Trantrum at Daycare Pick Up

My daughter has been normally a very easy child at all ages, but at about this age did throw a few tantrums. Usually she was hungry, tired, and had just had too busy of a day. I would stay calm, usually had to pick her up and carry her, strap her in the carseat (sometimes this would take some force), and go. Eventually she would calm down enough to have a drink or a bite of a snack. Once she ate something, she would usually be able to move on, and sometimes fall asleep. I would not ever punish, but work to stay calm and understanding, but firm. Once the event was over, I would let it go, not make it a bigger deal than it was.

I would also recommend talking with the daycare about anything that has changed there.

I think I would try NOT responding to her tantrums. Just pick her up and carry her to the car if she falls apart. She has probably saved up all her emotions from the day until you arrive, and when Mommy is there, she feels that it is safe to "let it all out."

This is probably just a phase, and for now, I doubt she has much emotional control over it, so consequences are unlikely to work, as you have discovered.

If you stay calm, and talk to her about her day, and try to distract her, she'll probably recover quickly.

Granted I have not been in this situation with daycare, bcs my son doesn't go to daycare but I have in-home care. However my son (2 yrs and 4 mo) throws mini tantrums when he and are are apart for part of the day. He falls to the ground and throws something that resembles a tantrum to get my full attention. I just pick him up and kiss him and give him my full attention. I divert his behavior to something nice and interesting. I don't punish him. I do what I do based on what I read in Touchpoints by Brazelton about daycare situations and kids falling apart when parents come to pick them up. It is normal. They acumulate experiences and go through feelings on their own and when you come to pick them up, they fall apart as if they are telling you everythign that's happened to them. Does your daughter like the school? Are there changes there that she is experiencing? Looking at the book right now and looking for the page to quote the guy since he put it so nicely... Oh, here it is, page 372 in challenges to development and separation: "...When a baby's parent loomed into sight, the baby would often pointedly turn away, as if to master the intensity of her feelings at the reunion whti this all-important person Then she was likely to blow. She had saved up her protest, her intense feelings, all day for the one she could trust. No wonder some caregivers may say, "She never does that for me, dear." Parents need to realize taht these intense reactions are necesarey to a passionate reunion." He suggest: "Get up early enough to have a few minutes of cuddling and relaxed play with your baby before you take her to child care. Let her refuse food at breakfast. Let her tease you about getting dressed. A few moments of this will give her a sense of being in control of her day. At child care, she may not dare to express neagtivism." I hope this helps somewhat! Maybe I haven't seen anything yet in terms of tantrums and will have to re-look at my approach if things change! You are a couple months ahead of me :). ~Marija

Hello,

I run an in-home daycare and watch my neice who is doing the same as your child. I find that in my case, its easier if I can get her ready and at the door/top of steps when her mom gets here (can see her coming as she lives close enough to walk). Sam doesn't argue with me nor does she ever tell me no when I ask her to do tasks....can you see if the people at your daycare would be willing to try this - have they said anything to you and/or given you advice? Do they try to help or just leave you to "deal"???

Worth a shot....sometimes when they know whats coming its easier to "be okay with it" - maybe they can give your child warnings when its close to pick-up time. Several HAPPY "mommies coming" or "its almost time to go home" may help prepare her and excite her for the venture.

Good luck!!
M.

M.

I really wouldn't want to go home either if I didn't know if I was going to be punished or rewarded, so instead of doing either, try to understand. She has had a day of playing with friends and no stress whatsoever, constructed time with arts and crafts, play time, scheduled activities. Now mommy comes and picks her up and she has to stop and go home. What does she do when you get home? You go right into relax and start cooking dinner? Does she help you? Do you let her occupy herself when you get home? Is there a lot of stress?

What you can do is make a schedule for her at home to. When you get to day care tell her that she has 5 minutes to finish playing with her friends then she has to go without any fighting. When you get home sit down with her and give her your undivided attention finding out what she did in day care that day and what toys she played with. Did anything funny happen? Then have her help you start dinner. Even a little one can help dump the vegetable in the pan or stir ingredients in. After dinner give her a bath and let her have some quiet time playing while you clean up and then read her a story before bed. When this becomes the schedule at home you will see her more willing to leave the day care and look forward to a night with mom.

What worked best for us was to have a snack and sippy cup waiting in the car. My son had to get to the car and into his seat before he could have them. Sometimes we would suprise him with an extra little chocolate (just some times, to keep him guessing!)

M.

My son used to do this. I agree with D. and Megan- she could be hungry. That was the case with my son. Now he gets 4 crackers on the drive home [after I buckle him in!] and we've never had an issue since. Well, unless I forget the crackers!
I give my son juice as a treat sometimes and I know for a fact that would work with him if the crackers ever fail because he is so excited about it. So make sure she's not hungry, and if that is not the case...use whatever excites her. Maybe she could have a special toy that she only plays with when you drive her home from daycare, or give her a sticker every time you buckle her in.
Another thing that I think helps with my son is he always bring his toy cars with on the way to daycare in the morning, and then he has to leave them in the car, so when I pick him up sometimes I'll say "Ok, let's get going, and mama will give you your crackers. Your cars are on the seat, too"

I would say personally it may be a "trasnition" issue of going form the structure of the daycare day to the transition to home....if the daycare will work with you, maybe you could call them when you are on your way, or if you are very regular/punctual, just set a time, they they begin telling her - "15 minutes till mom comes", then 10 minutes, then 5, then you are there....it will give her some time to adjust to the idea - also the ones who commented on having a little snack and drink waiting in the car or special toys for only driving to and from Daycare....those are all great ideas too. And if all that fails, yes, ignore the tantrum, and walk away....of course, warn the daycare people ahead of time what you plan to do.

Good Luck - they only keep asserting the independance more and more as they get older....

jessie

All the suggestions so far sound great! Along with a snack you may want to try talking to her on her own level. Have the daycare teacher let her know in advance and then when you get there if she starts to have a fit I would get down eye to eye with her and say something like "I know you love to play with all of your friends here, and it makes you sad sometimes to leave. We'll be back tomorrow (or Monday)! But now it's time to go home and have some fun! Tonight we are going to ______ (something she really likes) and I have a terrific snack waiting for you in the car as soon as your coat is on!". Then I'd walk away if she continues the tantrum. Sometimes kids just want you to understand their frustration.

She needs to get the time out or whatever punishment you use at the daycare center. Don't wait until you get home. Poor behavior needs an immediate response to be corrected. I would give her a warning, count to 3, if she doesn't stop whining, tantrum throwing, arguing, etc.....send her for a timeout. She will protest, but ignore it. Walk away from her and let her do the timeout right there in whatever available corner there is. When she comes out let her know that you expect her to behave and put her jacket on so you can get home and start your night together. I know it stinks to have to discipline your kid when you haven't seen them all day, but the longer you tolerate this, the longer she will do it. You don't really want to have to wrestle your kid into the car everyday after daycare. This is normal for your daughter to put a little show of misbehavior on for you to get your attention, but that doesn't mean you have to allow it. Show her attention for good behavior. Nip it in the bud now so pickup time can be something you both look forward to.

You have had many great responses but I have to say I feel and have read you should never walk away from a child who is having a tantrum. They are feeling overwhelmed and unable to express what they are feeling. Have you read Happiest Toddler on The Block? He has many great ideas, one of them being let them know you understand that they are upset. How would you feel if your husband just walked away from you when you were really upset about something? Good luck and many blessings.

As soon as she starts, walk away. Who cares if her coat isn't on. Start walking towards the door. If you get there, and she hasn't followed yet, walk over to a wall where brochures are hanging and start reading, or pull out your cell phone and look at pictures. Anything, as long as you're not looking back at her and making her believe that what she's doing is making mom mad. It may take a while at first, but it may not. My son threw one tantrum, that's it. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at the store, he was playing on the floor with a truck while i did some christmas shopping in the same aisle. When I told him to put the truck back so we could leave, he started screaming and threw himself down on the floor. I bent down and said, "Brayden, it's time to go, when you're finished, come find mommy". Then, I grabbed my cart and walked away slowly. While I stayed in site of him, I stopped here and there and grabbed something off a shelf to look at to keep my attention away from him. Once I got a certain distance, which was probably a good 20 feet or more from him, he stopped crying, stood up, and ran to me. When he came up to me I reached out my hands for him and lifted him into the cart like nothing ever happened. He never did it again. With my daughter, it was very similar, but with her she would want out of the grocery cart. So, I needed some practice other than in a grocery store. I took her to the mall (my kids are 15 months apart, so she was about 2 and then I had a baby with me), and everytime she started screaming about wanting out, I would head down a bathroom hallway and sit on the bench. I would pull out a book from my purse and pretend to read. As soon as she would stop for a second, I'd say "oh! You're ready to go now!" and put it away. If she started crying again, I'd sit back down. I taught her that if she's acting out, my response is going to be nothing. So, after some mall practice I went to the grocery store. When she'd start to cry I'd stop the cart and pull out my book. When she'd stop, I'd put it away and go. Before the end of the first grocery shopping trip, all I'd have to do is stop the cart, and she'd stop crying immediately. By the second week, if she started to act like she was going to cry, all I had to say was "we do not cry in stores", and she'd stop. If I were in your shoes, the second your kid started to cry, I'd say "okay, well mommy's leaving". I would talk to your daycare provider about this in the morning to give her a heads up. Then, I'd start to walk away, maybe pretend my cell phone rang so I had an excuse to stop at the door, and then if she was still crying, I'd walk outside and wait for her right outside the door. She WILL come out, especially if the daycare providers know to NOT pay attention to her behavior either. If you do this, I'd be willing to bet money that she won't do it again, and if she does, it wouldn't be more than once or twice, just for her to learn that mommy really isn't going to pay attention to her tantrums anymore

My daughter started doing this too - same age!! I use "candy" - she forgets about what she was doing and wants to do what I want her to do. I give her a 1/2 peice of gum, tic-tac, what ever I have or grab off the desk of someone at work!! Don't be hard on yourself - it's just a phase!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I recommend books by Jim Fay. His Love and Logic series is phenomenal. He even does workshops that are worth attending. He talks a lot about staying out of a power struggle which sounds like what you may be experiencing. You can start by offering choices in small steps. For example, would you like to put on your coat or hold it? Would you like to hold my hand walking down the hall or walk beside me? etc. This gives her some control over the situation. Use a neutral tone that isn't begging, mad or shows any other emotion because she will read into that. When she follows a direction just say thank you for listening and give another choice. If she doesn't follow along you can say, "I can see you are not ready, so I guess you won't be able to do X when we get home because we won't have time before supper/bedtime etc. Always point out natural consequences that she gives up not necessarily because of punishment. Something along these lines. The love and logic books give a lot of great tips like this. Hope it helps!

A.

Rewarding or displining temper tantrums will only encourage their occrancee. When my kids would throw a temper tantrum I would just ignore it so long as the were not in any physical harm. While this may get on your nerves this behavior will not last long.

punishing won't work, as you've found. One thing that's really helped us is using an unconcerned "whoops" whenever they start fitting, and using choices. Would you like to put your coat on first, or your gloves? If there's no answer, you choose, "Gloves? Ok!" and proceed to help, "which hand do you want to do first?" Show no emotion or upset, if she won't start doing anything, just say"Let me show you what I want you to do" and proceed. Stick with it, and it'll get better. Remember that what you focus on, you get more of. If you're focusing on what you don't want.... An awesome book is "Easy to Love, Difficult to discipline" by Becky Bailey. Mom runs a daycare and gave me her copy to read, and If she needs hers back I'm buying my own! Hang in there!

I would not take away bedtime stories.. the punishment is too far removed from the crime for a child that young.. as a full time working parent.. you get very little time with your child..

I think they are probably hungry.. tired and overwhelmed at the end of the day.. I work part time and we have lots of tantrums around 5 pm on the days I am home.. the kids are just running out of steam by that time of day.

by son has tantrums when I pick him up.. If he has a tanturm one day.. he has to ride in the stroller to go home the next day... I dont think he gets it.. but at least he is contained and I can get him in the car safely..

You might try John Rossemond's tactic although she is pretty young. You tell her the Dr. says little girls who do this are overtired so they need to go to bed earlier. Kids see Drs. as authorities. Then put her to bed a half hour earlier. If it continues make it an hour earlier. If she isn't too young to make the connection she may decide going to bed earlier and earlier isn't worth the attention she gets with the tantrums. Or you may find she really does need extra sleep and is overtired when you pick her up. She might resolve the issue with extra rest.

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