I am a stay at home mom of a wonderful and brilliant 2 year old son whom I love more then life its self but about a year or so after he was born I began having extreme back problems after many doctors visits and about 5 months they decided to do an MRI which uncovered many disabling and cripling conditions which are untreatable...blah blah blah but thats really not even the worst part of it ... my husband whom i love with all of my heart and whom i have supported and cared for no matter what doesnt even care what is going on with he he has never even be to one doctors appointment with me not one! out of the hundreds give or take a dozen lol and then now i guess this is what was the straw that broke the cripples back ( sorry bad joke) but i get a random call from a neurosurgeon saying that i have a appointment this coming week that i had never heard of didnt know i needed a neurosurgeon and frankly it scared me quite a bit to say the least considering that no one had even told me that i was going to be refered to this type of specialist. Well when i told him about it he said " oh well ok can i go play cards tomorrow?" and that was the end of the conversation... later that night a friend of mine came over and in front of my husband i clearly expressed my fears about this appointment and still no reaction... i cant figure it out i dont know what to do or how to take it he gets annoyed wiht me when i have to rest i just dont know i am so frustrated and hurt but i dont know if i should tell him cause it will just start a big fight and thats the last thing i need right now but i dont know what else to do i really want his support if anyone out there has any advice please let me know
M.
Men are very different from women. They do not read minds at all. Just talk to him very lovingly and tell him how scared you are and that you would really like for him to come with you. Believe it or not, he may not realize that you want him to go.
Well, I can only speak of my own experience with this type of situation. I had gestational diabetes with my pregnancy and before I was actually diagnosed with this I would have passing out spells. My husband was annoyed and would get really mad at me. Of course he is in the military and is conformed to the thinking that all medical conditions are made up in the persons head and is just looking to be lazy or get attention. Now this is partly immaturity and being a man. Now I was lucky and he eventually came around and told me that yeah he thought that i was faking it and he was also scarred and didn't know how to deal with it. My suggestion is to ask him how he feels about the situation, clamly. I say this because this will disarm any defensive stance and get to the root of the situation. You already know how you feel about it and his reactions are a result of what he feels. Then start from there and always take a soft and easy approach throughout the whole conversation. This way it will leave you free of any blame and he will need to face the realities of his actions. Instead of you going off about something and giving him fuel to fire off at you. Good luck. Take care of yourself no matter what your husband does or does not do. My mother had severe back problems, I can understand what you are going through. I took time off from work to help her many times, cause my dad wouldn't. Focus on yourself right now and what you need to do to get better. And don't be frightened of the neurosurgeon. They will help you, be thankful for the opportunity. My mom didn't have enough money to go that far with her healthcare. They just gave her pain medicine to deal with it. Look at it with optimisim, k. You are dealing with a difficult situation, but you have hope! The best of wishes to you.
M.,
Your husband might be scared and not know how to react to this. I would try to find a time when you think you could talk to him calmly. Preface your conversation by "I don't want to have an argument, but I need to tell you how I'm feeling". If he gets defensive then ask him when would be a good time to discuss it and then make sure you do it at that time. It's important to let him know you're scared and how you feel. It's also important to tell him specifically what you need from him, i.e., support, help around the house, etc. You must be specific - men don't get hints, they need specifics from us. When he does do something supportive, acknowledge it by saying thank you even if you don't get it back when you do everything around the house. Men need encouragement more than we do. If you praise their behavior they will repeat it. Hopefully this advice is helpful and will work for you - good luck!
Hey M., I am also very sorry to hear about all your back problems and husband problems!! Most husbands don't know what to do or say and are alot like children and have to be told what to do and when to do them!!! It seems like when you have a child then your husband also becomes very child likt in almost every way! I have been married for 19 years and my husband is also the same as a child alot of time!! I am raising my great nephew as my son and he is now 7 years old and when we got him at 6 weeks I swear I could see my husband starting all over again..(our other children were already grown)! So just decide what you want from him and then sit down and tell him!! You don't have to be mean to start with because he might get it the first time you tell him but be prepared to have to do this again because most of the time it takes alot more then just one time!! Make him talk to you too. Tell you what you need and that you want him to do it and to tell you if he has a problem and NO HE CAN'T GO PLAY CARDS!! You need him right now and that is what he needs to hear from you and learn how to help you and not just with your back problems but with your son and the house work!!! I bet he doesn't do anything that he can get away with making you do!! Just decide now that you have 2 children and the oldest one needs to learn to mind you and do some grown up things!!! Good Luck and if I can help you in anyway just let me know!! I hope everything works out for you with all your back problems and before you let anyone cut on your back make sure to get a second opinion!! D.
Hi M.,
My guess is you haven't been married very long, also. This can add to the stress of everything else you are coping with. You are
getting started together and obstacles are surfacing that are out of the norm. I pray and that helps me. Sometimes they really don't
understand. My husband used to think men with back pain were just
wimps until he hurt his back and had to see a chiropractor several times! He really can't feel the pain you feel, but he could be more empathetic. Sometimes another man can help them understand.
Is your husband emotionally mature to handle responsibility? He may
also feel completely powerless to "fix it". I hope he loves
you and this way of responding doesn't last too long.
L. P.
First thing I'd like to say is that I am sorry to hear that you are having to go through all of this, and basically by yourself, at that.
I think that the best thing for you to do at this point is to sit down with your husband one evening when your child is asleep, and very calmly tell him that you are afraid, that you have been feeling that he doesn't care, that you wish he would go with you to the neurosurgeon appointment, etc.
Believe it or not, some men actually have to be told these things. Often times, they do not think about it on their own. They see us women doing a lot of work around the house, taking care of the children, giving birth, working outside the home, etc, and apparently feel that we can handle anything that comes our way.
Do not beat around the bush. Tell him directly what you expect and want from him, and it may have an affect. Don't bring an outside person into this discussion, just you and him, and tell him outright what your fears are, and that you think he doesn't seem to care, or is making light of your condition.
Also, make sure he knows that this is a very serious health condition, and if you need a rest, then you are going to rest. He needs to step up to the plate and take care of your child and let you rest when you need it. Yes, you signed up to be a mother, but not a SINGLE mother, so he should help when you need him to, without being asked.
Make sure you write down a list of all of your health concerns, and take it with you to all of your doctor's appointments. Often, we are so nervous about going to see the doctor, that we forget to mention really relevant things which could help the doctor in his or her diagnosis and treatment.
I don't know if you a religious person, but the power of prayer really can help. If you belong to a church, ask them to pray for you. Perhaps you have a group of female friends who could form a prayer circle for you. Whether it's God or just faith in the healing abilities of the human body, prayer can do wonders.
Lastly, please take good care of yourself. I know you are busy taking care of your child and husband and household, but if you don't take as good, or better, care of yourself first, then how will you do everything else?
I may have a suggestion as to why he is behaving this way (but by no means an excuse)!! He may be just as scared as you. He may be distancing himself so he doesn't have to think about this horrible thing you are going through. My mom did something similar when I was in the hospital. She just couldn't stand the thought of me being hurt the way I was so she stayed away. It doesn't make it hurt any less. If this is his problem he should man up and stop being a coward. You need to talk to him and tell him you are hurt and you need him. Fight or no fight you need to know why he is behaving this way.
I'm sorry to hear about your back problems. What are you going to do if the doctor tells you you need surgery and that it will help this issue with the back? It will put you in bed I'm sure for a while and your husband will HAVE to take notice that this is a serios problem. You need to talk to him and next time he wants to play cards instead of take care of you tell him where to go.
jen
Gosh men just dont get it sometimes(most of the time)!!!! Id sit his butt down and say look it seems like you really dont care about my condition and its starting to really to take a toll on me! I would just REALLY appreciate some apathy especially when im about to go see a new specilist!!! Talk to him calmy dont raise your voice because that is usually what sets off fights guy just get touchy!!! but i wish you luck hun!!! I hope this helped a little!!!
