Long story short - I do not trust my mother in law with my children. She is upset with my husband and I for not allowing her to watch our children (we let my parents because we trust them and they respect our wishes and rules). She lies and exaggerates even the smallest things - so when it comes to my children and their care - I just can’t seem to let go. Especially because my children both have severe food allergies and she just doesn't seem to get it. She is constantly offering them things they can't have and then lies about it. She doesn't even know how to administer my son’s epi-pen or seem to process that the allergies are this severs. My husband and she had a huge blow out last night because she wants to watch our children more often and he is on the fence. Neither of us believes that she would ever intentionally harm our children and my husband thinks that even if she lies about something that happens when they are with her that it will not be harmful. I am just not as sure and so it is causing a strain between my husband and I too. I in no way want to withhold my children from her. I very much want them to have a relationship with her; I just would rather be present so that I don't have to worry about their wellbeing. She just makes poor decisions sometimes - like a child. Anyone deal with similar situations? How do you cope? How do I get my husband on the same page as me or convince myself to let go?
EDIT: Thank you all for your responses. They are all helpful – just a few updates to make the situation more clear:
My children are 2 ½ and 3 months. We have talked to Mil about their allergies until we are blue in the face. We have let her watch them (primarily son, since daughter is so young and on breast milk) and provided her with detailed do’s and don’ts and even provided the food and drink he could have and she still disregards this and gives him tings. One example is (right in front of me) she tried to give my son a spoon of her soup. She looked at me and said “It’s just cream of chicken soup – there’s no milk in it” What does she think the cream is? My son has anaphylactic reactions to milk protein – even this small amount could have endangered him! And the craziest thing about all of this – My son and his brother were both milk allergic when they were little. How can she forget that she treated this same issue with her own children??? Anyway – it’s crazy and I still don’t know how to handle it yet – my husband has not come down off the fence yet (LOL). Although he knows that his mom is scatter brained and that she lies. (One time she gave my son a sip of her coffee with milk in it (why she was giving a two year old coffee anyway is beyond me) and lied saying she hadn’t given him any –even though he had spit it out all over his shirt and coffee has a pretty distinct smell. My husband finally convinced her to admit to it and she witnessed my son reacting to it. And still my husband thinks that our children would be safe with his mom because she wouldn’t intentionally hurt them. I keep trying to say to him – I agree that she would not intentionally hurt them – but she’s so “out to lunch” that you don’t know from one minute to the next what she is going to do. In theory – it would be great to have her take a first aid class and attend a Dr. appt with me – but she had two children who have had this same thing and I just don’t feel she is mentally competent any longer. My MIL is a good person. I love her and respect her because she is my husbands mother. I am happy to have her spend unlimited time with my children in her presence – but for them to be with her alone makes me too nervous for their well being. And I agree – I have to advocate for my children who are too young to do so on their own.
So the challenge is – to convince my husband that his mother can have a relationship with our kids, but we will be there and to explain this to MIL while trying not to damage her feeling too much. UGH! Rock and a hard spot.
Thank you all for your responses. They are all helpful – just a few updates to make the situation more clear:
My children are 2 ½ and 3 months. We have talked to Mil about their allergies until we are blue in the face. We have let her watch them (primarily son, since daughter is so young and on breast milk) and provided her with detailed do’s and don’ts and even provided the food and drink he could have and she still disregards this and gives him tings. One example is (right in front of me) she tried to give my son a spoon of her soup. She looked at me and said “It’s just cream of chicken soup – there’s no milk in it” What does she think the cream is? My son has anaphylactic reactions to milk protein – even this small amount could have endangered him! And the craziest thing about all of this – My son and his brother were both milk allergic when they were little. How can she forget that she treated this same issue with her own children??? Anyway – it’s crazy and I still don’t know how to handle it yet – my husband has not come down off the fence yet (LOL). Although he knows that his mom is scatter brained and that she lies. (One time she gave my son a sip of her coffee with milk in it (why she was giving a two year old coffee anyway is beyond me) and lied saying she hadn’t given him any –even though he had spit it out all over his shirt and coffee has a pretty distinct smell. My husband finally convinced her to admit to it and she witnessed my son reacting to it. And still my husband thinks that our children would be safe with his mom because she wouldn’t intentionally hurt them. I keep trying to say to him – I agree that she would not intentionally hurt them – but she’s so “out to lunch” that you don’t know from one minute to the next what she is going to do. In theory – it would be great to have her take a first aid class and attend a Dr. appt with me – but she had two children who have had this same thing and I just don’t feel she is mentally competent any longer. My MIL is a good person. I love her and respect her because she is my husbands mother. I am happy to have her spend unlimited time with my children in her presence – but for them to be with her alone makes me too nervous for their well being. And I agree – I have to advocate for my children who are too young to do so on their own.
So the challenge is – to convince my husband that his mother can have a relationship with our kids, but we will be there and to explain this to MIL while trying not to damage her feeling too much. UGH! Rock and a hard spot.
I would make her a list of all the foods they can not have, and make her learn to use the epi-pen, than start with short times to see how she does and if she follows the rules.
I was going through something similar with a family member. A counselor told me, "You can expect normal behavior from her, because she doesn't see or react to the world in a normal way."
So, you allow her visitation with the kids based on her ability to handle them. I would tell her upfront, "Once you are able to deal with their health and allergies in a responsible way, and take it seriously, then you can babysit. But until then, we will just visit as a family."
Mommee's idea of her going to a Dr. visit with you to hear it from the authority is wonderful too.
Have her accompany you to one of your children's doctor's visits & let the doctor explain what will happen if they have an allergic reaction & have them show her how to use the epi-pen. Tell your husband you will re-think her watching them if she goes with you to see the doctor...
Tell her why you don't want her watching your kids. She probably wont change but maybe she will surprise you. Good luck!
My MIL is like this too. She is very ditzy and makes poor choices. She also doesnt think anything is a big deal, even important things. To cope, I only let her watch my son for no more than 2 hours at a time. I figure, not THAT much can happen in 2 hrs right? lol. So whenever I need a shopping trip alone, or want to go see a movie with my husband, we call her. I would never ever let her watch my son for more than that though.
Several years ago I read a news story about a 4 yr old boy who went to a birthday party. He knew he was allergic to peanuts and could not eat anything with peanuts. A woman at the party offered him a peanut butter cookie, he refused it, she insisted, he refused--finally just to get her to leave him alone he took a cookie, took a bite and died before an ambulance could get to him.
When it comes to the health and safety of your kids there are no compromises. My granddaughter is Austic and can not eat MSG or yogert, I can not have MSG either. It took a long time for my younger daughter to understand this. If we go to her home I always have to ask the MSG question. I would rather eat a grilled cheese sandwich than a fancy dinner with MSG in it.
You mother-in-law needs to realize that allergies can be deadly and until she takes her grandchildren's health and safety seriously she will not be allowed to babysit alone. No exceptions.
My MIL and FIL didn't respect our boundaries including about known food issues that aggrevate medical problems. They also told her to shut up and spanked her for splashing water while attempting to swim in a whirlpool at their urging. She only goes if we are there. Trust your insticts. It is not unreasonable on your part.
If she offers your kids food they are allergic to she does not get to babysit. that's a no brainer. She should get plenty of time to visit with the children when you or your husband are around. then she wont feel "cut off" from the grandchildren.
blame the doctor by saying "our doctor insists we only use babysitters who have been trained in the use of an Epi Pen." Dont encourage her to become trained because you cant trust her to watch their diet or use the Epi pen if necessary.
I think your problem will get better when the kids are older and can speak for themselves. I never felt terribly comfortable leaving my MIL with my kids either as she, too, can make poor decisions. Anyway, we stressed and stressed what we wanted done with our children and left her with them for short periods or after we'd put them down at night or at naptime. She comes and stays with us for weeks at a time, though (comes from Ireland), so it's not really as big a problem as with you, although she drives me up the wall! haha. But when your kids start speaking and can tell you what goes on, then you will feel more comfortable (I think - you don't say how old they are). Anyway, good luck!
My mom actually is like this. The only difference is that my kids don't have severe allergies. SO, you have to do what is best for your kids.
I still let my mom watch mine, but I am not sure I would if I felt she would endanger their health, whether intentionally or not. What if something did happen????
I can only think maybe if she was willing to go to the doctor with you and learn about the allergies, what can happen and how to treat it, then maybe. But if she lies (like my mom) then how can you trust that she really will do what they say...
Suggest she take a first aid/CPR course.
What's more important here ? The well being of your kids or your MIL's feelings ? Forget about your MIL - too bad if she is upset, she is not responsible and therefore you as the parent need to make decisions to protect your innocent little children. Can you imagine if you left your kids with her and one of them ended up in the hospital or dead for that matter, will you be so concerned about her feelings then ? Your job # 1 is to care and protect for your babies - your husband needs to also realize this. I also would keep quiet to your MIL about how much your parents are tending to the kids, you will only add fuel to the fire and make her jealous. Just tell your MIL "If we ever decide to change our minds about this matter then we will let you know, but until then we do not want to discuss this further." Then of course, stick to your guns and keep her out of the picture. Only supervised visits with her. I had a MIL (no longer thank G-d) who was a complete alcoholic, I never left my kids over at her house - she had hurt feelings - too bad.
You do not need to 'owe the MIL an explanation' either - just say what I mentioned above and leave it at that. You cannot please everyone on this earth, and that's just how the cookie crumbles....
Stick to your guns, mama! If your son needs an epi-pen, his allergies are life threatening. Don't risk his life just to appease your MIL. It doesn't matter if she's a nice person or even that her intentions are good, she is not a safe person to leave alone with your children. I have 2 allergic kids and had to deal with this constantly. Sorry that your husband is feeling so torn, because that leaves you alone to be the tough one. Hang in there, you are doing the right thing.
I agree with Jen C and Johanna B. Let her watch in short periods of time and make a list. She did a good job with your husband so try to trust her. If something should go wrong (which we hope it does not), it will be a lesson she has learned and will then learn to respect your wishes. Some people don't get it until they are in it themselves. Send your children when they are not hungry and would have no need to eat.
I have a similar problem in that I can't trust my parents to watch my kids because they don't agree with our parenting style and my mother will lie or embellish a situation- we have a strict rule about our kids having to finish their lunch or dinner completely before any other snacks or treats, and she'll finish their food for them or not make them eat it, or something like that, any way it has happened several times and has gotten to a point that we can't trust her to do what we ask and so we don't have her watch our kids anymore. Just like with any other baby-sitter, if they don't do what you ask, you don't hire them anymore.
Your situation is more severe with the allergies, in that respect I don't understand what your husband is on the fence about. His mother is not paying the attention that they need to them and is being careless in her efforts to care for them - how would he feel about anyone else doing this to his children? He needs to remove the fact that it is his mother and consider the situation as what he would do for anyone else. That is what I had to do to get off the fence and on the same side as my husband. I knew my parent's weren't intentionally trying to hurt my kids but the reality was that after my kids went to their house (and my parent's undermined all the rules we enforce at our home) the kids came home and forgot about all the rules and would then get in more trouble. My kids are young, 3 & 5, they push boundaries which is why they need consistency, just like your kids need consistency in their diet.
Just like you, the hardest part is that my in-laws completely support us in our parenting, just like your mother does with the diet. Every parent needs to feel that what they say as a parent in respect to their children is heard, understood, and complied to as much as possible in order to feel safe leaving their children with anyone else. Is you MIL even trying? I'm sure like my mother, it isn't intention, it is just how they are, very childish and selfish.
With all this what I'm trying to say is that you can't just let it go but you and your husband have to be on the same side or this will drive a wedge between you. It is hard, and hopefully one day she'll see the light, but until then her options for seeing her grandchildren are simple, she can come and visit them- at home, on outings to the park or store, to their events, games, recitals, etc. But, until she understands the severity of their condition and is willing and able to administer your son's epi pen, that is just how it is. I'm a diabetic and when I was diagnosed one of the first things I did, at age 16, was to make sure everyone around me could give me an insulin shot. So, everyone in my family took a turn drawing up my insulin and giving me my shot. I think everyone except my Dad did it, even my BIL who is deathly afraid of needles did it (he was shaking the whole time, but he did it). My Dad's excuse was that my mom would always be around, but he had to do it eventually when my little sister was diagnosed with diabetes three years later.
Also, I think you've made huge improvement since she knows what the situation is and how she can change it, the ball is in her court. If she doesn't like the outcome then she has the ability to change her ways to change the outcome.
Anyway, I hope this isn't all just gibberish and that you understand what I'm trying to say, good luck, and I really do hope that your MIL comes around soon so she doesn't miss out on her grandchildren's lives because the saddest thing to me about my situation is that my mother is sad because she feels like she is missing my kids, but she never made an effort to come see them when we lived 20 minutes away for years and now we are in Alaska and she is in WA. Anyway good luck and thanks for letting me share my feelings too.
There are 2 ways she can be involved in your child's life: visiting and babysitting. Visiting means the whole family is together and she gets to see your child and babysitting is on her own. If she is disregarding severe food allergies and cannot operate an epi-pen, that is serious enough to exclude babysitting. Even if you leave them together for a few hours, that is long enough to have an allergic reaction. You have ample reason not to trust her babysitting skills (would you hire a babysitter like this?)
I do not understand why your hubby is on the fence with this one. Does he not think its a sever allergy? I am totally with you on this one. I might have her over and just have a cabinet with the kids name on with food they can have. You need to train her and tell her this is the only food they are allowed. Then maybe when she really gets it I might let her sit for the kids. I would also take her to the next Doctors appointment so the Dr. can explain things to her to make her understand how serious this really is. I wish you luck!
If your MIL lies, your children will hear her doing it and start thinking it is okay and normal. Good luck turning that one around. Plus with the medical issues - you know if something does happen, you will be kicking yourself in the rear end and saying, "I knew this was going to happen". You know, trust that gut instinct, that's why it's there. The last time I went against it, just last week, my 7 year old got hurt; not bad, but it left me shaking my head and wishing I'd listened to myself. I'm just lucky it wasn't much worse. Sometimes you just have to have some thick skin and do what you think is best for your kids.
What a difficult situation.
I wonder if your husband could hear a direct, concise statement. "I know your mom means well, and she probably lies because she's embarrassed for forgetting such important food restrictions. I'm sure she feels terrible about it. The choice, though, is to have her upset at us for not trusting her to be alone with the boys, or to possibly have one of our sons seriously injured or worse. Could you forgive her for that? Could you forgive yourself, knowing that you could have prevented it?"
There is a time as parents when we need to be a parent first and our own parent's child, second. Perhaps your husband could also spend a little extra time with his own mom, just the two of them, because it sounds like she's feeling left out. This might be able to soothe over some of the hurt feelings.
Keep on being clear with your MIL about the children's health, and offer other ideas for her to 'give' things to the kids, because she's trying have that connection that's involved with giving a treat. I see families do this a lot with their kids; the custom of offering sweets and sharing food is a common way in which many people feel connected and generous. So offering her some 'treats' that are safe for the kids might work too.
Good luck! Families are challenging. I wonder, too, if your husband sees his mother's gradual decline in some of this too, and it may really hurt or worry him. So that could contribute to some fence-sitting too. You are doing the right thing, so sorry it's such a difficult situation.
H.
I disagree with some of the "your husband survived so your kids should be ok" comments. Its not worth taking the chance. Surviving doesn't mean there was never any life threatening dangers. Not worth i. Not respecting cold rearing methods is one thing that irritates me, but blatant disregard for health dangers is unforgivable.
Your husband needs to get off the fence onto your side. If your children's allergies are epi-pen level and she "doesn't get" how severe the reactions could be, then having her watch the kids alone will put their lives in danger. If she's married and her husband has a clue, MAYBE they could babysit together as long as her husband is willing to police her behaviour. But I would never let her watch them alone.
I do like the idea that some other moms had of having her watch them at your home so the foods are restricted. As long as she doesn't take them out or bring outside food in, that might be ok.
And you're not alone - I wouldn't let my own bio-mother watch my child because I don't trust her judgement. Luckily, she lives in PA and I live in TX so it's not an issue, but if I lived next door to her it wouldn't matter.
You can't just "let it go." This is your child's well-being and life. Let her know why you are not willing to leave her alone with your kids. I was in a very similar situation when my children were younger. My allergic child is now old enough to check ingredients and ask questions on her own so I don't worry. When I would leave my kids with my MIL I would repeat EVERY TIME what she could not eat, what needed to happen if she even appeared to be having a reaction, to read labels, to call me etc. My MIL was offended that I did this EVERY time, but I just gave her examples of times she "forgot" or "didn't know" and asked if she would prefer to not watch them. I would call to check in on what she ate etc. My MIL didn't like it but oh well. I didn't have the problem of MIL sneaking them food and hiding it though.
