Transitioning 8-Year Old During Divorce

I haven't been through this myself but just reading your post makes me want to cry because I feel your pain. The utmost important thing is to get yourself into therapy/counseling to deal with this on your end so you can be strong enough for your son. This is very devastating for him because life as he knew it will never be the same and although we as adults know that and go through the emotions, he doesn't have any experience in it at all. Not to mention that he is at a very impressionable age where he is forming his own relationships with many ups and downs. That being said it would be a great idea to get him some therapy/counseling to allow him to express his feelings with an educated person outside of the issue at hand. I wish you both the best and my heart goes out to you. Take care.

Hi, M.. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is really tough. Both you and your ex need to reassure your son that this is not his fault, that you both love him and that will never change. Don't assume he knows this. He needs to hear it over and over. Spend as much time as you can with him, and never bad-mouth each other - to or around your son. Not even to a friend when you think your son can't hear you. Finally, never never never talk to him about your relationship and how your feeling. I think we tend to do this because they are going through it with us, but it makes them feel insecure and like they need to take care of us, and he needs to be the "kid". If you are constant, encouraging and loving, he will be ok. Oh - one last thing. Continue to have rules, and discipline him as you used to. Don't let guilt feelings color your judgment. This was the biggest mistake I made with my daughter. I felt guilty about many things and let her get away with things I never should have and it made her insecure, angry and manipulative. Good luck. You will get through it.

So sorry you are going through all of this...:)
At least all the Mama's here will offer you their best comfort...

I just wanted to add... than in addition to the caring and love you are providing... it may be best, to get your your son some child counseling. The ripple effects of divorce can go on and on...even years later, and affect the child.

My friend, went through a divorce when her children were 2 yrs. old and 3 yrs. old. She sought counseling for herself... (so she could Parent them in the best way possible through this trauma), and child counseling for her children. Yes, divorce is a "trauma" event for a child.

Her children benefited in so many ways, from the counseling. They went for 2 years... and through this, it reduced the emotional and behavioral problems that the divorce created. It solidified them...and provided stability and coping skills for her children. THIS was the smartest thing she said she did for her children. As a single Parent, post-divorce, she simply could not address ALL her children's needs and help through the divorce. She too was a working Mom... so it increased the hardship for her. But with the regular counseling for herself and her children... it really brought closure and "peace" to her children, and addressed issues of abandonment, self confidence, etc.

I would really recommend counseling... it will navigate the whole "problem" for you and your dear son. Remember, it is a process... making it "all better" will ebb and flow.. as your son is adjusting to all of this... and it can take time, or years. At least your Ex seems to try too, for your son.

Especially for "boys" as well...the need to learn how to feel "safe" for expressing themselves and confident about it... and secure.

*Just something interesting: I have a 5 almost 6 yr. old girl, and when she was in Kindergarten, she would come home and tell me about her friends. In particular... she would say things like "Sally's Daddy doesn't live with them...her and her sister and brother live only with the Mommy.... the Mommy has a hard time with all the kids....The Daddy lives someplace else in another house....and with somebody else..." I would explain simply that not all Parents live together, but they are still a Mommy & Daddy etc. Gee, but it really shows that kids, even when very young... are "talking" about this already to their friends and such. They are not clueless and really are affected by things... if anything.. even the more reason to help them and/or via counseling. Kids this age just need professional guidance to cope many times. It seems, my daughter's friend in school, would vent her feelings this way, telling her friends about it.... what an eye opener!

All the best...
Suan

so sorry to hear you and your son are having to deal with this. i went thru a divorce almost 8 years ago when my children where 6 and 5.

i did go thru some therapy for myself. and one of the main things i learned was this is all a process of mourning. just like a death. the kids both got some extra help at school. they were able to go once a week and thru play and other activities had a little one on one time with someone. which i think was good for them. also with my daughter who was a lot more vocal than my son and having some problems, i incouraged her to write things down. it wasnt anything that she had to show anyone but just to help her express herself. that might be something to help your son.
good luck and it will all just take a lot of time. just try to stay consistant with him and keep things as close to the norm as possible. try to make a new normal and start new traditions between the 2 of you.

Hello M.- I have 2 girls; a 6 year old and a 14 month old. I am also going through a divorce. I filed 2 1/2 years ago, then we went to extensive counseling and got back together only for me to find out that he was back to his old behaviors and this time I was pregnant. But, I would never regret trying because I have another beautiful daughter that I would not have had otherwise. Anyways, it is so difficult and yes are there ups and downs. It is much harder when children are involved. I would definitely suggest therapy for you and your son. Some places or therapsits even offer group therapy with all three of you. If you soon to be ex is willing I would strongly recommend it. My therapist has always told me try to be strong around my children. I have been working on leaving the room when I feel emotional etc. Our children feed off of us. If they see how it is effecting us,they can't help but feel the same. They also emphathize for us. Have you ever heard the poem about children learn what they live? Try to google it. It really shows how we effect our children so much. Stay strong and good luck with everything. Always remember you are not alone. Just you writing looking for advice on this shows what an excellent loving mother you are-your son is lucky to have you. Keep reminding him too that you are so lucky to have him. Shower him with your love and remind him that none of it is his fault in any way. Unfortunately, several of us mommies have to go through this with our children! I will keep you in my prayers.