To Charge or Not to Charge, That My Friends, Is the Question

We reap what we sow. That's a universal principle. If you are asking me, then yes. I give things away whenver I can.

I think giving a few to her and not all of them is perfectly fine... it is more then she has now, right? When a lady I know from embroidery sites ended up taking in her niece's child and in need of clothing I went through some of my granddaughter's outgrown clothes (with my daughter in law) and found a few outfits and pj's to send to her. Giving doesn't mean that you give all you have, especially since you are selling them for extra cash. I do feel sorry for a mother who is trying to make ends meet with a husband who spends and drinks all their money away. Sounds to me that she could use a good friend to help her out of the situation more then anything.

Why would you charge her if she does not have any money anyways???Just do something good once in a while!!!Give her the clothes for free!!!
Isn't Christmas a reminder of giving? I would never charge a poor lady for my leftover clothes,but that's me!If you want to,tell her,when she's done with the clothes,to give them back to you so you can sell them or give them to somebody else!
BTW I don't mean to be mean but to me there is no question here,it's obvious!She needs it!

I would probably give her the stuff that doesnt sell. If it takes more than a week to sell it, pass it on. Do you have outfits left that your sister gave you? Give those to her. Technically they are borrowed anyways.
This lady needs help, it isnt her fault her husband has a problem. Yes, she could leave him. You arent in her shoes though and probably dont know the whole story. You definitely dont owe her any or everything you have, but it would be a nice gesture to pass some stuff along.

I would give her several outfits/blankets/burp cloths/toys/crib sheets since she does sound like she really needs them, and it must be horrible to be in her situation. Though if you want to sell or save some, then that is fine too. But me personally, would feel bad if I didn't at least give some items to a person in need, whether I personally knew them or not.

Sounds like she is in need.
I'd pick out some things and pass them along.

ETA: any clothes that you still have--from your sister--should go immediately to this family. She may have said something to her friend like "I had lots of clothes--I gave a BUNCH to my sister, I'll see if she's done with them."
I would assume you are NOT selling clothes that were given to you, right?

this is not a question of what you have done for your sis....nor vice/versa. This is a question of whether or not you are able to give from the heart.....or do you need the extra income from the sale of these clothes?

Personally, I would give some of the clothes....particularly the practical outfits, the ones which will be used most. Take a lesson from your sis & be a giver! It truly will make you feel "good", & if you get your kids involved in the picking/choosing....it will teach them the all-important life skill of "giving". A win-win situation!

I think it would depend on whether or not I was counting on and really needed the money the clothes might bring. If not, then I would give them to her. I personally don't feel the need to know anything about someone I am donating used clothing to. The bottom line is my kid can't use them anymore and someone else's can. I like the idea of clothes being used until they are worn out. It makes me feel like I will get my money's worth when I buy clothing.

Sounds like you are a tit-for-tat person. You think you have to do things for your sister because she gave you a bunch of clothes for your child? Why can't someone do something for someone else just because they want to or because the other person needs it? Why does it have to be in repayment for something? If you do something for someone else, do you expect "repayment"? That is not a charitable attitude and it sounds like your "charity" comes with strings attached.

I say give her the clothes. Who knows, you may end up needing something from someone and they will want to first "judge" your situation before helping. Would that make you feel good? To unto others.....

sorry - I donate or give whenever I can.

yeah - I might wonder if they will be sold and the money used for alcohol for the husband - but really - that's not your concern. Please try to not think negatively of the people and help them out.

You have been taken care of - now take care of someone else. Pay it forward.

You know, giving should be done from the heart.....not based on some imaginary score card or whether you know someone personally or not. If you feel this woman is in need and you can help her out a little, why not? You never know when you might be in need yourself.

Paying it forward is never a bad idea in my mind. You said yourself this is "extra" money, not income you need to live on. Why not give a little of your extra to someone else in need?

Split the difference. Since your sister asked you to, and she gave you so many clothes, I think that's fair. Honestly, I wouldn't count you two as "even" just because you have transported her son. (Babysitting your nephew should not even count.) The reason I say this is that you would have done plenty of driving to go shopping for clothes, and spending a ton of time out shopping to boot. I LOVED getting hand-me-downs from my SIL - I really did. I told both her and her husband over and over how much I appreciated having them because it saved me trying to figure out what worked for my kids and all the time factor (as well as the money). In fact, I hardly bought clothes for my kids because of it. My SIL appreciated that I was so thoughtful as to thank her and have the boys thank her, that she continued doing this until her son was off to college. Her box of clothes is gone now, but I will never forget her generosity.

In that vein, I have passed on her generosity to giving to others who are actually in need. I think this lady DOES qualify, because she cannot control that awful husband of hers. Don't be surprised if she ends up HAVING to divorce him to be able to protect her kids :(

But it is fine for you to pick out the least worn, best clothes and sell them yourself. That's why I mention splitting the difference.

Dawn

I don't give because of the parents, I give for the children who have no choice in the way they grow up. If you have some clothes in there you don't want to give to a stranger because they mean something and you would like to see them worn by someone you know, keep those out of the pile, but even children with terrible parents need to feel good about themselves in some way or another.

You have every right to feel the way you do. I have given stuff to people after my youngest was done with them. Cause I was not going to have anymore kids. I gave one person almost all the bedroom stuff and stroller / carryer but it was someone I knew like you said. If you feel you need to give her some stuff give her the stuff that will be harder to sell. That's what I would do. You should not feel obligated to give what you don't want to and don't let your sister make you feel bad. Like you said you are selling them to bring in some extra cash. That way you can buy your child stuff they can fit into now. My sister in law has tried to sell me stuff that her kids didn't use anymore and that's family.

Hmmm....I get where you are coming from. My girlfriend asked me the same thing for her niece. I don't know the girl at all and knew they were coming from a tough place. I had a ton of clothes that had been given to me so I gave her a bag full as well. I picked out some of my favorite outfits that I may want to pass on to a cousin or brother who is having kids and gave her the rest. Pay it forward.
L.

I can understand where you are coming from. I think it is a good idea, to give her some of what you have, but not all. You might see if the kids need clothes for the cold weather, and go that route. If not, I'd just give them some shorts and shirts and go with that. You are not obligated to this woman, and I'm sure she can use some of her husband's drinking money and go to Goodwill.

Do what you feel is right, whatever that may be.

I know, purely as a parallel... I give away money to homeless people all the time. NOT all homeless people. I just have an internal "Yup. You." There is no standard of criteria other than I happen to be there at that moment, and it happens to feel right. High, sober, old, young, professional beggar, hugely embarassed, crazy, sane, crippled, heathy, new kid on the street, jaded kid, working girl/boy... I just go with my gut. For some, it will buy them solace from their nightmares for a bit (drugs, booze), for others it will buy them food, for others... who knows? I get the impulse and follow it. Now... I've BEEN homeless, so I know the "types" that are out there, including one type pretending to be another type... so I've got pretty good radar.

WHY do I bring this up? Because I'm usually with other people. I've found, in my own life, that when I follow my gut... I feel good about it. When I follow what the other person says when my gut is saying EITHER "No." or "Yes.", I regret it. I can't always explain, or even often explain, WHY I feel a yes or no... but it's there. So I've learned to ignore other people's opinions and trust my gut. Doing what felt right has yet to lead me astray. It might one day, but it hasn't yet.

So my ADVICE is to follow your gut.

My CAVEATS are these:

1) The clothes aren't really for this family, they're for your sister. She's the one asking for them. It's a favor to HER, not to them.

2) I've been married to that man. The one who will spend $1000 in a week, while my son and I are trying to make $50 cover formula, diapers, and food for me in that same week. (($50 buys enough of NONE of the above, btw. )). Living with such a man is sooooooo much harder than being a single mom. When you're a single mom you don't have someone making your life HARDER. It's just YOU. Anything they can give you is bonus! I can't even begin to quantify how much BETTER life is as a single mom than a mom married to jerk who leaves you with crumbs to work with at BEST.

But leaving that man is HARD. Unbelievably hard. Because they're not always "like that". If they were, leaving would be easy! Instead, most of the time addicts, abusers, cads... are JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S spouses. They're kind, loving, smart, funny, thoughtful. We TRUST the people we love. We believe them, or at least believe IN them long past a time when we should. We know marriage is "work". Everyone goes through hard times, right? What a terrible person would I be, some gold digging slitch, if I left over money? Everyone has a bad day, loses their temper. How would I want my spouse to respond to me if *I* screwed up? The litany goes on. Until one day, hope dies.

Until then, you're living the life of a single parent, with ALL of it drawbacks, and NONE of it's benefits.

And you know, most of us anyhow, that it really IS our fault. Because we choose to stay. It's MY fault if my son doesn't have clothes that fit... because I stay. Because I trusted someone I know I shouldn't. So you do your best to cover the gaps. To try and hold a family together. To do right by your children... even when there is someone actively kicking out your legs from underneath you... you keep trying, and trying, and trying. Until hope dies.

This is the life of someone living with an addict or an abuser. The person who should be helping you the most, leaving you in the lurch. Not helping. Making things 1000x harder.

No baby asks to be born into a poor family. Help out as much as you can. I'm sure it will come around, one way or another to you.

I frequently list things on Craigslist for free, and people usually snap them up within the hour. Even near new and sometime brand new items my guy can not use. I used to sell them on eBay but it's too much of a hassle anymore and not worth my time for the money I make.

As Cheryl said, it's not your concern, you've been helped, just pay it forward with a happy heart. God wants us to help others, and it's His place to judge and deal with situations, not ours. What goes around comes around, you will be blessed again : )

your so what happened made me laugh, i like your attitude. and i like you are calling things the way we are hearing them.
but i also believe in good karma. who knows what will happen to the clothes you give her but you know what? that doesn't count. what counts is your generosity and nothing goes unappreciated from all mighty or whoever is watching us.
i donate all my stuff. i give away everything. trust me, i could charge a lot for what i give away because i buy all brand stuff for my kids, all new, and they barely get to wear them because they have so much. yet, i like helping people in need. not for the thank you i get, but for the feeling i get. so just help these twinkies in need.
as a mama of twins, let me tell you, those bundles of joys cost a lot :)

I personally would give all the clothes to her, I'd probably go through my garage and give her a bunch of other stuff too. Not sure of your financial situation but we are talking about a few bags of baby clothes, right? Why are details about her circumstances so important to you. You either want to help someone from your heart or you do not, period.
I like the very first response from Live Bold_. The point is the giving, not how much someone else "deserves" it accordingly to the information you have. I mean really, you're using the Dad's problems as basis for consideration on whether or not to help the children? Sounds a bit snippy to me.

I say give her a small bag and sell the really good ones. It will keep the peace.

How about this: If you have nice, name brand stuff that you are selling at good prices, take a part of what you're getting for the sale and go to the thrift store & get some clothes for the twins and then give them. That is, if that compromise is one you can live with and one your sister can live with (like, if she sees the twins, is the type who is going to ask her friend what you gave her?).

Give her what you can, then sell the rest. I think that's fair. Don't stress over it. It's not like you're saying no.

Perfect chat question. The answers tell as much about our background and experiences as does your question.

Isn't it interesting how each of us has different ways of living and giving? I was raised without relatives to share with, so we always gave everything away to any neighbor, the church, and the Salvation Army. A relative through marriage grew up in a very large, close family and had the experience of giving within family only. (Truly the extended family was so large, it was like a village.) Recently when I mentioned giving something to a charity, the relative seemed less comfortable with giving to folks she didn't know. I learned a completely different perspective. And this woman is truly very generous with monetary donations. It's just that she hadn't ever experienced giving family items or clothes to strangers. You probably should do what you and your husband are most comfortable with, not because you do or do not owe your sister, but because of what you think is right. All my best to you and your family.

It sounds like you have a bad feeling about this and you should listen to your gut. Its wonderful if you can give, but only give if you want to---not because your sister is pressuring you etc. There are other organizations that can help this twin mama with clothes and other items if she is really in desperate need of them. You can politely decline and wish them well. Just because your sister asked, doesn't mean you have to give in-- :) If you feel better about giving a few outfits, give a few and leave it at that. Best wishes and good luck!

M

Don't focus on the family, focus on the kids who deserve to have nice pretty things. Make a small package of very useful wearable stuff - onsies, footsie jammies, socks, Sell the rest. I think it is kind to help children who are suffering, but not at the expense of your family's financial health either. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

Well...here's a shining light.

We are really, really poor. However, my mother and mother-in-law love to shop, love their grandchildren, and provide them with SO MUCH MORE than they need as far as clothes go. They have too many.

I have a neighbor who is also poor...and doesn't have the family resources we do. Her children wear dirty, stained, second hand clothes. She has two boys and a toddler girl. I have two girls...one toddler. So she GIVES me her toddlers castoffs (about a year older than mine) and I feel so guilty because I would NEVER use them (mostly because I don't need them) so I give them to the Salvation Army. I want to save my older daughter's clothes for my younger because my mom doesn't buy nearly as much for my younger one...but I'll weed through and pick out some nice things to give back to this woman just because she's thoughtful of me.

I rely on garage sale money EVERY year, or my children would never get to swim or go to the fair...the summer activities, essentially. But whatever I don't sell in six hours goes on the free table and then to the Salvation Army.

If your sister is asking, maybe she has a soft spot for this women and her children. I certainly don't think it would be a bad thing to donate some of what you have to her, especially if you don't NEED the money, necessarily. It really isn't about what someone has done for you or what you've done for someone...it's about the moment and the need.

And look at it this way...the people who are buying your clothes might not be that hard up, and there children would have clothes no matter what...where this other woman might be my neighbor, whose children always look a total mess because they just don't have nice clothes. Who is more deserving? I dunno. But think of the children first, and try to forget about the adult and the drama. :) It's hard, I know!

I wish some one would give ME some clothes...sigh... :)

I dunno... I might do a little of both. Maybe give a couple of outfits and feel what you want to sell. I usually end up giving clothes away because I've been too disorganized to sell them.

I feel like if you knew the situation better and really felt inclined to give them away then you would, and if you weren't interested in selling them, then you'd just take them to the thrift shop.

I wouldn't feel too bad. We all give in different ways. If you aren't wanting to give the clothes, then don't. I'm sure that you aren't rolling in the dough or you wouldn't be selling them. There's nothing wrong with you selling them and making a bit of extra cash for your family and your kids' needs.

You bought them...you own them....you can do whatever you please with them....period!

I am kind of in the same boat. We are, I think, done having kids, and I have some very nice clothes, and some playclothes. I am saving the very nice clothes that my kids wore a lot, because I'm too sentimentally attached to them to send them on. The nicer clothes I'm giving to my sister, who had twins a few months before my youngest was born (the genders work out for this). I'm consigning what I don't want. I feel bad not saving them for my sister-in-law, who would like to be pregnant but either because she and her husband can't get on the same page, or because he travels a lot, or because she's 36, she's not yet pregnant. But I feel the same way--the nice stuff I want to go to happy places, places I feel the people will appreciate it. I know, it's not necessarily big of me, but I guess I feel like I have an emotional attachment to some of these things, making it hard to send them on to places where I don't know the situation.

I always take my girls' clothes to the consignment shop. The clothes they won't take or that don't sell I donate. Think of it the same way.

If you have some really cute Halloween (I have had several Disney costumes that were quite expensive) or holiday outfits keep those to sell. The stuff that is a little harder to sell is easier to just give away anyways.

Don't feel guilty about not giving your clothes away. You don't have to. If you're enjoying reselling them for some extra income or as a hobby, just tell your sister you had some other plans for them, but will let her know if and when you still have anything left. I've had some garage sales in past years I really enjoyed, and other years I've just donated old clothes to save time and effort. No right or wrong answer here. Is your sister really going to be upset with you for saying nicely, "sorry, I'm not ready to donate them yet?" If so, she has issues. I wouldn't over analyze this family's story, trying to decide if they're worthy or not. I do think second hand baby clothes are pretty easy to find for those in need.

Tell your sister you don't have any clothes to be given away, but tell her that her friend can find them all on craigslist for "modest prices/good money.

Win win.

As a mother of twins I know it is hard. But I dont think you should have to give anything away. When people bought me things at rummage sales or askednif I wanted to go through some there baby clothes I always offered to pay. If you are willing, allow her to look through the items you have and set prices on them that you are willing to accept. Then she can choose if she is willing to pay for them. A mom that brings here daughter to the same sitter as me let me look through a bin of clothes and told me 0.25 per onsie, 0.50 per pant or shirt and 1.00 per outfit or pj. Worked out great, I got to pick based on my budget and what I liked. Granted she was offering me " garage sale" prices and maybe you are looking for more. Just an idea.

Tell your sister to have them go use freecycle.org. They should be able to post there wanted needs or receive things from other freecyclers that they need. It's awsome for getting stuff for free that you can not afford.

When one gives a gift, one has to be able to release it to them to do with as they please - use them, sell, them burn them, turn them into flags. Try not to wrap her into your tit-for-tat relationship with your sister. Either you want to give her the clothes or you don't. And if you are thinking of this as lost revenue, consider if you would give her cash outright? How does that make you feel?

We have received tons of hand me downs and new clothes, but while I looked into selling some, I'm more about moving things *out* of my house and have passed on tons of clothes, sold others or donated them and itemized our taxes. But I'm also saving the really nice ones for a garage sale. Granted, we don't need the money as much so I'm willing to share and do essentially clothe the son of a low income family. But I enjoy it. If you don't, or don't want to share, that is your prerogative.

If you need to appease your sister, but don't want to give them away, just pass over a small bag of things that probably won't get sold.

Why don't people use birthcontrol????? But that is another column.

Im not in your situation but all I know is I'm getting a bunch of goodies for a friend who is having a baby. Bouncer, Bumbo, clothes, I let one friend use my Madela double breast pump, and now the other friend is going to use it just get new plastic parts. I'll try and sell it AFTER she's done. I get tons of boy clothes from a buddy's sister in-law for free. I do whatever I can t help friends out and friends always do the same for me.

Sell the clothes.

I'll make it simple - for every PM you got before I posted this (or even after - let's see who puts their money where your mouth is) - donate one item of clothing. You get 5 PMs asking for an address where to send $ or new/used clothing - you match. Item for item.

I would give them to her, but I am not all about $$$$. All my baby items were donated to the domestic violence safe house here in town, or the woman and children homeless shelter. I would rather know that the items I am done with are being used by someone who needs and appreciates them than try to make a little extra cash off of them. So in short, I would give her the cloths.