What Am I? a Bed and Breakfast??

Wow, seriously? Please take a moment to read your own post because you answered your own question! Why is she treating your house like a bed and breakfast? BECAUSE YOU ALLOW HER TO! You said it yourself that you would not have been allowed to do this at her age, so why are you allowing it and then complaining about it?? You are the parent! Don't like it, then put a stop to it! Where is she going from 3 to 8? To an unsupervised house? What does the boyfriend do for dinner? If his family is allowing her to join them for their dinner all this time, then you should be allowing him to join in your family dinner now and then to be fair. My 12 year old comes home from school starving but he isn't allowed to have a full mini-meal/early dinner when he walks in the door, just a snack, so that he'll still be a bit hungry when we sit down for our family dinner.

Your daughter is treating your home as a bed and breakfast because you allow it.

My oldest daughter is 15 (no boyfriend, but friends who are boys), but I have none of the problems you described. She's a A/B student taking 4 honors classes. Sometimes she hangs out after school with some friends (supervised by the band teacher). She comes home, does homework, and chores. When I come home from work (hubby works most evenings), we sit down and eat dinner as a family. After dinner dishes are done, then it's time for friends. Ocassionally we have a friend for dinner, her friends seem to enjoy having dinner with us. It seems with such busy schedules of sports, clubs, music, dance, etc. that many families don't have the opportunity to eat together as often as they like. Our activities don't start until 6:00.

It's not common for 16 year old to come and go as they please. My daughter's friends (one is 16, most are 15) ask their parents permission. Tell her no boyfriend until after homework, chores and dinner. Maybe you should invite the boyfriend over for dinner ocassionally.

CONGRATULATIONS on making a tough decision and "laying down the law". You summed it up best, it's about balance. Good luck.

When I was a teenager I knew a lot of kids like this, it all comes down to who could get away with it really. Kids will go out with their friends every day if they can, who wants to stay home (that's boring). Honestly even straight A students can hang out with the wrong crowd and eventually go downhill. Being out 3-8 every day with her friends is a whole lot of time to do teenage things... I think you need to come up with some chores that she absolutely has to do when she comes home from school to keep her busy. Tell her she has to eat dinner with the family at least so many nights a week (3-4 maybe?). Set some rules and stick to them. Make her clean up after herself. She needs to learn this now before its too late.

As far as the eating after school, I remember being absolutely starving by the time I got home from school and raiding the fridge too. We used to eat lunch ridiculously early like 10am or something, so by 3pm I was starving. Maybe you could pack some snacks or something that she could eat during the day, not that schools ever let you eat, but that would help her not be so ravenously hungry after school. Teenagers just need a lot of food.

At that age, you gotta have rules.
Not letting her just do her own scheduling for socializing.
If that were me, at that age, my parents would not put up with it.

A 16 year old... with a boyfriend, is not an adult, making those same choices. The human brain is not even fully developed until 26 years old.
And what about her homework? And household responsibilities/chores?
If she has none of those criteria for being a PART of the family, then yes, you are a bed and breakfast.

Next, where is your Husband in all of this? He AND you have to create a set or rules of conduct and expectations. She is way old enough for that.

It doesn't matter if she is a straight-A student or not... she is a part of the family, and there are obligations to that, and to her parents. Regardless.

I think, the leash is too loose. Not that "family" is a "leash"... but you know what I mean.

You AND Hubby sit down, and talk to her. It being not a "punishment' but it being HER responsibilities and familial task to have the family as a "priority" TOO.
And, yes, your 13 year old. Whatever happens now, will be a precedent... and the 13 year old will probably regurgitate to you, whatever you "allowed" your 16 year old to do, or not. So, wrangling that.

And so it seems she can come home whenever she wants. And go out whenever she wants. And hang out with Boyfriend whenever she wants. And do whatever she wants. She's like a "tenant." But does not pay rent. Wow!
What about curfews? What about designating certain days/nights she can see boyfriend? What about designating certain nights she has to have dinner AT home? What about chores? Designating that too, and a host of other parameters.

Its not about "controlling" her, but how to be a part of the family.... and her being respectful of that... she can do her things... but there needs to be a bottom line, right?

AND the most common sense thing to me would be: WHY can't Boyfriend come over to your house TOO, to hang out with your daughter?????????
AND what the heck does your daughter/Boyfriend do at his house????? Do you even know? Do they hang out in his bedroom? What are the "rules" there for opposite sex hanging out???? Or do they even hang out at his house? Or do they then go out elsewhere, and do you KNOW where she is or what they are doing????

Does she know about sex and birth control, for example?
What is their "relationship" like? Do you know? Does she tell you????

Also, at 3:00 in the afternoon, most parents aren't even home themselves, from work (if both parents work).... so um, until the boy's parents comes home... your girl AND that Boyfriend, are basically BY THEMSELVES....???? Doing what? I don't think its just sitting in the living room watching TV until 9:00pm....

Also, your daughter should be ASKING permission, to go out. Not just coming and going...

all the best,
Susan

The first thing I thought about when I read your question is: are the boyfriend's parents at home or at work when they get out of school? Is that why they spend so much time together during the school week?

I agree with you and the other replies that you are setting a precident with the rules for your younger daughter. Maybe invite the boyfriend over to hang out with her at your house and share dinner with your family sometime. Maybe you can put her in charge of planning and making dinner one day a week or a month - something to keep her mind off not being with her boyfriend and either giving you a little break or some quality time together with your daughter.

Best Wishes!

I would say to let her know how you feel and that family is very important to her and you guys miss the dinner time together- she may not appreciate you right off the bat for sticking to your guns, but deep inside she knows it is the right thing and will appreciate that you made that decision for her and the family0 although she is 16, she still looks for you to guide her.

There's actual research showing that family dinners are incredibly important, both in keeping family members in touch with each other, and in supporting academic success. While your daughter's preferred activity is completely normal, and once in awhile would not be harmful, your discomfort is warranted, and I'd let my daughter know, lovingly, that I expect her to arrange her evenings around dinner with the family.

Limits are still important, though I would look for ways to give her more choices as she gets older. That way she won't become distressed or feel trapped by your rules, and is less likely to rebel. My mother gave me almost NO freedom to make my own decisions until I moved out – to get married and ESCAPE her control – and so instead of making a few small mistakes as I grew up, I made a number of huge mistakes as a young adult. The marriage being the first.

Good luck. It sounds like you're doing something right!

I think you have everything under control. Growing up, it was a given requirement that we all had to eat at the table for every single meal made in the house, every single day. If we didn't like it, my dad would tell us it was his roof, his rules, don't like it? Get out. After dinner, we had the freedom to watch TV, make phone calls, go online, whatever. My parents were much stricter than you are, they wouldn't let me leave the house on weekdays and on weekends, they wanted me home by 12, even though I was in my mid-20s, so I think giving your daughter 2 days of the week for having a social life without including the family is more than fair. It's like a kid who wants ice cream -- you tell the kid he must first eat his dinner before he can have his ice cream, except in your case your daughter needs to eat with you, do chores, etc. before she can go out and hang out with her boyfriend. I am glad she was so receptive to your new rules, as some teens can get very rebellious and mean when rules are set. It may be a good idea to invite the boyfriend over for dinner on occasion so he can share in the experience, you can learn more about him, and supervise his time with your daughter. Good luck and be thankful you have such a hard-working, responsible, caring daughter who listens to you and makes you proud.

.

She is the child- you are the parent. Forgive me, but it sounds like you're letting her set her own rules. I'm sure she's a good kid- and I appreciate the fact that you're trying not to sit on her... but staying out till 8-9 o'clock every night on a school night is a lot of freedom for a kid that age. I say make rules for school night that YOU are comfortable with and stick to them. (including family dinner time). After all, it's for her own good- and you're right--- little sister is watching and taking notes!
(I have a 16 and 19 year old- so I know what you're going through!!!)
Good luck! : )

I have three daughters 12, 15, and 16. They eat everything at 3pm. I do not allow them to miss dinner unless it a sport or school event. Nor did I allow their older brother to miss it when he was in the house.
He now misses dinner. He is in the Navy
TEll her the rules have changed. INvite boyfriend over and have dinner at a regular time every night. Ours is 5:45. Say a grace and make it an enjoyable time. You're still the adult.

Let me start out by saying there have been numerous straight A, honor roll, responsible and intelligent girls that have become pregnant by boys that have the same qualities and come from good families, even when their parents thought they had everything under control and rules in place to avoid this. Infatuation, love whatever category a young lady of 16 puts her relationship in can lead to adult situations. You sound like your trying to be a new age parent, letting your daughter make some of her own decisions, but maybe this particular decision should be made by an adult. I have a daughter and she will not at the age of 16 have the option to miss dinner with her family and definitely not be allowed to spend 3 to 4 hours daily with him even with his parents around or hanging out anywhere for that amount of time during the week or weekend. Of course there are exceptions and young adults should be given the opportunity to exercise responsibility, but we as parents have to look at the pressures and influences that are kids are up against today and guide them in the right direction even if it means being overbearing and stifling at times. You seem to be a good mom that trying to do the right thing by your daughter but pushing her into adult situations(even when that's not your intention) for the sake of being a liberal mom may not be the route you want to take. Keep in mind your 13 year old is watching everything she does and your reaction to it, her interpretation of the situation may lead her down an irresponsible and negative path when dealing with relationships. I hope this helps and everything works out for you and your family.

can you invite him for dinner??

I totally identify where you're at. I had the same experience with my kids through most of their teen years. I felt like a storage facility for their clothes and belongings. Although my husband and I enjoyed the peace and quiet, we still had to tolerate the messy bathroom, messy bedrooms, and of course God forbid if we didn't keep enough food in the house to appeal to them when they DID make a pit stop. I wish I could say there was a remedy but we found that unfortunately there's not alot you can do other than to tell them that there are certain times you expect them to be home for dinner or a Sunday lunch and that there's no compromise on that if they want to continue to have privileges AND that they need to clean up after themselves. Trust me, all too soon they will be gone and even the occasional pit stop would be welcome.

MIne will be 16 next month and she is the same way less the boyfriend part.

What are your rules? Sounds like your parents had rules, but you allow this.
best, k