To Play or Not to Play

If she's getting frustrated with it, I would let it go. If she wants to learn, she'll pick it up again. I would pick up a book called "Teaching Little Fingers to Play". I taught myself how to play from that book. That way, if she decides she wants to give it another go, she could try without you having to fork out a bunch for lessons. If she continues with her interest after that, THEN you could start lessons back up for her.

Here's the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Teaching-Little-Fingers-Play-Thomps...

i would tell her that even though she feels like she isn't the best at it if she really wants it she has to put more time into it. and that is she really hates it that i will help her find something that she loves just as much as her brother loves the piano. she is probably more upset because she is the big sister and is suppose to be picking it up faster than her brother. But just be supportive of whatever she decides to do and explain to her that sometimes in life you might not be as good in somethings as you want to be, but those are the things you have to try harder at if you really want to accomplish it.

Added - Great post, Keri! You are SO right in everything you said.

Original:
Are you sure she is really "agonizing", or is she being a drama queen?

Only you know your daughter's personality.

I would be very strict with her and let her have it if she were my child, acting jealous of her brother's success at the piano, and getting angry at him playing. That would never fly in my house. To be honest, I don't think she is crying because it's too "hard". I think she is just being mean to her brother. And I'd let her cry and tell her that she is acting inappropriately.

I don't believe that a child should have to play an instrument that he or she hates. But I do think that the way she is acting, at her age, warrants a real consequence. Only you know what her currency is. I hope you'll pick something dear to her and take it away until she straightens her attitude out regarding her brother.

Sorry if this isn't what you were looking for.

Dawn

She sounds a bit self-centered. She needs to learn to praise her brother and desire good for him, not evil. She needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her, and that some people will be better at some things than she is. The opposite is also true. When she is excelling, she needs to be humble about it. Many people struggle the same way she is struggling. It is a character issue that needs to be dealt with in love. Ask her why she is so upset that her brother is doing well. Get to the root of it with her. Be sure she actually confesses what it is, so that you can then go from there, teaching her the right way to think and act. I think this has been a brilliant opportunity for you to see character issues in your daughter while she is still very young and can more easily change.

I've been a music teacher for 10 years, a pianist for 26 years (professionally for the last 14 of those), and a mom for 4 years. Here's my answer:

I would tell her to get over herself. There will always be people who do things better than her. Sometimes it will be her own brother. I would tell her to be happy for people (even her own brother) who excel in something and that she needs to find joy in doing things simply because she likes to do them, not because she's the best at dong them.

I would, as a mother, stand up for my younger son who doesn't deserve to feel guilty about being good at something. This is a really exciting time for him and he deserves to have praise. Make sure you take him aside and explain that, even though big sister is causing drama, YOU are proud of him and YOU will stand up for him and make her stop.

Their future happiness as adults is at stake here - I mean that. In just 10 years SHE will lose a job for whining, crying and carrying on over someone doing something better than her. Not to mention how much that attitude will stress her out (obviously since she cried for several straight hours last night!) And HE could end up being that person who constantly gets passed over for promotions because they sit quietly while others take the credit. Or the person who has a great idea that goes unnoticed because someone else doesn't think it would work.

She is 10 and just a year away from the frightening world of middle school and it sounds like this attitude/outlook on life has been going on for awhile. I believe we need to parent based on the "big picture" instead of focusing on the tears and drama going on at the moment. Look ahead a bit and realize that this behavior will NOT serve her well and will more than likely get her bullied. I've been a middle school teacher for 10 years and the kids that do really well are the ones who have been taught appropriate humility (in her case) and pride (in his case) and when it's okay to have those emotions.

If you're wondering how to start this dialog, try this. Does she like a sport? Does she still play that sport even though there are other people who get paid millions of dollars to play that sport better than she does? Of course she does because it's fun to play! Same thing with piano.

Best of luck turning that drama train around. It's never fun to put one child in their place while building the other one up, but it will be worth it for each of them separately AND for their sibling relationship in the long run.

I know you said you actually purchased a piano, but maybe you could consider getting your daughter an electric piano to practice on in her room.. She can wear headphones.. More like a big girl..

Look on Craigslist and see if you can find a used one or ask around and see if anyone owns one and will let you borrow it to see what she thinks..

Sounds like the is the first time her brother is able to do something better than her and she is not pleased.

I am sure you have spoken with her about how there are times when she will be better at certain things and other times brother will be better.

Use you and your husband as examples of how you are better at....
But Dad has always been way better as you at........

Or use you and one of your siblings as examples.. Let her know it is normal..

I like the idea of getting her her own little keyboard so that she can practice in private. The thing that stinks about a traditional piano is that everyone can hear your mistakes even when you're practicing. It's ten times worse if you think that they are comparing you to your younger sibling at the same time.

Another idea would be to start her on an instrument that would be just for her. My sister is two years younger than me, and it really did suck the wind out of my sails to be constantly compared to her, especially on the piano. If she ever did anything the least bit on the same level as me, it was always so impressive because she was younger. It's a competition that the older one can never "win," so maybe take the competition out of the equation altogether.

This is a toughie - while I don't think you should make your child continue to do something that makes them miserable, I do you have to take into consideration that if your daughter quits, she won't realize what it is to push through and persist and accomplish something. By letting her quit, she could be missing out an a valuable life lesson - that nothing happens easy, and practice and hard work will pay off. She sounds also like she is upset that her younger brother may naturally be better at something than she is and she could be jealous. It might be helpful to ask her what her expectations really were - that somehow she would just magically pick up piano and it would never be hard? She might just need a big fat reality check - you never get anywhere by quitting, especially this early in the game.

The way I see it, she has 2 choices: if she really wants to learn, then she needs to realize that she's going to need to keep working at it and not get frustrated in the process. If she can't handle that, then she has a decision to make. She may decide to pick up piano later down the road and maybe if she's more mature about it, she'll stick with it. But you should both realize too that if it's only been a couple of weeks, that's really not enough time to feel like you've really gotten anywhere. The first couple of weeks of piano lessons are just baby steps - learning how to read a few basic notes of sheet music. It takes years to build your skills and master any musical instrument. Even professional musicians have to practice and are always striving to be better! I took piano lessons for 10 years, then band from 6th to 12th grade (clarinet, saxophone) and there was always more to learn! Even if you were an excellent musician, there are always pieces of music that are more challenging and take more practice to nail down!

I looked through the other responses quickly the one thing no one else mentioned is kids who study music do better in math later on. I don't know why but there have been several studies on this.

This is a tough one. I was "forced" to take piano lessons as a child and hated practicing. But....my mom made me stick to it and I now thank her all the time. If your daughter wants to do anything with music in the future just the learning to read music will help her immensely. When I started band in jr. high I was light years ahead of my non-piano friends due to my understanding of music. I say give her a year, chances are she will like it and want to continue. As for her brother taking to piano so well, this is a life lesson for her. There are always going to be kids better than her in something, and she will be better in other things. Good luck!

I don't think I would let her quit after a few weeks. You just bought a PIANO! And for her to learn that if she makes a huge stink she can just quit doesn't send a good message.

However, it sounds like she has anxiety issues, and I think she could use some help with that.

I haven't read all the responses so my apologies if I'm repeating.
I started playing piano when I was 7 (I'm 29 now) and at various times I have wanted to quit, but now I am so glad that my parents had me stick with it.
I know that when I would get bored or frustrated, we would purchase a new piano book of fun music that I wanted to play (e.g. Disney songs) at my level. Then I wanted to play the songs.
My yougher sister started a couple of years after me and she had the same issues that your daughter is having. But usually buying her a new book with songs she wanted to play did the trick as well. Now she is a better pianist than I am and we are both very glad we kept on playing.
Good luck and lucky you becuase you get to enjoy the beautiful music they play for you. I can't wait for my son to start lessons (he's only 18 months old so I've got some time).

talk to the piano teacher. They may be willing to use a different series for one of the kids so they aren't directly competing.
I do think even one year of piano will benefit them later. Not only in discipline but music appreciation and understanding.
Encourage them both to practice maybe they need specific times to practice so she can be busy doing something else and doesn't hear him.
I taught piano lessons to 3 siblings starting at the same time. They didn't practice and they didn't progress. I don't think it was a competition issue, more lack of interest. They didn't practice and missed at least one lesson a month. In that case it was almost a waste of my time and theirs. However the parents weren't very interested or supportive (for example taking piano lessons when you only have an old small organ to practice on).

If your daughter is truly upset figure out why she is upset. Maybe give her a week off and then try again. Find out why she used to enjoy piano. Maybe she needs "fun" songs.

I can honestly say if she truley hates it but is doing something else that is an outside activity then she could quit. Otherwise I think she needs to keep taking them. She will regret it in the years to come.

I think letting her practice less and not try to keep up with her brother will make it easier for her. Let her set her own pace. Sometimes the fingers just don't cooperate.

I begged for piano lessons as a child. My mom refused, she had sent both my older siblings and it was a waste of time, same things happened as your daughter.

The thing is...I was in band, playing more than one instrument, learning to play sax on my own by borrowing a school instrument, carrying it along with my standard clarinet, etc...I really would have benefited from piano lessons, we already had the piano too.

I think letting her do it at her own pace would take the stress off. There is not reason to make her sit and practice for hours if she hates it so much but letting her find fun songs to practice and other ways to make it fun.

Crying all those hours about this is not healthy. You have to help her move on from the fact that her brother is better at this but that she can still learn. She's in 5th grade, she should be able to understand that some people have a natural gift for music or art and others have to work harder at it. I would not buy a keyboard or something personal for her. Just make a schedule for the two of them so they aren't in front of the piano together. If you signed her up for lessons for a certain period of time, she should finish those but don't make her sign up for more.

Do you feel this is about her brother "beating" her?
Does she have a pattern of wanting to quit things that get to hard?
If she is generally not jealous of her brother and if she generally does her best, and has been active in other activites I would let her stop.
As much as teaching kids that things are not always easy... and they can't always quit is important... I think it is also important for kids to be able to realize when something is not for them and when it is ok to walk away. Playing any instrument takes a lot of practice and committment, she is telling you she is not willing to put that effort into the piano, and that is ok.