My twin daughters are 17 months old and the bigger one has started having moments where she throws anything (toys, TV remote, shoes etc) with unfortunate accuracy at her smaller twins head. She will also get a bit heavy handed when playing with her sister. I think she sees this as a game. She has even thrown things at me. This has been going on for about a month and I have tried time out, ignoring it, saying a firm NO, and even confiscating her beloved Lamby but to no avail. Her sister has become afraid of her now which breaks my heart. I have had older family members suggest I tap her hand but I don't want to go down the physical punishment route.
Any advice would be really appreciated as we travel tomorrow to stay with family for 10 days and I want to be able to confidently react to this situation without being told to give her a slap on the hand.
Tell her "NO!" Remove her IMMEDIATELY to a safe place (pack and play, room with baby gate, whatever). Repeat each and every time with calm consistency.
I too have twin daughters and we were in the same situation around the 18 month phase. I am not sure if it is because they are trying to establish territory or test their limits. The thing(s) that worked for us were
a) remove all heavy objects and toys from their play area,
b) try and stop the act before it hit the other child (not very successful, as she has a great arm)
c) When she threw things or snatched toys, we always focused on the losing twin and give her more attention, so that we reinforced positive behaviour
d) Show her how it feels when her lovey gets time out because the lovey was naughty.
I feel your pain, but it will get better, my girls now play nicely with each other are often making play breakfast for each other and sometimes I get invited too.
:-)
Have you consistently over time taken away whatever she's thrown, removed her from her sister while calmly telling her not to throw and how it hurts her sister? Then once she's calm, having her tell her sister sorry while you commiserate with the sister about how it hurts?
Always take immediate action to separate her from the items and her sister if she's angry with her sister. If she's doing this as inappropriate play skip separating them and remind her it hurts and ask for an apology.
I suggest that time outs won't work at 17 months. That's just 1 1/2 minutes and not time enough for her to understand anything. Taking away her lamby or anything unrelated to the throwing does not teach anything either. She sees no connection between the lamby and her action. Saying just a firm no, is not effective at this age unless saying no for other things works. You need to combine the no with action on your part.
I suggest it may help for you to spend more time playing with the two of them showing her how to play safely. Talk about what you're doing. Model play for her.
I suggest that consistent taking away the items, putting them out of her reach for a day or so, going to her and physically removing her from the action, talking calmly with her about what is appropriate, and helping her to apologize with show improvement in a short period of time. But, you have to do this each and every time it happens.
There is no quick and easy fix. Her brain is very immature. She has poor impulse control and little if any understanding of how her actions affect her sister. This is a situation that requires patience and a teaching mode on your part.
Slapping her hand may not help anyway, with a child who is really aggressive, which it sounds like your daughter is. Instead, get a pack 'n play, take it with you to your family's house, and put it somewhere in a corner out of the way. (Use it in your house, too.) This is the time out place you should use. You need to watch her like a hawk - no leaving her alone with her sister. EVERY SINGLE TIME she starts this stuff, including if she hits an adult, plop her in the pack 'n play. You keep the sibling away from her too, while she's in time out.
When you are putting her in time out, you tell her "Hands are for helping, not hurting" and "We do NOT throw things" etc. Try not to use the word "no" very often. Then walk away and ignore her. She should not have any attention during the timeout. Usually time out is a minute for each year, but I would actually make her stay in there for at least 5 minutes in order to break the cycle of aggression towards her sister. It also helps your other daughter to see that you are taking up for her.
When she gets older, if she still has not turned this around, you will need to get tougher with her. I have no problem with a pop on the clothed bottom with your hand (not an instument) for an older child, and if this gets worse, you may need to employ that. It has to do with if you can break her of this habit now.
I actually don't think that you should lavish attention on your other daughter - tend her injuries and give her a quick hug, but don't lavish attention on her. You chance teaching her that she can get you to punish her sister and love on her by goading her sister into hitting her so that she gets in trouble. You don't want that.
Good luck.
I don't have twins, but two children very close in age. I like the ideas of immediately removing her from the area and then lavishing positive attention on the other child. Maybe even give the other child a snack or special toy for good behavior. Once she keeps seeing this she'll hopefully want the good attention -- and when you see her playing nicely lay it on thick with the both of them. Someone once told me exagerating positive vibes with children this age is good.
