Morning,
So I apologize ahead of time because there is a lot of back story here. My son's father has always maintained sporadic, unreliable contact. There have been times (when he lived 30 minutes away) that he didn't see him for 6 weeks or so. During periods he was seeing him somewhat regularly (every other weekend), there were zero phone calls in between. He is just very unreliable in general. About 6 weeks ago he moved to florida. Now he is coming back to Kansas in 2 weeks (catching a ride with his parents) because he has a court date.
Obviously, he will want to spend time with his son, and I wouldn't keep him from that. However, where it gets tricky is that my son had a bad experience with his grandparents last time they visited, and he is flat out freaking out at the thought of having to be around them. (my son is 8. and the bad experience was, his grandfather is kind of a jerk in general, and he says, "is mean".)
So I don't know what the right thing to do is. Yes, he needs to see them ("them" because it's a package deal, he either sees all of them or none of them.) But how do I advocate for my kiddo in this scenario? Can I at all?
I had thought about instead of him spending the week with them at a hotel, that I drop him off in the mornings and pick him up at night. So he would be sleeping at home. The hotel will probably be at least 20-30 minutes away, so it would be inconvenient (we live in a small town with no hotels, and they will be staying in the city) but I would do it. I'm just not sure it's even right that I push for that.
I'm just looking for feedback I guess of what would be considered "doing the right thing" in this scenario. On the one hand I feel family is very important, and I don't want to rock the boat, AND I do know his dad has a right to see him and I have no control over who he is with, when he is with his dad. On the other, I deeply feel that I ought to try to fix this somehow for my kiddo. I mean just the thought of spending time with them depresses him and after his dad talked to him about it on the phone the other day he was in tears.
I don't know mamas. what do you think?
haha- Patricia G, no, I don't have a good relationship with my ex. I have to try really hard, to maintain a functional relationship when I think of all he has put my son through. I have a TON of anger towards him. Although I try. It is almost impossible, I've found, to be "Friends" with someone who treats your kid like an afterthought. >:( Especially when you see him struggle with anger and hurt feelings over it, constantly.
And my son has no idea what a complete jerk he has for a father :( which is good, and i do not bash him, but it does complicate things, because he still worships his dad. he hasn't even told him he's moved to florida - he has let him think this is all temporary. he "says' he wants to tell him face-to-face when he comes up for this visit. we'll see.
-You guys are all helping immensely, thank you! Your kind words are full of wisdom. I truly appreciate it.
**
SO thank you again, ya'll have made me feel so good.
After several long difficult phone calls, we worked out a plan where I will drop my son off with them Monday morning, and they will spend Monday and Tuesday running around doing "fun" stuff. (We will see if he's comfortable, most likely he will spend the night with them and his dad.) Then I will pick him up Tuesday night. My ex's court is Wednesday so they agreed it's better if I just keep my son the whole day. Then depending on how the court date goes, I might take my son back to them Thursday for one more day of "fun stuff". *Whew!* What a mess. Thank you all again, this is working out much better than I feared originally. My son's grandmother has said she "understands" and will do whatever works for us. If only the men in the family were as understanding...!
I would initiate contact with his dad and just say he's a little uncomfortable with grandpa and would it be ok if he sleeps at home or just that he'd prefer to sleep at home.
If your son has had very little contact with his father, that may be a big piece of his discomfort, no? So maybe his agitation isn't ALL because of Grandpa, but it's safer to say "I don't like Grandpa" than it is to say "I'm not comfortable around my absent father."
So is the idea that they are ALL coming here for a week, and your ex has a one-day court date? And the rest of the week is designed only to see your son?
I think you should cut way back on the intensity of this visitation. Yes, you can drive 20-30 minutes 4 times a day (there and back in the morning, there and back at night), but I wonder if that's a little too much. What's the plan for their daytime activities? Sit around the hotel or use its pool? Or will they do anything else? Is there a reason that they can't pick up and do something closer to you? Is there a reason your ex can't use the car to come get your son on his own, without the grandparents? And these are very very long days for an 8 year old. Expecting him to have that stamina, even without the emotional factor thrown in, is way too much.
I think you say to your ex that this is likely to be overwhelming to a child who hasn't seen any of them all that much, and he needs to sleep in his own bed. You can say that your son wants to really bond with his dad, and not have the whole group at all times. If that doesn't work, then you can say that he's nervous around Grandpa, for whatever reason - regardless of what happened or didn't happen, it will be better for son and father to have private time a good chunk of the time, perhaps having a meal or two with Grandma and Grandpa. In order for it to be positive for your son and his dad, they need to start our very slowly and let son get comfortable with dad only. Maybe the grandparents can do some other things in the city, sightseeing, etc. without Dad and son.
And I would make sure that your son is NOT with them on a day when your ex is in court or doing any kind of court prep where he is away from his son.
But I think you need to leave the door open that your son isn't going to see his Dad every day during that week. That may be just too much. If family is so important, your ex can step up and show that side of himself. But assigning your son to something like 10-12 hours per day of "Family Day Camp" may be way more than any of them can handle.
Hi there,
I applaud you for wanting to maintain a family connection so your son can experience what it's like to have multiple people in his life. Your ex is hitching a ride with his parents for a court date? I'm guessing this isn't to argue the patent rights to his latest invention. I would keep the visits tightly supervised and not do any overnighters. If you can take time off and have dinners at your place or even meet them out somewhere near their hotel, that qualifies as more than a good faith effort to expose your child to his unreliable father and questionable grandfather. Definitely no alone time at the hotel and do all of the driving you need to do in order to make your child feel safe. When he's old enough to articular his feelings more clearly, then maybe do something less structured when and if his father is around. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I think you need to have a conversation with your ex prior to the visit - first without your son involved and then a S., later conversation where your son talks too.
First, when it's just you and your ex, tell him that your son was upset after their phone call the other night. Be honest - say that he feels uncomfortable around the grandfather based on their last visit and, if possible, say specifically what happened that upset him. Then say that you know it's important for them to see each other and that you want to figure out how to make your son feel safe and comfortable. Tell your ex that it's important that your son is never alone with the grandfather and see if the "mean" behavior is something that could easily be corrected.
S., have your son talk to his dad and tell him himself how he feels, so that your ex knows it isn't all coming from you. Because you'll have already told him, your ex will have had time to think about the situation and try to come up with a reasonable solution. He can then inform your son of how he's going ot make the visit work and make sure your son is happy and comfortable.
I think some flexibility is going to be key for this visit. Having your son sleep at home definitely sounds like the best solution; however, be open to the possibility that by mid-week he will want to stay at the hotel with his dad (if the visits have gone well). Also, consider that seeing his dad every single day for a week, with the grandparents too, might be too much. Maybe plan for something like two days on, then one day off, then two or three dyas on again so your son can have a break if needed.
I hate my ex inlaws too.
Don't knock yourself out in any way.
Your'e nice to try to let them see their grandkid, but you don't have to be the one accommodating everything. Let them drive in from Motel to see him. He doesn't need to go camp out with them. You don't need to drop him off and pick him up and provide them full days of his time. Let them visit him a bit. Let them work it out as to how.
You don't HAVE to be such a big person about it, truly. They aren't positive influences for him so why work at it? Offer to let them pick him up from you in mornings, and you'll pick him up evenings. That way you're not saying no to visits, you're being fair, your son isn't trapped for a week, and you're only driving half the time. Maybe they'll even skip some days if they don't feel like picking him up.
I think it's reasonable for you to stop him off and pick up many 2 or 3 days. What the heck will they do every day, all day long?
Can they come and get him the other days & drop him back?
ANY possibility of you hosting a little BBQ at your place (for ALL of them) the first visit? That make your son a little more secure.
I think you should facilitate a discussion with your son and his father together. Your son is young but since his dad is not consistent he may not be comfortable doing it alone and this way he knows you have his back. My ex would NEVER listen to our son and our son would back down quickly (but would argue a point to death with me).
Explain that you are concerned because the last experience with grandpa is causing anxiety regarding the upcoming visit. Maybe request that dad or grandma run interference and/or put grandpa on a leash (so to speak) to help your son get through this visit.
Maybe you could split the week in half so he comes home a day to give a break or if necessary pick up in the evening (let them pick him up if they want to see him and you retrieve him in the evenings so you aren't at their mercy for returning him).
Do you have a reasonable relationship with your ex?
Does son have a good relationship with dad?
Does dad know his own father is a jerk?
You can't really fix it, but you can facilitate things a bit. Son is heading into puberty soon. The more he and dad communicate, the better. If you can help that happen, that would be ideal.
