your path. AMEN... Love you my dear, hugs to you and your family!!! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME and ALL THE TIME, GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

S. E.

Hi, J.:
I feel with you. I faced the same thing with my daughters, 12 and 9, last December. I took lessons from my own experience when my mom told me about my parents' divorce when I was 9 and then what I read. Some pointers:
1. Tell the kids with both parents at the same time. That only works if you agree on what's to be said, as we did. We met in a neutral place. I'd told him what he was going to say. I told him beforehand that he would leave after we'd told them to go to work so as not to draw it out for hours.
2. Show them that first you try to solve a problem before writing it off. Their dad told them that he was having some problems that he needed to work on, some issues that we thought best he take time to himself to resolve. I told them I agreed, that their dad had never had the chance to be on his own and he needed to. Later, when they asked if he'd worked out his problems, I told them he hadn't. When they asked if we were going to get a divorce, I said yes.
3. Don't bad mouth the other parent to the kids. But, don't forget to teach your kids what is and is not acceptable, healthy, loving in a relationship, even if it means using the example of the other parent.
4. Don't use your kids as your crutch. Seek counseling, a minister at church, friends. Get your grief, anger and frustration out with them before dealing with your kids or your spouse. It makes for a smoother transition.
5. Tell the kids when they will see their dad next. Be specific so as to avoid having them worry about it and suffering from self-esteem issues. Both of you tell them how much you love them.
6. I talked with my kids about the Holy Family and how they had peace, love and respect. I was able to point out things that they'd brought up to me about their dad's behavior to show them where we needed peace, love and respect. Again, I taught them that when they suspect something is wrong, they can bring it up to me and I will talk with them about it objectively and lovingly.
It's been almost six months for us and it's going well for my now 10 year old because I've made her dad stick to his pledge to pick her up from school (almost) everyday. It works for the older because she knows he'll call her on her cell to say hi and she's ok with seeing him occasionally. My daughters and I have never been closer or happier.
Good luck.

i feel for you im fixen to go through the same thing so if you get any good advice please let me know i have a 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy and it is going to be a nasty divorce.

You have the right idea--make your children feel secure. Each of them will be very concerned about his or her well-being and will focus on "What about me?" So don't feel neglected because they ask mostly about themselves. They should be your focus, so it is not wise to discuss the problems with your husband. Try very hard never to criticize him in the future as it will come back to haunt you. Pick a quiet place and time that makes them comfortable and will not have distractions.
Start by reassuring them that "Mommy and Daddy both love you very much. Unfortunately, we have grown in different directions, but our love for you is constant. We will try to have as little change in our lives as the circumstances permit and your daddy will still be in your lives as often as he can. I know that you are hurt and I am so sorry that we bring this sadness into your lives. But these things do happen."
Be brief. Ask if they have questions and answer them as honestly and briefly as possible. Realize that they will continue to hope that the two of you will get back together for years to come. They must face reality. And don't be afraid to admit that you don't have all the answers. Saying "I don't know" will often be the best answer.
I've been divorced for over 30 years and they have been the best years of my life!! Going solo is just great!! All the best to you. S. Jane

This is a delicate subject. I had to tell my 3 year old daughter the same thing. I sat down with her and said that daddy would not live here anymore but he loved her so much...You will definitely get the question do you still love daddy...and you say yes every time no matter what...but you say I love daddy because he gave me you and nothing is better than that...we just can't live together anymore...Kids have a strange way of thinking everything is there fault and if they had been better then daddy wouldn't leave...you just have to assure them that they are loved by both of you...and it is now your job to make sure they don't hear, see or feel any anger the parents have... It is hard...

Whatever happened neither one is divorcing the kids...some advice on divorce for anyone that reads this...My ex and I did not divorce peacefully which most people don't...usually the courts set up every other weekend or 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend pick on Friday night drop off on Sunday and a few hours on Wed...Unfortunately this makes the mom take most of the responsibility for getting kids dressed, fed for school every week. You also have to see your ex every other weekend and every Wednesday which can be allot of tension for the kids...Our setup is Every other weekend (pickup Friday at school and drop off Monday at School). On Wednesdays he picks up from school and they stay the night and dad takes them to school on Monday. This helps in a few ways. You avoid tension with you and your ex and he shares in the responsibility in school picking up the children, studying with them the early morning drop offs...

You will need the break on those Wednesday. I promise you. Dads can be late picking up the child from your house but they can not be late picking up the child from school, after school care, any sports they may have...It has work wonders for us. We have been divorced for 5 years and we still work with this schedule. I am remarried and he has a new person in his life. We have our problems with different techniques in raising but our daughter went through the phase of feeling mommy is taking me away from daddy and daddy is taking me away from mommy. They don't see it. All my daughter says is today the day daddy picks me up..."yes"...no crying no fits...

A friend of mine actually made the kids rooms the exact same way in both house starting out...sounds strage but the kids felt like they weren't losing their home as much ... same kind of furniture...same bedding...same colors...never thought about it but it worked...

As far as finances protect yourself, the child support can be started while the divorce is pending, make sure you know what is in your name...get all financial records ready...you think it may not come to this but it does...Think about college for the kids and any verbal agreements need to be in writing...verbal means nothing in a divorce...Your lifestyle will change and the kids will have to adjust, they may need counseling, some will try to play on your guilt...remember you are the parent...you still have to keep the same rules...

Good luck....

Hi. Are you separating to figure things out or is there talks about divorce? The breakup of a family is never easy... Only time takes care of all the deep wounds. And life is so grand that we finally recuperate and grow and learn! Communicate, communicate, communicate. Fortunately, the kids are not teenagers yet. This makes things a lot easier. Create a peaceful, nice environment at home. They will feel your pain. The younger ones will cope better.
I will keep you in my prayers. You will be O.K. Most times bad things happen in order for good things to take place. We tend to forget this as we go through the pain...

i think you and your husband need to sit down together with your children to tell them. Make sure they know it is not their fault. Be honest with them, kids understand more than we sometimes give them credit for.

My thought would be, if it is a trial separation, why can't you just sleep in separate rooms during this time and leave the family intact while you guys figure it out. That way if you do work things out, the kids aren't yo-yo'd.

Dear J., I am sorry that you are separating. This is always traumatic, and I'm certain you know what you have to do. As far as telling the children, lay it out clean and simple. Dad and I love you all very much. Daddy is going to live somewhere else; but, you will still see him and he will never stop being your father. In no way was any of this your fault. Any questions ? Answer those very simply, and make every attempt not to cry. Don't make the mistake of going into too many details. They are still kids and could never understand all of it. They don't need to know Dad has a girlfriend or whatever. They will find out soon enough. Is there any chance of you all telling them together ? That would show a united front, and give them some sense of stability. Should you decide to divorce, you can group them all together at that time and go from there. In my experience, the second biggest mistake is talking bad about your spouse. No matter what he has done or not done, he is still their parent, and nothing will change that. I think you should speak with them all together at the same time. This way they will all know that each of them has received the identical set of news.

J., best of luck. You know you can do this. It will be difficult; but, you can overcome. Peace be with you and your family, some day it will be there. Let them all see how strong you are.

R.

J.:

I was faced with this situation in the past. Everyone is different and each situation is different, but I will tell you a little of how I handled it in hopes that it might help you. First, I sat them down and explained to them that it was just going to be us. I did this by myself because their dad was too emotional and I wanted it to be less traumatic (as possible, that is). I let them ask questions and of course they asked why......My answer was this, "I will always tell you the truth. I will never lie to you. But, if you ask me a question that I don't think you need the answer to, then I will tell you that that is simply not something we need to discuss." I got asked why many times and I was always tender with my response and explained that it's just Mommy Daddy stuff and it doesn't mean that either of us are mad at either of you....none of this is your fault.

Ok - I also had what I called "truce talks." My daughter (the oldest and awas just slightly younger than your oldest is now) would get VERY angry sometimes. And, I could tell she had things on her mind. When she got this way, I would sit her down and tell her "truce talk" .... We had defined a truce talk as her being allowed to say whatever was on her mind however she needed to say it without my getting angry or her getting punished. This was VERY helpful in her dealing with it because she didn't have to be afraid of telling me how she feels. Remember -- feelings are feelings -- there is no right or wrong in how a person feels .... the best you can do is try to get them to understand the situation in another way.

And, we did counseling. And, this helped TREMENDOUSLY as well.

I think by the fact that I made my main focus about protecting my children and helping them be "ok", I circumvented so much of the troubles that a lot of divorcing parents go through. My ex-mother-in-law has even told me many times that she is so impressed by how adjusted the children are. Putting them first while they adjust makes a difference and will make your life easier. Later you can transition to having "mommy-time" and stuff like that.

I wish you all the best. ALL the best. And, if you need any advice, believe me when I say I have lots of advice to help you avoid financial pitfalls later. Remember, just because your divorce decree states that the other person is responsible for a "joint" debt, doesn't release you from the responsibility if they default. We are going through this right now with my new husband's ex-wife.....she told my husband that she removed his name from a credit card but didn't....then ran that card alone to over $22,000 (along with a couple other small ones) and then went to a debt consolidation company where they default on everything (including the car loan) to make the creditors work with them. We now have over $50,000 worth of defaulted debt on my husbands credit and his score dropped from 814 to 644. Protect yourself from damage that could be caused to you later.....they were divorced over three years ago and this all happened last summer.

There are some great books out there about kids and divorce. (Since mine was years ago, I'm sure there are newer ones.) I have also been a facilitator at my church with seminars for people "journeying through" divorce. You and your husband should sit down together with the children if at all possible so that they hear you both say they will be loved, safe, etc. My only-child daughter was just under two when we separated and it was important for us (plus it is what the experts say) to see and hear us at the same time. I would say do it all together so all the kids hear the same thing; you might need additional age-appropriate conversations later.

Counseling is very helpful-- for both adults separately and together, and for the kids. (My daughter didn't need it until she turned 7, but it was awesome!)

Talking with someone who has been there is very helpful. Feel free to email me back. (I taught high school for 38 years and talked with bigger kids who were going through family divorces.)

One caveat--kids always think the divorce is their fault. So make sure you tell them it's not their fault regularly, even though they may not believe you.

J., Pray -- Pray and search your heart and you will find they right words for each situation. There are two things I do know and that is 1) There Father will always be their father--really work hard at not saying negative things/ even when your heart may be breaking. It is never good for the Mom or Dad down the line. 2) Esteem your children with all your soul and let them know this it not anything they did--that is really important because children always think they in some way are to blame.

Wishing you the best--K.

I advised my kids that I loved both of them and that the decision wasn't a reflection of them; that we both cared about them. That we would be a better family if mommy and daddy didn't live together.

Also, as a support group, I went to DivorceCare at CBC (Community Bible Church)...there are many churches that hold similar support groups. I liked this because it allowed the kids to discuss their feelings with other children and the adults could contend with their issues among others in similar situations. Also, it was free minus the materials, which was like 15 bucks. My kids and I obtained some great friendships as well as sound advice on how to handle our issues.

A.

Sorry J.. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Have you thought of looking for a divorce support group to find someone who has experienced this and who can give you some suggestions there?

Let me know if you need any help finding a support group.

First of all, both of you need to address this with the kids - don't put it on you only. Just reassure them they are not the problem and that both of you love them and will see and care for them always - homelife will just be different - an adventure awaits them- change is hard but kids adjust better than we think if your prepare them appropriately.

Hello Jess,

I have been a volunteer at adults and youths detention centers in Texas for over 7 years. And I have two sons; 22yrs & 6 months, and two girls; 20yrs & 18yrs that think they rule the world 1/3 of the time. One common tread to both age groups is no one spoke to their children until something bad happened. By then, a pattern of unethical behavior has begun to take root. Please don’t wait to talk to your children. Boys and Girls process information differently, so I would encourage you to speak to them differently as boys and as girls. The girls should be a lot easier to talk to for you; however, if you realize that you are not getting through to the boys, you can ask a male sibling and/or a bother in-law to speak with the boys. Furthermore, it must be someone the boys respect and will listen too or the information will go in one ear and out the other.

Gabe C.

Hello J.-

If it's at all possible I think you and your husband both should be there to talk to your children at the same time. If you're able to talk to your children about this together it will show them that they don't have to choose between mommy and daddy and that you both still love them and you will still work together to be their parents.

I was much older when my parents divorced (I was 19) but I still remember that my mother is the one who told me. Although my mother made every effort not to blame my father and not to speak badly of him, I couldn't help but be angry at him since I saw how badly it hurt my mother but did not get a chance to see how he felt since he is not the one that talked to me about it. I know it would have helped me if they had both been there to tell me.

Good luck,
K.

Hi J., it's me again:) Sounds as though everyone is in agreement for you and your husband to do this together. I think that this is a good thing to do too. What I can tell you is based on my own thoughts when I was told, by mom alone, that they were divorcing. My first thought was that my dad was going to go off, remarry, have another daughter and that I would be replaced. Although, I knew it was in the families best interest and knew that my dad was not a good dad, I was concerned about him going off and just forgetting about us. I think your husband and you need to discuss what needs to be said first, then talk to your children together. This way he can make sure that he does not make any promises, like seeing them every weekend, and not following through. I can't tell you how many times my brothers and I sat in our living room waiting for our dad to show up and then call like 2 hours late and say, maybe next time. Please, do not allow your husband to do this. It hurts to know that dad had better things to do. Anyhow, if he does do this, one remedy is to not even tell the kids. You can still make sure they are ready just by having them dress and say you are going to Walmart or something like that. Then when dad shows up, it is a great surprise. If he never shows up, then the kids are not disappointed and you can go grab that loaf of bread that you needed.

Good luck and let us know how that goes!

two of my children are about to go through this with their dad and step mom. Their father is going to seat them both down and talk to them about it. I know its not the same because they dont live with them nor do they see their dad very much because he is in the army but I think it will be just as hard because they really loved their step mom and she was the only reason why in the past years their father saw them. My daughter is almost 12 and my son is 5. Both my children are going to as so many questions. And he said that he will answer everyone of them as best as he can.

I think you and your husband need to talk with them all together that way all can see that you and him still a team in raising them and that both of you still love them and will be their for all of them. Your two girls may not understand the real facts but it may help if they hear the answers and the questions your little boys are going to ask. They might understand more then what you relize.

I wish you all the luck in the world. If you need guidance I would talk to a professional before ya'll talk to the kids.

Not sure if someone has said this or not, but there is a section at barnes and nobles that have books like this for kids. It's in the children's section. They have a lot of books that help expain, the not so great stuff that happens in life.......Good Luck.

Side note: For those people that are saying to work things out at all costs, my mom left my dad when I was 7 and I feel had she not left him, I and my 3 siblings would have had a very painful and horrible childhood. I know marriage is a great thing, but sometimes divorce is a blessing too, no use beating a dead horse......just my thoughts.

J.,

There's a great book by Gary Smalley that would benefit your situation. "Winning Your Husband Back Before It's Too Late". You can get it from Amazon. Even if the two of you "THINK" you should separate, your marriage can still be saved. Your children are worth the effort!

Rev. Rieley