What Do I Do??? - Arlington,TX

It may sound trite, but have you tried sitting down and talking to him? He is at a crucial age where he is confused and probably doesn't even know why he is acting up. You mention that you are raising him, so he must have some issues relating to that. If he won't let you listen, then maybe you have a male friend you trust that you think he can bond with? Older, respectable teen?

I agree with the others, start with the counselor at school and his teachers.
Is this a new school? Is he having trouble making friends?
Try to get him involved in the activities school has to offer. Does he play any sports, is he interested in band or orchestra, drama, chorus?
Be very firm on the rules you intend not to be broken, curfew, drugs, alcohol. If his room isn't meticulous then is it really your issue? PIck your battles wisely.
12 year old boys are just as emotional as 12 year old girls. His life may have just been turned upside down to live with you.
If needed get him some professional counseling

#1 step - counseling for him. #2 - parenting class for you. Do read: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk. (The link listed by another mom to this book is not working - perhaps missing the word "to"). I'd also recommend signing up for the next "Love and Logic" parenting class offered by the school district. It teaches you that "grounding" doesn't really work as a punishment because it is not a "natural" consequence; it takes the focus off the kid's poor choice, and puts the focus on his anger towards you for the punishment. For every poor choice made by a child, there is a natural consequence - for which you are not the cause, but a sympathetic bystander saying, "Awww. That's too bad that you have to stay after school again. You will miss the bus. How are you going to get home?" Parents should learn to let the natural consequence be the "punishment" and resist the temptation to rescue the child. Ex: If a child is failing a course, a natural consequence would be the possibility of summer school. Most parents would meet with the teacher & try to "rescue" the child from summer school by asking the teacher what work the child could do to bring up his/her grade. The kid will do the extra work, bring up the grade, but what did he learn? - - "I don't have to try hard, because someone will rescue me." A "love & logic" parent will let the natural consequences fall where they may, but show sincere sympathy: "Wow. I see you're failing this class. If your grade stays this low, you might have to be in summer school. Oooh, ouch! . . . going back to school in the summer while your friends are swimming . . . skateboarding" . . . (or whatever activity) . . . "That would be a huge bummer! I wouldn't want to be stuck in a classroom all summer." I attended Love & Logic classes 2 times and used it to raise 4 kids. Last spring, I had to say these words to my third-born child: "Wow. You realize that if your grade stays this low, you may not graduate on time. You won't get to walk across the stage with your friends and get your diploma in June . . . Do they even offer this class in summer school? But that's OK if they don't . . . You can stay here at home another year and finish up by next December." After hearing these words, my child brought his grade up - - all on his own. He graduated knowing HE had earned it with HIS hard work. #3 step - does your cousin have any after-school friends in the neighborhood?? If not, sign him up for tae-kwan-do, or wrestling, or boxing, or rugby, or lacrosse. Find a sport with male teachers who demand RESPECT.

What a generous and heroic thing you are doing.

I strongly recommend the wise and useful techniques in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can learn how your cousin can consider the problem himself and help propose his own solutions. Hearing his issues with compassion is the starting point for this approach. Once a child feels that an adult is on his side, he is usually much more willing to cooperate.

You can read part of this wonderful parent-workshop-between-covers here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081.... I hope you'll be impressed with the possibilities.

Make an appointment with the school counselor. They don't want to have kids repeatedly in trouble at school-- they want to HELP. The dean is probably who is calling you because it's their job to keep tabs on discipline, but the counselor can help you.

Hi J.,

When I work with parents, (I'm a parent coach), I try to get them to put themselves in the child's place. During your short description, it sounds like your cousin has family troubles. When a child cannot rely on their family, meaning Mom/Dad, they think they cannot rely on anyone, and they develop a tough exterior to deal with the pain losing Mom/ Dad causes, (generally).

If this is the case, your cousin needs help to talk out his feelings, to learn to trust you as his support and to manage his anger/feelings. I would start at the school, they will either have programs for you to attend OR can direct you in a good direction.

I would also open a door of communication with him. Just start by telling him you're here to listen. If you had a similar experience, try to tell him how you can relate, if not, ask him what he's feeling. Let him know he can talk when he needs to, but don't force it. Additionally, don't get angry by what he says, it may be hurtful. I tell parents, that feelings are not good or bad, because that is the truth for the child at that moment. As we all know, feelings can change.

I hope this helps

R. Magby

J.,
He probably is having a hard time adjusting since he is not with his immediate family. I would recommend that you talk to the counselor at school. He/she could help you find resources to help you. You may want to do some family counseling.
Good luck to you and God bless you for what you are doing for him.
Victoria

I agree with the other moms that he may require a counselor to talk to so that you can get to the bottom of why he is acting out. A counselor can be less intimidating than a close family member for kids to open up to, and it might help for him as 12 is a hard age for any child.

I tried the whole "taking things away", and for some kids it does just not work. They will find something else to entertain themselves with, even if it is the dreading "reading a book" haha.
What worked for me??
M O N E Y
I gave him an allowance, and DOCKED his "pay" for infractions. Seriously, I'd dock him .25 cents for not shutting the shower curtain. And so on and so on.
IT WORKED.
Unconventional parenting at it's finest :)

J.,
Without knowing why he is living with you I would say he probably has issues from what has gone on to put him in your care. I would say talk to the councelor at school and get him in to see someone. Is he fighting at school? Kids that age also have hormones going crazy and that can be the cause sometimes too. If it were me I would sit down with just him and I and ask if there is anything he wants to talk about or what is bothering him. Tell him you are going to take him to talk to someone that is there to listen and to help him. Good Luck.
Kay

I have to agree again with counseling...if he's your cousin and you're raising him, I am sure he probably has some abandonment issues from his biological mom/dad, etc. If you are really willing to work towards a better place, the school will bend over backwards to help you. Make yourself available, visible and known to all his teachers and principals. Mostly likely his school has some sort of someone, a counselor, social worker, someone that can probably talk to you and maybe set up some meetings with him and that wouldn't cost anything out of pocket. If he's on your health insurance, look into what options you have there for individual and/or family counseling.

As far as grounding and taking things away, I think the deeper issue is that he wants attention, love, to be noticed...something??! I know it is probably so hard to stay positive day after day, but I believe that if he knows that you are there for him and are willing to provide both consequences when he screws up and love and support no matter what, he will probably stop getting into trouble. BUT...this is hard to do when you're on your own, so I go back to saying to get some help and look into couseling. Also, maybe he can apply for a Big Brother through the Big Brothers/Sisters program? That might be an option too and I think that is also free of charge.

Good luck and good for you for wanting to take charge!

Hi J., sounds like you've been given some good advice. I just want to add a couple of things. Several years ago we had a foster son. We did the counseling and just about anything you can think of. The main problem he had finally came out as he was going to another home. He thought that if he did things to make hisself more unloveable then he would'nt have to love us. He said that if his Mom & dad gave him away because they didn't love him then why should any one love him. When things would start going well as a family he could only last a week or 10 days then he would do something either at school or at home to get in trouble. Constantly pushing us away so he wouldn't have to be worth loving. I think you sould try getting him to write down what happened including what he was thinking and feeling then discuss the report with you. Maybe he can understand his self better & might help you. Also talk about what he thinks his punishment should be give him some choices let him feel like he has a voice in the household not an outsider. Good luck to you both & God Bless.

I so remember this... First you have to gett him counseling from he school they will get him evaluated or should i say they can help.... sometimes it is that it is hard to understand why they are living where they are ro going through the rough stage in life. Sports also helped me. My son was tested for HDAD/ADD and it was really heard for me to understand all of this... but finally understood that they can not help it... sometimes just spending that extra timewith him might help... if other kids are involved... there is alot to take into consideration. Start with the school to seek advice. Good luck... not sure if all of this makes sense or will help but good luck.....

The best thing you can do is several things.
Get him into a good Church where there are kids his age. Ask if the Church has a Youth Group leader. Bigger Churches usually do. And take him! It might take a few weeks 6-8 till he feels comfortable.

Get Him into Sports! Playing Football or Basebally or Soccor or Basketball at the school or in a City Program will do wonders for his self esteeem. HE NEEDS THIS! MOST BOYS DO! Sports changed my sons life!!

Take him to MHMR and see if he has any issues, He could be Bi Polar, or Depressed, or have ADHD! Call your city Health office, its very cheap and almost free.
Get into counseling if you can. If he came from a "HARD PLACE" he may have pent up anger, fear, saddness, low feelings of self worth etc.
Try to take him places where he can be a kid.
Camping is great, Boy Scouts is even better. Where the pressure of being "COOL" is gone. Schools are brreding grounds now for bad behavior, Gangs, etc...
He needs to feel a part of something and getting into trouble might mean hes trying to be COOL with the BAD KIDS.

Church, Sports, Dr. and Counseling.
Also, Get a big Chalk board or Dry Erase board and write up the house Rules.
Such as Lay out your clothes the night before.
Make your Bed when you get up.
Brush your teeth,
Put your dirty clothes in the hamper.
help set the table.
Do homework when you come home from school.
No Video games till 8-9 pm.
Say Yes Ma'am and yes sir
Keep your hands to yourself.
Help mow the grass on weekends, etc.
No backtalking.
No swearing or bad language.
No friends over unless you ask first. etc.

Give him an allowance of $12 a week for a $12 year old if he follows the rules if he breaks them. he gets nothing.
Give him extra $ to wash the car, or to help you with bigger chores.
Folding laundry etc.
Think of what the MIlitary does to young men and women when they go in.
They have rules, they have to Earn rewards, and they learn to take pride in their appearnce keep their rooms clean etc..
Of course give him lots of hugs and love too.
He nees God, Sports, Friends, Rules and Boundaires and Love.
I wish you well! Keep us posted

Have you tried getting in touch with a counselor/psychologist/ Some of them charge according to your income. I would check with my pastor, priest or family doctor -- they might be able to suggest someone or maybe they could help--he may have some anger issues with his birth parents and just does not know how to get that out. I wish you luck and you are a very good aunt/uncle for taking on this child in need. I see that you have been given some very good advice by some of the other Moms// Sincerely, J