Un-Romantic Husband

I know how you feel my husband yesterday didnt get me anything me I cooked a romantic dinner i put rose's all of the floor to the dinning room and all over the table. I got him come choc. and a card. Then we went to the movies and then I even gave him a back rub. And he didnt get me anything so if you find the answer to this question i would love to know too.

I sat here and read what all the other ladies here had to say on this subject. I have a man, who at one time, did surprise me on numerous occassions with thougtful little gifts and Knick-knacks. Although somewhere along the line, these little gestures have been replaced by heavy financial burdens. Everytime I drop a hint for my b-day or V-day, he automatically thinks about how much it will cost, gets upset, and eventually doesn't do anything. Commercial holidays are the worst because there are women out there who EXPECT fancy jewelry that costs as much as a down payment on a house. Although I don't expect this, I do expect a card or something (doesn't have to be big) on my birthday and anniversary---and he DOES remember these days.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I agree with most of the other responses, but do let him know how you feel but don't pressure him. I think If I were a guy, looking at Valentine's --I'd dread the thought of that "He went to Jared's" ( I really hate those commercials). Money isn't supposed to make the world go 'round, it's not supposed to be the centre of all and it's not supposed to be the deciding factor of whether he loves you or not. He loves you by making you a cup of tea with honey when you're sick; he loves you when he runs you a bath before you get home cuz he knows you've had a bad day; he loves you when he turns on your side lamp at night so you can find your way back to the bed from the bathroom without hitting your toes on the ends of the bed.
He does love you in his own way, so take the pressure off and he just might surprise you. But I would listen to whoever gave the advice on reading "The 5 Love Languages"...I'm looking it up to purchase today!

My husband was this man. I used to tell his have his mom prep him when christmas or valentines day or our anniversary, my b-day, whatever came close. She'd nag him into getting me something (thoughtless and stupid). I was always hurt and disappointed. I finally decided it was unfair to expect him to be what he is not. He says he loves me in different ways than that. I'm a gift giver. I love to think about and surprise people with thoughtful gifts. He finds this burdensome.

I was expecting him to do things that he doesn't do. I was playing a game, a hurtful game, with myself. So I decided to stop. I quit paying so much attention to the gifting and decided that instead, I'd plan to just spend special time with him. That wasn't easy, at first, since I was so resentful and i was hoping beyond hope that a gift or SOMETHING thoughtful would appear out of somewhere, and I was still let down. When I really really let go of it, I felt OK.

I haven't nagged. I even appologised for playing that game. He said, "It's just not part of my 'love language'." OK. I thought that was a bonehead thing to say, but I'm letting it go. It is, after all, true. Even if I would have it otherwise. But I would not have another husband. I love him. So I quit my game.

This year, he was out of town for v-day, as usual. He called me up and said to check under my bed. I found a box with a little gift from Victoria's Secret and a note thanking me for everything I do. He even itimized the things I do. I couldn't believe it.

I really think that it was my relieving the pressure on him that made this come about. Once it became something voluntary (and it took a few years of letting go with no hidden gifts) and unpressured, he did something thoughtful. I'm not holding my breath for next year, nor did I put any effort into getting him a gift this year. I just kind of let it go all together since he wasn't going to be around and focused instead on baking with my daughter. She loves V-Day and I'll take my love where I can get it, thank you very much. So for once, I felt crappy about not getting a gift for him!

I feel your pain. I say let it go and focus on the ways he does love you. Let go of the idea of ever getting a gift. It isn't coming from him even if he does, so it will always feel wrong. Free him and let him know that he's free. By doing so you'll free yourself.

Good luck and a big hug.

I totally understand you.... I was once very influenced by what I saw on television, and on what I saw others do.

My advice is don't let Valentines or any other day ruin your peace with your loved ones. If you know you are loved, let that be your gift... and remind yourself each day that nothing in the world can buy this for you...and we would give the world just to have them with us if it meant giving up a materialistic thigns.

Now there is nothing wrong with wanting, it's a very human thingto do.. we want, we need, etc.
But if you find yourself wanting to know be at peace, let go of all that is on earth and focus just on your heart and soul... and you will see that love is all you need.

Things from the heart are every day things you do with him, or that he does for you. Think of this.. I know he didn't tell you happy birthday, but you spoke to him first.. That's a sign of love.

Try enjoying the gift giving, and not so much on the receiving... it's best when we are like this because it lets us focus on what we do for others etc. And if love is your concern, love is best shown with affection, and not by gifts.

I personally know many women that receive wonderful materialistic things in my family, and their husbands say they love then... yet they know their husband cheats on them, etc. So, although they find themselves full of diamonds/gifts of all kinds, nothing would make them happier than having their love all to themselves.

We, on the other hand, enjoy a man, that is not bothered by all this valentines comotion... because he knows we already know they love us. And that is love that is secure and believe me it's worth not receiving a thing.. just that feeling that we know we are loved by all they are with us, and all they do for us... with our family, our kids....
Love is a hug, a kiss, a phone call before bed... those are the most wonderful things... I'm sure you know this.

Yet there is nothing wrong with receiving gifts once in a while.... So buy them for your self!!

On your birthday, go out and buy yourself something you really wanted. And make sure to let him know that it is your birthday present to yourself. Don't be resentful, but it shows you love yourself... which is something we often forget to do for ourselves.
On Valentines, buy a bouquet of roses if that is what you love, and place them on the table... let your kids know that it is for them to admire as we should admire love, and it is a meaning of love for them.. and give your husband a big hug, and let him know that you love him even if the rest of your life all he gave you was his love.

Another thing.. I love valenties... so if you like valentines, enjoy it with your kids... kids love valentines... mine do. Buy things for them, and let them pick out a card for daddy, etc. and tell your husband to take them out to buy something, etc. Go out with them, the movies, etc. Valentines can also be a family thing.

For example, my husband and I, took the kids our to the movies on valentines.. and I totally felt loved. We didn't do cards, or anything else, we just spent it together... and I don't resent him, we just have that mutual agreement that materialistic things aren't as important as what we do together. He knows that is what I love the most, doing things together, feeling united as a family, etc.

By the way, my husband and I have been together 16 years... and we have gone through much of what you are going thru... and then I learned that all I wanted was his love.. and with that comes little things during the year that you don't expect.. like him comming home early.. that is my gift... or enjoying a beautiful day out... or just watching something together once in a while.. going to the movies on a non-valentines day.. etc.

I hope this helps, and remember...nothing is perfect in life.. so we must learn to love those things that are not.. because what seems perfect may be something pretended.. and we don't need that.. we need real unperfect love... And you have it.. enjoy your beautiful family, and love your husband for who he is, and most of all "love" yourself for all you are.

Ok, one more thing... one thing that helps a lot to not letting this world pull you with all it's negativeness.. is not watching too much TV, commercials, etc. And see only what you want for yourself.. as what you see is what you become. Watch this.. hope this helps you with what you need: http://thesecret.tv/

Best Wishes,

C.

Some men just don't get it. If your husband is wonderful in ever other aspect of the marriage, maybe you should let this go. Maybe on Valentines day, you could make a reservation for the two of you at a nice restaurant or make a bubble bath. In the end, it really doesn't matter who makes the plans. As far as your birthday goes, go out by yourself exactly what you want, wrap it and give it to your husband to give to you. Order yourself a cake. (maybe he will get the hint then) Also, tell him you want to show your children how important it is to celebrate birthdays. Make a big deal out of his birthday. Cake, card, etc... I would probably leave out the gift.... Anyway, Commercial holidays are so over rated. Be happy you have a husband who comes home to you every night. Don't nag about the romance stuff. Being a loving family, what more could you possible want. I've been married for 20 years. I guess I'm like the man in the relationship. I've always told my husband no cards (too much money for a piece of cardboard) no flowers (they just die, waste of money) no candy (I'll eat it and get fat)...just keep being the wonderful husband and father that he is. I usually go out and buy what I want. Then I tell him he bought me so and so.

Sometimes they are just not wired that way. Mine is usually pretty good, but last week for our 10th Anniversary he didn't even getr me a card. I was sooooo depressed. Our day wasn't special at all. We didn't have a sitter so we couldn't go out either. He DID make up for it on V-day, though. Just tell him how you feel. If he reads, buy him a book that will open his eyes to being more sensitive to your needs. Another thing that really works for me is consultants/friends and wish lists. My MAry Kay consultant calls him before special occasions and tells him what I want. She even wraps and delivers. All he has to do is write the check. I used to be a MK consultant and did the same thing. It works beautifully. This also works with my frineds. They tell him what I want and even offer to go get it and wrap it for him. And my scrapbook store owners too. So, if you like Pampered Chef, Mary Kay.... anything like that - give it a try. He will get in the habit and you will LOVE it!

Dear E.:
Umber made a great point. If you say you want flowers (or anything for that matter), what will he feel like when he gets you flowers? Like a doll on a string. And you would still feel disappointed because he only did it since you said so. He cannot come up with anything original, if you remind him daily starting three weeks before the special day. Now I am not saying you are, but you get the idea.

My mom was like that. She would drop hints like cow manure - hard to overlook - just before her birthday. Everything she said I crossed off my mental list, even if I had thought of it earlier myself.

I also agree that men tend to be more reluctant to commercial holidays like Valentine's or Mother's Day. How original is it to bring flowers and chocolate on a day advertised everywhere? And eating out on those days is painful, overly expensive and limited in the menu options.

I would do this for starters: Talk to your hubby what you wish for and ask him to pick a day without telling you to treat you especially well. If there are 10 special days with lots of fanfare in a year, he can select out of 355 quiet days and you will truly be surprised. Don't think big. If he takes you to a park in the rain to show you his favorite outdoors spot where you are all by yourself, it could be the most special thing he comes up with, and it would be way more from HIS heart than any flower or ring on V-Day.

We had a commercial in Germany where a guy and a girl were camping or in the woods or something and it rained. It was her birthday and she was sad. Then he pulled out a kind of biscuit (the product of the ad) stuck a little birthday candle in it, and pretended it was her birthday cake and started singing the birthday song. THAT is romantic to a man - not a three story wedding cake from Nieman Marcus. BTW, the biscuit stank, but the ad was awesome.

Finally, if you choose to make a hint, pretend to brush it off, so he does not think you are hoping for it. Since you wrote it off, he MAY be 'sneaky' and get it behind your back for you. Something like: "I LOVE this thingamabob, but I don't think we can afford it - too bad." Then put it back and go elsewhere, so he has a chance to buy it. Or he may come back to get it for you. Or he may not 'get it' still...

Good luck,
W.

I'm all about the hints. If you sit there and wait for a MAN to remember to do something mushy, you are only waiting for disappointment. I know that there are some men out there who will line the floor with rose petals. My friend's husband surprised her with a massage table and chocolate covered strawberries that he made himself!!! That was ten years ago and I'm still shocked by that. My hubby is not like that and he will NEVER be. I start about a week or a month prior to the event and start to pick things out on TV that I want. For V-day this year, I saw a Target commercial with an R&B artist singing a song for a cd that was only at Target. I looked at him and pointed to the TV and said, I'd really like that for V-day. Sure enough, on V-day, I got a card and that CD. For my B-day, I told him I wanted tickets to a show at majestic. Bam! If I didn't get it, there would have been some tears... yes - I'm not above playing princess when I have to! :)

I am in the same boat as you, everyone around me-even a girl who's husband is in Iraq got flowers and candies, or jewelry yesterday. Mine called me at around 11pm and said happy valentines day I am going to bed... He is out of town also... My husband has never been the romantic type and the one time he brought me flowers it was because they had a a sale on Mums at Wal-mart, I was grateful that he thought of me to bring them but on the other hand they are funeral flowers!!!! Creepy! So if you find an answer on how to get an unromantic man to do a 360* please let me know!!! We have been married for about 3 years and together over 6... His excuse is he doesn't want to be like everyone else... blah, blah, blah!!! Good Luck and keep me posted!

It sounds like you are not important to your husband, I mean I hate to sound so harsh, but when you truly love someone you are going to remember everything about them and even special holidays for them. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel, what you are going through is not normal in a marriage well at least a true love marriage. He should be showing you everyday how much he loves you whether it's telling you or showing you in some way. He doen't recognize your worth and that's not fair to you. Ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life with him. I don't mean to brag but my husband and I are still celebrating Valentine's Day as a matter of fact he told me it will end today, I have gotten presents everyday since Valentine's, I know you must feel sad because you have kids for him too. Just pray about your situation because things have to get better and you need to let him know how you truly feels.

This may sound a bit dorky, but my DH is the same way. Valentine's Day...no card, flowers, etc. Nothing. We have been happily married for almost 12 years now. So here is what I do. I go and buy my own flowers. Then when he gets home I show him the flowers and thank him for them. I kiss and hug on him and tell him how much I love them. I "let him off the hook" by taking it into my own hands. The money we have is "our" money and whether he buys the flowers or I do...I got some and I got to pick them out. Oh, but I did put my foot down that there are two non-negotiable holidays that he must provide a card, no gift required just a card. My birthday and our anniversary. (He has jumped out of bed at 11:30pm on my birthday and started putting on clothes while cussing to head out to the store to buy a B-day card, while I sat in bed and cried.) But no longer...I tell him days in advance it is a "card" holiday. Occasionally he will surprise me and himself by getting me a gift and I am always so shocked. This past Valentine's Day was no exception he showed up at home with nothing. On the table was a red velevet cake I baked, a box of his favorite chocolates, a card from me and one from the kids. Nothing from him, but a sheepish look. But I was happy and told him I knew he would share his chocolates with me, and he did. I love getting gifts, but I love him more. I don't know if this will help, but I got tired of expecting things he was never going to "get". {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Was he like that when he was your boyfriend? If so, you should have known better. Now you have a beatiful family and those little things should be ignore. Is he a good provider, father, husband, friend, worker?If so, ignore those little things a be happy. I am sure he was never taught to have details with others or maybe no one had any with him. If that is the only negative thing he has YOU ARE LUCK.
God bless you and your family.

My parents were pre-marriage counselors for 7+ years. When my husband and I got engaged they gave us a few titles to read that they thought/knew we would find helpful. Among these was
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
You can find it on Amazon.com for about $5. Your local library might even have it.
What ended up working for us is open communication about our expectations for shows of affection. The premise of the book is that people give and receive love in different ways. The book helps you examine the five to decide which is your primary & secondary languages.

I recommend this book to you -- I've given it to each of my single friends as they've gotten engaged :-)

hth
K. H,
married for 6yrs in June,
mama to Catherine (4yrs) and Samuel (1yr)