U[DATE Talent Show Gone Wrong for Mom. -Little Long Sorry.

She should talk to the minister because he may be able to help. WIthdrawing isn't helping her son, and it will not help her. Getting support and connecting is what was helping him, and it will help her, even though she is embarrassed.

And her husband needs to get his butt in counseling or the minister should talk to him because his treatment of his son is part of the kid's issues. Dad's a jerk for dumping his anger on his kid and needs to deal with it.

Honestly, why do parents not understand that their words can be destructive? Family counseling would help, not just for this kid - he's not the only one who needs it.

I'm seeing SIX possible 'clear pictures'.

5 of them harmless... And the 6th

Most of them being an awkward kid attempting to do a standard comedic stunt "Heckling & Response" and not doing it well.

(Look at any comedy show where someone in the audience heckles & how the comedian years them up one side & down the other). Extremely skilled comedians can have even the he Klee laughing at themselves. Average comedians just end up exchanging insults that have most of the audience laughing. Inexperienced comedians end up having the audience side with the heckler.

I wasn't there. It could all have been incredibly creepy / bad vibe (and Dad didn't help by making the whole thing serious, instead of playing along "Well, lets see Robert washed my car, Danny forgot to ask for his allowance -too late now Danny!- did you take out the trash? First kid to take out the trash is my favorite!!!" Or something on those lines.

Instead, he derailed the entire purpose of the comedy act, and punched him in the gut -public shaming- in front of everyone.

Ugh.

I am SO MAD at this father, right now. Be ause the kid is obviously trying.

Which is in all 6 versions.

This kid... Who may simply be introverted or shy... Has people shunning him when he ATTEMPTS to be social.

Which is the ONLY similarity between columbine/lamza.

Public shaming.

Which is why I do have a 6th option running.

There are MILLIONS of shy extroverts who want to be a part of, but are too awkward & insecure to join in.

There are MILLIONS of shy introverts, who are happiest to be largely left alone.

We don't have millions of school shootings.

I'm an outgoing introvert... I enjoy being around people. But I NEED time alone. With 8 kids in the family, plus school, etc... LOTS of introverts keep their head down and keep moving.

They simply don't have the energy to be Good Morning America Perky.

So I really feel for this kid.

And I hate what your church is doing.

Instead... If they'd pair up some outgoing mentors for him, start taking him to comedy clubs, really ENGAGE this kid... Instead of freaking out and treating him badly...

Then option 6 disappears.

Because the ONLY commonality here between this kid and kids who go postal is that he has jack all in the way of support.

Millions of shy/introverted kids and adults who DONT go postal are taught by others how to act when overs treat them badly.

Your church is treating him badly.

Pray that SOMEONE has been loving & kind enough to him that he knows it does get better. Because it sounds like no one in your church is.

I personally feel like the perfect person to go to this mother and encourage and support her should be the minister of this church.

I am sure this is a loving welcoming group of parishioners, they are just like you not sure what to think and following that little voice that says something could be wrong.

If there were any time a community needs to come together..especially a church family, it is now. This family needs support. They need professional help and people need to go to them, not walk away from them.

Can you speak with the minister and have her/him come up with a group of people that would be good at reaching out to this mom and her family?

i hope you all do not run away, but instead embrace these people

If he's in counseling, I'd have the mom talk to the counselor. She doesn't sound like she accepts reality very well herself, and maybe could use some counseling on how to deal with her son. I'd also encourage her to talk to her husband about his treatment of the son, and get those guns locked away or taken out of the house. The son sounds rather unstable and joking about such things given what you've said, that would probably be the first thing to do. I'm not making this about guns, I'm making it about safety in a family that doesn't sound too stable. They all need help, it sounds like. Good luck and I probably wouldn't go around your friends house, have your friend visit you.

I don't see where him murmuring "I know where you keep your guns" as his father leaving the stage is a joke. It felt creepy and disappointing to me that even in front of a crowd of people during a routine his own father couldn't play along with him. It's boys like this young man who grow up to be Adam Lanza and the Aurora shooter. I think people have every right to feel alarmed at the comments he made.

Maybe they were jokes, but I don't see it. Or maybe those comments were a sign of something deeper that his family really needs to wake up to.

If anyone at that show felt threatened or worried, including you, then his comments need to be reported to the police at the very least. Get it on the record so that if something ever happens in that family's house, there's a trail.

Some of your post is confusing.

Clay sounds an awful lot like Adam Lanza (the Newtown, CT killer). He would also walk with his head down and was withdrawn from society. This would be a major red flag to me. I think they need to seriously get this kid some help, and they need to seriously remove the guns from the home. Like immediately.

ETA: After reading Bh's response: Umm, they have him in counseling because he's withdrawn. The weirdness during the "comedy" play was not an isolated incident. I think the congregation is well justified in their "hysteria".

She actually may be seeing the clear picture, but is humiliated.

The mom from Newtown probably thought her son had made progress. As we all sadly know, he hadn't. SOMEONE needs to contact his therapist and relay this frightening story. The therapist REALLY needs to know.

Someone also needs to say all the things you have said here, to her.

She carries a terrible burden. The father holds a great deal of blame from what you have detailed here. If there ARE guns in the home, you need to tell them to get the guns the heck out of there. To be honest, if this were my friend, I'd go to a payphone and call the police and anonymously ask them to go talk to the family and ask that the guns be removed for a while.

I feel sorry for her, and for you for the burden you have to bear here dealing with your friend.

Good luck,
Dawn

I would set up a meeting with the pastor ASAP to get some guidance with this situation. It sounds heartbreaking! Sounds like most of the adults in his life are being reactive rather than helpful. I would strongly encourage that the family participate in family therapy to get a professional's opinion of what is going on between this kid and his dad.

What clear picture? Are they saying that they think her son will son be a mass murderer because he made a reference to a batman movie? I would not listen either. People have become so jumpy they are seeing shooters everywhere, when really he sounds like a perfectly normal teen, many of who go through phases where they are withdrawal until some pretty girl or guy pulls them out of their shell. I can not blame her for leaving the church if they are judging her child as a killer when all he did was tell a tasteless joke. Shame on them all, the church is supposed to be a place of loving acceptance, not judge and jury of a child who has done nothing wrong.

I was confused by some of your post? "I encouraged her to go talk with them directly and let her feelings build lies"??? Build lies?? Not sure what this means?

As far as encouraging words for the mother goes, I would tell her that I think pulling away from the church, where the girl that the son likes, whom is probably the main factor in pulling her son out of his shell, is probably the worst possible move on her part. I would encourage her to stay, keep the lines of communication open, ask her pastor/priest/whomever for guidance and help.

Yes, the comedy act was disturbing. It was made so MOSTLY by the Father refusing to play along with the son's bit. I mean C'mon...how hard would it have been for this Dad to say something funny instead of shutting him down, in front of everyone? Don't like to be judgmental, but this Dad sounds like he had a 'bad dad' moment for all to see. Hopefully the members of your church's congregation took that into account and can now see why this kid (although at 19-20 he is more an adult) is so angry and closed off.

To be honest, the Mother is probably NOT seeing the clear picture. It is hard for us Moms to be critical of our kids, that's just a fact but running away from it is NOT GOING TO HELP ANYONE.....IN FACT, IT MIGHT VERY WELL MAKE IT WORSE!

Please, please take the action Dawn recommends below: Talk to this mother alone and press her hard to go see her son's counselor (I hope you mean therapist -- a full-on psychiatrist and not just a counselor). The therapist must be told the details about this comedy "act." The therapist would indeed want to know about this. What you describe prior to the act would have been troubling, but anyone whose social radar right now is so very messed up that they would make cracks about "I know where you keep your guns" is going to get into serious trouble. With a whole congregation of people witnessing this, I would wager that someone has already talked to the local police to flag Clay as a potential problem; and frankly, with all the talk after Newtown about paying more attention to people who sound exactly like Clay (socially isolated, needing to "make progress" socially but already in their early 20s) -- someone is going to talk to the police and ask them to watch hiim or talk to his parents immediately.

He may be harmless. But Adam Lanza's mom also worked hard to get her son help and draw him out of his shell and he was making "progress" just before Newtown ( he had finally learned to drive; they were discussing moving out of state so he could attend a special school, etc.). Parents can be blinded by progress, as you say yourself. Again, Clay may not be any potential problem but he does at the very minimum need to get a social radar and some help -- sounds like his family other than his mom is part of the problem.

Mom is not seeing the clear picture for far too long. This is just the latest incident to indicate that this young man needs professional help. Based only on your description it sounds like he's somewhere on the autism spectrum.

I understand people being frightened by him after his comment about guns. It's likely he didn't mean anything by it. But it's also possible that he said this in anger which makes it more possible that he'll act out in other ways in anger. You said he's an angry person.

Is the mother leaving in spite of the pastor and other people reaching out to her? The way you worded it, it sounds like she's leaving because "they" told her she's not seeing the clear picture. To me this indicates the possibility that she too is so scared she can't consider the possibility that her son needs help.

I urge you to help her see a counselor who treats people on the autism spectrum. She needs to get help in understanding what is going on with her son so that he can get the help he needs. Of course she's scared. It appears she's taking the flight response.

Talk with the pastor about providing support for her. He should be trained to handle this sort of thing but he may not be. You don't say what size the church is or it's denomination. Hopefully, if he's unable to talk with the mother and soothe her fears enough to stay in the church he'll know how to find someone who can help her.

Notwithstanding recent tragedies, many people quote movies, even violent ones, and it WAS a comedy sketch...too much is being made of an off-the-cuff joke that fell flat with the audience. Just because he's reserved is no reason to look at him like he's an incipant murderer and for the whole church to be in an uproar. Cut him and his family a little slack and rein in the hysteria.

Let her know that there are churches out there who are able to deal with challenges like hers.

A further comment on my part: stand up comedy, really? So bold of him! Having worked hundreds of comedy shows, I have seen many comedians who seem like very angry people (or at least that is their act). George Carlin comes to mind. So angry (esp after his wife died), it got to the point where I could not stand to hear his routine. It made me uncomfortable how angry he seemed. I say this to say that some comedians will make you uncomfortable as they do their "bit".

When the young man (who the parishioners already know as being kind of "off") made the gun comment, they may not have known that it was a movie quote. I wouldn't have known. They are right to be concerned. I would hope that the pastor/minister/priest would speak with your friend and the congregation to make it comfortable for her to continue attending services there. It sounds like the young man has made some amazing progress and this is wonderful, but he also needs to learn that it's really never okay to make that sort of comment, that people will misunderstand and feel threatened. We have issues like these with the special ed students that I work with, who have trouble understanding that we can't make comments about shooting, can't make shooting noises or motions in school. Their parents haven't taught them that it is simply not acceptable and against the rules.