Tired of Being Married.

I would let it go. You sound so unhappy. I know plenty of couples who decided it was over and are better for it. The kids know, and can sense when things are wrong. Maybe both of you will be better people to each other as friends. I am truyly sorry for you. I hope things work out for you. :)

It sounds to me like you already know what you want to do. It's not at all unusual to feel confused - very confused when you reach a point as you have. You've been married a long time and it can seem that that's the way it should always be. At the same time, though, not wanting to be there any longer. I can very much relate to your story.

In the end it's for you to be comfortable in whatever decision feels right to you. You are young. You can make a fresh start if that is what you decide you need to do to find real happiness.

It can be very painful to let go. And very scary as well. Very! If you really take time to listen closely to your heart, you will find all the answers and guidance you need to support you in whatever you do.

Good luck L.. Keep in touch with Mamas. We're here to support one another. With care...

Hi L.
The positive thing here is that you are in tune and honest with your real feelings.Thats the first step.
At least you are saying it out and not hiding it with fake smiles.Alot of women do.
As for the next step ,what are you going to do about it ?,that your choice.
As you know there are two options ,stay and try to make the best of it or start making plans to move forward.
Its a cliche but life is too short and happiness should be your right.
Wishing you all the best through this time
xBernie

If you don't love him and you're miserable, call a lawyer! You don't need to be unhappy with someone you don't love for the rest of your life. If you can't stand for him to touch you, then it's probably time to move on!

Hi L., sounds like neither one of you have actually TRIED to make this better for 21 years, that would be your first step! With no communication, he can't possibly even KNOW how miserable you are, and likewise you can't know what his mindset is either. Tell him what you've told us, you will definately need a good counselor, ask him please to go with you, if he refuses, go yourself anyway, even if he doesn't like it. Can't just throw 21 years in the garbage based on the fact that both your mouthes are wired shut. Go see someone, try to sort it out. Good Luck!

well I understand how you feel but can you honestly say that you have put forth 110% towards this relationship? You need to watch the movie Fireproof and if you don't do that at the very least get the book called "The Love Dare". You question your love for this man but there must have been something that made you marry him and have 7 of his children? What was that? Love is a choice.....but sometimes even though one person chooses to love another doesn't always equal out to the same type of love. Such as you can be in love with someone but they could be abusive and I think in that type of situation it is best to leave or someone that constantly cheats on their spouse. I totally understand what you are going through because I myself have a husband that doesn't help out much-he has been lately but it won't last. The only reason he is doing so is because I have basically told him when the school year is over I am leaving him. He doesn't seem to understand or acknowledge all of the damage he has created over the years and I don't care how many times he cooks dinner or how many times he cleans the kitchen or whatever. There are other issues within the relationship that continue to NOT get addressed (even though I have tried)and he refuses to go and get the help he needs so therefore I have to move on because I am tired of getting hurt again and again. I have honestly tried 110% one person cannot put in all the effort of a marriage in order for it to work. You both have to be on the same page in a sense that you want things to work out within the marriage. Marriage is not an easy thing by any means. It takes alot of hard work but sometimes you have to re-evaluate those things and consider "Is this a deal breaker for me?" Men have it so easy in my opinion. I think most of the time their mental capacity is "Well I go to work so therefore I don't have to do anything else". I totally disagree especially when you have children together and you have 7!!!!!???? And he doesn't help you with anything???? That is ridicoulous! Like I tell my husband I didn't get pregnant with twins on my own-he took part in that so he should also take part in raising them which includes their needs and cares to be met on a daily basis by not ONE but two. He lives in the household as well therefore he can participate in doing things as well-even though he doesn't and it is a major problem within the marriage because I feel as though its not a partnership. I tried doing the love dare book-it didn't help with my situation but I do not encourage people to divorce but try and work things out but I also know that you know when it's done but just make sure you re-evaluate things and can honestly say you tried everything. Counseling or whatever but not one person can put forth the effort and have things work out.

No, you're not supposed to stay in a marriage that you do not want to a man you do not love. Of course change is hard and scary. You want out of your marriage, then consult a lawyer.

But only you can make that decision. We can't make it for you.

Have you considered some form of counselling, perhaps through your place of worship? This might help you both to become clear about the state your marriage is in and assist in you either change some things together or to seperate.

im sorry,but i know how you feel i was married 15years i got married very young and had two childern.i got to wear i did not feel like having sex with him,didnt want him touching me,i felt like i hated him so much.but i was scared to leave but i finally got the nerve to do it,now im remarried to a wonderful husband:-) life goes on....L. you need to make urself happy because if u aint happy then u sure cant make nobody eles happy,and the fighting all the time aint good for the childern& ur health.....if the marrige can't be fixed get out of it..........dont live another day bein so unhappy.....i wish you the best:-) if u need to talk im here trust me i know how u feel.....takecare&be safe

It does not sound like there is anything left here. You are going to get comments that you should stay with him and sleep with him until the kids move out.

But is that fair to you? Is that fair to him? Is that the type of marriage you want your kids to seek out in their own lives? Is it fair to them?

(is your answer to all 4 of those a resounding "no"?)

Im guessing that you dont think therapy will work, and that there is no forseen turnaround in how you feel. I hate to say it (and i would fight for my own marriage in the most stressful of times, but i deeply love my husband) but i think the answer is staring you in the face.

NO this isn't your life sounds like you have made up your mind.Your unhappy he's unhappy just because you have 7 children toghether you need to do what is best all around,your mental health is just important as your childrens.

I really think you both should see a marriage counselor first. Married couples do fight, but it sounds like your arguements are really heated and probably do not stick to the topic of the fight. My guess is that the fights wind up in calling each other names and down grading each other. Marriage really is about compromise. 2 people coming together for 1 purpose/goal. The more you do for each other and understand each other, the more love grows. Love cannot grow where their is stress. You have stress with trying to do all the house chores and take care of everyone. Your hubby has stress on his job, which is probably why he doesn't feel like doing anyting including taking out the trash. You might even have to get together to set up a schedule for when and who does what, but you have to do it in an understanding manner. I'm not Mormon, but I got a hold of a free Mormon video under the disguist of learning how to deal with family arguements. It said that the fighting words are "always" and "never," because nobody always does something and nobody never does something; it only seems that way.

You deserve to be happy! Having said that, if there is anyway you could save your marriage you should try. Only you know in your heart what is right for you. You may need to seek councling to work out your feelings. Weather you go as a couple, or just you that would prob. be a huge help to you. You do not need to stay with him because of your children! Children know when things are not right, and really you would be setting a bad example if you stayed just for that. (Children learn from their parents example!) 21 years is a long time, and we all find things about our spouse we do not like. It would be a shame to throw it away if it could be saved, but only you can make that decision. Not every marriage can be saved. Please seek professional help to help you make your decision! Best of luck to you!

L., get out of that marriage while you can. I was and still am married to the same guy for the last 40 years, and God, I have lost all my respect and trust in him. If I need to advise women, especially the younger ones, that if they are unhappy with their marriage on a very early stage, just get out. My husband had all the vices, from gambling to womanizing. He gambled a lot of money and would you believe that at one time, he went home from the casino without our car. He sold it to the usurers lurking around the casino. He had all my jewelries stolen and would you believe, I even had to hide my purse all the time because he would steal just to gamble. I hated him from 38 years ago and I still hate him but unfortunately it is too late to leave him at this time. I am no longer young and I need companionship. Don't even think of him touching me. Intimacy has been out of the picture for the last ten years. Get out, L., now!

I was in the same place...I just prayed to God to take him out of my life...and then it happened...a big fight with him & my daughter...and that was all it took...it was over...hooray for me...I am so at peace...no more headaches and being misarable...if you feel like you don't want to do the divorce thing...just separate...because its going to come to a head and when it does...just be careful...but do what your heart says...if your kids are grown then why can't you just leave if your not happy...

please seek out real help. This is not the place to get advice on whether or not to stay in a marriage. I am sorry to hear that you have felt so unhappy. You spoke of your beliefs. I would suggest reaching out to your church for direction. Reading and applying Love and Respect and Sacred Marriage, getting counseling and holding on to my faith, changed my marriage that I thought I couldn't stay in. Please get support from women you know and trust.

This is your life. You deserve happiness. If this guy has character issues and is not doing the work to make you happy and preserve the relationship, then I think it is perfectly okay to chalk this relationship up to "lesson learned" and go out there and find your second chance in life.

Just make sure that you have your ducks in a row in terms of how the separation is going to take place and how the divorce is to be handled. I am assuming that you still have some minor children to take care of, so you will want to handle the transition as carefully and proactively as possible. Start doing your investigation now on what your assets and liabilities now because once you separate, you may find your husband trying to withold stuff ($$$) just to get back at you.

Sometimes relationships just don't work out but the positive side to this one is that you do have your children and you know a lot more about what you don't want in your next relationship. You are still young so go out and embrace life and don't settle for anything less than a spectacular man next time.

Wishing you all the best.

How old are your children? If any of them still live at home then you need to stay in this marriage and do everything you can to make it work. (which does not include refusing to have sex with him or telling him to get someone else).
Your seven children deserve you putting some real effort into this marriage, No just putting up with him isn't real effort. Try reading the book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" it will give you some real insight to your behavior.
You can change this marriage. I'm sure your husband has his own side of things. Probably something like, "My wife refuses to have sex with me, doesn't appreciate the fact that I work to support our family, and is constantly nagging me. She doesn't even like me. What do I do?"
Don't throw away 21 years of marriage, make a decision to change it for the better.

I suggest you make 2 lists. One list of the good and bad things there are to being married to him and another of the good and bad things if you divorced. Its sounds like you are a stay-at-home mom, so if you got divorced you would have to get a job and STIILL take out the garbage. I know that sounds mean, but it is a fact. Unless you work outside the home I dont see why you complain about the garbage. One of your 7 kids should be taking it out. I was a stay-at-home mom and I considered myself VERY lucky. I had 4 kids, cleaned, cooked, shopped, mowed,AND took out the garbage. I didnt expect him to do anything around the house. He worked all day, sure I did too, but if I felt like taking a break for an hour or so I could, he couldnt.
You say you disagree all the time, well it takes 2 to argue. Could it be that you just dont like your life anymore and are blaming him? Most likely your kids are older and dont need you anymore and you are bored. Find something to do outside the home for yourself and you alone. Take a dance class, go bowling, learn to paint, make jewelry. Join PTA and meet other women. If the kids are old enough get a part time job..or even a full time one. Dont think leaving him will make you all better. It wont. You will be lonely and trying to raise angry kids by yourself. They will be angry, because kids dont like changes. Change your life while still with him and see if it doesnt help your marriage. Who knows, your husband is probably bored too and when he sees you changing he might try to change also.

Please do not remain in this marriage. Life is too short and it seems like you're pretty clear about your feelings. God will not punish you for leaving a relationship that has no chance of improving. Good luck.

Oh honey, end your marriage. Life is too short and you are not being fair to yourself, your husband or the kids. They should have the pleasure of a happy mother, one who feel fulfilled, or they might repeat your pattern in unhappy marriages of their own. Of course you are scared. Change is scary. Being alone is scary. Facing all the people who might be disappointed in your decision is scary. Wondering if you will ever find someone else is scary. But don't make him be the bad guy, if you want out you will have to take a deep breath, find and lawyer and make your escape plan. Do it today.

If there is a slight chance you might be able to work things out, try couples counseling. If you are sure you want out, get counseling for yourself (NOT through church if your church says no divorce) and talk to a lawyer. It may take some time to get your finances in order and save some $ if possible (make sure you have decent credit in your name), line up a place to, live, etc.

Forget about your religious beliefs for a moment. This is your life, you've done right by your children, now you have 2 choices: You can either go to marriage counseling with your husband and try to have someone else tell him to start pulling his weight, or you can divorce him. You are 42, you have a long life ahead of you, it is no time to lay down and play dead. Work it out or get out. If you wait for him to leave you, you will just be wasting your life. You can take charge of your life.

Hi L.,

I haven't read the other answers yet, but I'll bet they mostly say it's time to end the marriage.

That is my advice. End the marriage. You deserve to be happy. You are not happy with this man. You have tried long and hard enough. You will be happier without him. You have your children. Whether or not you ever remarry doesn't matter. You deserve to find your personal happiness. With yourself. Now.

Good luck!

"Grams"
from the Pocono Mts. of PA