Too Young for School? - Southampton,NY

He may just emotionally not be ready to go. Most of the preschool programs around here are 2 days a week for 3 yr old's and 3 days a week for 4 year old's. maybe put him into a less times a week program. But if it was me and you don't have to have him in a program for daycare reasons and he doesn't want to go keep him home with you. This time goes by so fast and once its gone you can't get it back.

Some children are educationally and intellectually ready, but not quite socially ready. Montessori schools are great for younger children, but he sounds like he could maybe wait a bit longer. Just see how it goes for the next few days if he adjusts, if not, I would pull him out for now.

My daughter was born on the cutoff date. I asked EVERYONE I knew if I should send her or hold her. The one piece of advice that I received that made a differece was this:

You will never regret holding her back.

I could have written what you work...exactly. We did this EXACT thing last year with our 3.5 year old who tests at age 5 (and has been speaking complex sentences with vocabulary better than most adults since he was under age 2). We did what you have done, entered him into Montessori, and after 6 weeks, we pulled him out due to the behavioral differences we noticed, just as you mentioned. Since having him back at home, he is thriving and not tantruming - I truly do believe it was much more beneficial to keep him at home with daily playgroup time with structure (and parenting) rather than putting him on his own in montessori. I hope it works out for you...it was a great decision, even though we were divided about as I see you are too.

P.S. Montessori is NOT structured....there is very little guidance, I think this may tend in some children to lead to tantrums when they are too young for schooling without parents.

I am so tired of hearing people say Montessori is not structured. It is very structured if they are doing it right. The American way of doing Montessori is not as child-led as the European way, either. All of my children benefited from a Montessori education, and if you find a good Montessori school you will know it. Not all schools are the same though, so to paint them all with a wide brush is unfair.

I agree with Lisa M. I have worked in such a setting and what your son is doing is totally normal. He will be ok, give him some time to adjust. The teachers want you to discuss this with him because, ultimately, he will take his cue from you about this situation. If you are confident and supportive of his ability to go to school, he will be too. Children tantrum to communicate, and if he's not normally a kid who has tantrums, he is feeling very out of control of the situation and is not sure how to process his new environment, new people, new schedule, etc... It's up to you to show him how to do this.

"Intellect" is not the same as "emotional" development.

Boys... as they say, benefit from starting later. (?)
per their emotional development.

Or, you just keep trying and see how he adjusts.

Montessori... is a 'child led' curriculum.

all the best,
Susan

My 2.5 year old can spell her name, etc.etc.etc. She will not be entering a school environment until she is at least 4. They are toddlers. I believe they should be given at least a few YEARS of free-play before they enter "school."

Seriously, 2 year olds need to be playing, not going to school. He is still a "baby," of course he wants his mommy.

Hi R.,
I would say that even though your child might be able to handle the school academically, he doesn't sound ready emotionally. Anything they can do at Montesorri, you can do at home. They even have websites with Montesorri items for sale if you want to implement some of their items at home. There really is no rush to push children into formal academic environments. They have so many years ahead of them to be in school. Is he your first born? I ask because I felt the same way about mine. He started Montesorri at 4. After K, we brought him home to homeschool, but before that I had no idea I could do those things with him at home. I thought I needed the "professionals" to do it. I giggle at myself now over that. You are fully equiped to teach your own child, especially at this level. You've done it all so far, and from your own words, he is doing great! Blessings!

Sounds like he may not be ready. Most kids that age can use the potty well, and have decent vocabularies, and if taught can learn to read, that does not mean they are socially developed enough to be ready for regular school. I would back off and maybe try a less structured pre-school type setter, something with shorter hours and/or that meets less during the week.

I don't know but I usually tell my parents to come in, tell their child they love them, and they will see them later then leave. It really makes the transition much easier for the teacher and the child. The crying usually only lasts, in the extreme, a couple of weeks then it's over, mostly...if they are feeling unwell or fighting off an infection they may be more clingy at times.

Good luck. Once he's over this transition I am sure he will love school...you might try talking to him and find out if anything is going on, maybe someone isn't as nice as they should be, or he may not have made any friends yet.

Maybe he is just not ready for that next step the teachers described you take.

A real Montessori where there is supported individual learning is phenomenal for a bright child - our daughter learned so much.

But if he is miserable, bring him home - he'll be at school in a few years anyway - no reason to rush him. Maybe try shorter days or fewer days per week.

Hi! Montessori is the perfect setting for him! My girls went and it was one of the best things we ever did for them! It's so low key, easy learning. Your son my just be having a little difficulty adjusting to being in a different situation. That's pretty normal. The teacher at our Montessori school said it takes about 6 weeks for the kids to fully adjust. You are only on day 3! I say stick with it and give it some time. I think you and he will be happy in the end. She also recommended that the parents drop the child, say I love you, hug/kiss/whatever and tell them "I'll be back to get later." She said it made it easier for her and them. It seemed to have worked every time! BTW, I sent both my girls when they were 2! 3 half days a week until they were 3 then 5 half days, then when they were 4 they went all day 5 days. They both begged to go more so we sent them. They loved it and learned so much! Good luck! Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be right for you and your son!

This sounds like a typical separation anxiety that is normal for his age. I remember dropping my then-3 year old son off at day care (an academically focused program) and going through the same sort of meltdown. And this was despite the fact that he'd been in daycare with relatively peaceful drop-offs since he was 3 months! It sounds typical of the age, and you should expect it to last for a little while, maybe a few weeks(??).

I remember clearly the teacher saying it's very important to give a hug and say goodbye before leaving (even though the child may cry, it's better for their psyche than sneaking away because you can't bear it yourself), and to leave quickly after that--not linger where the child can see you. They'll recover faster that way. And after they realize in a few days that you always come back to get them later, they'll settle down during departure time. Don't get me wrong -- it feels HORRIBLE to walk away from your crying child -- I felt guilty at the time (even cried myself on my way to the car a few times). But I knew his teacher was with him trying to distract him and refocus him on toys or friends or activities, and that she really did care about him. He pretty quickly adjusted to the routine.

I came back to add that his day care/preschool class had both 3 and 4 year olds. It was a good program that set different academic and behavioral expectations for the different ages, but I think it helped him learn behavioral and social skills by being able to have 4 year olds around him who could model behavior that he'd aspire to. It was especially true for him since he is an only child.

I think the teachers are probably right. Quick, get hold of the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. These workshop leaders/parenting experts have fabulous and effective advice on how to empathize with a child and allow him to help come up with solutions. It may be that he's too young. Or maybe the situation is simply progressing too quickly for him, and he desperately needs a little more control or reassurance. He can let you know if you know how to listen and ask.

My grandson's parents and I have used this approach with my bright and articulate grandson since he was around 2.5, and it has been wonderful.

I have a 3.5 year old daughter who is very much like your son. She has always been very advanced at such a young age. She has been reading for some time, simple math, ect.. I enrolled her in pre-school as soon as she turned 3 (twice a week). The first couple of days were great as a matter of fact her teachers were so impressed that she adjusted so quickly. However, after a week or so she began to cry horribly at drop off. I was told she was fine shortly after I left and that they see this pattern all the time. They said once children begin to realize that this is not a once in a while event and more of a set routine they regress a bit and then they are fine. The crying seemed to last a couple of days and she was fine. She is now one of the youngest in the pre-k class which she loves but are a little concerned that she may not be able to take on a leadership role with the 4 and 5 year olds. Seems as there is always something new to worry about!

All three of my children (a single girl and twin boys) went to Montessori. They started in the 2s program (5 mornings a week) and then went on to the combined 3s and 4s class (5 full days). They loved it and really got a lot out of it. The first few days of school are sometimes tough on kids who haven't ever separated from their parents before. Montessori (at least the one we went to) was pretty good at helping parents and kids deal with the separtion issues. They have you stay outside and tell your child you will be there. They don't let you sneak off b/c too upsetting for the child. My kids didn't have any issues, but that's not always the case. There were definitely moms who had to hang around for a few days or weeks into school.
Hopefully he will grow out of it. If you pull him out and do this again next year, you'll probably have the same issue, but just a year from now. Good luck. It will get easier.
Oh, one book that I highly recommend is "Llama Llama Misses Mama" by Anna Dewdney. It's a great book about a child being nervous to leave his mom at school and finds out that at the end of the day, Mom comes back and he loves school and his mama too! Another good book is "The Kissing Hand."

I've got three likely gifted boys who would test just like your son. Especially my oldest. In fact, I'm on the phone all day today trying to get some answers about gifted programs for him now that he's in 1st grade.

I think I agree with the other responders. Asynchronous development means that he may have the brain of a 4 year old, but you have to remember, even when he uses big words, that he's still only 2!!! TWO!!! How little is two?? so so little!

The best thing I did was practically home schooling. While I wanted my son to have social interaction, he didn't need preschool for the school part. We make lots of trips to the library. I let him pick the books. He used to get all non-fiction when he was your son's age. We'd almost have "units' where he'd get 3 books about polar bears and we'd read them over and over. The next week, he'd get penguins. The week after that, he'd want volcanoes. He was using words like "dormant" and "seismic" at age 3, and could describe the water cycle and the difference between lava and magma. And he ate it up. That's all he needed to keep his mind occupied. We'd also watch PBS specials together. Two very memorable ones were about the Mars Rover and one about Polio. That last one prompted a discussion and internet search for images of bacteria and viruses, as well as a discussion of the immune system.

And the whole time you're doing these things together, he's with Mommy, so he's getting the mental stimulation he needs and the emotional security he needs to grow up healthy and brainy!

It also gets your family into a lifestyle of learning. My husband calls us a bunch of nerds because we don't just go on a walk, we discuss the ecosystem and different plant species that we pass. It's usually directed by our kids, who ask questions constantly. it can be frustrating to keep up with them and always be talking, but it's also hugely rewarding. Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know, we should look that up" if he stumps you.

And be prepared to explain how vaccines work, why the earth rotates, and the atomic theory. I've done all of those with my 6 and 4 year old (and some of this while they were younger!)

My son has been in daycare since he was little and in more of a pre-school setting since he was 2 1/2 (he's 3 1/2 now). My husband and I like to think that he is very intelligent, but I'll be the first to admit that emotionally he is not a "big boy" yet. :) Nevertheless, he does fine in preschool, and has always been full time (5 days a week, 8 hours a day). He has some separation anxiety on occasion, but I also get him to school about 15 minutes before I actually leave, and we do the same routine every day -- go to the bathroom, wash hands, choose a book, sit and read together, and then have the special goodbye hug. Your routine would be your choice, of course, but I know my son has a much easier time with me leaving when I give him those 15 minutes.

It's hard for 3 year olds to leave their mommies if they're not used to it -- I'm sure he'll adjust. That said, not every school is the right one for every child, so it may end up that you end up switching him. Don't worry about that -- you'll do whatever is best for your son, I'm sure!

Good luck,
B.

Yes, R. he is too young. The expectations of a 4 year old are so different. Academically he can probably make it but to those 4 yo's he looks and acts like a baby and therefore would be out of the loop. As a preschool teacher I recommend you find a class of 3 only so that the kids were only a year older if you really want to send him to school. I don't know why you don't begin homeschooling him instead then just go to the play ground, play spaces, maybe Sunday School, and all. Get the K or Pre K materials and just set time aside to go to school at home. Look over those materials and see which ones you honestly think he fits into. I said look honestly, not biting off more than he can do.
Our son (now a lawyer for the US gov. married with my 2 grandchildren) could read before he was age appropriate for Pre K. In fact the Pre K teacher told me he could read at literacy level upon entrance. That is 5th grade. Emotionally however he was not that age and needed time to learn emotions and feelings. Give him that space to learn those things as well.
Have a great time, remembering that intelligent children can choose what they want to do & it is fun, but much more difficult to keep them challenged.
God bless you and give you wisdom
Empty nester Adult children 39, 34, and twins 20

Maybe he is a little young or maybe he is just adjusting. My son started preschool 3 mornings a few months after he turned 3. The first few weeks were rough and it was even up to a few months before he was settled. We started my son in May and he was in the routine by the end of the summer even with a family vacation in the middle. When he switched teachers then were some issues but in the end he had a really good year. He moved to 5 mornings around Christmas. He is now at the same school for pre K and enjoying it. The only thing that may be hard is being the youngest in the class. I went to Kindergarten at age 4 and had no preschool and it took me all year to adjust. I do think kids are more ready for school if they have at least some preschool. Homeschooling can be good or even the best option in some situations but it is not the right thing for everyone (as well as being a huge time commitment for the parent).

I think it's important to remember that no matter how intelligent your little boy is, emotionally he is still a 2 year old, not 3 or 4. Many 2 year olds are not ready for school. However, the pattern you described of hesitant, then okay, then a meltdown is NOT uncommon for kids starting preschool or daycare for the first time -even at 3 or 4. One meltdown does NOT mean that your child is not ready for preschool. You need to give this more time.

How many hours/days per week is this program? My son did a 2's program last year for 2 mornings a week and loved it, but we definitely had days where he didn't want me to leave him behind. It's very common and natural. No matter how intelligent he is, keep in mind he's still very young! He still wants Mom no matter what.
Good luck!
Lynsey

Your son is not too young. There are children that can start school/preschool without any problems. It just sounds like your son is not too you academically, but may be too young emotionally. It doesn't sound like he has the concept down that you will come back for him and that nothing will happen to you to prevent that. You are probably better off teaching him at home, then letting him start kindergarten early. By then he should have that concept down.

You've gotten some great advice to help you make your decision, but I don't think that three days is enough time to really tell how he's doing yet. When My daughter started preschool at 3, there were a few kids who had a hard time adjusting. It took several weeks to a couple months for them to adjust. By the middle of the school year, they were all well adjusted and happy in school. I think you just need to give it a little more time and keep talking to the teachers about how he is doing.
Best wishes.

What about sending him to a daycare with a cirriculum and see how he does? Are they having him sit and learn? Is he used to this?

I Think you should just give him time to adjust I think if you let him go to school now in time he will adjust and love to go I have a 3 year old daughter at home and I think that is a good age to start your kids so that they learn and develop earlier in life! Every child has their moments and tantrums buts you got to take control and teach your child that its a good thing get excited when you take them to school mabe even stay for an hour when dropping them off to give him time to adjust to the whole idea my daughter wants to go to school now that her older brother is in school she cant wait. you know is just like say your kid is with you in the store and throws a fit because they want candy so he starts screaming and kicking his feet do you give him what he wants??? NO absolutely not!!! That teaches bad behavior! I dont know if i am of any help to you but i think it would be a good experience for your child your not the only one that put your kid in school that young its just like sending your child to the babysitter or daycare! Good Luck!

Intellectually I am sure he is beyond his years, but just because he is ahead in certain concepts and learning ability does not necessisarily mean that he is beyond his years emotionally. And that also does not mean that he is anything less than AMAZING!

My son is three and just started his second year of pre-school. It is like 3 hours a day three days a week. He did a two hour a day two day a week class last semester of last year. My Nanny took him and it took several weeks for him to become comfortable.

Your son's behavior is totally normal. Support him, but don't coddle him or it will continue forever. He will grow more comfortable in time.

Has he been around other children in a play setting before? What caused the breakdown. Maybe you should try to observe him there before you make a decision?