What??? - Olathe,KS

I work with special needs kids at school and there are so many with ADD or ADHD and is good to know how to deal with them up front because when they have melt downs and you don't know what you are dealing with it is harder but if know up front then you have a better understanding how to help them.
Just let them know what he has and give them examples of how he acts and how their reaction should be and that will help a lot. Every kid is different and reacts to things differently even though they may have the same diagnosis there will still be some similarities but a lot of differences and what works for one may not work for the next child.

Ok we are in the same boat, my daughter is 13 and has ADD and a "special needs". If he is this he should have an IEP....does he? Write me back and let me know this and I will be glad to help you more....my email is: ____@____.com.

I actually work for an agency called Life Skills, & my job is to aide the DISABLED rather than those with SPECIAL NEEDS. Someone with 'special needs' is defined by ANYONE who needs additional assistance with any given task, be it a project or anything else. I work with the disabled and I am considered special needs as well. I have a mild learning disability coupled with OCD & Tourette's. I can easily see what your point is, I am simply trying to come to the point of, when I was that age i only got hurt or insulted when I was Treated as though I were "different" by my class mates. I was only affected by those who had the stigma given by society (well 'portrayed' by Special Ed from the show Crank Yankers) that anyone who utilizes the Resource department of their school is with out a doubt a 'Retard" & must be made fun of. But you don't need to be so delicate with him. I'm not saying be calloused with him just don't act like there is something wrong with him. Just treat the situation like any other because if you tip toe around on it he will notice & that might hurt him more than anything because that might get him thinking there is something wrong with the way he is put together. Another thing that REALLY just saved my life is research & advocation. Research his particular condition to find out what to expect through his development & how to adapt to the changes. Another thing (this helped me), find a group of people (a support group) that suffer from similar disorders that maybe get together once a month or something so you have that network & support from other families that are going through the same stuff that's happening to you that can give you a first hand account on how to deal with different situations. It's like Mama Source only in person LOL. I hope it all works out for you guys cuz being 13 is tough enough! (I'm 24 & it still feels like yesterday)

Hi Meg - I am a long time special education teacher. There is nothing broken about your son. He is a normal 13 year old boy, who happens to have a different neurological system than many of his peers. There is absolutely no shame, guilt, or fault in the way we are born. Does he take medication for the ADD. His learning style and attention span simply require that someone needs to have his attention before they give directions, and it helps him a "whole bunch" to demonstrate what your want him to do. He is surely not alone in his difficulty. In a group of ten boys, there are probably 3-4 of them who share his difficulty. Look at talking to someone as an opportunity to help educate another adult - you might be very surprised by how common this problem is. Your son is no doubt very intelligent - most kids with learning disabilities are very smart - they know that they do not learn the same way as others - he would probably love to talk about this with you. He is doing the best he can with what he has, and he needs to know from you, that this is not embarrassing. Neither you nor he caused it or created it - IT JUST IS. It is not a big deal. Sometimes medication really helps these kids in a learning environment. I hope you have pursued that option for his sake. We are always learning - this is not just something for school. Write me back if you want to talk more. Sincerely, G.

Special needs is a term that is used so much in the school setting these days. If a kid cannot say their "r" sound properly, they go to speech because they have special needs that require a little extra attention. Think of it as "I have a son that has special needs" not "I have a son this is special needs". Some students have tasks that are strongly non-preferred and the teacher would benefit from knowing how to handle the situation better to increase his learning. You are your sons only voice. If he doesn't feel comfortable sticking up for himself, don't be afraid to do it for him. I'm sure that your son knows what his limitations are so his feelings more than likely would not get hurt. He probably feels a little stress and anxiety from the teacher not being so understanding. Also, don't be afraid of taking away from someone that IS special needs. Children that have an educational diagnosis have a team of people working with them to ensure they get what they need through an IEP (individualized education plan) which includes, if necessary, a full time aid. Asking for a little extra help with your son isn't going to hinder anyone's learning. Not asking might..

Maybe you could start the conversation with - My son has some difficulty with blah blah blah. We are working on it at home (this statement is important because it gives it credibility). I noticed that what you are doing in class may be causing him some (insert appropriate feeling like stress, anxiety, frustration, confusion, etc.). I just wanted to let you know so that if this does occur, you would know why and could be a little patient with him. ~ Then, offer your phone numbers where you can be reached at any time as well as e-mail address. Teachers want to be in the loop and will greatly appreciate this. Then, drop the teacher an e-mail on a regular basis to "check up" on your son (most schools have them posted on their web site). Your son will never know you are doing this and the teacher will be watching for these behaviors to report back to you.

Also, if your son already has an IEP, then the teacher would already know. You can call a meeting at any time with your IEP team to discuss what is going on and make necessary changes if needed. Just contact the SSD teacher. Always remember what their job is. To educate YOUR SON. Our job as parents is to help them educate our children and to support the teachers. It is so important that the communication is open between home and school.

Good luck!!

I am a therapist who helps children to neurologically re-organize specific learning difficulties and often illiminate them. It is known as the Brain Integration Technique. So, I have worked with children who have struggled with a wide range of 'special needs'.

I can tell you that the children who are most confident and manage their social circumstances the best are the ones who are taught to understand what they need and how to ask for it politely and respectfully.

Instead of 'special', I like to use the word 'unique'. I tell a child, "I am 5'5" tall. This is one of my unique qualities. My son is 6'3" tall. I need to use a step ladder to reach the top shelves of my kitchen cabinets and my son can reach them easily without any assistance. When my son helps me put away the groceries, he puts away the things on the top shelf and I reorganize space in the refrigerator because that is one of my strengths. When he is not there to help, I use a step ladder to assist me. Just like my son and I, you have unique qualities, unique strengths, and unique needs. It is important for each of us to be responsible and use our strengths. It is also important to know how to ask for the assistance or considerations you may need from others."

I once provided a day-long program for about 20 children of various ages. A very bright 8 y/o boy knew he was not able to tollerate certain types of rhythmic or noisy activities. It was difficult for him to cooperate and maintain control under those circumstances. He came to me at the beginning of the day and informed me of this. Whenever I explained an activity that would be difficult for him, he came to me and asked if I could ask one of the older children to stay with him out in the hall while we did that activity. We all had a wonderful day together. The parents never had to intervene because the child knew what he needed and how to ask for it.

If you think about it, how would you feel if others were intervening on your behalf and aplogizing for you. It is a disempowered feeling. But, there is a great sense of dignity in being able to look someone in the eye and say, "This might be difficult for me. I appreciate your patience."

Teaching a child to be confident can be tricky. One cannot simply decide to be confident. It requires developing skills and experimenting with them. It requires experience. So, teach them to be courteous, humble, audacious, creative, and to have the courage to mess up and try again until the skills are developed. If a child has the power of speach, they can learn to ask for what they need with respect and dignity.

Not to be insensitive, but it sounds to me that you have the hang up. I have two beautiful nieces, one is severly autistic, and its obvious that she has special needs, her sister has Aspergers and she can blend, but still needs some extra patience at times, and then my very own 8 year old has not been formerly diagnosed but we have had several issues dealing with learning skills and we think there is a maybe something on the "spectrum" with her as well. First of all...these days its a whole lot more common than maybe you are aware of, and if you aren't comfortable with it than how are you going to get others to be? I say the best advice I can give you is be honest and be forward about his strengths and some of his less strong points to the teacher from the get go, it don't mean you have to get a mega phone or shout it from the roof tops, use your best judgement, and your son is old enough to know what his strengths and what he needs more help with. He is older so honesty is the best policy with him as well. If he needs help he should have the confidence and ability to ask for it. You can't protect him forever and although a lot of strides have been made to help people fit in and to do there best real life will not always make adjustments...so the sooner he learns to be okay with himself ( and moms being comfortable about it goes a long way to pave that road for him) the better off you will both be. Most teachers are educated about special needs, and sorry but the last thing I think you need to be worried about in life is a "label" look around...there isn't a whole lot of "normal" anymore ....and by the way a family motto of ours? Normal is Overrated.
Good luck
B.

Meg, I used to get just as frustrated. I finally realized that people are very perceptive and for the most part they pick up on a child who needs a little extra time or patience. However, there are some people who dont, and show their impatience, which just makes matter worse. I would try to talk to people like this only to find that they had set expectations of what a child a certain age should be capable of. I found it was better if I taught my child how to react. I told him if he doesnt understand, to ask questions. I told him if someone seems to be impatient with him to say, why do you get so upset when I am doing my best. It seemed to work out better if it came from him. He learned how to relate to other people, and they learned that not every child fit into their little mold.

I hope this helps.

Your son will probably have a resource teacher assigned to him to help him when needed. A good resource teacher will be very patient and discreet with your child's needs! I work with special needs kids on a preschool level and we all know that "special needs" kids can vary greatly! I work with very "normal" children who just need some extra help and patience in some areas. He will probably have and IEP(individual education plan) that will map out what goals he will work on and the teachers will help him achieve those goals in a caring and patient manner. That's what they are trained to do! Don't worry too much about labels. None of his peers will have to know. Many schools at the middle and high school level have CWC (class within a class) where there is a resource teacher in the regular classes because a couple of kids are identified as having some special need. That teacher helps out ALL of the children when needed so the other children never really need to know which students they are there to support. The other kids in the class are just happy there are "two" teachers to help them. Assure your son that the teachers will be discreet and his peers will not have to know. Tell him that nothing is changed except that he will have extra help available to him!

The problem comes from the stigma that is layed upon a person with "special needs". You son does have "special needs" but then again special compared to who? Do we not all have special needs? My daughter has alot of "special needs" and I can completely relate to not wanted your child labeled. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with your son and that his brain just works differently then most and therefor others want to put him in a box and stick a label on him because they don't completely understand him. It is the same for my son who is gifted. He is also a "special needs" student. If you promote this with your son, read up on it with your son. Then, it won't matter to him how people catagorize him. Attempting to disassociate your children from other children with disabilities will only hurt him (and other children with disabilities) That approach will give him the idea "Yeah, I have ADD but I am not like those other kids". It also back pedals on the struggle to get kids with ADD and ADHD catagorized as a disability in order to get the same benefits and rights as children with other disabilities. Our government will probably always label our children, for efficiency needs maybe, it is just our job not to let themselves or others define them by their "labels" or let those labels create boundries for them. If we do that, then it doesn't matter what others label them as. This is true for any child, if you think about it.

Hey Meg, this is very close to my heart. I have recently retired from teaching and I have a wonderful soon to graduate, turn 18 and all that son. So here goes. Remember that most of time his needs are related to school not life outside the classroom. Explain it that way. To him most of all. My son and I early on agreed that ADD is not a permit for irresponsible behavior. He is in control, if he is on meds that is just to tweak his self-control. Emphasize self. Most of his teachers don't realize my son is special needs until he reads aloud. Don't care if it takes my son longer to read and I mean verrrrry slowly. He will read aloud in class and expect others to wait. He realizes some people think his reading and spelling reflect IQ. He also expects some people to be idiots about race, gender or religion or even accents. My son is a leader who takes care of the underdog in a very large 1800 student urban high school. He knows his strengths. He is a superior mechanic, artist and a wrestler. None of that matches his mother with advanced degrees in English Theatre and History. Who cares, he is his own person!! His dad build airplanes, works with him in scouting, goes camping and calls him on his messy room. We love him not his grades. Tell his teachers you want him to learn and to respect the classroom. These are the three or four things "my son" is weak in... Everything else he will do just as well as everyone else. Then make sure he has time and supplies to do his work and projects. Remind him to let you know early if he needs materials because you are busy too. Partner with him but let the work be his. Most of this is what we do to enable any child to become independent. A parent of a kid who doesn't quite fit the labels needs to be a bit more intentional than those that have that imaginary easy kid. Finally take heart. I also advise parents of gifted children who can't get the kids to turn in the homework or take out the trash because it is too easy or they are used to being able to do projects last minute and still ACE the work. Guess what. All kids screw up. Let them learn from it. It is much better to do that in school than with the first big job or even worse, in a marriage or relationship. And finally, when the world is unfair or your kid hurts, just step back together and remind your child that he is strong enough for the hard times too. Just love 'em.

Hello Meg, I hope I don't offend you because my intentions are only to educate you. First having a child with "special needs" isn't anything more than he/she isn't functioning physically and/or mentally at the level of "typical" children his or her age. It's not a DISEASE. Being told he has a learning disability oppose to going unrecognized, gives you the opportunity to get the services needed to get him on track. It seems as if you are embarrassed about the label. This is so offensive to "us" parents in the same situation. My son has Downs Syndrome. Yes, he is a special needs child. But with the services offered, he wouldn't be functioning nearly at the level he does without it. Secondly, "severe handicap"??? Where did that come from. If a fourth grader is reading on a second grade level, then, "special needs". Something is hindering that child from functioning at the presumed level. Meg, without going on and on and on, embrace the situation and get all the help offered. It can only help not hurt. Lastly, swallow the pride and be an advocate for your child.

Hi Meg,
I understand what you mean. Your son's learning differences may cause the school to refer to him as having special needs but his difficulties are actually caused by the fact that his brain works about 2,000 times faster than many others.
People can either be word thinkers or picture thinkers. Those who primarily think with pictures are the ones with those fast working brains. (The words auditiory-sequential learner could be used instead of word thinker and visual-spatial learner for those who think more with pictures, if that makes more sense.)
Those who are picture thinkers can include people with reading, writing, math, speech or focusing difficulties. Because their brains work so fast they can struggle in areas that require slower processing.
I understand why you don't want your son identified as special needs because you see your son for the talents he has-not the difficulties.
You can look at my website www.onpointlearning.org if that would help.
Hope this is helpful!
C.

My oldest daughter who is in third grade is labeled as special needs. She has leaning delay, ADD and dyslexia. I have been very protective of her and have tried not to put her in situations that cause frustration, but I am finding that as she is getting older I am starting to have to deal with it with other parents and also her friends on a smaller scale. With the adults from her girls scout troop I just asked the to be patient with her because she does not process things as fast. However I did come clean this week since she will be going on a 2 day campout with me. The leader that is in charge was wonderful and very understanding when I told her about what my daughter was going through.
after talking to her some more I was glad that I told her so she can manage her abilities better without me being there and the leader did not label her as special needs. Just about all of the adults outside of school know by know for which I am grateful. I know each family is different with their comfort level of "who needs to know", but it had made a difference in how things are approached at girl scout meetings, and at her friends house and has expanded her world around her.
I am like you and think that the term special needs referes to children/adults with a more severe handicap, but as I am sure you are aware the IDEA referes to all children with a learing as special needs and I think that is where it's coming from when you hear that term at school.
I don't discuss it with other adults where she can hear it because I don't want to hurt her feelings and be respectful of that. She knows she is different and that God made her that way and she's perfectly happy with that understanding of why her brain works differently.
I hope this helps and good luck.

are you able to communicate directly (without your son present) to the principal, vp, his teachers and know that this is a concern of yours and work a plan with them for his benefit. It's imperative you are all cooperating, teachers and parents, for the best interest of your son!! If you don't understand things, let them explain and vice versa

Hi Meg -

I understand completely why your defensive over your son - he's your son! My understanding is that by giving your son that "title" at school, he will be given the individual attention he needs with his learning. The purpose it to benefit him. Using the term "identified" could help prevent him from having hurt feelings. (that is the term used at my children's school). Good luck to you!

A.

Actually, it shouldn't be that big a deal. I used to teach high school. I would simply tell people that it takes me longer to process things b/c I really have to think them through. So, they just needed to give me a second (high school kids are as impatient as my 3 yr old). So, later when it was their turn, I'd say "it takes some people longer to think it through, so just wait a minute". If you are talking to another adult, I'd say, "Just give us a minute. I'm still thinking about it". Or something similar so that you are still thinking too and it isn't your son that is thinking. Honestly, all people are differnt and we all need time to process what we are being asked to do. I am not "special needs" but I do need time to pick apart what someone has said before I can really respond - your son might just need the same courtesy. Just tell them to give him a minute. People ought to understand that without needing the special needs part. My employees know they have to write stuff down for me b/c if they don't it won't get done. Same thing - we all have our quirks and he's just going to need to find a way to tell people his w/o any reason at all. Who cares what it is - really! He needs a bit of time, period.

I would be considered special needs and so would Leonardo Da Vinci. Labels- I don't really like them at all. So we don't learn like others but we are some of the greatest thinkers of all time. I would encourage your son as much as possible. Did you know that Bill Gates is also a "special needs" To this day it is said that he gets so destracted he can find his way home.
After fighting all the way threw school and then having a creative thinker and found my self fighting again in a system of one label must fit all. I took my son out of middle school and I am home school him. That was 3 years ago... he is an amazeing young man now; A magian for hirer. So we learn different. Be honest... tell him that this world feels safe with labels. Watch movies like August Rush and read books like how to think like Leonardo da Vinci. He will find that he alread thinks alot like the greats. How exciting!!! I still can remember the moment that I stop believe that I was stupid and relized I just learned different from what was being taught. I am a jack of all trades. Find out how he learns and watch a world of wonder come alive. If you want to talk more... please do.

Hi Meg,

First you already have great thoughts on this. I almost didn't post because although there were just a few, they were very thoughtful. But having lived this, kinda, I thought I'd go ahead and throw in my 2 cents worth.

Our son, now 18 and a freshman at KU, was diagnosed ADHD in between 1st and 2nd grade. And although we had him tested twice, once at that time and once when he was in high school, he did not have an "official" learning disability. Which actually made it difficult in the Olathe school he attended.

*If there are any school administrators reading please correct me if I am wrong, but for our son because he did not have an offical diagnosed learning disability they would not give us an IEP or a 504. Which I think is wrong. I think if they have a diagnosis and/or are on medications you can insist on special accomodations. I am now a much more assertive mom and would have pushed the issue and would not have let the principal and worthless school counselor bully me but that's another conversation. Ooops! Do I still sound bitter about it? That's why we moved our kids to a private school, but again I digress. :)

But I can completely understand what you are asking because on one hand there are kids who have "special needs" and there are kids who need "special understanding". We always told our son that his ADHD was NOT to be used as an excuse but we also always explained to teachers that there were some things that were more difficult for him and we were ALWAYS open for communication from the teachers.
And kids are not stupid, they know what teachers care about them and care about their success. Even as a second semester senior our son was slacking off in his math class (Calculus, again not stupid, just needs understanding). His teacher thought since he was a senior we didn't care and did not notifiy us he was doing poorly. This teacher was obvious with her pets and our son was NOT one. Anyway when I called her on it, and notified the principal who completely supported us, she was all over letting us know when he hadn't turned something in.

I guess what I'm trying to spit out, is that you have every right to ask for understanding and even some simple accomodations and they can be done in such away as to not embarras him and not disrupt the class.

Just out of curiosity, and you can email me privately if you wish, which Olathe school your son is at.

In good health,

Lori Krause
____@____.com

My son has special needs, he's behind on his speech and has some sensory problems, he turns 3 in a few days and we're getting evaluated for his admission into the school system.

I struggle with the same thing you do though, but my thoughts are, if I don't use the 'label' in front of him, only behind his back, or constantly worry about how i phrase it - am I not already setting him up to think this is something to be ashamed of?

As early as 2, I could see that he withdrew when I talked about my concerns about his delays in front of him, so I stopped doing that, but a label is nothing more than a way for other people to understand how to help us better - it doesn't define who we are in any way.

I think the only way i can make him see that is to make sure I never think of it in any other way - but hey, i'm new at this, so it's all trial and error for me.

Your son is old enough - have you asked him how he wants you to handle it? It may make him feel more 'in control' of his label if you let him manage it.

I am a teacher for students who have learning differences. I appreciate when other teachers and parents use child first language (i.e. a child with ADD rather than an ADD child) I use this mentality in all my communication with other teachers and parents: put the child first. I think it would help if you told others "He works well when..." or "He does his best when..." This would give you the opportunity to point out his strengths and emphasize that to his teachers, paras, etc... Also, you can use it to ask that they give him extra time or modified work or adaptations. Communicating with more positive language invites the others to really listen to your concerns and capitalize on his strengths to help his needs.

what's really jumped out at me is that the school refers to your son as "special needs"...so who do you need to tell? That's where I'm confused! Do you mean other students "when working on a project"? Or do you believe that your son needs more time than allowed when working on his own?

if the school already addresses him as "special needs", then there should be an IEP in place. & what's interesting to me is that you seem a little hung-up on the whole thing! This is your son, you are his only voice, & being diagnosed as "special needs" is not a bad thing....simply something different. Please don't take offense...I truly believe if you don't allow this to color your own perceptions then he will be able to embrace his own difficulties easier.

That said, I am a Mom of 2 children whom have dealt with disabilities throughout their school years. My older son has a physical disability which meant surgery in 1st, 3rd, & 4th grade...with crutches, a wheelchair, & leg braces in between. My younger son has dealt with ADD issues, & it is a challenge...but we've chosen to not medicate him. We readdress this issue each year, & will continue to do so until he's out of school. Some years are harder than others, but we keep an open line of communication with his teachers.

As for their classmates, unfortunately there is always going to be some jerky kid making fun of special needs. How your child reacts is up to him, no matter how much you try to prepare him. Our older son still has a chip on his shoulder ...our younger son is a happy camper almost all of the time. Both have dealt with friends' frustration over their limitations, both have reacted in different ways. We just keep stressing that "you have to move on in your own way", regardless of the obstacles. I wish you peace!

I know how you feel. One of my dauaghters was diagnosed with a learning disability in written expression and I never wanted to say LD because it sounded so much worse than it was. But in your case his LD and ADD are probably affecting more than just classwork. First, I would avoid talking about his issues in front of him. Talk to the adults who will be in charge of him privately and let them know he may have some difficulty with this activity, that he sometimes has trouble concentrating and let them know what they can do or avoid doing to make things work out better.

Meg,
I understand your need to not lable your 13 year old. I have used a phrase for years for my sons. "My children learn differently than the rest."
I have very special boys who have learning difficulties with processing the writen word. My sons have high IQ's. the testing proves this. It also shows they read at least 3 years behind. We have IEP's for their testing. They have someone read the test and a scribe writes down the anwers they say out loud.
Well this covers the school side. The social side is a different matter. Each of my sons has a few good friends who take them where they are and likes them. This is not easy. My sons have been on the outside looking in at "normal" children for years. A few good friend are getting us thru.
I wish you all the best. Remember YOU have your son's best interest. Go to meetings and do what is best for your son. Do not let the experts tell you what is best. Your heart knows what YOUR CHILD NEEDS.

Just tell them exactly want you told us. He has learning disabilities and that people need to have a little extra patience with him. Just because the school district or whoever it is thinks they have to put a label on him doesn't mean that you have too. Just mentioning the learning disability will open up a conversation about where the real issues are and you can explain as much or as little as you need to from there.

Really, it's only a big deal if YOU make it a big deal.

We were always very matter-of-fact about my daughter's dyslexia. Sort of an attitude of "doesn't everyone have something that challenges them in life" ? "This is normal for us ... what's normal for you ?"

When speaking with a teacher, or whomever, I would work it into the conversation like " ..... oh .... I almost forgot to mention .... she has dyslexia " Some folks knew what to do from there, others would ask questions, or need a little advice. No one ever seemed put-off by it, or wierded out or anything. The other kids acted like "So ? Big deal." No one treated her badly or talked down to her. In fact, because she has such a pleasant personality, folks seem to be more than happy to help. She moved up to a manager position at McDonald's at only 17 years old. The store manager told her she has the same challenge, and showed her some tricks to help her with the register and money.
Later she moved quickly to a manager's position at a large retail establishment, and found the same attitude.
When she took her driver's test, they were more than accomodating, and allowed her to test with an audio computer rather than a written test.

Our world really has changed, and "labels" aren't such a big deal any more. How your son is treated will have a lot to do with how YOU feel about it. That will always come through in your and attitude conversation.