Tricks...I Mean Tips You've Used to Outsmart Your Teen.

I love the stuff like the door. Something I use every once ina while is to ask my teens at dinner. So is there anything you need/wanted to tell me. They get the deer in the headlight look. The first answer is no. so I wait a while and say again. so there is nothing going on? that I need to know about. Something always comes up. always. sometimes I will say.... so what happened with so and so. a huge talk comes tumbling out and I was just fishing lol. so defnitly keep the doors of communication open. at dinner we always had a question for each kid. ex .... so what was the funniest thing that happened today.... what was the saddest thing, anything scary today? etc.... they will talk and talk. my boys are all in college now except one. and boy do we miss tht time. but!!! big exclamation point here. They call me all the time to tell me whats going on. and its not like they are at first year they are sophomore and junior in college. daughter is 27 and she calls and says OMG you won't beleive what she (my granddaughter or grandson) did today...

Maybe its just me but I personally think that trying to trick and outplay your teenagers is one sure fire way to get rebellion.

I had great parents but the way they did things was similar and all I did was party and skip school. I moved out when I was 17 because I was so sick of them trying to manipulate me into doing everything they said.

They can see right through it. If it were me I would keep things bare and honest. Be realistic - tell them how you feel and what you really think about things - everything not just behavior stuff - but just be down to earth.

Its either that or have them not take you seriously because they can see you're just trying to force behavior out of them. That will just make everybody mad.

Like I said, maybe its just me but thats what I thought when I read your question. Brought up some pretty agitated feelings of my own mom.

One of my friends/former boyfriends had a mother who was very wise and would keep a light on in the corner of her bedroom while both of her teenage sons were out - they had to come in and turn it off when they got home. The noise of coming into the house and coming into the room was often enough to wake her up confirming curfews.

My mom had a rule the year before I received my license that I had an 11pm curfew. For each minute I was home late, I had a day added to my birthday for which I could get my license. What she didn't tell me is that she set the clock she went by 3 minutes fast. Over a year, I was late 66 minutes and had to wait until August to get my license.

My dad has always had his own business and kept logs in his car for mileage to report to the government on taxes. We had to keep a log in our cars as well - they would check the log in my car every day to make sure I didn't go more than 10 miles - enough to school and back.

As a third child, you'd never know it - I had more rules and restrictions on me from all my sister's antics and was certainly not able to do whatever I wished.

I use to make my teens go grocery shopping with me. It was a way of trapping them in the car or about a half hour where they could talk about anything without having to make eye contact (since I had to keep my eyes on the road). Some weeks were funny stories, some sad, others filled with hopes and dreams of the future. But every last ride was a chance to connect just for a little one on one time with one of the kids.

I'm all for open and honest communication. My girls are 13 and 15 and they know that their freedom is directly linked to the amount of talking they do. When they are generally open with me about the what is going on with them, I feel confident that they will come to me with issues and feel able to give them more freedoms. They both come home from school with stories about their day (the good, the bad, and the really ugly!). Just last night my younger daughter went to a school dance. Here is what she had to report (names changed):
Tom and Mary and I had a great time watching everyone dance. 'Did you dance?' I asked. No, mostly everyone is in a big line grinding each other, and I'm not really into that. Michelle asked me to join them, but I said having dance sex with other girls didn't look like fun. Tommy, Mary and I had fun goofing off and doing a little salsa off to the side.
This was all in response to my asking 'did you have fun?' No prodding or third degree, just an example of open communication that is normal in our home. It was everything I could do not to comment on the 'dance sex' comment, but by resisting the urge to turn that into a 'teachable moment', it kept the conversation light. Besides, her response to the what the other girls were doing tells me she is plenty sensible about it.
I also wanted to point out that being friends with your kids freind's parents, and their teachers, etc. is a great way to stay in the loop. My older daughter has a friend that has made some pretty poor choices lately. She has made some vague comments to me about it ' Bob is being such an idiot!' 'I'm not sure how much longer I can take Bob.', but I didn't push to know what Bob was up. Her reaction to his choices was enough to let me know that she wouldn't be joining in his shenanigans and that was enough for me. A couple of weeks ago I found out through another friends parent that Bob has been drinking. The next time my older daughter made a negative Bob comment, I said 'Well, drinking is known to cause stupidity.' 'How'd you know??', she asked. Well I know everything! That led to a long conversation which she instigated, about how to handle the situation.

All this to say, I think open and continuous communication with your kids, their friends, friend's parents, teachers, coaches, etc. is key. That, and clear expectations for behavior and consistent consequences for not living up to those expectations will go a long way to raising sensible kids.

Side note: My eldest is grounded, no tv/phone/computer + extra chores, this weekend for breaking curfew Thursday evening. There was no yelling, stomping off, or slamming doors since she knows from experience that those behaviors only extend the consequences. She did walk off clearly angry and didn't come back out for the usual goodnight kisses before bed, but yesterday morning she was ready to talk. She said she was sorry to have broken curfew and we had a good conversation about what happened and what she could have done differently (called when friend's dad was late picking up). I reiterated why we have the rules we have, and that staying out late without calling to check in is disrespectful to those who love you. I also pointed out again that her daddy and I always call to check in, if we are running late, so that no one is left worrying. It is a matter of basic manners that everyone must learn. Mom - 1 Teen - 1 Win/win

That's cute. That is a logical consequence for slamming the door. Had she have broken / damaged it, the natural consequence would have been to have her help pay for the door. These kinds of consequences are truly the best. When teens to do poorly in school, of course we want to jump in and give consequences. However, don't forget the natural ones the teacher / school will give. It is nice not to have to be the "heavy" all the time (smile). S. A. K., MFT
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Chino-CA/S.-A-K...

I'm with Amy, the best tricks are honesty, communication, and compassion. I brought up my daughter this way, and she's doing the same with her son, now 4. It could be these two are/were just "easy" kids, but nonetheless, very intentional parenting is needed to practice clear, kind and honest communication.

When kids know you care about their feelings and perceived needs, they are much more willing to listen to yours. This is not to say that clear boundaries aren't necessary – compassionate parenting is not being a pushover. Sane boundaries are compassionate, too.

And there were a few times when my daughter pushed my buttons a little too hard, or broke rules and got herself in trouble. All of this was part of the process of growing and learning, though. You know how some lessons really don't get in deep enough until you experience consequences? But we all survived, with some great stories that we can smile about now. I expect it will be similar for my grandson.

BTW – I love your door story.

First the story of my "teenhood"
I always had a curfew although I can't tell you what it was now. Mom ALWAYS went to sleep. Her philosophy was that if Heaven Forbid something happened, she'd need her rest so she went on to bed. Had NO clue what time I came in. I was always worried about getting in trouble and really never pushed it. But once or twice I'd be a little late. Dad would ask what time I got in so I'd try to knock 10 minutes off. He'd say something like his clock running a little fast, he'd have to fix that!

My kids live in fear of the mommy grapevine! I have done a lot of volunteering at the school and am friends with janitors, teachers, and of course other parents. And yes we talk and we notice things when you're in the school so much. We can be sitting at dinner and I'll ask my kids about something and they'll say "How did you hear about that already?"

Even though I'm pretty strict about our food choice around here, I always, let the kids invite their friends and would order pizza, BBQ, have chips, soda etc. They stay in the lower level and even though it has it's own entrance the gate has a lock in it "so no one will leave it open and the dogs get out" which also means that everyone has to come and go through the front door and say hello to my husband and I. And when't they are downstairs playing pool or watching a game, and I'm taking food up and down, it' amazing what you over hear!

When our now almost 20 year old son graduated HS he was so mad because we found out about a graduation party where the parents were condoning illegal, underage drinking! *Mommy grapevine again. Anyway, he ended up going, but we let him drive my husband's car which otherwise is off limits. He is a good kid and even though we knew he was angry, we also knew he would not risk drinking and driving especially in his dad's car!
And if I knew I would not have gotten caught, I would have called the police with the tip that there was underage drinking at this address!

I have to admit my husband is the more logical one. Our DD kept pushing an issue with her dad (my husband) through texting on her cell phone. Me being the emotional one wanted to go to her friends house and make her come home and leave her friends. My husband let her stay until her curfew then took the phone away because she used it as a tool to talk to him in a way she would have NEVER done if she was standing right in front of him!

If I think of anything else I post it.
And as far as taking the door off, GOOD FOR YOU!
Good Question too, we're all in this together!

I remember my dad taking off my sister's door when she was slamming it. And she would slam it, but the funny thing is that it was my dad that would walk away once he had his say, and then come back when he thought of more, would never listen to our side (which is why the door slamming happened - frustration). Wish we could have taken off his door! :)

Check their FB and computer history once in awhile.

hahahaha!! LOVE IT! I wish I had more tips especially being a middle school/high school teacher but I am tapped out today! Your story made my lunch time more enjoyable though thank you!

I think the "open communication" group's responses are interesting, ha ha. It really depends on your child. I never broke any household rules when I was growing up, so no "tricks" were needed!
But our eldest, in spite of years of sincere efforts to educate him on the consequences of his actions still just doesn't care what ANYONE says or wants or advises. He is all for immediate gratification, and if isn't fun right now, he is gone. No severe punishment/consequence or sincere heart-to-heart talk from any family member or school counselor affected him one single bit.
Now he is literally gone (by his own choice)...gone to his Grandma's house, because he thought we were unreasonable for wanting to follow simple courtesy rules, like, "don't leave the house for hours in the middle of the night without telling anyone, with the door left open endangering your family's safety".
Our younger children have no trouble following rules, it's just something about the oldest....
I think it just depends on the kid.

I can remember being about 13 and getting my own phone line was the greatest thing in life ... (We didnt have cell phones at 7 back then) ... I will never forget how my parents would call me from the kitchen to get me to do what they asked. One day my dad called my line and I didnt answer, instead he got my awful answering message that had a Wu-Tang track (any hip hop fans remember the interlude "torture") I will probably be kicked off this site if I recite what the track said .... ha ha ... I will NEVER forget his fury as he came in and ripped the phone out of the wall so hard it left a hole in the wall.
I cant even recall getting it back, thats how long I lost it for ha ha ha ha

My DH had his car "clubbed" (The Club) by his father with a note: You need an attitude adjustment.
He also had the door taken off his bedroom!