Too Close for Comfort

J.! I can't believe you're posting this stuff about me on the internet! I thought you liked me! LOL...just kidding.

No advice. Just...yikes.

And thankfully no, nobody like that near me...

Yikes, harsh!! 1-I need space 2-I'm really not in the market for a new best friend 3-Atleast not you and 4-I don't want to hang out that much because I'm too busy!!

I think some version of #4 would have been setting boundaries while being kind.

I don't think you sound snobby but we don't know the story. Sometimes it's just hard to get people to understand that you aren't looking for a new friendship or that your values/ideas just don't mesh.

I would still smile, say good morning/good afternoon, whatever, and then quickly move on to your house.

She'll find someone else soon enough.

I had a neighbor that was needy years and years ago. It was all about her, so it was a little one sided in the sense that I could help her as needed and if I was available. I bet it was a huge risk to be bold like that and say the truth, but sometimes we have to be honest and that can be hurtful. Maybe you can lead her to some moms groups or support groups. It is not that you don't care, you just can't take it on.

There's honesty and then there's hurtful.
I think you could have made your point without being quite so hurtful ("I'm not really in the market for a new best friend, well at least not" you).
This turned the issue from situational to personal.
She's leaving you alone.
But she lives there too, right?
So if your choice of words/phrases make you feel bad now when you see her, I guess you can either A.) Ignore it or B.) apologize for being harsh.
Apologizing doesn't mean you now want her for a BFF, it means you're sorry for the way you said it.
Sure it's "awkward"! What did you THINK it was going to be like when you saw her in your complex after saying what you said? Not surprising, right?
I have avoided/minimized/eliminated social interactions with people I have felt are unsafe/clueless parents/nasty whatever but I've never come right out and said it!
Good luck!

Good for you for being frank. Good for her for being gracious about being rejected. Just keep your head up high and be cordial. You are not obliged to like everyone.

If this is a repeat habit of yours, I suggest you do some thinking on it, or ask a close friend or companion, what it is about you which might draw this ilk.

there's an old expression we try to live by, "don't sh-t where you sleep." consequently, we keep our neighbors at arms distance.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Honestly, it sounds like she was just trying to be a nice person, and you sound like you are kind of a snob. Sorry if that offends you, but sometimes the truth hurts, like you pointed out in your post when you said you hurt her. But, there is always a chance I simply don't know the whole story about this other woman.

J.:

I'm sorry - I don't feel I have enough information to answer this question fully.

What do you find undesirable about her and her husband?
Why can't you just tell her exactly how you feel? It IS possible to do that without being rude.
Do the kids get along? If so - maybe you can have them over to your place by themselves?

You attract "these kind" of people because you don't up for yourself and tell someone "Hey. I'm sorry - I am not interested. I don't feel our values (or whatever is the problem) mesh." It's MUCH easier to be honest than it is to hem and haw and not take charge...it is OKAY to say NO. It is OKAY to tell someone that you didn't feel it was working out or whatever the case may be.

You were a tad harsh telling her like that. That could've been handled differently. It would be my opinion that you need to apologize for being so rude. that's why it's awkward for you - as you know what you said was just plain mean/rude. Just because you apologize doesn't mean that you have changed your mind about being friends. You just need to apologize for poor form.

Take charge. Take control. Don't be afraid to walk out in your own neighborhood.

Same thing happened to me with a neighbor family; they turned out to be loud, jealous and kinda rude for my taste. I keep ignoring them (doncall them and when she calls me I keep it short, tell her we're soo busy during the week and we have other engagements in the weekends) but I would NEVER break up directly with them. No need for akwardness or resentment or whatever. We too are too close (living in the same condo and sharing the same yard and neighborhood). Since the damage is done, I would just smile at them politely when you meet them and that's it. What else could you do?

What is so undesirable I wonder? More specifics?

I attract people who do this. I have had to weed them out. I felt like a hypocrite saying hello and walking on, but totally ignoring them seemed wrong so now I say hello and that is it.

I let my guard down with one because she swore both she and her daughter changed. They didn't. It was even harder to get rid of her the second time.

Now that I quit settling for unhealthy types, I have made real friends.
It is so much better. Hang in there. I was being judged as bad for who I was seen talking to.

I don't think anyone should be chiding you, or calling you a snob. C'mon, people.... we ALL have people we do not care for. Atempting to act like you don't, is, well, snobby. I am much like J.. I am a very personable person, and I think others interpret that as meaning I am also sociable. That is not the case AT ALL. As J. mentioned in her life, I too have plenty on my plate to take care of be responsible for. I don't have any friends, I choose it to be that way, and I am HAPPY with it that way. Women are entirely too possessive. They want to call and text constantly, and want to psycho-analyze every tid-bit of their life. You quit calling and texting? They do what this lady did - show up at your house! Too high school for me. On top of just not wanting that kind of responsibility or relationship, it sounds like this woman was also a moocher, and a slacker who just wants things handed to her. I don't think you did anything wrong, J.. You were trying not to hurt her feelings, but in the process of trying not to hurt them you hurt them. At the end of the day what is best for you and YOUR family is what matters though, so you have learned your lesson. She'll move on to the next person.

Roflmao aw the power of words and perception don't worry the awkwardness will be over soon

I think she was very civilized in her response to you and in the end you got what you wanted, so I would try not to worry about it further. As you said, lesson learned.

Sounds indeed as if she's clingy or needy for being included in someone's life even if it bothers the other person. Main thing is not to give in if she tries again, just be nice but firm in saying "I realize that you may be looking for friendship but I'm not really a social person & enjoy my privacy & prefer not to socialize" & leave it at that, perhaps that will help. These types of people are hard to deal w/sometimes. I have a relative (related by marriage) that is that way. Always trying to meddle or "be involved" or push herself onto us by inviting herself over to "stay for a few days" then ends up not leaving. Argh, very frustrating & awkward indeed. Especially when we can't disagree w/her or have our own opinion about something. If we ask her to leave or tell her we don't have time to visit, or she'll do something that really bothers us (like doing something w/o our permission that has to do w/personal stuffs) & we call her on it, she always goes melodramatic & goes on for days til we finally stoop low & apologize for hurting her feelings. We try to avoid her at all costs but sometimes it's hard if she decides to just stop by unannounced. I agree w/other posters saying try to just take a moment & think about how you may portray yourself in thinking you only attract these types of people or, like someone else suggested, ask a good friend or relative if they notice something about you that you may not realize which attracts these types of people. I seem to attract people that take advantage of my good nature to help others. They ask for my help & promise me all kinds of things (like help in return if needed) just to be ignored later if I ask for their help or I'll be invited to a get-together then when I show up, it's like "what is SHE doing here??!!" or they'll conveniently forget they invited me or they won't like me once they get to know me so I too have some reflecting to do to see what it is about myself that I'm doing unknowingly to cause this to happen. Hope you don't have anymore issues w/your neighbor, good luck!!

Chalk it up to lesson learned. Thankfully, I have been able to avoid these kinds of situations to a great extent. Whenever I have lived somewhere with communal space (apartments/condos with "common areas") I have ALWAYS tried to keep to myself for fear of something like that happening. I don't think it makes me a snob. I just know myself. And I know that I don't like feeling like I have to "hide" when I am at home to avoid someone showing up at the door or catching me in the parking lot before I ever get inside.

I like to CHOOSE my friends rather than have people foisted on me by proximity. And once you open that door to someone who lives right there... well, you see what can happen.

The real difficulty comes if your kids want to play with hers. :( I don't know how old your kids are, but have you considered how to address that if it should come up?

Motherhood can be a really harrowing and lonely experience. Perhaps in the future you could have been a better friend.