To Go or Not - Chicago,IL

Take the baby. If you do not you will regret it. Let the dying man have some enjoyment before he goes home. Please. Buy the baby a seat, bring carseat. You do what you have to do. Take lots of pictures this way years from now the baby can see her grandpa. This is no time to only think of yourself and how difficult it might be. It's not about you. Sorry you are going thru this, but do the right thing.

If it were me? I would do whatever my husband asked of me. To include bringing the baby.

I strongly recommend that you get baby's ears checked to ensure that there isn't an infection (or even mild inflammation). I flew from Germany to Seattle with a 7 month old and until we took to the air I was unaware of his little infection. He was miserable, and so was everyone else. Poor....everyone. So please be sure that any URI's are cleared up.

ETA: Going isn't about your baby or even your father in law. It's about fulfilling your HUSBAND'S emotional needs for closure. It's about your husband feeling the need for your baby and you to be present when he says goodbye to his dad on this earth for the last time.

Bring the baby - what can you do. Your husband is making this request of you. Yes, it will suck - but just remind yourself why you are doing this and you'll get through it. And you're only remembering how bad it was. Maybe this time will be different.

Anyway - go and support your husband and make the most of it. You will be very glad that you gave him and his dad this last wish.

Good luck during this terrible time.

I would go. Don't let one bad experience set you up for anxiety over future experiences. My oldest son was a challenge in everything from birth through, well, today, 15 years later. Nothing with him was easy. I thought that people who talked about easy experiences were lying!

My point is that you have no idea how the baby will be in travel. Expect the worst, hope for the best and hopefully be surprised with it being easier than the first time you did this with a baby. Lots of babies handle air travel just fine - yours might shock you and be one of them.

Maybe I'm heartless but I would not drag her over there for a very short time period, especially if you went to Ireland twice last year already and the in-laws didn't come to you when they could have.

I just flew to France last year and CANNOT imagine that flight with an infant. And to not have a non-stop flight coming home. Yikes.

And do you have a passport for an infant?

I guess the only way I'd do it is if my husband felt it was the absolute most important, right thing to do under any circumstances. Otherwise I would send him to see his dad and stay home with the kids.

Good luck with the decision. I'm so sorry that your FIL is going through this, and you guys too.

ETA: The other thing I would not like is my husband and I leaving the country together and going overseas without ALL of our kids. I think your kids have to come first in this decision - not your FIL (as mean as that sounds).

I would not put a baby through an international flight and jet lag unless it was absolutely unavoidable. And I mean fleeing for your life unavoidable, not let grandpa who lives far away hold her once before he dies unavoidable. Grandpa knows what she looks like. As for meeting her - it's not like they're going to have time to form any kind of a bond. She will not remember him when she's grown. He will not remember her when he's dead.

J.:

When my mother was dying in September - she did NOT want her grandchildren to see her like that - she wanted them to remember her as she was.

As to the baby? Each child is different. This child may travel just fine. Is your father in law in a hospital or at home? I know when my mom was in the hospital - they did not allow anyone under 2 on that floor. I've never been to Ireland (sad to say!!) so I don't know how things work there.

If he's under hospice care - are their needles or drugs out? Is your daughter crawling and inquisitive? If so- that would kinda bother me - especially if I'm there to help and would have to be attending to my daughter all the time.

Personally? I would just go with my husband and make arrangements for all of the kids to stay in the U.S. You can go and help your mother in law - make sure she knows about the bills, insurance, car repairs, home repairs - get a list set up for her on who to call for what.

Get your father in law settled. Let your husband say his good-byes...and make sure you do as well.

What are you going to do when he dies? Will his mother expect you guys to be at the funeral? If so? Then I MIGHT look into just letting my husband go and then plan for the funeral.

Talk with your husband and really communicate about how you feel about this trip. It's not about you not wanting to go - it's about all the other stuff - and leaving the kids, etc. Then is your daughter going to be allowed in the hospital - if that's where he is - or what is going on at home....

Your family is still in my prayers!!

ETA: Where is FIL? In a hospital ICU? In a Hospice? At home?
Depending on where he is, the facility may NOT even, let a baby, be there.
So, have you/your Husband thought of that? Or asked the facility where your FIL is?
When my late Dad was very ill and in a hospital, they ONLY let immediate family enter his room. NO kids. Either.

And has FIL actually requested, that baby come to visit him?

Seems like you already booked the flight. And you all leave in 2 weeks. Better get your passports, and bring along your baby's vaccination records and insurance cards etc.
-------------------------

Okay, not to be heartless either, as the previous responder said below: but I would not go, not take the baby.
This is an international flight, and trip.

How old is your baby?
Has it had all of his/her vaccinations?
I say this because, in my State, there was a 6 month old baby that died, due to Pertussis, that had not had his vaccinations. While on a trip, the baby got sick, from an Aunty who thought she just had a common cold. But it was Pertussis. Which displays differently in an adult, versus a baby. Anyway, the baby got real sick, by the time they got the baby to a Doc/Hospital, it was too late. The baby, died.

When would you be going on this trip?
Now? Winter? Spring? Summer?
The time/season of the year, for me at least, would matter.
We went to Europe one year for Christmas. Winter. It was very cold and snowing everyday. I got, seriously sick, when I was there. And had to go to emergency. My Asthma also got very affected. It was not fun. I spent our so called "vacation" very ill.

Next: it is a long flight. I have in-laws that live abroad in Europe. It is expensive. It takes us, 24 hours to fly there, one-way. We have NOT taken both of our kids there yet. Only my daughter has gone. When she was older. Not a baby. She was close to 8 when she went on that trip. And it was a long long flight. Even for an adult, it is a long flight that is hard to take.

If FIL wants to see her... you can do Skype. Like you have been doing.

Also, being he is ill, I highly doubt THEY will come to visit you.... even if you went there twice, already. Last year. And well, THEY opted to go on "their usual Spanish holiday instead." Not visiting, you, here. But you have gone, there.
I have in-laws like that. My Husband's family/Mom will not come here. Even if they can. They tell us we have to go there. Which, if we had millions of dollars in disposable cash, we could go there as often as they want. But we, cannot. It is not realistic, at all. For us.

Really, I would not go there, with the baby.
Your Husband can go, himself.
You should not have to be so conflicted and burdened about this.
And I am not meaning to be heartless about this.

I would go with my baby and my husband.

I would take my baby to meet her grandfather. I would take tons of pictures and try to make some wonderful memories.

I also just don't believe in traveling by plane without administering some kind of Tylenol or Motrin to my little ones about 1/2 hour before take off and if the time allows depending on how long the flight is 1/2 hour before landing. This way much to the ear discomfort from the pressure in the plane is somewhat covered. I've traveled on flights with six children 9 years old to 9 months old.

I also make certain I have plenty to keep them busy and practice sitting for long periods of time at the house long before we step one toe on a plane.

For a moment please put yourself in his shoes, he wants to see and touch and hug her before he dies? Wouldn't you want your in-law to do the same for you if you were in his shoes? This also has to be tough on you hubby who really needs you. If you had traditional vows this would definitely fall under the "FOR WORSE" category.

I say suck it up and do it. Make certain baby has all of her shots to current and ask her doctor if there are any added shots recommended for a trip of this nature. The only way I would leave baby behind is if baby was sick. Then she would be a high risk to her grandfather and shouldn't go.

Your husband should go say goodbye to his father.
You should stay home with the baby and other kids.
If the baby goes she WILL be the focus.
Besides getting a passport for the baby, she's going to have to be up to date on her shots for international travel.
It is recommended you start this 3-4 MONTHS before you travel - so 2 weeks is not enough time.

It sounds like your husband wants you there with the baby. If it were me, I would do what my husband wanted me to do during this difficult time.
So sorry you are going through this.

Sigh....I am so sorry J.. This is so sad.

I think down deep I would know it would mean so much to FIL to have some joy before passing on. I know it would mean so much to my husband to have me there for support. Soooo, I would go.

Prepare for a rough time with baby. Prepare for lots of tears of frustration due to baby,exhaustion and sadness because of FIL passing. Prepare for your husband to be on edge and moody...he is losing his dad. This is not a vacation..it is going to be rough.

I want you to know that I have traveled a bit lately on vacations and I do not have a baby in toe. When I hear little ones crying on the plane...my heart goes out to the parents and that wee little one. I remember those days of traveling with a baby or toddler. They are off schedule and cooped up..and unhappy. Many passengers will be compassionate..don't worry about the rude ones that give you looks.

So, I am a vote for going. You might regret going during every exhausting moment you are there. But, once you come home... you will not have any regrets for the years to come because you will know you granted a dying man's last wish. Give him that gift...

I am so sorry...it must be so rough. I am saying a silent prayer for you and your family to feel comfort and peace among the sadness and heartache.

"It seems like I'd be putting a lot of work on a lot of people just so my FIL can meet his grandbaby for the first and only time."

If it was me I would move heaven and earth so my mom could see my child before she dies. I know it would mean so much to her.

It literally is a once in a lifetime thing. If it was just so he could meet your baby as a baby but would still be around 3 years down the road when travelling would be easier I would not bother. But to meet his grandchild one time before he dies... surely worth some inconveniences on your part.

Good luck.

I think it depends on how strongly your husband feels. I'd be like you even if it was my own father I think. Mothers are just more focused on our children and what's best for them than fathers are. I'd also worry about all 3 of us on one airplane leaving 2 kids behind even though I know statistically driving is safter. But this is one of those things that you have to know whether your husband will resent you or not if you don't go with the baby. I got lucky in a sense that we were going home to visit anyway so my FIL got to meet our youngest not too long before he died. I know it means something to my husband that his dad got to meet and hold our youngest and I'm glad we had the opportunity. It was a long trip too. Not as long but 6 hours of flying time plus travel after landing etc and both kids were really young. It did suck! But my husband is the type that it was really really impt his dad met our youngest. If I'd said no, he would probably resent me a bit whereas if the situation was reversed, I wouldn't feel like that. Or who knows - maybe if it really was my dad I would. I'm fortunate he's still alive and didn't have to make that choice... So I think you have to know how impt this is to your husband. If it is, compromise and at least buy a seat for the baby. Insist on that. I used to lie our child down on the two seats and sit on the floor and soothe her that way and she'd sleep. When you get there, hopefully family will take over a bit and you can sleep then. I feel for you. Not easy no matter what. But it's a week of hell vs a lifetime of potential regret and resentment?... I say potential bc that's where you have to know your husband.

ETA This is about your husband wanting his father to meet his youngest grandchild.

Take baby so that granddad can see her before he leaves this earth.
.
Get all the shots, the passports and things in order. Take lots of photos for all back home to see. Be there as a rock for your husband. He will need it even if he does not say it. I just recently did this type of trip with my husband to his brother's memorial service. He, too, died of cancer. Hubby thanked me for being there in his hour of need.

We wives have to do things sometimes that are not on the list to keep peace and a happy family. What we do as a family teaches our children how to respond in kind to other humans.

You will be in my thoughts.

the other S.

I would go with baby yes. It sounds like a special family moment.

This is your husbands call. It's a big one and I'm sure he knows that. Lay it all out for him and tell him to make the decision and that's the right thing to do. And if you really want that seat for the baby then you should get it; that's called compromise.

In one of your previous posts, you said that your husband wanted to go without you and the kids. Has he had a C. of heart? Or does he want you to come because he feels bad that you won't be able to say goodbye in person to your FIL?

Since you are nursing, you and your baby are a package deal. How does your husband feel about going alone? I know he could use your company, on the flights, but would he prefer that you not be there when he is trying to comfort his mother and say his goodbyes to his father?

I think your baby would be a total distraction and add unnecessary stress to the whole situation. Would your husband feel better if he went alone, knowing that you are holding down the fort at home? I know my husband would.

Good luck with your decision. And I'm so sorry about your FIL.

If he feels you two should go. Then go if you can get a passport for the baby in time

Hi J.,
Like I said in a previous response...go.
I'd probably take the entire family because, well, this is it.
I know the trip will be difficult for the baby.
Can your husband use some FMLA days? This us exactly what they're for.
Can you get an educational trip pass for the older kids?

I say go. It will be taxing, but its probably the right thing to do by your husband and by your father in law.

a word of advice, see how much you will be charged in taxes and fees for your lap baby, and compare to the full ticket price. when viewed from that vantage, you might consider just springing for that extra seat.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

We made two international flights with one or both of our boys under 2. They were difficult, but we arrived and returned safely. If to see his grand baby is a dying man's wish, thirty hours of distress can be survived.
When we traveled with our babies, we sat in the row right after the first class dividing wall. The flight attendants attached a bassinet to the wall, and they were able to sleep for the times between our holding them. They still cried, but we all survived, and certainly the trip was worth the 30 hours of stress.
You didn't mention the age of your baby. What vaccinations? Ireland is not an infectious nation. Call your pediatrician! Go order that passport!

I'm always so amazed by varying responses. Of course, I would do what hubby wants at this time. You cannot get a redo of this. Years later, all of your children can say that they met their Irish grandpa.

One mama said she would not put her baby through this. The baby will get over the jet lag. The child will never get over the fact that he never met grandpa and the other siblings did.

Go!

I still say take the whole family, your husband should be able to talk to his employers and get time for this situation.

Take all the kids and make a trip out of it. They all need to see him one more time and have that chance to say goodbye.

Otherwise wait until he's gone then all attend the funeral and make it a 10 day trip. Take off on a Friday, fly out that morning. Get to Ireland on Saturday or Sunday. Stay Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and fly out Friday morning or afternoon.

Don't deny your kids this trip. It's a big deal when a grand parent passes away.

I would go with hubby and bring pictures and if possible some video of the baby and kids. If he is dying a baby will be a distraction your husband does not need and neither do you. Go, visit and spend as much time as you can with him without the distraction and worry about a whiny, fussy baby.

It sounds like you've made your decision, and I think it's the right one. For all the pain and heartache, I know you'd love for FIL to meet the baby, but if he's not specifically requesting it... It just doesn't sound like it would be worth all the work. And, would you really even be able to "enjoy" the time with him? It's sad to say, but my daughter and her 3 cousins have never met their grandpa. My FIL passed away 5 months before my oldest nephew (first grandbaby) was born--FIL was fairly young, but in poor health--it was entirely unexpected.
We do make it a point to tell our daughter (I hope SIL does the same with her kids) about her grandpa and show her pictures. It really isn't the same thing, but lots and lots of kids never meet their grandparents. It'll be okay. I think your husband should go and spend as much time with his dad as he can.