Trying to Decide on Fourth Child

I have 3 girls ages 9,8 and 2. In my opinion I think it is easier to have them spaced out my first 2 are 13monthes apart and this last one is so much easier I can spend 1 on 1 time with her and not feel like I am leaving anyone out. The older girls love having her they say she is so much fun! I had my tubes tied after having my youngest and I am regreting it a little I think If it weren't for such a rought pregnancy I wouldn't of had them tied. This is just my opinion.

I am finding that my kids are getting more and more expensive as they get older so I would definitely consider that.

I am a 36 year old mom with 4 kids. My two oldest are 7 year old twins. My 3rd child is 5 years younger than his brothers, and although we decided to have another... he has no problems with the gap. He loves his brothers and follows them everywhere, and yet, he's happy when they are at school and he has mom to himself. The older two just adore him, and teach him all sorts of things I'd prefer if he didn't know! Also, I am the oldest of two in my family, and my sister is 8 years younger than me. We are best friends, and have always been! The gap meant nothing!

I have a 12 year old, 8 year old and a 4 month old so I understand your concern about the last one feeling left out. I certainely don't regret having my 3rd but it has completely changed the way my life was before. My two older ones were in school full time and I was busy pursuing many things outside the home. I had to give up two part time jobs that I loved and sometimes I feel very trapped. I'm not to worried about my baby feeling left out because my older two absolutely adore him and he has cousins that are under a year old that live close by. If you have a lot of family support or have other babies that he will be able to play with I would say go for it. It does sound like you have a lot on your plate so maybe you should at least wait until your done with school. I'm 37 and I think your still young enough to wait. My neighbor had her 5th child at age 44. I was very "on the fence" about having my third and then God decided for me. A blessing no doubt but it was hard to get used to after the freedon I had with my 2 older ones in school. Good luck. God Bless you and your family.

Hi M.,
I think you already know the answer to your question. Go ahead and have that baby before it's too late. My mother had nine, and although it was not always easy, she always says the only regret she has is not having a few more children! You'll have another stone to add to your Mother's Ring, huh?

N. D.

I have four kids (13, 9, 3, and 1) and am actually trying for number 5 now. We were nervous about the 6 year gap between our two older ones and the younger ones. (Not intentional, just took forever to get preggers!) I actually find that the older ones look out for the little ones more and they still play together. Plus the younger ones have more Mommy time while the older ones are at school. It makes it easier for me to give individual attention. Plus, you'll love it when you have the older ones to babysit when they get a little older! Best of luck!!!

I am also trying to decide the same thing. I am 37 and have 3 children. 3 girls, 3, 9, and 11. To answer the question about the gap in age, it was great! My two older girls thought Charley was the best thing ever. They were older, so could help a lot. When I got home from the hospital, they begged to feed her bottles, and play with her. I had so much more freedom, than having the 2 little ones at home the first time. AND i knew how to make a baby sleep and potty training and all that. My older kids friends still come over to play with my 3 year old.
My deal is now she is in preschool, I want to turn my part time job into a career, and don't want to give that up. My husband would happily stay home, but makes a lot more money than I could to start. Another issue with a 4th child.

If money isn't an issue, or working, I would go for it.

C. K.

Hello M.,

Actually its kind of funny here on my end. I am 41 and started early with my kids. I have three girls and one boy, ages 22, 19, 16 and 15. They bugged me all last year that I should have them another baby brother or sister.. NOT on your life I told them lol. Besides I couldn't have another one because I had a partial hyterectomy. Anyway.. My oldest child (daughter) was 7 years old when my youngest daughter was born. She was thrilled! She even got to go to the ultrasound with me. She was little mommy to her three younger siblings, to the point that I had to remind her who the mommy really was lol.

I think its great that your thinking about it. Four children are definately a hand full, but worth every minute! Don't worry about the age difference... It will be fine.

Good Luck
T.

If you really want another child, consider adoption, especially since you had the problem with the IUD and subsequent miscarriage. Also, overpopulation is a very severe problem in our world. Even though U.S. citizens do not have as many children as those in many developing countries, each person here uses much, much more in the way of resources. Besides, you would be providing a home and family to a child in need. Of course, there are inherent difficulties with adoption, but I believe the advantages outweigh the difficulties.

i have 4 children. My oldest a boy is 25, my daughter is 20, then two sons 17 and 15. My intention was to have 3 children. I was blessed with 4. However the great distance btween my oldest and youngest has left thme with not much of a close sibling relationship. My younger two are best buddies. My oldest was 4and half when my duaghter was born. He had a life and friends of his own by the time she was any "fun". they have not been very close. My hope was that I wuld have 3 kids with 2 or 3 years apartof each that didn't work out yioucna't always plan. But i do wish the first two were closer in age and I do think that the farther apart they are, the more didfficult it becomes for them to be close when they are young. It may change when they get older but I am not at that point yet. I should mention too that my oldest moved out when he was 20( bought his own small home(no girlfriend or baby involved just ready to go and the interst rates were favorable), so my youngest was only 10. Our family dynamics changed significantly because my oldest was no longer part of our family plans because he had a life, jobs, house etc. Be at peace with your decision because there is no turning back, of course, and you will always wish something is different. Raising teenagers is very challenging. even when you are raising good kids. You will have two teenagers, a middle schooler and a very young child and it will be very different than what you are experiencing right now . Life is intersting is it not?

Dear M.,
I have a 12 year old adn a 2 year old. I am 40 years old and am praying to have more. I can not begin to tell you how much of a blessing it is to have my children. My 12 year old helps so much but I am careful to not put much responsibility on her so that she can still just be a kid.
Yes, yes, yes, please consider more children...listen to your children. G-d may have a special blessing that you could not receive in any other way.
E.

Hi M., although I am a mother and have 3 children 5,4,and almost 2 I am responding to your dilema from my experience as being the youngest by a long shot. I have 6 brothers and sisters who are all 2yr or less apart and then almost 7 yr later came me, surprise! My parents always say I was the best thing that ever happened to them (I know too kind right?) Although I actually really believe them. They had so much more time to spend with me and were able to really enjoy raising me being much more experienced and relaxed at that point in their lives. Yes during my teenage years I really wished I had a sibling close in age to me. Although when I was in grade school I can remember all my friends being jealous that I had big brothers and sisters. But for the most part I loved my place in our family. My brothers and sisters loved having me around and always took me places with them. As I got older they were an awesome source for advice. I saw them as older and cool and as having real day and age experience, I really listened to them more than I would my parents.I also think I kept a lot of energy and excitment in our family for many years and really kept my parents young and active. Now, as adults, age really doesn't matter and I am so grateful and lucky to have so many people to love and depend on.
hope this helps
M.

M.,
First let me say I am sorry for your loss. No matter the situation it is not easy losing a baby. Moving on now, Big gaps in age have pros and cons. I am 8 yrs older than my sister. Growing up I was thrilled to have a little sister, when Teen years hit I never wanted much to do with her, but was there for her just the same, And now that we are grown, she is turning 24 next month, I think I have more stability to help her thru her rough times. etc. - on a different note, I have a son that is 23 years younger than his half brother. My husband had not intended on any more children til he met me. So when we got pregnant it was a big step for him and my step son. But since day one has been an active figure in my son's life and a wonderful role model too. My boy love his big brother. Looking back now, I wouldn't change a thing. Good luck on your decision!

Hi M.:
I wouldn't worry about the youngest feeling left out. My sister and I are 4 years apart and then my mom got re-married and had my half-brother when I was 12 and my sister was 8! We enjoyed taking care of him until we went to college then he got the "only child" treatment when he was a teenager (he was so spoiled, he loved it!). Now that we're all adults, we're very close. He trusts us with issues he wouldn't feel comfortable talking to our parents about. I think it's a great family dynamic. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

my parents were 16 and 18 when they had me, married young, and divirced before i was 2. i was only child growing up, but had lots of friends to play with growing up. i didn't bother me, i didn't know anything else...all i knew was that my friends with siblings only ever fought with each other. well eventually both my parents remarried...my mom wasn't able to have any more kids, but my dad and his 2nd wife had a daughter when i was almost 20. it's great...we are great buddies. people used to mistake her for my child wehn we went out. but i've always been willing to keep her, take care of her, have fun with her. all i can is if you want another one...go gor it. i'm sure there will be times when the kids will want to play with it and include it and other times they won't...it's jsut natural. just make sure that you and dad give the child lots of love and attention and try to get him/her involved in a play group or something so he'she has interction with kids the same age.

i wouldn't want you to assume that a fourth child would be left out due to a large age gap. it could be quite the reverse. if your other children are excited about having a younger sibling, then it could turn out great! they can help with bathtime, changing, playing, eventually schoolwork and mentoring as this kid's gonna look up to his or her siblings and idolize them. coming from the perspective of a youngest child myself, it's not the age gap that matters, but how you decide to bring your family together that counts.

My husband is the youngest of 5 and his closest sibling is 8 years older than him. He talks fondly of his childhood and he never talks about feeling left out. I think the older kids would dote on the younger one which is what my husband's brothers and sister did for him. If you want another child I think you should go for it!

P.S. My mom is also the youngest of 5 and her closest sibling was 9 years older than her. I don't think she ever felt left out either!

Ours are 7 and a half years apart and although they were not always best friends were fine most of the time. Both boys.
Since you have a girl she will probably be a little mother to the baby and wether it is a boy or girl I bet the boys will be great big brothers to him or her.
I lost a baby between my 2 from the same problem. Darn IUD's. I had a copper 7 which no one told me able nor did they tell me it needed to be removed after a few years.

I have three kids, 17, 15 & 3. If your big concern is that child feeling left out, let me tell you that they will probably receive more love & attention from your older kids than you can imagine! My daughter is the baby and her big brothers spoil her rotten & give her lots of attention. They play with her, bring their friends by to see her. She's the life of our house & entertains all of us. We included my boys in a lot with my pregnancy for her. They went with us for ultrasounds and the day we found out her sex. We went out to dinner afterwards to talk about it. They couldn't wait to see her when she was born. They felt her move in my tummy, they just felt such a strong bond to her. My daughter also plays very well by herself, she goes to daycare 2 days a week, preschool one day a week and Sunday school at church so she gets plenty of interaction with other kids her age. (I work from home so I felt it was really important to keep her socialized for the very reason that she's the baby & doesn't have anyone to play with at home her own age.) Keep me updated M.. I would love to hear what you end up deciding!

Dear M.-
I have two children and they are very far apart in age. My oldest is 9 and his younger brother is 3 going on 4. So there is a big gap in their ages. For the most part they get along.I see the struggles that both of my kids face, one isn't big enough to do the "big Kid" activities and the older one wants to do things with out his little brother trying to constantly tag along, but in the end know that they will always love each other. I do know that they have their very special moments and it's those moments that make it all worth it. I think that once my youngest is in school then it'll be a different ball game. For now he stays home with me and is a part of my home-based childcare. We have a world of fun. Hope this helped. Let me know how it goes. Good Luck.

I have 2 beautiful boys, 8 and 6. When they were 7 and 5 we found out ~ much to our surprise ~ that I was pregnant! I was 36 and would be 37 when the baby was born. I was TERRIFIED! My boys, however, were ecstatic! Well let me tell you, we now have the most beautiful girl in history! ;-)
No, we didn't plan on her, but I told everyone that God's plan was different than mine, and he's a lot smarter than I am! My boys are fabulous with her, and she's the best thing that's happened to us. We were finished, and we were very happy, but now our family is complete!
Don't worry about the age difference, it'll be like he/she has 5 parents ~ poor thing! My boys are great with her, and my 6 year old thinks she's his. I thought the newness would wear off a little, but she's almost 6 months and they still can't keep their hands off her.
When we first found out I was pregnant, we both freaked out. My boys were planned, she wasn't. The night we found out, my husband really freaked out, and I cried. I told him I didn't want the baby to feel like he or she wasn't wanted. Well believe me, she'll never feel that way. I thank God everyday for such a beautiful blessing.
Good luck with your decision, and let me know if you have anymore questions. My biggest fear was my age, but if you're planning on having a baby, just make sure you're taking your folic acid beforehand.
Mich

My aunt and Uncle have 1 in college, 2 in high school and a 2 year old. They love every minute of it. It was an unexpected child but still wouldn't think of it any different. The older kids all help more and baby sit with the new baby.

I am the oldest sibiling of four children. I am twenty years older than my youngest sister, there are eleven years between me and my other sister and five years between me and my brother. Despite the age difference between me and my sibilings,we had a wonderfull childhood together and still keep in close contact today. I'm sure there were challenges that my poor Mom had to face with raising children in different stages of life, but she has said over and over again that she wouldn't change a thing.

Hi M.!
We have 4 ages 8,5,3 and 9 mos. The 4th was a surprise. We weren't sure we were done but thought we would adopt instead. At 3, I wasn't sure I was finished and I'm very glad to have 4 but now I feel maxed out at 4. Although, I can see how family's that have 4, could easily go to 5 because it doesn't seem like it would be that much more difficult. The thing that holds me back is that I've had 2 c-sections and couldn't bear another. And I work full time so it gets hard to find childcare solutions for that many kids, let alone a car that fits that many car seats!
As far as the age gap, I'd say that we're all born in our birth order for a reason known only by God. So if you are blessed with another child, that's exactly where that child is supposed to be. I'd also suggest that if you are concerned about that, consider my comment about having 5. The way we look at it, that's just more love to go around for everybody, especially when we get older. We love having a big family around us.
Not sure I answered your question specifically but that's my 2 cents :)
L. Mercer
Heritage Makers Independent Consultant and Director
____@____.com

Have it all.....Family. Success. Your own business in the new and exploding digital scrapbooking market. More details at www.PictureYourLife.com

Mom of 4 with a full time job LOVING LIFE! See how I do it at......www.HowWeCanHaveItAll.com

I have 5 kids. When my 5th was born, the others were almost 17, almost 15, 11, and 8. There are so many pro's and con's that it is hard to list. Our youngest (now 12) doesn't feel neglected at all. Her oldest 2 siblings now have children of their own and being an Aunt is so fun. One of her brothers lives at home now and is going to school so she still has someone else in the house. One of the biggest downsides for us was that all of our family activities tended to be around teenagers and the youngest missed out on activities like going to the zoo and park and things like that. Instead she spent most nights on bleachers or at band concerts.... of course, now, it is all about her so I guess it works out. You and I have a lot in common, two years ago we moved again (my 20th home in 30 years of marriage). Whatever you decide it will work, moms can make it work and you are right, you never regret having a child!

You say your husband has always wanted a fourth. I say go for it. I have a 10 year space between my first and second. Sometimes our planning doesn't always work out the way we want it to. Your three older children will be the biggest help and the fourth child will be a blessing. If you choose not to try you will always wonder what you missed. Better to live with no regret later on. You will never regret another child you all love.

Hi M.,

I am a mom of 6 kids and went through the exact same thing. My husband and I thought we were done having kids and had stopped at 4. When my youngest was 5 my husband said to me that he would like to have another baby. I told him right away that if we have 5 then we will have 6 because I did not want that child to grow up without someone close to his age. This was the best decision I have ever made. The kids are 2 years apart and if I had the chance to do it again I would do it exactly the same way. Some people thought I was crazy for this kind of thinking but, I think I was planning ahead and thinking how the child would feel. I have NEVER regretted this decision and if someone asks my advise I always tell them to have kids close in age. Yes it's hectic and busy but well worth it. My kids ages are 23, 21, 20, 17, 11, and 9. Good Luck with your decision.......S.

I have three children (2 stepchildren and 1 of my own - all girls). They are 16, 10, and 3. We have no problems with the youngest feeling left out. In fact, the 10-year old plays with her quite frequently and when my stepdaughters are away with their mother, she misses them both greatly. If you really want to have a fourth, I would say go ahead. It's all in how the parents treat all the children that encourages the positive dynamics between them.

My sister-in-law is nine years younger than my husband and other sister-in-law. My mother-in-law always says that she regrets not having another baby after she was born. She grew up pretty much as an only child.

My mother-in-law also has Seven brothers and sisters. The youngest is the same age as my husband! That's about a 20 year difference between them. You can probably figure that they really don't even talk unless there is a family function.

In my experience having two older brothers (the oldest being six years ahead) I can tell you that I talk more to my oldest brother now as an adult than we did as kids. My other brother is only three years ahead so we pretty much had the same friends.

This preobably didn't help much because it's hit or miss! As adults the age won't make a difference socially, but while they are growing up they'll have a big social gap between them.

Well, whatever you decide God Bless!

I have 5 children. Their ages are 22, 19, 17, 12 and 9. My last child was a surprise, but I thank God for her everyday. She was such a blessing. Yes, my 12 year old does not have a close relationship with my 17 year old, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. He is his own person with alot of tolerance and patience for others. He is very good at amusing himself. I say go for it! As long as you love them and take care of them, it will be fine. Youngers are amazing kids.

I have four children with a 9 year age difference between my second and third all with the same husband. (We waited to have more so that I could finish up college and start working.) My third child actually has the best relationship with my oldest and my oldest is a teenage girl whereas my third is a four year old boy. He did not seem to feel left out at all before our fourth was born. He actually excelled more in terms of his physical development than others his age since he always wanted to be able to do the things his brother and sister could do. I would not worry about it at all. Even my brothers who are 10 years different in age turned out to be better friends later in life than those of us who were closer in age like my sister and myself. It just depends on your interests.

M.,
Although I only have 2 children, they are 9 years apart. As they were growing up, the oldest, my daughter was a little mom. Very protective of her little brother. When she went away to college he got his turn at being an "only child" and I think he liked it. Interestingly, both children (now adults) think that the other child is our favorite. I don't know what that means. Now that they are grown and have children of their own, they have become much closer, more like friends than siblings. The only time I remember problems between them was when she was a toddler and would love to go in her room and get into her stuff, especially when she was trying to do homework. That's when she got a lock on her door! One thing I'm sure of, though, is that they love each other. One word of caution. As your children have gotten older, so have their parents. Everything is more difficult as you get older. Giving birth, losing sleep, chasing toddlers, play dates, you get the idea. Best of luck!

P. P.

go for it! I have two kids, my oldest is 8 and my youngest is 1 they adore each other; the baby follows her sister everywhere! when we go the mall playground they chase each other. your youngest now is 6, it's not that much of a difference, think when they're grown up, 6years is nothing.
good luck!

Look at it this way, M.. If you have another child, he/she will have the benefit of an "only child" position (and there are many) but still have the fun of being part of a large and loving family. On the other hand, if you are making a cross-country move in the next year, it might not be the best time to be pregnant. Your kids will be adjusting to the move, and adjusting to a new baby may be more than they (and you) can handle well. Lots to think about. Good luck, S.

I have four that are 4,6,9 and 12 so no huge gaps. The older two girls are a pair and the youngest girl and little guy are a pair. They want a fifth. it about bowled me over when my little guy asked me when we were going to give him a brother. I really wouldn't mind but Dad says we're through.

My DH and I both come from families with some large gaps between children. The younger ones are rarely "left out." That's just having Mom all to themselves time.

I'm willing to bet you your youngest being an only daughter would be a little mommy to a baby. Your biggest worry would be having a completely "spoiled" kid.

However, think on sleepless nights, spit up, breastfeeding (in my case) and up to three years of diapers. Are you ready to go through that again?

I have large gaps between my kids and they all seem to be fine. I had my first very unexpectedly (she was a birth control baby!)when I was 19. I married her father and we went to college and worked to support our family and didn't have another baby until she was 6. Then we divorced and by the time I remarried and had another baby my two were 11 and 5. We now have five kids who are 17,10,5,3 and 2. They all are close in their own ways. We considered having more but decided to stop with five smart, healthy children since our oldest will be going to college next year. I think that it would be harder for the kids to be close if they didn't live together 24/7. I agree that if you are on the fence about the fourth, you will most likely regret not having another than having one more and dealing with the age gap! Besides, you can always have number five close in age to number four!
Good Luck!

hello M.!

i have 5 kids myself. 4 boys ages 16, 20, 23, and 28. these were with a first marriage. with my second marriage, we gave ALOT of thought to having one together. we decided to do it. along came alyssa. she has 4 big brothers, and 2 big sisters on her dad's side, and she loves it! my youngest was 8 when alyssa was born. she is now 8 yrs old. the older kids always loved having a baby sister, and i think from day one, she has loved having older brothers and sisters. granted, yours wouldn't be near as far apart, but i really don't think any would feel left out. as all the kids have gotten older, is has been really great, as alyssa now has nieces and nephews that with her age being a younger child, she is VERY much a part of the nieces and nephew's lives. and they are also very very close! i have loved it! good luck with your decision!

ALSO !! i wanted to ask u something on your online course. how is that going? did it cost much? what all did it involve. i have always thought about doing something like that, just never knew the details, and what exactly would be my interest in taking. i had always been a stay at home mom doing in home childcare for 27 years. i am now a single mom, and living with my dad who has lung cancer, and caring for him, which does not allow me to have a childcare business, or outside job. i would really love any suggestions/info you might have! if you have the time, let me know please!!!! you can email me directly at ____@____.com.

thanks so much, and again, take your time, think through the baby issue, and best of luck. whatever you decide i am sure will be the right decision for u and your family. take care,

C.

Make sure you want a fourth child for the right reasons. I have seen several of my friends get the baby bug because their kids are getting older. Just remember that this one will also get bigger. Also, consider the financial burden of having another child. How will it affect when you can retire?Are you ready to stay home for all of the naps etc.? How will it affect your other children? Will they have to share a room? It sounds like you want to start working from home. How would a baby affect that choice? The baby would be like an only child since all of the other kids are in school full time and I'm sure they all do several activities in the summer. Can you provide the attention that your older kids need with homework or watching them at sporting events or music concerts when you have a newborn. Will you be able to volunteer at school with a new born? What if you go on bedrest? Does your husband help around the house and with the kids? I don't mean to be negative but I just have witnessed so many friends having babies for the wrong reasons and not really thinking it through and then afterwards they say "what were we thinking?" Obviously, if you have another child you will love it just the same but remember to look at the big picture.

Hello,
I have only one child of my own, but I am the middle of 3 children, so I wanted to give you some input. My brother is 8 years younger than me (he is 10 years younger than my sister). The three of us have always been close. Growing up, my brother had his own friends from school, but he always knew he was welcome to be around my sister and me. I don't think he EVER felt left out. As adults now, the three of us couldn't be closer. We talk everyday. We each live in different states (he is in Chicago, my sister is in Northern Virginia, and I am here), but we are each other's best friends. I think what I'm trying to say is that the age difference doesn't matter. If you and your family want another child, then you shouldn't worry that he/she will feel left out because of the age difference. Whatever your decision, I wish you the best of luck!