To Have a Second Child or Not. That Is the Question???????

I have 5 boys from the age of 18y to 1y and I would not change it for the world. They add so much to my life. To watch them interact, influence and bond with each other is something I can't explain. Each of them have such different personalities and I never knew it was possible to love 5 children in 5 different ways (if that makes sense) while loving them all equally. My opinion..go for it.

I come from a slightly different place than most of these other moms. My husband and I are both only children. When I was little I wanted a brother or sister for about a minute before I realized it would change the incredible dynamic I had with my parents. I think only an only child could explain what it is like to be an only child. My life was filled with family. Family I made for myself. Maybe because I didn't have brothers and sisters I became very good at keeping close relationships. Most of my friends are friends I have had since elementary school. They are still a huge part of my life, and my daughter's life. As for being lonely, I think it only looks that way to people who don't understand that being alone is not necessarily lonely. I know how to be quiet and peaceful and enjoy being by myself. Looking back, I am so grateful to be an only child. Now that my daughter is 15 months, I feel myself missing the baby she was, and sometimes I entertain the idea of having another one, but unless something unplanned happens, I don't expect I'll have a second child. My childhood was just too sweet, and my relationship with my daughter is just so special, I hope to pass on the tradition of the fabulous closeness I have with my parents. I hope this presents a different side to the story.

Weren't you terribly lonesome growing up, i too was a only child for 15 yrs, then had a baby brother, which i had begged for all my life, but he was more like my baby, i took him everywhere i went, didn't like him out of my site. we are very close now, his son is like my grandchild, i had my 2nd son so my son wouldn't be lonely, and i lost the 2nd son when he was 38, i would advise you to have the 2nd baby. its lonely for a only child..

That is such a hard choice. I havent read all the responses, but here is the only child side.

I come from a long line of only children. I have two grandparents and many cousins who are only children. And most of the only children only had one child. They all seemed to turn out fine, minus one bad apple, but that would have happened either way. My only child grandmother was actually disappointed when I told her I was pregnant with my second. She loves the closeness she had with all the adults in her family, but she does complain that she has only one cousin in the "whole wide world" My first cousin asked her mom and dad for a baby many years ago, they said, fine, but then you have to share all your toys. After a few minutes of thinking, she said Mom, can I have a kitten? That cousin is now pregnant with what will be her only child.

We choose to stop at two pregnancies. My personal thought was I did not feel the need to be outnumbered by my children. THere are four of us and we are very happy. Once my three year old is a little older, we do want to become a foster family, but we are done with biological children. Pregnancy and childbirth were difficult for me.

Best of luck, it is never an easy choice either way!

Hi J.,

Here's a little glimpse into my life. I'm an only child who lost both parents by the time I was 18 years old. I've always wanted a sibling to share life with and memories of childhood, etc. Life can be very lonely when you don't have an immediate family member. Fortunately I'm married now and have a 16 month old daughter and daughter #2 due mid-March. I knew without a doubt I wanted more than one child... and probably more than two or three :) Family is very important to me, maybe moreso because of my lack of one for a while. Ultimately God is in control. If He wants you to have another child, you will, even if you're not trying :) Keep us posted!

L.

I have never met anyone who has regretted a child they had, however you may one day regret not having another one. That being said, only you can decide what's best for your family. Best wishes!

I know exactly how you feel. Three years ago after the birth of our son I was ready to have another one. I thought for sure we'd have two, but it didn't happen. I think my son would be ecstatic to have a sibling, and my reasoning is exactly like yours. I'm the baby of my family out of 6 (8 including my Dads' daughters). My DH is the oldest and has one brother...he doesn't share my thoughts on this issues. I gave up thinking of having another.

Oh, boy, do I have a handle on what you're talking about! We're talking about the same thing right now. Our son is almost 2. Here's where I stand.
I completely agree with Christy. I have 2 brothers and a lil sister (8 years difference). I couldn't imagine my life without them. They're crazy, cool, drive me crazy, and love me unconditionally (even though at times we wish we could). I desperately want another child for this reason... cradle to grave, they belong to you and you to them... it teaches responsibility and humility, etc. etc.)

My husband has 1 sibling (3 years difference) and they're the most different people on the planet... close, but probably shouldn't be ha!) They're always having 'drama' between the two of them... BUT! They're parents pitted them against each other all the time growing up... comparing, etc. (WHOLE 'NUTHER TOPIC)

I say - GO FOR IT! You will not regret it. Just remember, that each child is their own person, and shouldn't be compared to or positioned against each other... EVER!

My husband and I were pretty sure we only wanted one child after my daughter was born in 1998. But something happened when she went to kindergarten, I just felt like the years had gone by so fast and she was so big and didn't need me like she did as a baby/toddler. When she went to first grade, I really felt like it was now or never. We decided to see what would happen, if we conceived again, great. If we didn't then we had the best little girl in the world. Wouldn't you know it, I was pregnant within about three months with B/B twins. Now THAT was a shock to two people that weren't even sure if we wanted a second much less a third. If you don't feel the urge now, I'm pretty sure you'll feel it when your little boys gets close to big school and you realize you may never know the joy of a little one again. Also, you realize at that time that those years weren't as bad as they may have seemed so doing it all again doesn't seem too crazy. :-) Best Wishes on whatever you decide.

I see why you are conflicted, but honestly no one here can really tell you anything you don't already know. There are pros and cons to both sides. I was an only child, and grew up perfectly happy. Most of my friends had siblings and were just as happy. I can tell you one reason I wanted to have more than one was because I wanted my son to have family when he was older and my husband and I are no longer around. I know that's a silly thing to think about, but I do feel better knowing he'll always have family. I had this horrible thought of something happening to us and him having no one (neither of us have large families). My son will be 26 months old when my daughter will be born. I am very nervous about having "two in diapers," but I preferred to have them closer together so they can grow up together even though they may not be the best of friends.

Just to share my experiences with you. Growing up, I was the second marriage baby. Both of my brothers are 10 years older than I am, and though I love them, I have never really been close to them. I basically grew up as an only child because both of my brothers lived with their other parents. It was lonely at times and I aways thought I wanted a little brother or sister growing up, but life was good. I never had to compete for attention.

On the flip side, I just had my third child on December 4th and I am constantly amazed at how my children get along and interact. My four year old daughter loves her brothers and the biggest issue we face is when my 17 month old gets into her things. We were concerned that my 17 month old would hate the new baby because he is very attached to me, however, he has been so amazing with the new baby. He loves him and is always kissing him and even helps with doing somethings (tossing diapers in the trash, holding the bottle, etc.)

I am not saying that everyday is all rosy and bright, but its fun, and like I said, amazing to see how they all get along!

Good luck in your decision, whatever it may be I am sure your son will have a good life!!

My first child was four years old when the second was born, and we didn't have to go through much if any of the jealousy, acting out and all of those types of issues. It has really been a blessing to have them spread out like that even now that they are 8 and 12 years old. The day after my youngest's 8th birthday, we found out that we are expecting baby number 3. I know that seems a little unusual, but it is so nice to only have to care for one new baby at a time, and to be able to go through pregnancy without the trials of a toddler at the same time. My husband comes from a family of 5 children, and they were all born pretty close together. They are all now in their 30's and 40's, and still fight like cats and dogs. If I had been their mother when they were little, I probably would have just gone stark raving mad! At least now, she can just ignore them and go to her own home when she gets tired of their bickering. She has even told me stories about how she would have them all in their high chairs, lined up around the kitchen so that she could cook their meals without having them all dangerously underfoot. LOL! I'm sure that it works out for some families, but I just couldn't picture that for myself.

I have a sister 16 mos younger and we never got along. I am a perfectionist or was and she was a cowgirl. We shared one bedroom and I guess I was jealous from the start. We still are not real close but now will defend each other and since mom is getting older we are getting closer in our late fifties. But my brothers are two years apart and very close. They both work on cars fish and go camping all the time. They have boys and they do outside stuff. So having them too close may be hard. My experience is if the first one is mild to raise wait the second one can be a holly tear. I have two children in my day care girls that are two years apart and very close. The parents work a lot on loving and protecting one another. So just depends and is a choice of yours to make. Fiancially today raising child is way more expensive then it was years ago. Before I had children my step son from the time he was 5 would come for visits. He always wanted some alone time but what happens with children that have no siblings is they are always bored. Two can play and play and entertain each other and you really never need tv. They are so much fun to watch. They have their fights and they are suppose to learn people skills better but my son never did. Just all children and all parents are different. Good Luck God Bless Merry Christmas G. W

I have a brother that is 18 months younger and one that is 9 years younger. I have very different relationships with each one, but I can't imagine my life without them. Most of my childhood memories involve my brother and I doing something together. My parents were a very important influence in my life, but my brother was my best friend. I would never suggest having another child if it is not right for you and your family, but I really think having a sibling can be the best gift someone can give their childern.

Hi J.,

I know how you arew feeling. I remember thinking that it might not be so bad for our daughter to be an only child. Mainly because I could not even think about caring for another baby. I did not know how anyone had more than one. Well low and behold I became pregnant when my daughter was only 10 months old. This was unplanned and I was devasted. I kept thinking how could I possibly take care and love another baby as much as I do this one. Well, it was the best thing I ever did! We were blessed with a baby boy. they are now 4ys and 2.5, although my son thinks he is4 just like his big sis! To experience the realtionship grow and the bond they share is more than heart-warming. I am an only child and always wanted a brother or sister, so I'm very happy to have changed the dynamics of our family.

It's a hrd decision and I'm glad ours just happened, because I don't know if I would have got to the point to say okay let's do it. Although, I don't think things just happen. I do believe in a higher force.

Anyways, I just wanted to say my girl and boy play together really well and are very close. Sure they have their moments, but I would not change a thing.

I hope this helps....
Sincerely,
Bristy

This really is a personal decision between you and your DH, but personally I can say that it is great and challenging having more than one!! I know a few only children who have a hard time playing with younger kids and sharing, and I don't mean the occasional not sharing episodes that go with every child I mean really not wanting to share anything. I have three sons and when I see my oldest playing with his younger brothers he is so gentle (he has had a lot of practice), and he in turn is gentle with all little kids that he is around. My middle son does really well playing and sharing with his brothers. In that same breath it is challenging also, you really are spread out thin, there is one of you and two or more of them. Some days it can be really hard and you feel that you don't have enough time with each of them on their own. I think that you will make a wise decision for your family. Good Luck!!

I have a now 26 month old son and an 8 month old daughter. They are 18 months apart and while them both being in diapers is a little intimidating its not that bad. Since my son is only 25 lbs and my daughter is now 19.5 lbs I can put them in the same size diaper yay!!! 1 box lasts a little over 2 weeks and is only like $14 at Wal-Mart. That all being said I love how they play together. It is the sweetest thing in the world. I read the other posts and agree that this is definitely something you and your husband should discuss and agree on together. But if you start trying now then they will be able to grow up together and that is good for kids. And as far as the comment about not being able to give 100% attention to each child that is easy to solve. When you and Dad are off together each of you spend some 1 on 1 time with each kid and just swap kids for different off days. My son loves coming to the store with me so that is "our" time. My daughter then gets Dad all to herself while we are gone. She always wants Dad now that I stopped breastfeeding so that is what we do for our family. Then of course we have plenty of family together time. Movie and popcorn/bottle is a great way to knock the kids out so Mom and Dad can have some together time too. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Hi J.! Maybe your askin on the wrong day, because I have two and they have been fighting since this morning and I think I'm going to go crazy! A little dramatic I know, but just one of those days. I have a 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter. As for your question I really think it is a personal choice. You can't make siblings like eachother and I find siblings of opposit sex have different interest. I have a cousin whose brother is over 5 years older that him and as children they had nothin in common, but as adults they are now close. I have a brother 2 years younger and adore, but not close. I think today we have different lifestyles and want more especially for our children. As women I think it is natural to want another child. You sound like a great mom and long story short is enjoy because he is still young and maybe in a few months or year you'll know more. No need to decide now. Just keep doing what you have been and your child we always feel apart of his family with or without siblings.

From one mom to another, J.

I say go for it, I can't imagine not having my brother and we are 7 years apart, but the best of friends now at 33 and 40. WHen are parents are gone we will have each other and who else do you have from cradle to grave but your siblings.

Of course I am bias, lol, I have 5 kids :)

I think wether or not to have more children is something we all tend to overthink, and all the overthinking can drive you mad! In my opinion, I think it's best to just see what happens -- b/c no matter what, you will adapt your life to whatever happens. If you have another child, then ya'll will adapt, and if you don't , you'll adapt to that also. You'll "work with what you've got" and no matter what you choose, that will be the "right" life for your family. As long as you and your husband are loving parents and available to your son when he needs you, he will not miss out on anything wether he has a sibling or not.

Personally, I have 4 children. The first two were not planned, the third was planned, and the fourth was almost planned (we finally agreed to have a fourth - but by that time I was already pregnant only we didn't know it, lol). Mine are 11, 9, 5 1/2, and 3. They are all very close, even the 11 yr old and 3 yr old.But that is how we raise them and how we run our home, we are a family unit that only works right when we work together. I love my children dearly, and they love each other dearly, they do have their occasionall squabbles, but that's life. For us, we wouldn't have it any other way, and we do still plan on adopting in a few years. For us a big family works and we love it that way.

I have a brother who is 1 year and 2 months older than me, we did NOT get along as kids, and did NOT get along as teenagers. Now as adults we finally get along. It was never about our age, it was just b/c we had a very bumpy lifestyle. My husband has a sister who is 13 years older than him, they get along great.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide! God Bless!

It is not just the age difference.

It is sex, parenting, personalities, ...a lot of things that play into how close siblings are.

My sisters and I are all many years apart also, but we are fairly close. I was the youngest and they helped raise me, literally.

My own kids were newborn, 4 yr, and 5 year olds. So they were much closer in age. We did not allow them to do any physical or verbal fighting. They could wrestle in play, but no hitting, kicking, biting, etc. They could joke around, but no name calling, no put-downs, etc. They are all very good friends and get along great.
Sometimes they are treated equally--like all boys get a new razor if they are shaving. Sometimes they are all treated differently according to ages and abilities- like dd was in 4 activities at once because she loves to be doing things, but the boys were only in 1 or 2 activities because they like to be home more.

So you raise each child according to their needs and you 'train' them on how to be best friends. They don't come out knowing that. All of our kids have very different interests but they learned how to all work together for things. When the barn needed cleaning out I still made the boys help with it even though they had no animals out there. We were all working as a team toward a goal. They learned to not grumble because it did not get them out of the work--they learned they were helping mom and sis and we would help them with something in return. ;-)

So if you want your son to have a sib, go for it. I know he will probably enjoy it and you will love watching the kids interact together. ;-D

When I married my husband, he had a 5 year old daughter. My husband was a change of life baby, so although he had siblings, they were grown and married. He did not want his daughter to be an only child because he hated it. We decided to start trying immediately so our child would not be so much younger than his daughter. I refer to her as my bonus child. I got pregnant 3 months later. When that baby was born, I felt like I had completed it all. I gave him a son and we had a daughter already. They were 6 years apart. A few months later, I turned up pregnant again. I gave birth to a second son 2 years and 4 days after the first son. There are pros and cons to the age difference and closeness but I assure you I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Two in diapers was a little crazy!

We were at the same point several years ago. Hubby liked how things were and didn't want a change. I was happy too but felt something missing. I was getting to an age that it was do something or it would be too late. As it was, getting pregnant wasn't easy for us and only on the last possible try were we successful. Now I can't imagine what my life would be like without my son. He adds another dimension to our family. I shudder to think what we would've missed without him. My kids are 4.5 years apart and I was worried the older one would not be happy but she has been great. She's learned to be patient and very caring. They play together and fight together and we all learn together. Since you are asking this question you must be serious but like someone said, don't do it for him because all siblings aren't best friends. It's a big step but a wonderful one. Best of luck with your decision.

My son is 4 and he is an only child. We have a great circle of friends that have kids his age and he also has friends from basketball and school. Maybe someday we will add another but it truely isn't in the plan for us.

My husband was one of five kids. His oldest sister is 7 yrs old then him. His youngest brother is a yr younger. They are all pretty close.

I am one of 4 kids. I am the oldest. My youngest brother is 12 yrs younger then me. I am close with them also.

It depends on what works for your family. There is no right or wrong answer but I think your family can be happy whatever you decide! I have a ton of people tell me I am making a mistake by having an only child but to look at my son we know we are a great family. He is a perfectly adjusted happy little boy.

We were going to have just one child ! My daughter turned
"3" & I told my husband lets have another one! He said he only wanted one, so I decided I did not agree with him ! I quit doing the shot b.c. & probably within 3-4 months I was pregnant ! We had a boy ! And can you believe my husband was thrilled to death ! To this day he would be lost without that boy ! I say, everybody should have at least "2" children ! Both my children have been such a joy ! We would be lost without them ! PLUS they keep each other company & play very well together..........good luck !

I think this is ultimately a decision only you and your husband can make, but I have a daughter who is going to be 2 on Friday and I am pregnant with #2 due in May (a boy). We're so excited to be having one of each and I am really happy that my daughter will have a sibling. My husband and I both have one sibling each, so I think it just made sense to us. We both never wanted an only child, so it really wasn't a discussion with us, but I think if you're worried about your son having a sibling to be close with, then you should have another one. I do think that you and your husband have to agree on what you want to do though. I don't agree with "surprising" him by stopping birth control and not telling him. As far as your family dynamic is concerned, I think another child can only enhance that. Best of luck to you!

My husband and his brother are nine years apart and although they are now both adults and married with kids, they can't seem to form a relationship. IT's very sad. My ex had two brothers 11 and 13 years older then him.

On the flip side, my sister and I are less then two years apart. My girls are 5,4,2 1/2 and 9 months. They are playmates and it is WONDERFUL that they always have a friend around. I highly recommend that you consider having another child (and soon, because you don't want them far apart in age- my sister's girls are exactly 3 years apart and even that was stretching it a bit!!)

But, I believe that all life is in the hands of God anyway!!

S., mom to four girls

Obviously you guys have to decide what is right for your family, but it was really important to us that our daughter have a sibling. My husband was an only child and didn't want our daughter to be an only child.

We have 2 girls now, a 4 year old and a 6 month old. Watching them play together makes my heart melt. There's nothing like it. I know they won't always get along like the do now, but I'm glad they have each other. I can't imagine my life without my sister.

We had also decided we would only have one child when my son was about your son's age. However, someone else had other plans for us and my second son was born when my first was 2 1/2. My boys are close, but I wouldn't count on your two kids apparently having the great, close relationship that your husband remembers he had growing up. My boys are close and love one another, but they fight alot. Their personalities are day and nite different, so there is just alot of natural conflict. So, in one sense you are 100% correct that having another child will absolutely change the balance of things in your house and no matter how hard you try, you will not be able to give your first child (nor your 2nd) all the attention you would like. That all said, you're very young and don't have to rush this decision at all. I have noticed that folks that have a bit more spacing (e.g., 4-6 years) between their kids have it a little easier than those of us with less than 3 years age difference. You are also right that 9 years spacing isn't so great, although two of my brothers (there were 7 kids in my family) that are 8 years apart in age are very, very close - they built their homes next to each other.

I highly recommend having a second child. My kids are 2-1/2 years apart. Son is 7-1/2 and daughter is 5. They get along great! I felt the same way--having my son alone was just great and my husband was somewhat reluctant to have a second child at first. Once we decided, he was fully supportive. Giving your child a sibling is a wonderful thing, and you will have twice the love to give and receive! Just like you couldn't imagine how fantastic your first child would be so it is with the second.

B.

Well, My oppinion is have more kids. My husband is an only child and I have a sister 7 years older so i felt like an only child. my best friend is an only child and her parents are having serious health problems and she is having to take care of them all alone its real hard on her. my Husband is in the same boat and I am as well because my sister lives in another state and does not come around. any way, we have 3 young boys ages 5 and under and they are all 21 months apart and im not saying its not easy but I look forward to every minute of our big family! good luck!- A. j

I also have a sibling that came latter then me. She and I are 13 years apart. We are close but the dynamics are different than siblings that are closer in age. I have a two year old and ask myself the same question. I asked my peditrician when would be the best time to have a second child. She told me either by the time the oldest is 18mths or wait until he/she will be 3. I think that everyone should have a sibling to grow up with. I wanted one so bad when I was little. There are no guarantees though that just because the sibilings are close in age that they will be close in life. I think it's hard to imagine loving another child as much as the one you have. You will though should that be your choice. Just some thoughts...

C.

Hi. My sister in law is an only child and she wants to have atleast 2 kiddos! My sister and I are 10 yrs apart. We were not close growing up, but we are super close now! My brother is about 22 months older than me. It was nice having someone there for me anytime! But it is up to you and your husband!

You have to do what is best for you and your family. There is nothing wrong with having an only child. There is nothing wrong with having another baby, either. The hard part is figuring out what is best for you.

This is a very personal decision for you. I had a good friend growing up who was an only child. She was so lonely at home, and I decided after seeing her loneliness that I would never just have one. I think that a child deserves a sibling...someone to talk to that knows him so well. Growing up in the same house with the same parents creates a bond that I think would be almost impossible to replace with someone else. I think he would be forever grateful to you if you gave him a sibling. Good luck with your decision!

This is definitely a very personal topic where I feel you have to follow what is in your heart.

However, I will say that I grew up with a younger sister (four years between us) and I just can't imagine not having her around. Because of the age span, we were not super close until she got to high-school, but it seems like our relationship grew as we got older and now she is someone that I talk to at least once a day and I cherish our relationship. My twins are only 6 months younger than her oldest son and it is so fun at this age (3) to see them all play together. My other nephew is just turning one, and I think in a couple years all four kids will really have a ball playing together. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've had a wonderful sibling experience that has continued to extend as we have had our own children. I had some friends growing up who were only children that did seem a bit lonely. If you decide not to have another child, I think it would be very important to ensure that your son has plenty of opportunity to get social time in with other kids via playgroups, classes, and/or preschool programs.

Wishing you all the best in your decision...

I know you already got tons of great answers, but I have to agree with most of them and say that what ever you and your husband decide will be perfect for you.
A family can not always be planned and part of the fun is learning from each other. My children teach each other many things and I learn from them as well. Growing up with a close sibling is an automatic way to learn how to interact in a social group, practice compromise, and build/repair relationships that will last. I PROMISE that you will love a second child just as much as your first and though your life will be busier, it will also be more full of love and togetherness because you care enough to make it that way. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to see my 2 year old walk up to his baby sister and hold her hand when he thinks i'm not looking. Just make sure you make the decision for yourselves and not for your son...sounds like he already has a great life and awesome parents.