What Do I Say? - Bloomsburg,PA

I don't have advice, i am in somewhat of the same spot, i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. As long as you (1st), kids and husband are happy.....then forget everyone else! ((hugs))

(I have 4 kids and a disease/meds that make me tired.) If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me :)

Hi, J.:

It is not about you even though she makes comments to you about you.
If you can, just ask her questions about why she thinks you are lazy and keep asking questions about her statements.
Then ask her how she feels about what she is saying.

Ask her what it is she needs from you.

Hang in there. some people just need to vent.
Good luck.
D.

no advice. i don't have MS, but have other things which make me not want to get up in the morning or do anything. yet i force myself. i could do a whole lot more being young, but i can't. i also don't make any excuses. i think you should ignore the crazy woman's comments.

Print out the information regarding your condition, including the non-visible symptoms, and hand them to her next time she says anything...

guess it wouldn't hurt to hand a copy to your husband to, and depending on how old the kids are...etc...

I have fatigue problems as well (heart condition) and my family has a hard time when I say I am tired... I know the feeling, you are not alone!

Sweety your mother in law needs to shut it. You just described my life minus the MS. I am pregnant and sick, but hubby is always working and Im taking care of two kids a lot on my own, trust me, every free minute I have is not spent mopping floors or doing laundry. If your MIL has such a problem with it, maybe SHE can come over and do your laundry.

For years before my father was diagnosed with MS, he would do exactly as you do- he would need to stop and rest often, cannot physically and immunologically be out in extreme heat or cold and besides the dishes where he can lean on the counter and sink, housework is out of the question. A lot, and I mean a lot, of people made the assumption that he was lazy (and that has NEVER been the case!) and voiced it to others in the family, if not my father and mother, and he DOES have outward symptoms.

Luckily, once his diagnosis (he ended up in the ER because he bacame temporarily paralyzed) was made and my mom and dad started educating the family, they felt really bad and became so much more supportive.

You telling your MIL about your limitations won't help. Instead, drag her to your next MS doctor's visit and let HIM educate her on how assinine she is to make comments when she does not understand the symptoms of each of the four types of MS.

And just an afterthough....what does your husband think of all this? Does he REALLY get it or is she poisining him too? Why is he not telling his mom to piss off?

I wish you the best, rest when you can, and don't worry about some uninformed hag. Tell her if it bothers her so bad then she can do your laundry (I know my dad would NEVER make it down the 10 steps it takes to get to our laundry room, let alone back up!).

Until she gets her head out of her @$$ and your buisness, I send you ((HUGS))!!!

Having four kids is tiring itself, then add a medical condition on top of it? She needs to mind her own business. I would first talk to your husband and let him know it hurts you when his mother says things to you. Maybe he can talk to her. Next time she says something I would just say, I would appreciate it if you would not make comments like that about me. Leave it at that. You do not have to explain yourself to her.

I'm not sure of the age of your children but I would assign chores to them. My oldest two (ages 4 and 6) help put their own laundry away and even help fold the clothes some times. It may not look perfect or up to my standards but they actually enjoy helping. They also are responsible for keeping their rooms clean, making their bed and keeping their bathroom clean. The love to help dust. I give them both a Swiffer and they love it!

I don't have MS and my house gets messy! If your MIL doesn't like it -let her know she can always help. She does know you have MS, doesn't she? If not, I would tell her and let her know that ANYONE with 4 kids is going to have a pretty messy house, but particulary because you have MS, you often don't feel like cleaning. I have to say, if she came into my house and told me I was lazy, I would tell her, "Well, obviously you are too since I don't see you doing anything about it."

Wow, I'm amazed (okay so maybe not, in-laws can be like that) that she would blatantly call you lazy. She sounds like one rude lady.

I agree with Leslie. Print out the into, or get pamphlets from your doctor's office. The pamphlets might even be better because they look more official ;). Hand them to her next time she wants to open her mouth or tell her she can always hire and pay for a house keeper for you. I'd honestly have a hard time letting her into my home if she was going to be like that though.

I really hope your husband helps. MS or not, 4 kids are a lot and you deserve help with them.

Tell her to mind her own business. If she has the audacity to call you lazy, then you have every right to tell her you don't need her opinion. If she doesn't know about the disease and you feel so inclined to tell her about it, then great! If not, you owe her nothing! I am apalled that she would insult you in such a way. MS or not, you have every right in this world to be tired. 4 kids, a husband, and a house full of chores would make anyone tired. DO NOT feel bad. Are your kids old enough to start helping you with chores? Just curious...
Good luck with this. I can empathize. My MIL has a way with words too=-) God bless and GET SOME REST!!!!!

I have MS, two kids under 2 and believe me I totally understand where you are coming from with the fatigue. I too haven't had any physical symptoms in about 6 yrs (BTW my dr thinks I'm self medicating =pregnancy + nursing) but anyway. I just wanted to share that I think most people who are even somewhat versed on MS forget about the fatigue part.

I remember with my first attack my husband would always ask my Dr. 'why is she so tired all the time' , and yrs later I still get that from him. I have to remind him fatigue is very much a symptom of MS just as the numbness, coordination, gait problems I had!! Maybe somehow your husband can remind her that fatigue is a symptom of your MS.

Otherwise I know its easier said than done, I'd try to let it go in one ear and out the other. If I did get enough courage to say something I'd probably say something that would come across really "short", like "yup that's what happens when you have 4 kids and a disease like MS" kind of hard to keep up when I can barely get through the day doing the basics"...

Good luck I hope you know you're not alone :)

4 kids for anyone would make anyone tired. I have two and there are days that after running around after them I'm tired. The fact that you can do with with your medical issues is amazing. Maybe you should have a talk face to face with her and see if she can understand better what your going through. If she still is being inconsiderate about it maybe just don't invite her around as ofter so she won't see your house messy and make those comments. Either this or tell her if the messy house bothers her maybe she can come give you a hand now and again. 8-) good luck. I feel for you. I have inlaws that haven't been too kind to me in the past too.

You already have some great responses here, but I think that verbally responding to your MIL might not get the desired reaction. Unless you are extremely comfortable with confrontation, and from the sounds of it, I think not, or you would have by now, I have learned in life it is better to completely ignore and disengage from negative, critical people. Physically turn your head, your shoulder, away from them when they send s/t non-supportive in your direction.

Your husband also needs to totally stand up for you in front of her by assertively reminding her of your physical needs and limitations. It is more important to have healthy, loved children in the midst of chaos rather than neglected, lonely children in the midst of clean if those are your only options to stay on top of it all.

I say this from personal experience, although I do not have MS, I was terribly injured and bedridden in a hit and run accident, and needless to say the housework was last. And with all the medical bills mounting hiring help was not affordable. My MIL never ONCE helped me or her grand children. She and grandpa had plenty of energy to take the bus to the casinos from Leisure World, but watch our kids for us - no way. I am beyond the anger and now see her for who she is. I completely stopped investing time into them and because the returns were zip. I started investing time with friends in the community and guess who helps me now??? Friends I've made from that change.

Invite mother in law to come over and show you how to do it or physically help in some kind of way. If she isn't willing to do that then you can request for her to either help you physically or just keep her mouth shut.

If you have any bold friends, have them speak up for you if you are too shy, embarrassed or timid to do it yourself. She apparently has no problem offending you.

Really husband should be standing up for you after all you have given him 4 babies not his momma besides you come with other fringe benefits momma doesn't either so work those things to your advantage and see if you can get her and him on your side even if she doesn't know your condition. In the meantime and between time, get some help around the house. Let hubby deal with the laundry or hire a teen to come in and handle that once a week.

Dear Jaime,
I am so sorry about your MS. We have several friends with this. It is awful! It sounds like you are doing very well, overall. What does your husband say? Does he support you? I would just refer your MIL's attacks to him. Let him defend you. You DO need to rest. I'm sure it is hurtful to you that people don't have a clue what is going on in your body. But, try to ignore them and take care of you for your family's sake. It sounds like you MIL is truly ignorant about your diagnosis. She might understand that you have MS, but she probably doesn't understand what it is and what it does to a body. I pray for strength for you!

I haven't read the other responses, so I'm sorry if this is a repeat. First of all, ignore your mother in law. She's making you feel bad, but honestly, she's the bad one here. I can't imagine not being supportive of a daughter in law with four children and MS! Horrible. Also, whenever she makes a comment that you're being lazy, I would retort with something like "my house may be messy, but I'm saving up my energy so that I can be a kind and loving mother for my kids. That's my first priority." The implication there can stand alone.

Secondly, make your husband stand up for you. If he won't, then you need to talk to him about that. He simply has to tell his mother that you are a great mother/wife/etc and if his mother doesn't like it she can come and help out.

If these things don't get the point across, I would probably take to emailing her articles about MS. A kind of "look at all the new research they're doing!" kind of way, but so that she can really see that MS isn't a joke.

I wish you the best of luck.

I have MS as well. I am apalled at the fact that your mother thinks you are being "lazy". People, when I tell them I have MS, they say "Oh, you look so good". No kidding, but sometimes I feel SO TIRED!!! What a blessing to have 4 children. Remind your mother that MS is a condition that can not be "seen" but FELT (deeply) by the person with the condition. Just ask her to be a little more sensitive, if possible. I am a straight shooter, myself, but have definitely written down what I want to say to someone for fear of getting emotional and choked up-and then being able to communicate to them what I really need. You may be surpised! Good luck!

Well if you want to make one point tell her to shove it, or you could invite her to a doctor's appointment so she can hear it strait from him/her and then can be given ways to support and assist you in this matter.
My dad thought my sister was lying when she told him about her 1st stage parkinson's disease (think michael j fox) in her early 30's and thought the same thing(s) of her, then she took him and his wife (not our mother) to an appointment to see the doctor ... his mind changed and so did his attitude.

Bless you for your dtrength! I too have MS and just had my first child at 40. I work full time, and it does get frustrating because sometimes the need to rest is huge. My husband is pretty good about it. IGNORE HIS MOTHER AND ANYONE ELSE WHO DARES TO SAY YOU ARE LAZY. People do not understand this disease, and you do not have to make them understand it. It take a lot of time to find peace with it -- I struggled for the first 5 or 6 years -- but once you do you know that you are the strong one and everyone else does not matter! Really!

I don't have time today to read all the responses so I apologize in advance if this is a repeat, but let me throw in my two cents.
1. Your HUSBAND needs to stand up - be a man and put his mom in her place. It's his mom, and he needs to be on your side with this one. If necessary, he should tell her not to visit if her visits are causing you additional stress. He should be your biggest advocate.
2. I was tired with 2 kids - I can't even imagine 4. Can you afford to hire some help? There are lots of high school kids out there who are looking for work and would probably love to earn some additional $$ by doing some of the things that you can't keep up with.

Good luck!

I have read many of the responses, but not all, so I might be repeating someone. I suggest that your husband (and/or you) sit down with your MIL and explain MS and its symptoms one last time. Then you give her two options: If she doesn't like the mess she can 1) keep her mouth shut and keep her opinions to herself because it makes you feel bad or 2) pitch in and help because you don't like the mess either. After that, give her a consequence or two. If she says you are lazy again, then ______. Fill in the blank with something such as "you are prohibited from visiting with our family". Just be sure that it is something you can follow through with.
Whatever you decide to do, just make you and your family the top priority.

p.s. It wasn't until I was re-reading this, that a thought occurred to me... "Hey, it sounds like I'm talking to my 3 yr old." However, that is not how it was intended. ;-)

I agree with the other posters that your MIL needs to be educated about what MS is all about. I have a son with autism and when I talk to people about it, they act like they understand what it is, but as we get further into the conversation, it become clear that they have heard about autism but they haven't the faintest clue of what it is really all about.

Hi J., two thoughts, first your husband knows the truth and prayfully he defends you, second I would just tell her what's going on if she does not already know, she may surprise you and pitch in and help. And honestly J. you know the truth, and if you wish not to disclose your situation then let the fact that you know the truth be enough. Have a great day. J.

HE needs to call his mother out.

This is a phrase I like, "Mom, I want you to stop being rude to my wife."

Period. The end.

Good luck!

That's just ignorant, your hubby needs to tell his mom to back off.

you should certainly tell her about your medical issue. Also tell her how she can help. Like if you know she is coming over. Ask her to pick up things on her way. You can pay her for them once she gets to your house.

That also will buy you some time to clean an area so she can see your not lazy.

One important job for a wife and mom is not to think you must do it all yourself. Delegate a few things. You have a house full of people who can help.

Also here is a lovely website to help with cleaning idea www.flylady.com

I agree that you should print out the not so visible symptoms to make it easier for others to understand. Sometimes it's a way to educate others I think.

I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. Most people have no clue that there are more sleep disorders out there other than Insomnia, Apnea, or Narcolepsy. There are many more. It's quite difficult to explain to people that all your life you feel like sleeping every minute of the day... Yet there's no explanation as to why. Even Doctors don't completely understand why some people have these sleep disorders, but still treat and investigate them.

So, I take the opportunity to teach people about other sleep disorders like mine. Trust me, I even have to remind my husband sometimes that I'm not just being lazy and go into explanation again. People have called me lazy, a party pooper, depressed, rude... Until I teach them about my issue, they don't understand it. As I'm sure that if your mother in law ever knew anyone else close to her that had to deal with MS, she may have learned something about it by now... But until you... She likely hasn't.

Good luck!

I don't have ms, and my house gets messy, my laundry is behind even as I type this! Sometimes there are things more important in life than a spotless floor. If your mil is saying rude things, ask your husband to speak with her about it, or if you can, ignore her, but I know that can be hard sometimes.

tell her to hush unless she's going to come do the work for you

Mother in laws are the worst. Mine is anyway. I almost lost my 3rd baby due to the stress mine caused me in the final month of my high risk pregnancy when she thought I was lazy and let me wait on them as guests when my husband wasn't home-extra dishes, extra meals-yes, I ignored them and stayed laying down a lot, but still overextended muyself and ended up in a mad dash early delivery emergency c-section. All came out well. BUT, my BIGGEST regret was NOT standing up to her ENOUGH. Subtlety is totally lost on her always, and I did't think I was being subtle.

You need to speak up to her that no one calls you lazy in your house. You need your husband to stick up for you too. If there are challenges in making this happen, that's one thing you have to conquer, because that is what has to happen. If she is there to help, that doesn't mean you have no rights. Mine was there "to help" too, but she was killing me.

MIL: "You're lazy."
YOU: "I realize you are over stressed here, and I wish I didn't feel so exhausted and need to rest, but I do. If you have a problem with it, please leave, because I'd rather have the chores pile up and do them at my own pace than listen to your negativity."

You HAVE TO SPEAK UP. It's stressful, but the stress of not speaking up will make your condition worse. My step sister has MS. Her saving grace is her amazing supportive husband and family. Get these people in shape.
Blessings to you, you shouldn't have to deal with this, but you do, be strong!

I know exactly how you feel. I have cystic fibrosis and anemia, and it's almost impossible to do every day tasks. I am constantly exhausted (I need about 13 hours of sleep to feel refreshed, and that's almost impossible) and get dizzy all of the time. I'm going into coughing fits and need to sit down all of the time. I even had to quit my job and drop out of school for extended hospital stays because of it. People think I'm exaggerating my symptoms and I'm being lazy. But no one can know what it feels like until they're in your situation. I can't believe you MIL knows about your diagnosis and still comments that you're lazy. I'm a confrontational person, and would probably start an argument and never talk to her again lol but since she is your MIL, talk to your husband about it.

J.,
I understand what you are going through. I had an aunt with MS. People don't understand because the symptoms are not always visible. My aunt could be in a wheel chair or walking with a cane one day and walking effortlessly at other times.

Stress is a big trigger for people with MS so you don't need the extra stress from your MIL. Maybe give her a pamphlet so she knows what you are dealing with or stop inviting her over. Ignore her comments (although it's difficult). If she really cared, she would help out and not complain.

I agree 4 kids will make anyone tired. Tell your MIL to shove it where the sun don't shine because your not putting up with her rudeness anymore. Tell her she's not welcome over anymore if she can't treat you with the respect you deserve. Hugs

Hi J.,
I have a Uncle and a cousin who have MS and have watched what they have to go through so I can't believe your MIL is so rude. Maybe you should send her some information about MS in the mail and tell her to talk to you after she reads it. Usually with MS your vision and fatigue are the main things that bother you. As long as your husband and children are ok don't worry about your MIL. If you are on the phone with her tell her your busy being lazy and will call her back later. Good luck!!!

Why is she so insensitive? Doesn't she know of your diagnosis?
You could let her know you would welcome a little help. ((wink, wink))

My mother has MS - relapsing/remitting. She has been on medication (Copaxone) through Shared Solutions which has worked wonderfully.
I see that the MS takes its toll. She gets tired and still has problems with her vision.
What's important is that Life is Short. I am glad we all know + are able to be supportive. Aside from your MIL, what/whose opinion is weighing on your mind? I'm sure I'm not the first to say this to you, but worrying is not healthy (especially for you). So the laundry piles up, so your house may need vacuuming - are these things going with you in the end? Enjoy your time, enjoy your life. Tackle things in small quantities. Have you thought about asking for help? Really, there are groups, programs + family members that can help you + be supportive.
Good Luck and make each day count!!!

Say, "Have you ever heard the saying, If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?---Can you please abide by this rule when around me, thanks!" And then get it printed and framed and hang it on the front door and give her one for Christmas. Also look up explanations for MS that include the symptoms and print it out and hand it to her. If she doesn't stop after all this, distance yourself from this woman as much as possible and definitely have your hubby speak to her about this rude behavior. It is understandable for you to be tired, can the kids and hubby keep up with the house work? Can you get a cleaning lady once a week or two to lend a hand? Not for MIL's sake, but for your own---you need to take care of yourself! All the best.

Say? Why say anything? In this situation, it doesn't sound like saying something will change anything for the better. Some people need to put others down to feel better about themselves. You sound like you are doing a great job as a mom (I'm doing no better with only two kids, a house and a husband).

I think that the more important thing is helping you to feel better about yourself so that you can let the opinions of others just roll off your back. Are you sensitive to comments that relate specifically to your illness or do you have high expectations of yourself in all areas of your life? I am the latter, so I know how hard it is not to take any criticism personally, even if it is unfounded. However, you need to make sure that you are balancing your physical limits with what you're trying to accomplish (avoiding the supermom to-do list). I will keep you in my prayers - your most important responsibility as a wife and mother is to keep yourself healthy ;)

It may be that your MIL is one of those people who are never satisfied and if you were a whirlwind with the housework then she'd find fault with how much time you spend with your kids. There would always be something.

If you're doing the best you can, peace out.
And my best wishes for your health.

My mother-in-law always says, "Your opinion of me is none of my business." Said with a smile and a cheerful attitude will shut down even the rudest people. I saw it happen when my MIL said this to my mom who was being horrid to her. Worked like a charm!

I agree with all the previous posters who say your husband needs to stand up for you and set her in her place. My husband has done this for me many times and, again, it works like a charm. My mom is very respectful of me now!

Good luck.

I have MS too - was diagnosed about a year ago. And I have 3 kids. It can be so hard. I think it is very hard for people to realize the depth of the fatigue, even those who love us and support us, especially as there is no outward physical clue. We look normal and are expected to act accordingly.
You need to have your husband talk to your MIL. Stress is very bad for those of us with MS. The minute I get worked up about anything the numbness in my feet starts moving up my legs. Being around someone aggravating you all the time like that could bring on an attack.
Anyway, I totally understand where you're coming from. Stay strong, rest up whenever you need to and avoid the MIL stress so you can be as healthy as you can be for as long as possible for your family.
By the way, have you researched CCSVI for MS? I just had angioplasty for my CCSVI about a month ago and it has really helped with my fatigue (that's why I'm typing now instead of already being asleep!!!) . Good Luck with everything!

Does your MIL know about your diagnosis?

I don't really have an answer for you, but wanted to offer my condolences that you have such an ignorant MIL. You are amazing for being able to have four kids with ms. Maybe you could google some info for her so she could understand how serious your condition is?

Take care of yourself and your immediate family. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in your situation. I can barely keep with my 2 kids and the house without any medical issues in the mix. You have plenty of good advice here, I just wanted to offer my support.