Uneasy New Mom

I had the same trouble when I had my first baby, he is 5yrs old now, but it was with my mother. I never wanted to leave him alone, I still have trouble even now that he is in kindergarden. I did the same thing with my 18mth old. But evenly I relized that my mom only wants to help, and every now then you do need a little break from the crying and diaper chaging and bottle feeds. I now that it is overwhelming, but sometimes you need to just let it be. I have found that out the hard way.

I ran into somewhat of a similar problem. My sons dad and I weren't together at the time, so upsetting him wasn't nearly as important. I was going out with my friends and my parents couldn't watch my son. I asked his other grandma to watch him, and they LOVED the idea. My son wasn't the healthiest baby and this particular night he had been coughing and a little fussy. I already felt bad about going out, but I hadn't been out at all with anyone since he had been born. So, I went. They called half way through the night to see if he could spend the night with them. They got a little upset when I said no. See, his dad lived out of town at this time, and they were in town, so they wanted to make up for everything he wasn't doing. She did get offended at first, but after I explained that he hadn't been feeling good, and when people don't feel good they don't like to sleep in new places. I said it wasn't I didn't want them to have time with him and maybe some day keep him over night, but I wasn't ready for that and they weren't going to do it on a night that he wasn't feeling good. She graciously accepted that answer, knowing I wasn't mad at them, just being a Mom. Sometimes people try to "help" more than they are needed. You have to nicely tell them "no thank you, but I greatly apperciate the offer and may need it at another time. Would that be ok?" I hope this helps!

M.,
I don't have too much advice for you but I wanted to offer my support. I felt the same way as you do. I just want to tell you that you are the mom and you get to do what ever you want to do when you want to do it. You don't have to worry about anyone and how they feel when it comes to your baby, other than your husband. I had my mother in law come over every single day for the first 3 weeks and stay at the house while I was there just so I could have hands free. After a while I started to feel like my little girl didn't know who I was and wasn't comforted by me. I changed that and all things worked out. You can leave your little girl with your mother in law when she gets older! Remind her that there is forever for her to enjoy her grandaughter! I wish you luck!
S.

Hi how are you? All I have to say is it gets easier. My daughter is only 15 months old, but i know EXACTLY how you feel. And you should NOT feel obligated to have your daughter stay anywhere if you are not 100% comfortable. My mom is the greatest, and wonderfulll with my daughter, but the first few months I was a wreck even t hinking a bout time apart from my daughter. You are completely normal and just being a great mom!!! Don't let anyone make you feel uncomfortable.

Do what makes you happy. This is a very stressful time in your life and you need peace of mind. Our son is 11 months old and I haven't even thought of letting him stay overnight somewhere. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that other people who do this are bad, it's just my personal choice. I was lucky enough to stay at home with our son for the first 3 months and even though I know I needed an hour or two to myself, I still stressed about going to the grocery store and leaving him with his daddy. It was the whole food provider thing. I think you just need to tell her gently that YOU are still too attached to the baby at this stage and it makes you uncomfortable to be away from the baby. That is putting all the "blame" on yourself and isn't saying you don't think she can take care of your daughter. She has the choice to either respect your wishes or make a big deal out of it. It will get better, it just takes more time for some people and you will feel more comfortable as you daugter gets more independent in the coming months. I have the unfortunate situation where I don't feel my mom is phsically able to take care of my son. She keeps insisting that she can handle it but I don't think she can lift, carry and keep up with him for extended periods of time. Now I ask her to come over on the weekends and sit with him while my husband and I do yard work. That way we are close by and can still supervise while she gets some "alone" time with him. Maybe you'll have to compromise and invite your mother-in-law over more often and vistit together at your house.

I had people asking me to do that all the time. Lucky for me I couldn't do that, I nursed the younger two, therefore they had to be with me. Once they get to about 3months, then try to take an hour or so at a time. but just remember that it is always your decision. So long as one part of the parent couple does not agree, then it's not right.

My 3mo. old stays with her gramma and her great-gramma sometimes, when we're in a pinch. Do I have trouble leaving her? Sure! But I keep reminding myself that, at this young age, my baby doesn't really care who she's with, as long as she's getting fed and lots of extra loving attention (which grandparents are known for!). Unless your mother-in-law is a total whako, don't feel bad turn her over for short periods of time, appreciate the fact she's in good hands and do something nice for yourself and your husband....all while keeping your cell phone close to check in!
One more thing...read this quick article for tips on how to handle separation anxiety: http://www.whattoexpect.com/public/newsletter/issueDetail...

Take it easy! You are a very new mom. You were pregnant for 9 months-then you are just going to drop your daughter off at another persons house!? Don't let people judge you. You and your husband are the parents. You two should spend time with your daughter, she is only this ane once-enjoy it! If your mother in law wants to come over and visit while you clean or while you want to run somewhere real quick that should be enough for her. If she raised two kids she should know how precious time is with little ones!

HI M., You have gotten some pretty good advice and true feelings from the heart of good mommies.

I did the same thing and I did not leave my daughter and NO one could make me.

So I would end up spending the week-end at the in-laws and my husband refused to stay.

I was very honest with my mother in-law and she was angry at first but lightened up when she realized it was not my intent to keep her away from her grand daughter. It was to maintain my sanity.

The pressure from relatives, friends, whoever to leave your baby usually is very frustrating. Most times are because they want you to relax, have fun or get back to your old self. When you are ready you will know. Don't be afraid to say I AM JUST NOT READY TO DO THAT. Good Luck (stand your ground) B.

I would definetly say 6 weeks is much too early to stay anywhere. The other S. is right if you cave now it will just be disaturous later. Just explain how you feel and if your M-I-L doesnt understand then she looks crazy not you. She is just brand new and everyone loves her and wants to spend time with her but nobody but you and daddy should have overnight time. My daughter was 8 months old (I didnt think I was ready) when she stayed the night over her grandparents house. I left her at 4 in the afternoon and was on my way at 8 am to get her (by my own choice!!) Just try to be sensative to her feelings. She has at least raised one child, presumably well, and she thinks you dont think she is competant. So just tell her your not ready do deal with that yet. Assure her there will be plently of times later when you will BEG her to spend the night. You may not see that now but it will happen. Good luck with everything. Oh, talk to your husband about this first because you will need his support and him to back you up if his mom goes to him to "persuade".
S.

"...she is almost 6 weeks and I am getting hassled by my mother-in-law about the time she gets to spend with her... I am so protective that I have almost a meltdown when she wants her to stay with her at her house to visit"

Wow, 6 weeks *is* really, really young for your mother-in-law (MIL) to be expecting you to just leave your new baby girl! Those protective instincts you have are GOOD - honor them! Your baby has those same instincts - she knows your smell, your touch, and expects to be close to you as she was for the 9 months she was developing inside you. Did you know that the first 3 months of a baby's life are often called "the 4th trimester" because newborns still really, really need to be close to/with their mothers, that familiar heartbeat, their source of nutrition, safety. At this young age, your daughter has no idea if you're coming back when you leave her temporarily (mentally, she doesn't understand this - and won't for many more months), and this causes your daughter stress. So is it worth it for *both* you and your daughter to be really physically and emotionally stressed out just so MIL can have some time alone with her 6-week old granddaughter? I think not - just my opinion.

Would it work to just be gentle and honest with your MIL about how you're feeling? Would she understand if you said that as much as you trust her ability to lovingly care for your daughter, you feel that your baby is just too young for you to be away from her, but you're happy to stay around while your MIL and your baby visit with one another. Surely your MIL would have to respect this, that you're the mother and you must trust your own instincts, honor your own motherly feelings? If you feel that it doesn't work to be honest with her, you could always make up some excuse - if you're breastfeeding, you could just tell her that your daughter doesn't take a bottle, etc. If you think research evidence would help, you could tell her about this:
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/idealseparate.shtml

While I think it's wonderful that your little girl has a grandmother who is so interested in her - and while I also think it's great help your MIL get to spend time with her granddaughter - I think it's *most* important for you and your daughter to be with one another at this very early stage.

Congrats on your new daughter!

Hi M.,

When I had my first daughter the day after my 22nd birthday my x's mother came into town from Tennessee. She was a complete freaking wack job. I was breast feeding her and all his mom wanted to do all day long was hold her, when she cried cause she was hungry, his mom tried telling me that she isn't hungry and tried to stick a binky in her mouth. Keep in mind she wasn't even a week old. I would have to pry her away from his psycho mother just to feed and bond with my new baby. Talk about anxiety.

Anyway I kind of know what you mean about not wanting to part with her even at 6 weeks old but you do need maybe even a half hour to yourself. If your up for it have you MIL come to your house and have her watch her there and spend time with her while your in another room, take a bath, or catch up on some laundry or dishes. Maybe that wouldn't be so much of a strain on your brain knowing that she's right there in the other room when you want to take a peek. Then you can build up to letting her stay at your MIL's house for maybe an hour while you and your husband go out to dinner or have a nice quiet dinner at home where you can have much needed time to yourself. Gradually you can work up to 2 hours or when it comes time for you to go back to work (if you are) and maybe she can watch her for you. That way you are not leaving her with a stranger and you can feel safe that she's in the best care ever. Grandparents are great if you let them be.

Good luck to you and your decision.

I don't think there is any reason you have to leave her at your mother-in-law's house. I agree that she should be able to see your daughter, but she is your daughter, and she is only 6 weeks old! If she wants to see her, have her come to your house for a visit, or visit her house, but don't leave your daughter there. When she is older, it will be easier to leave her with someone you trust. Right now, your hormones are still raging, you may still be recovering from the birth, and this is your very first child, who you are rightly very protective of. I felt the same way with my daughter. I didn't leave her with anyone for the first few months, but after she was a little older, I started to gradually let people I trust (mostly family) watch her for a couple hours, and then finally for a full day. I didn't even put her in the nursery at church until she was 6 months old, so you aren't crazy for wanting to be with her all of the time when she is only 6 weeks old. Remember, this is your time with your daughter. You have a right to be protective as long as you are still allowing family to see your daughter. Just explain that you want to keep your daughter on her routine, and don't want to leave her right now, but if your MIL wants to come over, that is fine. Just set parameters for how long/how often or she may end up living at your house! It's okay to say no, and it's okay to set parameters. She may not like it at first, but she will get used to it, and after a few months you will relax and things will get better. I have to do the same thing with my mother in law. It was hard at first, but it is actually a lot less stressful to deal with her now that have given myself permission to set limits. Before I set limits I was mad at her for doing what she does, I was mad at myself for not setting the limits (tactfully, if at all possible), and I was aggravated with my husband sometimes for not dealing with her. Things are much, much better now, and they will get better for you, too. Best wishes.

congrats on being a new mom!

i was totally different, my daughter was 3 weeks old when i left her with my mom the first time. my husband and i just went to the movies, and i thought about her while we were out, but i was able to acknowledge that i needed time for myself too. i wasnt someone who did well on maternity leave being home all day every day. it drove me crazy. but i would have left her with my mother in law if needed as well. our daughter didnt have her first overnight at my dads until she was 3 months old.

however i'm a rare exception with my feelings. a lot of people think i dont love my daughter or think i'm a horrible mother but both are further from the truth. i acknowledge that i need time to myself to be able to be a great mom and that helped me personally. but many of my friends would not leave their baby that young either,and your feelings are totally normal. its hard with grandparents, especially when its the first one. grandparents look forward to being grandparents probably since the time they had their own kids!

i would just be honest with your mother in law. it might make her remember back to when she had her son and how she felt about people watching him early on.

I dont think there is anything wrong with taking time for yourself, even if its just to grab a nap or go to the grocery store while your MIL watches her. maybe just in small doses to make you feel more comfortable.

good luck!

I think every one with a mother in law goes through this!! You have no obligation to leave her with you mother in law at 6 weeks old. If she wants to see her grandaughter more than she does, than tell her she can come to your house and stay for a while, or you guys can go visit her. Just make sure explaine that it is not a lack of you trusting her, it is just that she is very young so you feel that she needs to be close to her mother untill she is older. If you are comfortable with your MIL taking care of her when she is older, maby it is something you can work up to. Have her watch your daughter while you go shopping for an hour, or to a movie with your husband, but all in your own time. I also had problem with the same thing. I was pretty up front with my MIL, and it worked out. Once she knew my reasons, she was ok with it, which was good because BELIEVE ME it is nice to have the help when the kidsare older, free babysitting, and she is always willing!

I personally don't know anyone who has or felt comfortable at least leaving their 6 week old child at someone else's house without being there, family or not. She should understand and if not, it's her problem. I don't see why she isn't ok with just visiting her at your home. Just tell her how you feel, it's your daughter do what makes you feel right.

Hi, I'm a 27 year old mother of 1 beautiful little girl also. Although I am a single mom, and I have excellent parents who have always taken my daughter.
I felt the same way when she was born. I didn't want her to leave me but I had to at times. I found it really helped.
I had time to rest and clean,etc. It's supposed to be very good (for them and you) to let babies get used to staying with someone else. I read it in a really good book called Making Children Mind without losing yours. If you feel uncomfortable just go visit instead of leaving her there. But you might find out that giving yourself a break can be really nice to. Hope that helped some. If not I'm sorry. L.

M.,
You DO NOT have to feel guilty for not leaving your baby with ANYONE at six weeks old. Something you need to listen to is what I call "mommy instinct". When it tells me to get up in the night and check on my kids, I do it. Listen to your gut. I can't imagine leaving a newborn with anyone, even a mom or mother-in-law. You are still bonding with your baby. Blame it on yourself, and say to her that you are having anxiety leaving her. Tell her she can visit any time, but you are going to be there. Something as simple as, she needs her mom, should be enough to say. Some people say that I'm over-protective of my kids. I'm sorry, but I think that is a good thing. It means I love them, and I take responsibility for them. I have a five year old and four year old (girls,) and a baby on the way. Don't let society or anyone tell you what's best for your baby. Only you know. And when you feel as you do now, that's telling you something isn't right. Why don't you set up some ground rules for baby visits. When she nine months old, she can go with grandmas to their house etc., but before then, she goes where you go. No overnight stays until she is 2? Set boundaries, or you'll have these challenges every step of the way. Think of a good plan and present it to everyone involved as to what you think you can deal with. I have a very hard time letting my kids stay overnight with anyone. Hope this helps...
L.

Hi M.,

I know how you feel. I had a very pushy mother-n-law(not to say yours is)in my first marriage and it drove me crazy. I feel if your mother-n-law wants to spend time with your daughter she needs to do it at your house or with you there. There will plenty of time when the baby is older for her to stay over with grandma. Now if you and your husband want a night out or something that would be fine. She needs to back off and understand that this is your first child and how you feel. Of course you are protective over her she is YOUR baby. I know how hard it is to say anything but, maybe your husband can do it since it is his mother. He may be able to make her understand better than you can. Good luck!

L.

Ahh, this is a double edged sword! Every new mom wants to spend every waking moment with their new baby. I know I never wanted to leave my boys alone when they were infants. It almost seems like if you leave them with a sitter, or even with daddy for an hour you'll miss something. Although I cannot give you the golden ticket for how to get over this, I can promise you as your little one gets older you will come to love the fact that your family wants to take her off your hands for a bit.

Being that your MIL has had her own children she may be reminded about how it was when her own children were newborns. Try to calmly explain to her that you apreciate the fact she wants to be with your daughter so much, but you really want to spend as much time with her as you can while she is still tiny. It isn't wrong if you do leave her with her Grandma for a bit. Maybe set up a deal with her and have your MIL watch your daughter when you go grocery shopping every week or perhaps a set day every week for you and your hubby to have a "date". If your MIL has her own special time with your daughter perhaps she wont be so insistant on you doing it on her whim. For example Grammy has her for 1 hour on Friday afternoons for shopping and 2 hours Saturday evenings for you to spend couple time toghether.

Misty,
I feel your pain. When I had my first baby girl, I didn't leave her with anyone except our day time sitter when I was at work. She actually didn't spend the day or night at a grandparents house with out me until she was 8 months old! I dno't think you are doing anything wrong. Are you by any chance nursing? That was my excuse for not leaving her. I would just tell your MIL that you don't want to offend her and its not that you don't trust her, you just don't feel you want to leave her or that you need a break...so you would rather not leaver her (and yes 6 weeks is REALLY young to just drop her off and go)but when you feel you are ready, then she will be the first person you call. Maybe you and your husband can do a date night and then leave her there for a few hours. Good luck.

M.,
Congrat on your little girl first of all. I know what you are going thru my mother has been trying to get me to leave my son with her overnight since he was born. She kept siting the fact that I needed sleep. I also didn't know how to tell her no without making me feel like I was hurting her, the best thing I came up with was that I was breast feeding and that I didn't have any milk to leave with her for him. Since then she has asked only once. I was always taught by her to follow my gut feelings on things and that is the advice I will give you. You will know when it is ok to leave your baby no matter who it is with. And from my family to yours congratulation once again, enjoy your littleone while she is small, she will not be that small for long.

I say, follow your gut. I did the same thing, only to my own mom. My son was 9 mnth old & I was set all day to let him go spend the weekend with her. But, when the time came, I just cried & told her that I wasn't ready to let go. She laughed at me, hugged me, told me we'd do it at another time. She still asked once in awhile. I know that some time it will happen, it's just when. He's 3 & still hasn't been away from home over night without me or his dad. I also think that there shouldn't be any drama between you and your husband. He may not get it, but he should support you until you are ready. As a mom herself, your MIL should understand.
Congrats & good luck

I think every new mother feels this way my son was premature and I wouldn't let anyone other then his dad to hold him for about 5 months. I didn't ket him stay there till after he was 1 year old my daughter (second child) I let her after about 8 months. You are her mother and you just need to be honest with your mil if she doesn't like it thats her opinion(remember everyone is intilted to theres wether we agree or not)but you are the mother and if you don not want to leave her there yet then don't and don't let her bully you into it cause it is just going to make you even more mad

M., You are completely normal! I don't mean to stir up strife between you and your mother-in-law, but she needs to back off a bit. She will have a life time to spend with her granddaughter. This is your first child and YES you should feel overprotective of her being away from you at 6 weeks old. That is a heart of a mother! If she is being that controlling over having to have the baby at her house - something is up. Unless you and your husband need a break then I'd tell her that she is welcome at your home any time, but that you aren't ready for her to be away from you yet. You will eventually let up, but it comes with time. I didn't feel comfortable leaving my children at other people's homes (even family) until my kids were about two years old and talking. Your mother-in-law might just need reminded of what it was like when she brought her first child home from the hospital. Of course, her experience might have been different, but this is your experience and she should respect your feelings....you are still deep in the middle of post-partum recovery. This is not the time to demand too much of yourself. I hope this helps validate your feelings. It is a tough situation, but you have to do what is right for you at this point - you can always apologize later. ;0)
C.

M.- I am also a mother, but my son is now 3. Being a protector as a mom will never leave. But I will assure you that its okay to leave your daughter with your mother in law. I was the exact same way. When he was around 3 months old, I was starting to ease up some. he did not go to day care until he was 14 months. Although leaving your baby is the hardest thing to do, it will be ok. I looked at it as a blessing to have someone there willing to watch the baby without me asking. Although hes 3 now, I am still cautious about who i let him stay with and for how long. Your mother in law just wants to help. Use that time as bonding time with your husband, catch on some sleep, just relax, or whatever comes to mind for however long you leave her with your mother in law. I am going to assure that when she gets to walking, crawling, running, talking, etc... it never ends. But the good part about all of that you're going to love every minute of it:)

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Becoming a mom is a huge ordeal for us, and I don't think you're being at all unreasonable not wanting to leave your tiny baby with anyone ... even if it is your mother-in-law. I would try to gently let her know that you aren't ready to leave the baby yet, but that your MIL is welcome to come visit at your house. The time will come when you are ready for a bit of a break and it will be nice to have "Grandma" around. Good luck!

Babies this young need their mommies! I mean she just got out of your body (which is all she knew for all of her existance). There is no reason you should have to leave her with anyone this early. Maybe in another month, you will be ready to leave her with someone for an hour or two to get a little break. I would just be honest and tell her you're not ready to leave her yet. If she is breastfed, that is all the more excuse.

Maybe as an alternative, she could come to your house and watch the baby while you get some house work done or whatever.

Well let me start by saying that my response is coming two years after a major blowout about my first baby between my husband, my mother, my mother-in-law and myself. And, before I give you my opinion let me also say that it is all water under the bridge now two years later and another baby later. But the blow out could have been avoided had I just stood firmly on the ground I was comfortable on. My best advice, six weeks is too early for anyone to think you should leave your baby behind. You are either comfortable with it or not. If you are not than that is O.k. Sett your boundaries now...dont let tensions rise because if you don't deal with this situation now, in a way that you are comfortable with, then something else will arise later. This is a power struggle to some degree and you have a right to be in control. Just remember...there is always a tactful way to approach things and as long as you go about it that way you will be fine. So, if after you make your point tactfully she loses her cool...at least she looks nuts...not you. It is funny how when you have a baby you become this protective creature...apparently it runs over into grandmotherdom too. Remember...as time passes you will be more comfortable taking control of these things. It is a learning process. It is always good to start these conversations out by admitting that you might be "acting a little crazy" but that you are not the first mother to have these feelings. Although most of us would say you are not crazy....six weeks would be too soon for many. Just remember...the day will come when letting go for a few hours..even a few days will be easier than you ever expected....trust me I know.

M., you might want to try explaining to your mother-in-law how difficult this is for you and ask her if she will help you. If she is understanding, perhaps she can help you build up to longer visits a little at a time. It is important for you to have time to yourself and important for your child to be without you some. Blessings! Kristy

Hi M....Congrats on the birth of your daughter. Let me say, I understand COMPLETELY where you are coming from. We have the SAME problem with my mother-in-law. My youngest is now 6 months old, but he was born 8 weeks premature. I spent 14 days of the 16 days he was in the NICU, with him at the hospital. He has major reflux issues, in which he spits up, often times violently and through his nose. My MIL does not understand WHY on earth we haven't let her watch him yet. I am not ready to leave him with ANYONE! Not even my OWN parents. And my parents have been around him more and would know better, how to deal with his reflux. My MIL hasn't been around him much at all and I just wouldn't feel comfortable. I leave him with my hubby, sometimes. But not for very long. An hour or so, at the most. We had a rough start and I guess I feel more over-protective than some would. Yet every time we see hubby's mom, she brings it up, 3-5 times, about when will we let her keep the baby. Not only that, but she and her husband both smoke in their house and I do not want the baby in that. It's bad enough my oldest son, with ASTHMA is in it when he stays over there.
So what I would do is just tell her you aren't ready for her to watch your daughter yet, but you'd be more than happy to bring the baby over and spend some time each week, with her. That way she gets to have time with her granddaughter, but under your protective watch. Or have her come over to your house, and let you take a nap or get some things done around your house. If your gut says NO, listen to it! Hang in there!

I would suggest sharing your feelings with your husband and your MIL. This is not about something you have against HER, it's about your anxiety as a new mother. If you have a good relationship with her, I'm sure she'll respond with a way to HELP you and not make this a problem. If you don't feel comfortable with this discussion, start by talking to your husband. I would be careful to make it clear that you understand that this is YOUR issue, YOUR opportunity to grow & you're not doubting your MIL's abilities, etc. This will help them to see you're not attacking anyone and just looking for a little support in handling the roller-coaster ride that being a new mother is!

Hi M.,

Let me just say that you are acting and feeling COMPLETELY normal. I have TWIN 7-1/2 month old boys and have NEVER left them with ANYONE (except maybe at home with their dad once in a GREAT while and only when 1 was sleeping, while I ran to the store). We also have an older son who I always took EVERYWHERE with me. I don't know of too many moms who go off and leave their infants. I'm sure there are reasons and times when some do need to do that, however, you only have the one, and there really is no need. Just talk to her honestly and tell her you just want to be with her too. I am sure she will understand. You can take her over to your MIL and visit together. Try not to get upset. She will understand.