Does your guy do this? It drives me crazy when you ask them what they want to do, or what time they want to go somewhere, and they say they don't care - then you make a decision and they are not happy about it! My husband does this all the time! We have had to start working on clearing out my mother's house since she passed away last summer and we have my brother come over to help out (either on a Saturday or a Sunday). I'll ask my husband what time to tell my brother, and he'll say whenever. So I tell my brother 10 am, and then my husband says, "Why that early? Why can't it be 11?" Really? You just told me "whenever!". This has happened 2 weekends in a row, and this morning, hubby griped again about being there at 10, after I asked him first when he wanted to be there. I asked him if he wanted me to call my brother up and make it for 11 - he said no, but then asked me why I just didn't make it for 11 from the beginning. I'm like, I asked you and if you wanted the time to be 11, you should have just said so. Instead he leaves it up to me, acts all pissy about what I decide, and then expects me to read his mind. I told him next time we'll just make it for 11, but he should just tell me what he wants, instead giving me of all this passive-aggressive BS. Anyone have to deal with this from their men also? I'm not man-bashing here, because I know some women do it too.
I appreciate everyone's input so far, although it was more of a vent than anything else and it seems that some of you are reading more into it than what is really there. It's annoying for sure, but I doubt it is an indication of anything deeper. DH has actually been really good about helping out and had a better attitude about it than my brother has. But he did have a crappy childhood with a less-than-stellar upbringing and a mom that wasn't exactly a nominee for mother-of-the-year. So I'm sure there is a lot of that that plays into everything as far as his overall personality and issues. Over the years I've found that usually being blunt with him and calling him out on his behavior tends to work. He may get pissy about stuff, but he never stays that way for very long.
not my husband, but that's my MIL to a T!
don't ask open-ended questions. offer choices, just as you would to a toddler.
how utterly exasperating.
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khairete
S.
We pick Olive Garden. No? Red Lobster? No? Texas Roadhouse. No?
What do YOU want? Oh, Mexican again. Why didn't he just say so and save me the aggrevation.
I have a friend whose favorite saying is, "You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to."
Don't engage in this argument or deal with his pissy attitude. Yes, it's passive-aggressive, it's a desire for control without making the decision. If you had said "11" he would have said, "Why not 10 so we can get it over with sooner and still have some daylight left."
Just leave to get there at 10. Meet your brother and do the work. Your husband doesn't want to participate in this project at all - it's not just about the time it starts. Leave the house so he has no one to argue with but himself. Do not pay attention to him when he whines. You will not win this argument because it's not about the start time.
I'm in that club too. But it usually comes down to what he wants to eat. I normally ask what he would like for dinner if I can't seem to come up w/ anything. He'll say whatever then get upset if I make something he a.) didn't want or b.) that he doesn't like. It drives me absolulety nuts. And they say we can't make up our minds. HA.
Yes! Anytime my husband doesn't feel like going anywhere or doing something, he says "I don't care, you decide." Then I know I'm in for a long day.
If your husband is anything like mine, then he is actually telling you what he thinks...he really "doesn't care." But it isn't the "doesn't care" where they'll be happy with your decision. It's the "doesn't care" that means he really "doesn't care" to do what you're asking him to do. LOL They just don't want to fight about it...though that's usually what happens anyway. Or maybe that is the goal. HaHa Wear you down so they get their way...or at least annoy you so you're miserable along with them.
Refusing to make a decision is deciding to let you decide.
He had his chance to state his preference and he chose not to do so.
So he is in no position to be cranky about what ever the fall out is.
If he's gong to be angry with anyone it should be himself.
Next time you ask him anything be sure you put it as
"Speak now or forever hold your peace. That means you HAVE to be happy with what ever I come up with if you pass up this chance to make a choice.".
And then the tricky part - REFUSE to feel guilty about any griping he makes if he left it to you to decide.
He can't make you feel anything without your permission.
.
Meaning no disrespect to any of your husbands, but sometimes you have to treat them like a child. What if one of your children did that? I'm sure your tone, actions and words (as loving as they may be) would be firm and confident...AND you will still stay in control and things will get done.
Your husband needs to put his big boy pants on, be a man and start acting like an adult (again, no offense!). GL!
My husband does that. I ask him what he wants to eat and he says he doesn't care, when I make a suggestion he says he doesn't feel like that. I say you know what then you make dinner. He has too. Don't tell me you don't care when it's obvious you do. I always say if you don't like it, you can find something else to eat. As far asyour husband goes with the time. Just make the plans and if he doesn' like it tell him that is what you are gonna do and if he doesn't want to then he can do something else. Make your own way. Once he sees that you are not going out of your way to please him, he might change his attitude.
Yes all the time. My husband is obsessed with buying takout all weekend. I am sick of it and so are the kids so Friday I say what are you hungry for? He says he doesn't care so I get dinner started and he starts throwing a fit because thats "not what he wanted" well when I asked him he said he didn't care he wasn't that hungry..One year I set a date to have our sons birthday party at a bounce a round place and I kept asking him about the day because it was the day after his friends wedding but the only day in the month of our kids birthdays he kept saying it was fine then a couple days before the party he is mad that I would schedule the party on THAT day well I asked him and he didn't care so I told him he would have to tough his hangover out...My friend and I were just talking about this the other day how our husbands can be such babies when it comes to themselves and how it affects them but if it were us throwing a fit about something we would need to grow up...I agree if they would just actually listen and not rush to answer and say what they mean life wouldn't have so many little petty differences, wich goes for all people not just men.
My husband doesn't do that . . . if anything I do it! :P
I agree with another mom's comment that he needs to view himself as an equal partner in the relationship, with equal responsibility for his own and his family's happiness.
I remind myself of that whenever I started feeling resentful to my husband, who is more of a take-charge person than me. There is a yin and yang in most relationships; nevertheless, if I'm not happy with something it's my responsibility to accept my role in how we got there and then to effect change whenever possible. And to speak up before I get moving in a direction where I do not want to go.
I also think some of that mentality (and sometimes all) goes back to childhood issues (not an excuse though). How is his relationship with his mom? It almost sounds like he wants you to anticipate his needs and feelings the way a mom would.
Not to psychoanalyze . . . just a thought.
That is really annoying, I agree. But I do think that sometimes it can make life a lot easier to anticipate outcomes that you know your husband would likely have an issue with.
Like in this case, I'd just opt for later without even asking - noon. Done. Then if he bitches about the time, just say well I know you don't like when I plan things early in the morning, so I thought this would be better. But if the early morning thing is his only issue, then I don't think you'll hear any complaining.
For Mel F.'s issue with her husband and weekend takeout, when she starts making dinner on Friday night, you can see that fight coming a mile away. She asked him what he wanted, he said he didn't care - but that means he doesn't care where they order from. They need to compromise something ahead of time...Friday night order out, Saturday night cook dinner, or something along those lines.
Yes that is who he is. It's time to learn some communication skills. My husband asked me to tell him what I wanted from our marriage. So I did. He listened and things got much better.
How long into the marriage did he ask me? About 15 years. Men take a long time to decide to communicate. I should have done it about 14 years earlier. But, at that time I don't think he would have listened.
I know lots of people that do this and it drives me crazy.
It would take all week to vent on my hubbo.
need to use some form of psychology here. since we kno he wants a later time tell him 10 but make it 11:00. as for home cooking make ur planned dinner and give him money and he can get his take out, or give you the money and put dinner on a plate and foil and there, his take out, hahaha.
or just write things down on the calendar and have him make changes within a certain time.
Well it does sound familiar. I could swear it's a phenomenon I've gone through. My late hubby was not good at communication at all. Conversing, as long as it was a subject he was comfortable with, but communication was not a viable thing.
Yup, it's a guy thing.
You must give them 2-3 choices to decide from (like you would one of the kids). If you leave it wide open... That's what happens. : )
But yes. I have yet to find a man that doesn't do that. It's all in a manner in how you approach the subject to get a straight answer... Rather than, 'Whatever' or 'Whenever'.
Perfect example. With my husband (dinner is usually our issue), I'll say, 'I can make X or Y. Which one do you want?' Then he'll make a decision. If I ask, 'Whatcha want for dinner?' I get the 'I don't know, I won't know until I'm actually hungry.' Then I can't make anything fast enough to satisfy his hunger so he eats junk.
