Unmotivated Adult Child Causing Household Stress... Please Help

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She needs to hit bottom. She hasn't hit bottom. As long as she knows Daddy is going to be there to help? She doesn't need to change.

You are making excuses for her. Stop making excuses. Tell her she needs to get a job or go to school. Period. If she can't or won't do any of that? She needs to move out. She needs to get her license and she needs to care for herself.

She is allowed to be the victim and as long as people accept her stories of victim status? Things won't change.

I think at this point, you need to explore mental health. Some degree of immaturity is still normal in late adolescence/early adulthood, but I think she is demonstrating behavior that is outside the bounds of typical for this age. How was she in high school? What were her plans for after high school, and how did they not come to fruition? If she didn't have any plans, how was that handled? Is it common where you live for young adults to not have a job or education after high school, or is there an expectation that after high school, one goes to college, into a trade, the military, or the full-time work force? What did conversations about her future career look like in high school?

The normal arc of adolescence to adulthood includes a desire for autonomy and independence. My oldest son decided in 11th grade that he wasn't going to pursue attending college full time because he hated school, but he had already found a skilled trade in which he excelled and he has been employed full time since graduation. So not everyone needs to go to school, but there has to be a darn good alternative in place.

If she has expressed no desire to take steps towards autonomy, I would think that perhaps she's dealing with undiagnosed anxiety and/or depression, or perhaps ADHD (which is very under-diagnosed in girls and women). Have her have a full physical exam where she is screened for mental health issues and then have her meet with a counselor or other provider. She may very well have something that can be treated with medication and/or therapy. Sometimes these issues with growing up are a matter of a treatable health condition and not a lack of character. This can't be pleasant for her either...she's stuck and needs help getting past this. Figure out what's blocking her from wanting to grow up.

ETA: lying and stealing are behaviors that go along with drug use as well. I'd actually start with testing there. You can get a kit at CVS or any pharmacy for around $40. You'll have to figure out with your husband what to do about the results. Obviously anything other than weed needs to be treated as a crisis and addressed with detox. Some households are OK with weed (it's legal at age 21 in my state) and others aren't. You have a right to have and enforce your own rules here, legal or not.

You have a husband problem first and foremost, not so much of a daughter problem. You are not a team. You not only disagree, he goes behind your back. So why in the world would your daughter listen to you?

But she is an adult and your parenting is (or should be) done. Where she went astray was probably evident when she was 15, right? So you and your husband have to own your own failures to address that when she was a minor and totally under your control. Farming her out to other people just spreads the pain around - everyone keeps her until they're sick of her: you, her friends' families, etc.

Your daughter cannot be happy. She may have depression or some other disability that impacts her abilities. If you don't think she needs or would go to counseling, then at least get her a life coach to help her make a plan, determine goals, set a priority list, make a resume, get a license, etc. Maybe she's just directionless.

Chores: "Not doing them correctly" has to be flexible. If she dusts with a duster instead of a cloth, let it be. If she's putting dirty dishes in the cabinet, that's a problem. I'd get a couple of totes or boxes and put the dirty stuff right on her bed or in her shower (unless she shares a bathroom with your son). Make it inconvenient for her. Yes, it will be inconvenient for you too, but work around it.

The dog is a different issue. Rehoming dogs is traumatic for them, so think hard about that. If the dog makes a mess, I think it's fine to pick it up and put it in her doorway with a note saying, "Fido left this. Not sure where you want it." She currently has zero consequences for her actions except your nagging and understandable disapproval - clearly those don't bother her.

And I would lock up things you don't want her to steal or even use.

Part of me says to move her to another area and pay a few months of rent, then let the landlord hassle her. Maybe not a full apartment, but a room and kitchenette in a little rooming house. But she won't pass the credit check if she doesn't have a work history, and that will leave you as co-signer and stuck with back rent if she still refuses to work. At least she wouldn't be underfoot. And your husband will undermine you and let her move back. So I'd suggest marriage counseling for the two of you. He's handicapping her for the rest of her life.

But you need professional help here, big time. Otherwise you're alone in this, and you're doing the same things over and over, expecting a different result.

I'm going to agree with J.B. that she might have mental health issues combined with a dad that can't put his foot down. The string of jobs part is telling because one of my daughters was dating a guy who had a string of jobs and all of them treated him horribly causing him to quit every single one. If that's the case then its usually not the jobs its you. He ended up getting treated of mental issues and put on medication.

Since she's 21 she's most likely still on your health insurance. I'd tell her that she needs to get evaluated by a therapist or move out. One or the other.

You and I are walking almost the exact same path. My son is 21, has completed 2 years of college, not very happily nor entirely successfully, and now is living at home with no motivation. He does not have a drivers license, and is unemployed. The lying and stealing have been very painful and are behaviors my other two kids have not exhibited. For the people who tell you “I wouldn’t put up with this”, I can hear myself saying this before it happened to me, but you have no idea what this is like once it is in your lap. I am very certain my son has mental health issues, social anxiety, depression and low self esteem among them, and I think these kids in general do have problems like these.
I was distraught for over a year trying to figure out what was going on with my son until the recent morning I googled ‘failure to launch’ (a terrible term) and I don’t mean the movie. You may well see your daughter in the description of this not uncommon disorder, as I saw my son, which was both comforting and disconcerting to me. There is a lot of good information about this on the internet. You, of course, are very upset by her behavior, but I urge you to try not to focus on what you’ve ‘done wrong’ raising her, look at your son. I can see all the cues I missed to my sons almost crippling anxiety and what I should have done, etc, etc, but need to stay strong and confident to help him now.
What I urge you to do, if at all possible, is to get yourself and your husband to counseling rright away. Being a unified front was never more important than it is now, and if he refuses, at least get yourself to a competent counselor who is familiar with failure to launch. You need support and guidance from a professional. Secondly, read as much as you can about failure to launch, if you feel that maybe what is going on with your daughter and explore some of the suggestions for treatment. There is no easy answer to this, every case is somewhat different, but there is hope!
This is tricky, very difficult stuff to handle. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted on your progress.

Updated

You and I are walking almost the exact same path. My son is 21, has completed 2 years of college, not very happily nor entirely successfully, and now is living at home with no motivation. He does not have a drivers license, and is unemployed. For the people who tell you “I wouldn’t put up with this”, I can hear myself saying this before it happened to me, but you have no idea what this is like once it is in your lap. I am very certain my son has mental health issues, social anxiety, depression and low self esteem among them, and I think these kids in general do have problems like these.
I was distraught for over a year trying to figure out what was going on with my son until the recent morning I googled ‘failure to launch’ (a terrible term) and I don’t mean the movie. You may well see your daughter in the description of this not uncommon disorder, as I saw my son, which was both comforting and disconcerting to me. There is a lot of good information about this on the internet. You, of course, are very upset by her behavior, but I urge you to try not to focus on what you’ve ‘done wrong’ raising her, look at your son. I can see all the cues I missed to my sons almost crippling anxiety and what I should have done, etc, etc, but need to stay strong and confident to help him now.
What I urge you to do, if at all possible, is to get yourself and your husband to counseling rright away. Being a unified front was never more important than it is now, and if he refuses, at least get yourself to a competent counselor who is familiar with failure to launch. You need support and guidance from a professional. Secondly, read as much as you can about failure to launch, if you feel that maybe what is going on with your daughter and explore some of the suggestions for treatment. There is no easy answer to this, every case is somewhat different, but there is hope!
This is tricky, very difficult stuff to handle. Please take care of yourself and keep us posted on your progress.

To me it sounds like a husband problem and not really a daughter problem as you don't seem to have a problem with forcing her to move out and have to try life on her own. Which is what she needs to to do because she isn't being a helpful/grateful member of your household. (Although as I think on this your daughter may have an underlying issue of depression or anxiety...then again may just be lazy.)

Anyways, can you and your husband find time to get away even for a night or a weekend? So you can have time alone not in the heat of the moment or when daughter can overhear to visit about your over all family plan.

What does your husband see for your daughter's future? Does he think eventually she will marry and someone else will take care of her? Does he plan on her living with you guys her whole life? He may have no idea and is going with the path of least resistance.

Anyways, you guys need to talk and figure this out and present a united front on how you choose to handle this...Good luck!!

It almost sounds like you need to put a tiny house or camper out back and have daughter live there where she can't mess up your home and steal.
If she won't take care of her dog then the dog needs a new owner who will care for him.
Husband needs to face up to the problems he is causing by allowing her to come home.
If you can't live like this then you and your son need to move out.
Husband seems to have made his choice and he didn't think/care about how miserable it would make the whole rest of the household.
Sounds like this marriage is over.

I would make her living at your home as dull as can be for her. What does she do all day? Watch TV? Her bedroom should not have a TV. I would seriously consider removing any TVs from common areas of the house. Keep one in your bedroom (which you should lock). Your son probably like many teens, will probably get his screen entertainment on his own cell phone, tablet, or laptop, maybe a school iPad. You and your husband can watch TV in your bedroom. If she needs her license to get a job while she lives at your home, you can tell her matter of factly, that you will allow screen entertainment to return upon her attending a driver's training course, and following the steps to get her license.

Its good that you aren't giving her any money. Always keep your purse and any valuables locked.

Don't stock your kitchen with her favorite easy-junkie snacks, or sodas. Drink water. Re-tool your home food as all-healthy, limited processed, pre-packaged, and easy to make foods. Treat yourself at times while you are out of the house, but don't enable her lazy or unhealthy habits at home. She may just find someone else's home food supply more enticing, and decide on her own to start staying with friends.

Also, I agree that she seems to be struggling with mental health. For your own sanity, I encourage you to lower your expectations for her. I would start with the dogs. There was a point I had to accept one of my kids as a later teen, who had ADHD and a number of other mental health challenges, I could not count on to let out/feed the dog. So I did that myself, and I got content just accepting that. I got to stop being angry when it wasn't done. And I knew the dog was always cared for. It simply was not something she could remember, or could make a priority when her emotions overwhelmed.

Give her very simply chores, only one at a time. I know it's hard to get stuck on what she should be doing and able to do, but the fact is she is demonstrating that she isn't capable right now. This is what depression can do, it can be paralyzing. So meet her where is at. Start simple, work up to larger tasks.

She's a legal adult. You can't force her to get help for her mental health issues, but you can encourage and support her seeing a therapist.

Be kind to her. Offer to take her out occasionally, to church, to a family movie, weekend dinner out, sporting event, birthday party, volunteering, or other things that will get her out of the house, and be good for her in so many aspects.

Next time your husband goes against you and tells her she can can come back, I would move out or tell him the two of them to rent an apartment together and he can return home when she can manage it independently.

While it seems this has been going on since she was 15, it doesn’t seem he has experienced any of her consequences. It’s time for him to deal with her directly. Stop being the in-between.

I think the first step is marriage counseling. His enabling and your ‘enforcer’ stance is a long standing pattern that needs to be addressed by a professional. You two need to address the dysfunction of this pattern, get on the same page regarding addressing your daughter, and learn how detach from her ( the situation, and maybe even your husband). Go alone if he doesn’t want to. Once you and your husband become a team, or at least have a unified plan to address your daughter, what your daughter really needs will become clear. Good luck.

Just reading this was tiring (no offense to you). I feel for you, and I feel for her. It's like you gave up ... long ago, and I'm sure she senses that.

Farming her out to others ... she knows you're not interested. I went through something similar, but due to circumstance.

Get firm, set boundaries, goals, rules, etc. and be tough. Kids (even young adults) need that. Then have her set goals for herself. That will build/instill confidence.

She gets a job - McDonalds, whatever. She saves half pay for a car. She gets license. Set her goals with her. We do this with our teens.

I have a child who can be taxing. It takes a lot more effort to parent that one. I went to some counseling sessions. I would advise that.

I put the effort in. It paid off. It was worth it because I think in the long run, it's far less draining.

ETA:
I agree with the others, that she may have low self esteem/depression/low self worth - so some counseling for her would help too. I'm thinking back to how I felt (I was involved with a jerk at that age).
I was no where near this bad, but I also wasn't enabled (Your hubby is enabling her). I just got lost along the way.
When you see the counselor, ask for help in dealing with hubby's enabling also.
You should be done parenting her as if she's a child. You should just support her in achieving her goals.

First of all she needs to internet to find a job. Help her to put together resume and tell her she has to apply to 4-5 jobs daily. She has to clean up after the dogs and do chores around the house.
Give her a reasonable amount of time about a month to find a job. Then give her 3 - 6 months to save for a place of her own and get a car and her license.

Give her tent and kick her out of your home. Let her live in a park somewhere. Maybe this will motivate her to get a job....begging.

Stop playing the victim, just as your daughter has learned from you. Stop complaining and just kick her to the curb.

invite her to on a shopping trip with you a couple hours away. Leave her there change the locks on your door and refuse to talk to her.