Toddlers, Arrrgh!

L.,
I know that a lot of people frown on this, but spanking has made my child's toddler years much more enjoyable. And usually it only takes the threat of a spanking b/c once they have had a couple, they no mom means business. I work in a school with a lot of children who should have been spanked growing up b/c they have absolutely no respect for authority now. It will be hard, ( I cried the first time I spanked my child), but it is usually quite effective!

Been there, still doing it. I posted a couple weeks back with something similar to this. One of the requests that came up a lot was to put her in her bedroom - general reason was she was doing it for attention, in her room she has no attention (even in time out you can still see and hear her, therefore there is attention). My first thought was okay, we'll try it, anything is better than this - but boy was I skeptical. To my amazement it has worked. Now, when the tantrum starts I say "Trisana go up to your room until you're behavior is acceptable" - she's done by the time she's half way up the stairs. Once she calms down, we explain that the behavior us unacceptable behavior, and we won't have it around us. She seems to understand now, that if she is going to have a tantrum it belongs in her bedroom. She'll be 3 in April, so right around the same age as your daughter.

Oh L.!
I have a very stong-headed daughter, who at 2 to 3 years of age gave me quite a run for my money. I can honestly say during most of the times she did act out, she was tired. I have walked out of restaurants, stores and friends homes because of her disrespectful behavior. For me, the key is getting right down to her level, and speaking very soft, but firm, giving her options, and sticking right to the punishment I have threatened. I have learned she will take me for a mile if I give in an inch. Also, I noticed a change in her behavior when I started really praising her good qualities and giving her lots of good lovin', not just being on guard waiting for her "bad" behavior to kick in. Now that she is almost 5, I am no longer dealing with the "bad" behavior as much, but I did learn with her that I really have to be "on" the bad behavior and nip it in the bud right away. We seem to have quite a control issue between us. There is hope! As for the potty training, this one is nothing more than a losing battle for you to chose. My daughter and I did have some power struggles over potty training, and I learned very quickly that I was not going to win...so, I just backed off, bragged her up when she made a postitive choice, and rewarded her with special "big-girl" undies. Good luck!

L.,
Tune in Wednesday nights at 9 on ABC. SuperNanny is fantastic. My kids are grown and I still marvel at what changes this lady makes for families in trouble and for moms just like you.
Basically, keep putting the hitter in the time out seat. If they get up, you put them back until they're ready to listen to you. Explain it is not right to go hitting you, especially when you're trying to keep them safe. Set a time out time limit. If it's just screaming, add a couple minutes until they calm down.
Don't forget the hugs after the apology, tho!

My son was a pistol too when he was that young. perfect baby...but then he hit about 2 1/2 and decided to make up for lost time! I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but i completely ignored him when he acted like that. Like he wasn't even there...would say things like "I don't hear you when you talk/act like that" and not even make eye contact. One time he threw a fit while we had company over, threw himself on the floor and was yelling and screaming...so in a very excited (sarcastic) voice I said "oooh...make it a good one honey, these guys haven't got to see you do this before!" He got so angry he stopped and marched into his room. but the fit stopped....
He eventually grew out ot it all together and he is the sweetest most loving kid i know (a little biased i know) He is turning 15 tomorrow!
I would react to his bad behavior at first, and become agitated myself...the key in my opinion is to remain calm and act like it's not affecting you...and in the extreme cases when they are being very disruptive and others are being affected...ONE swat on the butt, IS necessary. Alot of people won't condone that, but I think that kids these days are being raised with no consequenses, and that isn't right.

Seems like a control issue. i would be careful about the potty thing. we had same problem with our son (now 5)---and still have some problems. he finally was able to be bribed--but Nothing worked for years (like til 4 yrs old!)
If time-outs don't work, then start taking things away, ie. favorite toys, etc. I keep reading that consistency is more important than anything. When they misbehave, we must IMMEDIATELY correct the behavior and do so WITHOUT becoming emotionally upset. (very, very difficult, but it will work)
good luck--D.

OK, she will go potty when she is ready. You should not punish for that, because it is a losing battle. You are not only stressing yourself out, but by doing that you are making her not want to do it more. I have a 3 yr old and I am wishing for the 4's real quick. I know exactly where you are coming from. Sorry to tell you this, but she is just shy of 3 it only gets worst!

Since your first question was addressed I'll go with the potty thing.
1. Is she showing signs of readiness to use the potty? If not, then SHE is not ready, and NOTHING you do at this time is going to change that and you are gonna frustrate both of you.
2. IF she is ready to use the potty, by all means take the diapers away. Plan on staying home for a few days. And plan on a fair amount of whining for the diaper. Plan on a few definat messes (since she is a pistol).
Also, a grandma gave me this observation, when it comes to potty training it is a test if wills. Your will versus theirs. They only way a child has to display their will it to act up! This could be the 'change' you are dealing with.

In any case, buck up, be mom, and this too shall pass.

P.S. took mine about 3 days with out a diaper to 'get it'.

What about the book Love and Logic.. it talks about giving them choices.. so if she's running at the pool.. something like, Would you like me to pick you up or would you like to sit down yourself?

I only have a one year old so I don't know the challenge (yet) of having a two year old.. I've been reading discipline books though to get ideas and I liked that book.

It sounds like you got yourself a 'one of me.' I'm certain that if I had been my grandmother's daughter she'd have beaten me to death, and then sworn that I'd provoked her to it on purpose. Fortunately, I was my mother's daughter and my mother figured out before I was three that she *could* spend the rest of every moment of ever day having a non-stop argument with me... or she could, well, just not.

My mom says that she had *NEVER* encountered a more determined, argumentative, unbribable, non-compliant, resistant human being in her life. To date. Since my mom would rather eat her own feet than argue with anyone about anything at all, ever, it certainly wasn't *HER* doing that made me this way. And it was totally overwhelming to her.

As soon as my mom decided which three things she was going to be equally-determined-as-I-was about and stopped pushing me about everything else, I became a mild, easy-going happy little monster. As Barbara Coloroso says: never argue with anyone over the age of 2 1/2, their verbal skills are too well-developed and you will lose.

Edmund Sprunger, Suzuki violin instructor, said: Resistance is the child's way of cooperating by showing the adult what doesn't work.

For me (and the many children like me) caving in to bribery, pressure, demands, the whims of others, bureaucracy (sorry to say that I still haven't outgrown THAT one) and orders always felt TO ME like being asked to give up who I am. Not what I want, not what I think, not what I have -- but myself, at the core.

When you're arguing with your little one, or trying to move her in a direction she doesn't want to go in (or doesn't feel ready for, or is afraid of) TO HER, you may be asking her to stop being herself. For this reason, she'll be so much more tenacious than you are... she has the survival of herself at stake. You just have some diapers or a clock, or what other people think of you. It means more to her, it matters more to her, so she won't give in before you. If you're planning to be equally-determined, expect a very long war.

I recommend you take my mom's advice. I didn't turn out to be a homicidal maniac, I've never been arrested, I have a stable home and family, I've been married to a very tenacious man for 23 years, and most of my friends have been my friends since high school. I still won't say anything I don't mean, and will take no vow I do not intend to keep. So it didn't turn out too badly.

My mom says she realized, somehow by a stroke of miraculous luck, that I was trustworthy, sensible, rational, cooperative and, unless provoked to resist, happy to go along with pretty much anything that was explained to me (rather than ordered at me). I would, she felt, 'probably' be fine, and even if I wasn't, living in a non-stop war just wasn't something she could face, so she literally surrendered. She insisted on bedtime, eating at the table, and going to school.

I never balked on any of those, because I could be awake thinking about anything I wanted in bed, didn't care where I ate and enjoyed school enough, cause my friends were there anyhow. Strangely, the vast majority of teachers I had 'just knew' that I wasn't for pushing around, and not one ever tried more than once. I was fortunate to have some great, respectful teachers.

Mom & I have never argued about anything, ever again. One of the things I love my mom for the most is her deep respect for me, and her unshakable trust in me, which has translated into her being an amazingly supportive grandma.

Instead of telling her what NOT to do (don't run) try telling her what TO do (WALK please). The mind has a harder time understanding the negative, especially at a young age. And for some reason we want to do what we are told not to. For instance, if I tell you "Don't look behind you." You probably have a sudden urge to look behind yourself. :)

Good luck.

Hi L.,

Okay so I am a first time mum of a 16 month old little girl and she is pretty good. We feel like the "terrible two's" are trying to start. Anyway, we do not count to three, we do not do time outs yet or anything. But we STRONGLY feel that kids are given too many warnings....1....2....2 1/2....3....okay I said 3.....1...2.....you know what I mean. Not saying you do that, but kids KNOW...that if 3 is coming and they do know if you will follow through with a punishment or not. Also, where are time out? Is it a fun place, does she get to see things still happening? Not sure I am being much help, maybe some other responses will help.

Thanks,
S.

Hi L.!

Toddlers can certainly be trying! I have a three 1/2 year old who can be difficult as well. We do time-outs, or sometimes other consequences that coincide with what did or didn't happen. (If she didn't eat her dinner, there is no treat afterwards, that type of thing...) I went to a talk recently where a child psychologist talked about time-outs and the best way to make them work for you. She suggested having your child say the alphabet so many times through (more for more serious offenses) or another simple song. We've tried that a few times and my daughter has truly responded well. It keeps her calm, but it still removes her from a situation. In regards to BEFORE she gets to the time-out, try not giving any chances and give her choices. That way it is HER choice whether or not she will have to sit on time-out. My daughter has actually sent herself more than once! For example, "please pick up your toys, or you can have a seat on the steps until you are ready." My daughter has been known to put herself on time-out before doing something I ask. If she acts out, hitting, kicking, etc..., I normally say, "Oh that is so sad. I guess you need a little time to yourself. I will see you again when you can be sweet." And at this age, don't always expect an apology. Kids don't need to be reminded why they are there, they know they have done something wrong. My daughter starts apologizing immediately to avoid any consequences at all! Too bad that doesn't work! :) Good luck to you!

E.

Do you believe in spanking?