Two Month Old Twins and a 2 1/2 Year Old

i only have one 2 month old and my 3 yr old daughter and the baby is somewhat high needs. i agree its hard about the crying but although i practice attachment parenting, i find with my 2nd i dont always have a choice. going to the potty, getting lunch, getting all of us dressed, i sometimes have to let the new baby cry a bit to get whatever it is done, or else NOTHING gets done. and then with the normal household duties of cleaning, laundry, wash, ect, along with my daughter saying "come play with me", it sometimes is a bit much. i cant imagine with 2 babies.
you didnt mention how your daughter is about it. it might bother you more than her kwim. my daughter has been better than i could have imagined. it sounds like you are doing an excellent job so give yourself alot of credit!!! i dont have any advice as i am learning myself, but the one thing i must tell you to get is a sling. it will be your life saver. go to thebabywearer.com and you can find info on all the different kinds available. having my hands free is so helpful. the baby is not a napper but when she falls asleep in it, she sleeps for hours. its not the same as a snugli or bjorn, as what you want is a carrier where the baby is up directly to you with nothing separating you, and the baby feels just as when you hold them. i really think you should check it out. email me if you have any questions, i tried all the different types till i found what works. good luck

Hi M.!

I don't have twins except I have almost 3 1/2 and 15 month old girls. When my little girl was born my older girl was 2 1/2 and I know it was hard on me with one, let alone two. I can say that getting my older daughter involved helped tremendously. Have your little girl help when the twins are getting fussy and you need to tend to them if you are not doing that already. Have her help when they aren't fussy either. Ask her to get the wipes and diapers when you are changing them. It is definitely hard. The best advice that I received ever was "Most of all remember it is the quality of time you spend with your daughter - not the quantity".

Good Luck!
S.

I had 3 kids one year apart and had a similar problem. I used to hold and feed the baby while reading to the other kids. They were unaware of the baby, and just focused on the story. I also gave piggy rides on my foot while feeding the baby - good for my body and gave attention to the older child. I also learned that 2 year olds CAN dress themselves and help retrieving diapers, bibs etc. I also found that babies who are dry, fed and burped CAN cry a bit without my attention. In fact I would say to the baby, "Just a minute, Kelly, Mommy is busy right now with Kim." That would make the older child feel that she, too, was important. Hope this helps a bit!

Do you have a good carrier for your fussy baby? Most babies, especially fussy ones love the sensation of being swaddled in a carrier. Mobywraps are great and inexpensive, hotslings are nice too. The great thing is that your hands will be free to attend to your daughter. Hotslings even has a childsize sling so that they can carry a dolly or dinosaur or whatever. Show your daughter how to care for her dolly the way you care for her siblings.

Well, I didn't have twins but I had my first 4 kids in 4 years. So I have a pretty good idea of your balancing act...All mine were 16mo's apart and then 2 years later we had our 5th...A great investment is a front carrier or you can get one of those wraps or slings...with both of those you can even be mobile while you nurse! A great way to look at things is to remember your daughter will never remember this time as she gets older so even if you are having replacement issues as you adjust...she will never remember or feel replaced unless you teach her to feel that way...Try to include her as much as you can in the everyday things...can you get me a diaper, bottle, toy, book...etc...teach her how to clear her place and pick out her clothes( you can roll outfits together as you put them away and she can just chose a bundle)...the more you teach her to help with the small things, the less time you spend doing them and the more time you spend together...she can make her bed(pull up her blanket and arrange an animal or 2, it won't be perfect but it will come in time).Designate a snack basket and fill it with things she can have...raisins, animal crackers...that when if she needs a snack and your hands are full, she can go get one...By giving her some big girl responsibilty you will make her feel proud of herself, help her become independant and have more time to play with her...a playdough mat, a bubble gun(battery operated) and books are really easy things to play with while you are one handed....my boys loved when I would nurse, they would run and get a book....you could also have her cook( or a tea party) for you and dance to music while you're holding someone. I have no multiple mom guilt, whatever attention your children don't get from you they get from each other....I had someone ask me if I felt guilty before I had my 5th and I don't...what is there to feel guilty about, I brought each baby into a loving home, each child luckier than the last because they have one more person to love them and give them attention, besides I'd rather my children learn from the start, sometimes you just have to wait...my favorite line is probably hey, there's five of you and one of me... I hope this helped, best of luck!

do you have a sling/baby carrier? maybe the one who needs held often could be carried in one and you would have your hands more free to do things with your daughter?

just an idea...

No twins, but I do have three children. After the birth of my third I worried about how I would divide the time. My midwife told me that giving my children a sibling was one of the best things I could do for them. They learn that they have to wait sometimes and that they are not the center of the universe. They also learn that sometimes it is their turn to be first and to feel special. There's a great book called, "Siblings Without Rivalry." I got some great information and coping techniques that I still use. Just remember when things get frustrating that these little brothers are one of the greatest gifts you could give her. I was also able to get a lot done for the other children with the help of a Baby Bjorn carrier.

My oldest just turned 4 years old in February and my triplets are 21 months old. He was 2 years and 4 months old when the triplets were born, so I think we have the same age difference. It is extremely hard. Does your daughter go to preschool? We kept my son in his preschool before and after they were born, so it really helps during the day. Of course, there is a lot of multiple mom guilt. The guilt of not spending enough time with the older sibling. The guilt of not spending enough time with each of the multiples. When my husband gets home with our older one, I try to switch and spend time with my older one. As they get older, you will see that your daughter will want to play with them. I say keep doing what you are doing. If you can get a triplet stroller so she is included that is great. The best thing is to include her in the care of the twins as much as possible. She can help hand you the diapers. She can help with the bottles. My son calls the triplets "his babies" and tries to help whenever he can. And of course, any help that you can get TAKE! When she turns 3, sign her up for dancing school! That's mommy and me time. During the week, see if you have a neighbor, maybe one that is around 12 or 13 years old that can come in as a mother's helper. She can play with your daughter while you are home. She can also help watch the twins while you spend time with her as well. Since you are home, she will really just be another pair of eyes for you. She can tell you if the twins are fussy, need changing, etc. Also, use the swings! We also used the bottle buddies pillows to help with holding the bottles. Our favorite bouncer seat is the FisherPrice Papasan. As they get older, use the exersaucers and the jumperoos to help them entertain themselves so you can divide your time. Most importantly, if one of the babies is fussy, try to see the source. If it's gas, the drops could work. My husband read the Happiest Baby on the Block and he became a pro at swaddling and that always helped calm them down at that age. Unfortunately, when you have multiples, you have to try different things so you can balance your time. Good luck!

Unfortunately, at this moment in time, I have absolutely no advice for you, but I wait anxiously to read the advice that others will write because in a matter of weeks, I will be in your situation. I am 35 weeks pregnant with my twins and my daughter who I have lavished all my love and attention upon is 2 years and 8 months old. I am hoping that this transition in her life goes well because she is very maternal with dolls and other people's babies, but I am concerned that it will all be different once the babies are in her Mommy's arms. M., take comfort in knowing that there are other people out there going through this, or about to go through this.

M., congratulations on your new arrivals! The twins are still young. Although your daughter is used to being the only one, this adjustment period will mature her and she will learn and grow from it in time. I have a 2.5 year old boy and 9 month old daughter. When I first brought her home I didn't know what to expect nor how I was going to handle meltdowns from my toddler. He is very needy and always asking for help creating train tracks and hooking trains together and getting things off shelves and putting in movies and asking for snacks etc. So I can imagine how you are feeling taking care of twin newborns and a toddler who is not used to having siblings!

I have to tell you that before you know it you will have establisehd a routine at home that works for everyone. It is still early and with all the great advice you have received I am confident that by the time your twins are 4 or 5 months old you will have a routine down and your daughter will have accepted them as permanent additions to the family.

Always try and involve your daughter in the picture. What I would do was always look to my son and say "Uh oh. Your little sister is crying. What do you think is wrong? What do you think we should do? Do you think she's hungry?" Etc. I would let him give his opinion and suggestions. Let him follow me in to the diaper changes or ask him to hold her bottle while I got the bib. Also, when I was feeding the baby I would still interact with him verbally. I would ask him about his friends, what shirt he was wearing, what animals he likes, about a show on TV, about his train tracks, etc. I would keep a conversation going so he knew that I was still concerned and interested in his life even when I was attending the infant.

Another problem we had in our adjustment period was our toddler learning to wait his turn. He was very impatient at first. He wanted his needs met NOW. We taught him how to "wait his turn" by role playing with his trains. We would put one train on the tracks and tell the other trains to "wait their turn". I would also talk to our infant and tell her to wait her turn when I was meeting my toddler's needs so that he could learn the "give and take" of it.

When we would ride in the car together if the infant started crying I would ask my toddler for help singing to the infant. He would join in song. And just yesterday we were in the car (the baby is now 9 months)and she was crying away and I hear my son start singing a nursery rhyme to her with no cueing; completely on his own.

Just the other day we set up a small nerf basketball hoop and we were all taking turns at the basket. Even my 9 month; I would carry her over to the basket and "help" her throw the ball in the hoop. My toddler quickly caught on and was happily asking her to take turns at the basket. Completely oblivious that I was carrying her. He just saw her as one of the players. Even when I left the room I could hear him asking her if she wanted a turn at the basket.

Always emphasize how much the twins will look up to her and how she is going to be an example to them. Praise her a lot for being a "good sister". Buy a toddler book about being an older sibbling and read it to your daughter. The book will help your daughter realize that other boys and girls have siblings too and will also show her all the things she can do that the baby's can't. She can eat ice cream and play dress up princess but the newborns can't!

Also, I know your twins are still so young but once they are older your daughter will be able to see them more as real people once they start interacting and responding. Always keep the "we are a family" mentality rather than them vs. her. Use "we" more than you use "you" and "them" so that your toddler can mature out of the "me, me, me" stage. Even though now that the twins are so young it will seem silly to include them in some games or activities, your toddler can just get into the habbit now of always including them.

I always make my toddler say goodnight to the baby and give her kisses and to say good morning etc. After a while they do it without cuing. They learn the consideration from you. At age 2 they copy behavior so much that you can easily mold them by just repeating phrases and routines that you want them to adopt. If you routinely ask your daughter to kiss the twins before bed after a while she will naturally do it on her own. If you conciously and outloud explain how the twins are hungry and sad because they want their milk rather than just: they cry and you feed them-- your daughter will learn the empathy from your voice and your words. When the twnis are crying if your daughter hears you say "oh poor babies, are you hungry? Do you want some milk?" You will soon hear your daughter copying you. When the twins cry you will hear her say "poor babies, are you hungry? Mommy, the twins want milk" etc. It happens naturally.

It is also good advice to have one-on-one time when possible with just your daughter as some other mom's suggested. I hope my suggestions will help you as well.

As far as your household chores think about getting some extra help or otherwise don't stress too much and let some chores wait.

Best of luck, M..

Regards,
R.

Hi, My name is L.. When my twins were born my daughter was not yet two and my older son was 5. I totally get it! My daughter was the princess, the baby, and then two premature collicky infants came into the picture. They both cried all the time (They were both allergic to everything I ate - eventually I gave up eating anything but veggies, fruit, meat and fish.) My daughter cried every day and I was unable to console her. She was heartbroken. I got some excellent advice from a friend who had twins. She told me that what ever I had to do, even if it meant take a second mortgage on the house, I had to get domestic help. We got someone to help clean once a week and a babysitter to come in and especially pay extra attention to my daughter. Also, if the baby cries no matter what, someone else can hold him while you attend to your daughter. It is still unbelievably hard even with help. You would not be copping out - just trying to help all your kids get the attention they need. We started going to library story hour alone (just an hour and a half a week. Even a breastfed baby can handle that). And later, when they were 7 months or so, did a one morning a week play group at our local Waldorf school.
Have you tried wearing the baby who cries a lot? A sling can be a God-send. If you do not know how to use it, call a local la leche league leader for help. Even if you are not nursing, I am sure someone would be happy to help. At 4 months my boys sat under one of those gymini mats that have the toys dangling over head - I got an extra large one. They each had a swing. Any device you can get that buys you a little bit of time is great. I avoided the battery operated noisy toys. The more stimulation they get like that, the more they will demand to be pacified. Your house will get even noisier and less peaceful. I found that rocking in the swing or sling and other natural movements and sounds were much more soothing. The same goes for tv. It might help pacify in the moment, but it works them up over all, unsettles them and disturbs sleep.

My daughter was really into cutting bananas with a cheese spreader, playing in the bathroom sink with water, gentle soap and rubber ducks, and I got water color paints. My two older kids would paint every night before dinner. The water color tubes are what worked best - just squirt a dab in a little bowl and give a little bit of water mix. It has some cleanup, but not as much as the tempura paints and it buys some peace of mind and quiet while you prep dinner. I got an oilcloth (sponge washable) table cloth. That made clean up easier for crafts and meals.

My daughter loved to dress up. I let her change her clothes ten times a day in she wanted. I got her ballet clothes and fairy/princess clothes. We read books like fancy Nancy and fairy books and poems. This supported her fairy/princess fantasy and helped her play on her own pretty well.

I must run now, but am happy to talk or have you contact me. ###-###-####. ____@____.com time is really hard, but it will make you strong! It will be ok. But please, get some help!!!
L.

I've been there! My twin girls were born when my son was 2 1/2. I don't have time to write a lot now, as I am off to spend the morning with my son alone... but feel free to write back to me. My girls are now 18 months and my son is almost 4. Here's my suggestion about the one who needs to be held so much. But him in a front carrier (Bjorn) and let him hang out while you play with your daughter.
-Kat

Hi

I'm not in your exact situation but I do have twins. One thing that I found was a lifesaver was this foam bottle holder called Mother's Milk Maid. Here's the link: http://www.greatbabyproducts.com/Baby_Bottle_Holder_p/pro...
My guys are 10 1/2 mo. old and I still use them everyday. This way, the babies could drink their bottles and you could do something with your daughter or, if you're out, you don't have to stop shopping, etc. Just use the holders and keep going. Best of luck to you.
D.

I have asimilar situation. My boys are 19 months apart. an older with twins. I would make sure I snuggled with and read to the older son while the twins were sleeping, and explained how I need "help" from him when they were awake. If you set things up your older daughter can be involved in helping lyou do things, like handing you the next piece of clothing to put on. She can also help entertain one of the twins by talking and being cuddly with her favorite stuffed animal and including the twin in on it, saying things like Suzy and Timmy love little Bouncy Bear. Its tough, I know, but the children all need to know you love them, and other things like a perfect house has to wait, feeding, clean babies and clean clothes, and most impportantly the children all feeling your warmth is the most important.

M., have you tried inviting your daughter to participate in caring for the babies, with little things like handing you a diaper, and thanking her for her help? When your son cries, perhaps you could sit down beside your daughter, hold your son from head to waist, and let your daughter hold him from waist down, telling her how much you love her, that you used to hold her when she was a baby, and that her brother already loves her and feels better when she helps to hold him.

D. - mother of four adult chidren, with five grandchildren and six great-grandchildren

M.-
i had a similar situation. my oldest was 14 months old when i had my twins and they were the fussiest 2 babies i have ever seen! i had b/g twins and my girl was (and still is) the more fussy temperament. get used to the guilt, it won't go away. if it is in the budget, get help with housework etc or try a mother's helper-usually a highschool girl who will help out after school. i did this for a while and it helped. i went for walks a lot too. it was the only way to quiet everyone down. if your oldest is old enough to walk, then just put the twins in a stroller, if not use a baby sling or baby bjorn thing. my oldest is now about 2.5 and my twins are about 18 months and i finally have moments of peace when everyone is playing well. i also have them on the same nap schedule, which helps me recharge my own batteries. i also found a teething product that really helped with the twins fussiness. they have to be 4 months old to use it, but it is called Gentle Naturals Homeopathic Teething Drops. do a web search to find it,i usually got it at my local Target. it works wonders. it is basically chamomile, so it is safe, but check with your Ped if your concerned. i do still feel guilty that everyone is not getting enough 1 on 1 time with me or my husband, so this summer we will be starting a "special day" program. once a month (any day of your choosing) have you or your husband spend uninterrupted time with child 1-take him to a park, a zoo, out to breakfast, whatever. the next month is child 2's turn, the next month child 3 and then repeat with the other adult. it is at least a start. i also read somewhere that you should give the attention to the older child because he/she is more aware. the baby won't know you made him cry for 10 minutes or 15 minutes. good luck, it is very hard, but stay strong and try to take time for yourself too!

My son was just 3 when my twins sons were born. They were premature so I brought one boy home while the other stayed at the hospital. The older boy accepted Twin A but in a few weeks when Twin B came home...OH BOY...he cried for three hours and made me promise not to go out again. (I believe he thought I'd come home with another baby.) My advice to you is not to worry!!! Things work out just fine...trust me..the oldest son is now 24 and the twins 21. The have a great relationship and I don't think the oldest son could have turned out to be a more terrific person...Good luck and God bless you