What 4-Year-old Doesn't like to Play??? My 4-Year-old! Any Suggestions?

Please call my wife, we have copies of a great book called "What I wish I knew when my kids were young." We give them away to those who want them. Rick and A. ###-###-####

You've already gotten some great advice. I just wanted to add that you might want to involve her in some computer games. You don't want to use them as a babysitter, but interactive games will give her feedback that may satisfy her need to play with somebody. My now 16-year old was like that (not wanting to play unless somebody was playing with her) and this trait has transformed into a serious lack of ambition. She's great at doing her homework, but she has no idea of what she wants to do with her life. She wants somebody to tell her what to do. Good luck!

When my friends sons told her they were bored, she gave them a list of chores to do...cleaning the toilet, picking up dog poop. You get the idea. They stopped telling her they were bored and found ways to entertain themselves.

T., My guess is that your girl is engaged in attention seeking behavior, and it has developed into a strong habit. It sounds as if there is some competition with her brother for your attention as well. Here are some suggestions:
1. schedule a date with your daughter once a week that is your special time to be together, just the two of you. Make it the same day and time every week, and do not break it for any reason. Keep it simple so that during busy weeks it is not overwhelming to keep up (a trip to the ice cream store, reading a book in her room, drawing pictures together). Also make certain that you are not interrupted, so if you have the "date" at home, hire a teen age sitter to take your little boy out for a walk. When your daughter feels secure that she will have your undivided attention on a regular basis, her need to constantly try to gain it will decrease.
2. watch your own behavior when she is trying to get your attention: you may be reinforcing it by giving in to her demands, even a negative or vague response to her whining can be enough for it to continue. Try this a few times a day: state very clearly that it is time for you to wash the dishes (or whatever task you need to do). While you are doing this you will not respond to anything she has to say, but when you are finished you will sit down and read her a book (or whatever). Then get to work and do not respond any comments she might make. Finish the dishes, and then give her undivided attention for a few minutes. It will be more pleasant for both of you this way. Her whining may increase for a bit as she is testing you to see if you really will follow through on what you say, but eventually she will find something else to do. She may also try to gain your attention during your task time by annoying her brother, so either make certain that you can ignore this commotion, or set up the situation so that she does not have access to him (his nap time, for instance). Try this several times a day: a clear statement of what you are going to do, and WHEN you will be available (at the end of the task, or set a timer). After she sees how this works, she will find something to do on her own while she waits for you.
3. sometimes, but not always, give her a small task to do along with you.
4. give away the toys she is not using. You also might look at the features of these toys. Are they so detailed that they do not require a child's imagination? For instance, a typical plastic toy car with all the realistic details, can only be a car. A block of wood can be a car, a boat, a tiger, a tree. You can look to the Waldorf sites for toys that inspire the imagination. Since your daughter is bright and imaginative, her current toys may have limited possibilities in her mind.
5. and accept the fact that she might not play on her own. She just might have another agenda for herself. Objects may not interest her, and it seems that people do. She may have tremendous social strengths. Try to find her a little pre-school program (most cities have a affordable pre-school through their parks & recreation department, where children can enroll part time). She might also enjoy a class like gymnastics; some children like to express themselves through movement. She might want to express her imagination through writing stories (she tells them to you, and you write them down).
6. all this may change as she enters kindergarten and as she matures, so hang in there!
I hope that some of these ideas help. Good luck!

Hi T.,

Just something to try....When you are working, involve her too. If washing windows, give her a spot to do; vacuuming, have her dust in the same room; cooking dinner; give her a peeler and a carrot; etc. You will probably have to redo her "work" but that will take less time than entertaining her. If you are doing office work, a tv tray with office type stuff (paper, pens, a receipt book, stapler, paper clips) could be her desk. Who knows, if you work her hard enough, playing with her toys may start to look good to her. :) My "lonely only" daughter is now a manager in a temporary staffing company and I work for her! Talk about payback.

Smiles, rainbows & God bless,
T. F

Don't try to make her play- teach her to do things around the house with you. My two-year-old son "helps" me wash the dishes (I give him some silverware and plastic dishes, and let him play in the sink next to me), he "helps" me make the beds (by jumping on it when I'm trying to make it), he can put laundry in the hamper, and we're working on fetching simple things for me (like a burp rag for his baby brother).

A four-year-old can help sort laundry (all the shirts in this pile, socks in this pile, etc.), empty trash cans, help set the table, and probably a million other things! Get her involved in what you do instead of trying to get her to do things on her own. One of two things will happen: either she'll learn how to do housework at an early age, or she'll find that playing on her own is preferable to working!

Also, if she's more interested in her brother's toys, let her play with them, or buy her some toys that are similar to his.

Sounds like you've goten some great advice, especially to get her involved with your chores alongside you. My 4 year old loves to 'wash dishes', and 'fold laundry' (he gets all the socks and underwear and washcloths). Also the letting her know what to expect. I try to start with what we'll do together, and then what I need to do alone. 'I'm going to read you three books, and then I have to make a phone call. After that I'm going to play such and such a game with you, then I need to change the bed.'

The only thing I might add is that you could look for a 'mother's helper'. A babysitter in training. With my youngest there was a girl about 11 years old in our neighborhood who would come over and play with him for a couple of hours at a time (she had a short attention span, too!), and I paid her $1 an hour. All she had to do was play with him and keep him relatively safe (I still kept an eye on them), I fed him, helped him in the bathroom, that sort of thing, but he had someone's undivided attention while I got some work done. It left me able to give him my undivided attention for longer stretches, because I knew I'd have the time later to devote to the chores I needed to do. And you may find someone who will grow into someone your kids will get to know well, and when their old enough - presto! well trained babysitter on hand!

HTH. Good luck.

Hi T.,
I agree with the other moms that your daughter would probably love going to preschool, if that's an option for you. My other thought is, maybe she has TOO many toys. I started to notice a few years ago that my older daughter would complain of having "nothing to do" when in fact she had a huge mountain of toys. But I realized she was more overwhelmed with them than anything. I sorted through the toys and only kept a few that she really loved. Now between my 2 girls they only have a handful of toys (which I know sounds bad, but I promise it's not!). Oddly enough, the "toys" they like best are things like an empty cardboard box, or the cardboard tube inside the roll of paper towels. I think it's because when you give a child a doll, it will always be a doll, but a cardboard box could be anything from a car to a house to a rocket ship to a robot, so they can constantly re-invent their "toy."

So as weird as it sounds, fewer toys might possibly be your answer, perhaps along with some playdates and/or preschool.

I hope you find something that helps! It is definitely impossible to get anything done when you have a bored child!! =)

hi T.:

i was told every time i used those words what i meant to say was :I AM BORING, instead of saying i am bored..... it really started to make me think.... because my omi (grandmother) used to tell me that the world is not there to entertain me, that she loved playing with me, yes not with my toys.... i hated dolls.... specially barby... so skinny and ugly looking... i loved to play with my omi's things... yeap, her world was much more interesting than my boring smart toys... which were fun for a few hours....
so instead i used to go to different classes, besides school.... i learned to dance flamenco, and all kinds of music, play the piano, i speak several languages, i develop a taste for the kitchen so i took those classes too... travelled all over with my parents, omi and cousins..... turns out my sons are the same way.. very smart children get bored with things easily.... need to be learning all the time with new things.... research about play groups and get her into many different kinds of activities that she finds interesting..... to this day i am not the girly girl.... i am very feminine with a distinct taste for things being done my particular way.. i have learned to entertain my self and do not need any one to motivate me..... actually i keep my family of five on their toes.... with different activities from going to the museums, small trips to sky, hot springs, mountain biking, walking on the beach, pick nicks, when we are home...etc...
because, you got it i still get easily bored with things, so i have learned to keep my life exiting ..... the world is my playground and my family my traveling companions.... we all love to travel... so my oldest boy went in the people to people program to australia and new zealand when he was 12.... he is 17 right now, and just came back from bolivia nad argentina (soccer camps) and graduation present.... yeap.. he is going to USF (san francisco university)... the 14 year old remodeled my car as his project last summer... i was hired to teach in mexico for 6 weeks, so they played soccer, and learned mechanics there.... besides enjoying many small trips to the pyramids, silence zone, no gravity zone,swimming in the black coral reef, etc,etc,..... please give your daughter tools to amuse her self,,,, to enjoy life with gusto.... life is beautiful .... with soooooo many things to keep us in awe all the time, if we know how to find them.....
warmly,
sandy

Hi T.,
Is there any way you could put her in pre-school? She'd be starting late as a 4yr old, but a play-based environment would be very accepting of her starting at 4yrs old. I'm actually a Montessori teacher, but I believe in matching the philosophy to the child and the circumstances. She sounds like she would benefit greatly from regularly interacting with peers and more stimuli.
She also sounds like a very smart cookie :)

Does your daughter go to preschool yet? If so, has she made friends w/anyone there & have playdates w/them? Maybe you could arrange the playdates so that you drop her at this other kids' house or leave her at the park w/the mom & then you could get some things done. If she's not in preschool, it might be time to get her enrolled. Or try using a timer. Set it for say, 10 mintues at first & tell her she needs to keep herself occupied until the timer dings at which point you'll play w/her. Explain to her that she has to leave you alone for that length of time & if she pesters you or her brother, then the timer starts again. Once you'be been successful w/the 10 minutes, set the timer for a bit longer & keep increasing it until you feel confident that she can occupy herself. Hope this helps & good luck.

Hi T.,

I haven't read all the responses, but I had a similar issue with my daughter (now 4). She would not play with her toys. I felt bewildered and very frustrated. I mean seriously... what kid doesn't like toys and would rather just sit next to you no matter what you are doing? We threatened to start giving her toys away to other kids and she said "ok." Then we started her in pre-school and it has made an amazing difference. She has been attending for about a year and I can't believe how independent she has become.

We also did things like when we were busy we would tell her she needed to find something to play with on her own for 10 minutes etc. When we would eat at a different time than she did, we would tell her we were off limits until we were done eating so she needed to find something to do without us. It wasn't overnight, but the combination of pre-school and different tactics of encouraging alone play really helped.

Also - I would NOT recommend computer games like some other moms did. She has her whole life to get sucked into just sitting infront of a computer like a zombie. My daughter is not allowed to play any computer games at this age because I have seen how addicted some of my friends kids have become and hard it is to get their kids interested in anything else when all they want to do is play computer games.

Good luck!!

I'm not sure if this will help, as my son is only a 22 month old and I have no idea what to expect when he turns four, but almost sounds like your daughter has too many toys and may be feeling overwhelmed by the number of choices. My son has many toys, too, but most of them are boxed and out of his sight at any given time. I rotate his toys every few weeks and it makes the toys new and exciting because he forgets what he has. It also lessens the amount of toys out at any given time and he doesn't feel overwhelmed by the choices. It may not hurt to give this a try and see if it works. Good Luck!!

-H.

OMG! That sounds like MY daughter. I really don't have any suggestions, but I feel your aggravation!!! My daughter is almost 7. She loves to write, color, write, color, write, color the most!!! You would think that would be something she could do alone. She ALWAYS wants someone to play with. She owns board games, books, lots of pencils, paper, markers and crayons and 4 cash registers. She always wants to play store. I cannot stand store!!! I can only play it so much. I work part time, so I am home enough to hear her always say, she wants someone to play with! She started t-ball this year and she LOVES it. BUT she needs someone to play catch with her and pitch to her. I like doing that, but I cannot do it all day and night which would make her the happiest kid ever!

The other day, when she finished her math homework, she brought out her math flashcards (for fun) and also asked me to write 3 pages worth of problems for her to solve. I have to just take a moment and tell myself to enjoy it while it lasts, because she will not want to play with me when she gets older.

Anyway, just letting you know you aren't alone. Too bad we didn't live closer!

Hi T.-
I have two children, an older daughter (turning 4 this weekend) and a 17 mo old son. We experienced difficultly with my daughter's behavior when my son was about 14 mo, and really starting to emerge as a child that my daughter had to compete with. Perhaps your daughter's behavior is her way of trying to get your attention? Do you have any set times where you and your daughter spend 1:1 time? I have found spending just 20-30 minutes of 1:1 time each day makes a huge difference!

BTW, things have gotten better for us in the past month or so, so hopefully this is just a phase.
J.

Hi T.,

My 3 yr. old does not like to play by himself either! He is always by my side all day long. He has an entire playroom full of toys and does not play in there unless other kids are over playing with him.

I also have a 10 mo. old son. I started "toy time" for my 3 yr. old in the morning. It is 30-45 min. while I am feeding the baby and doing the dishes and getting the day organized. He has to stay in the playroom (only can come out to go to the bathroom)and play by himself. He is not allowed to ask for help or talk to me. If he needs help with a toy or it needs batteries, he know to chose a different toy.

Toy time has done wonders!!! It allows me some time to get the morning going, and him to play by himself. It has realy helped our day get started. I have noticed that on the days we need to hurry out of the house and he skips toy time, he is cranky and whiney. The time to himself is working great!

J.

Involve her in housework. Have her help you switch the laundry, dust the end tables, have her try to sweep, straighten pillows. That otta keep her good and busy. Your household tasks will take much longer to complete with your little one underneath you, but she will feel involved, included, needed, helpful, all those good things that build self-esteem.

Good luck.

Hi, you don't say how much time she spends at preschool, or if she goes at all. I believe 4 year olds should go to preschool to learn how to get along with and play with other children her own age. They really need that. In addition to that, they crave 1 on 1 time with their parents, and truly need that reassurance that they're 'worthwhile' to their parents. I make a conscious effort to put away my computer, turn off the tv, and let her lead our play time at least 45 minutes each day. And, in the car, we turn off the radio, and I respond to her chatting. That appears to satisfy her, and when I am cooking or talking on the phone, she will play by herself usually 'pretend' games with her dolls or legos. In summary, I think kids need time in all three buckets: playing with peers, 1 on 1 time with parent(s); and time alone. Only the child could determine how much time is right for her for each bucket.

Hi T. -

My 6 year old is also only happy playing with other children - she doesn't play with her toys by herself - but if friends are over, they will play with them all day long. I do try to schedule a play date on most days for her. (she is happy playing with 2 year olds as well as 10 year olds...) I tell her I will arrange friends to come over, or for her to go to a friends house as often as I can, but the other times, she needs to figure out what to do with herself. She also gets very disruptive when she is not with friends.

I think my daughter is intensely social, and I think it will take her a while (years) to figure out how to be OK with herself without friends around. I do try to encourage activities that are solo activities - like drawing, painting, and crafts. I also don't feel guilty if I'm not spending time with her every second (which is her preference if she's not with a friend) - and that I always have chores for her if she tells me she is bored. I tell her that work is an antidote to boredom, and if she's bored, I can fix that :)

Good Luck - !

HI T.,

Your daughter sounds completely bored. I wonder how much attention and time you spent with her before your 15 month old came along? Sometimes we devote so much time to the first born that we don't allow them to learn to play by themselves. They always have us to entertain them!
She might also just need the stimulus and interaction of kids her own age. Is she involved in a pre-school or any activities where she can do that?
I remember when my son started to play with his baby toys ( my kids are 20 mo apart), my daughter "rediscovered" all of her baby toys and wanted to play with them too. There were times when she just wanted to play with them, when she wanted to help him play with them and when she just wanted them because he had them. I spent time playing with both of them and teaching her how to help him in a gentle way. I also remember thinking that the second born doesn't get the chance to play interrupted like the first child does!!
My Belle is now 4 as well and the best little helper at home and at her daycare. She'll go to pre-school this fall and I know will miss reading and directing all the little kids she's been used to leading. I would spend some extra time to give your daughter what she needs right now and scrap the other things that we think are so important, like dusting and whatever else takes up all our time in the day! Seems like my kids go through phases of need more of my time than others.
Sometimes just a little extra time and attention is all they need from us. Another thing to think about is to try to have her "help" you with things that the baby can't do. This way you get to spend some quality time with her and get some things done and she feels important and helpful to you!
Good luck!!

She might be doing this for your attention and has jealousy issues with her brother. I have a daughter 3 and son 1 year and she takes her brothers toys to play with, of course away from him. Or if I'm in the middle of something she say's "I'm hungry" even though she isn't, it's her bored word. She really wants the interative mommy time all the time if possible. I include her when I can, like cooking and other side by side tasks. Maybe she would respond to a timer or schedule. Such as 1230 moms work time alone, 115 your daughters one on one time. 145 your sons time. 200 everybody plays together. Maybe if you set times and a timer she will understand she needs to entertain herself until it is her turn. I recently heard of this and currently trying it out. Good luck, I'm sure it will pass

It sounds like she would benefit from several days/week in a preschool, interacting with ther kids. Also, get her into some fun classes, like dance or art or soccer. And take her and her brother to storytime at the library every week. Then check out some books that she could read during days when she's home with you.

My youngest, who is extremely bright, never liked to play alone. He watched Barney, and the first episode of I Love Toy Trains, and Thomas the Train. So if I stuck him in front of those, I could get a brief break. He would maybe play with toys trains for a few minutes, but other than that, he didn't play with toys. So except for those few things, he wanted to be interacted with. The good part of it was you could get him to do anything with you, he would happily do school workbooks or anything you asked of him as long as you were doing it with him.

So I know the feeling. The best part is she can go to Kindergarten in a year. Then you'll get a break. Thank goodness for school!

Put her in a pre-school. She's bored. The answer is right in front of your nose.

Have you tried letting her play on your computer? I introduced my granddaughter to the joys of the computer when she had just turned five. It keeps her occupied for hours! there are many wonderful websites out there for kids that are safe and you don't have to join anything or provide any sort of information. Try www.pollypocket.com; www.barbie.com; www.iknowthat.com. they are all wonderful; she will be able to understand what to do and it will keep her occupied. I actually started feeling bad because my granddaughter was spending ALL of her time on the computer and not visiting with my husband and myself. She used to bug us all the time about nothing to do, just as you say your daughter did. then I introduced her to the computer and she plays for hours. She then also started playing alone in her room. Now she plays alone in her room, outside, on the computer, you name it. It was just about showing her that she can have a good time all by herself!

HiTammy,
I have 2 thoughts on this. Perhaps she would like some "boy toys" of her own. The other is that there may be some jealousy issues going on with her brother. Can they be encouraged to play together? Perhaps she could help with brother so she can feel important.
D.

She sounds jealous with wanting to play with your new baby's toys. Try to make her feel special.
Nope this helps,
Patti

My daughter was board a lot. She did much better when we gave her an activity to do like painting, making paper crafts, coloring, using scissors to cut weeds and vines, cut up credit card applications. She also enjoyed moving the laundry from the was to the dryer and dryer to the basket. She also gave the lawn several 'hair cuts' :) It took about six months but she will play by her self now for almost 2 hours.

The best, and most used, item in our house was the Large, Plastic, Two-sided Easel. One side had a chalk board and one side had a large pad of paper. My oldest learned (from me, pre-school, then kindergarten) things she could play out on the Easel (later buying colored chalk, etc). My older daughter often came home and taught her younger sister everything she learned that day (she was the teacher and the younger was the student). They spent hours, days and years with that Easel. We even threw a blanket over it and made it into a tent for fun. There was also a See's Candy House, $15, made of Cardboard, but perfect (no bottom, just sat on carpet) and it even got Christmas lights on it one year! (last winter they were out in my local See's, but some stores carry them). They spent hours inside that See's House (inside) in cooler weather and we had a large, plastic house for outside... some plastic food items, and hours of fun! Getting your older daughter involved in whatever you are cleaning, cooking, etc can make life fun. My daughter stirred for me, mixed for me, set the table, etc (I have two treasured pics of her, one on my kitchen stool, stirring food on the stove and one half in the dryer, pulling out clothes for folding!). If she comes to you "bored", make sure you give her 20 minutes undivided attention (well, it can be showing her how to set the dinner table!) and the rest of the afternoon will go much better!

Hi. You mentioned she likes her brother's toys. What kind of toys does he have that she doesn't? Perhaps get some of those kinds just for her. I know you're not running a daycare and it can be expensive, but perhaps she just prefers stereotypical boys' toys. Other than that, I'm stumped. Hope others have more insight.

Since your daughter is smart, she sees what you are doing and wants to be involved. Look into some online resources for Montessori practical life activities. You could fashion for her some child size materials that mirror what you are doing.