Three Year Old Has Major Attitude Problems

Oh yes! Dr. Sears has tons of excellent advice for this. I totally recommend reading his site and even getting his Discipline Book.

A lot of the behavioral tips are here:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

As difficult as this is to hear, toddlers are usually mimicking what they hear from others, parents, television, older children. They are little parrots, but everything gets magnified through their growing intensity as they become their own persons. Listen carefully to your daughter making some sassy or demanding comment, and chances are good you can find that same tone (adult version, of course) in things you tell her.

The single best way to get a child with a great attitude is to treat her respectfully, cheerfully, and with a great attitude. Use the "pleases" and "thank yous" and "sorries" you hope she will learn. She will, but she'll probably be closer to 4-5 years before she's consistent about it. There are no shortcuts. Spanking may get temporary compliance, but can't win over what she sees and hears around her every day.

Try to keep in mind that your child is in the most frustrating period of her young life. Most of her time is managed and scheduled by big people who don't see much of anything from her perspective. She sees so many things that she wants to do and touch, and is not allowed very much of it. And when she does get to hold something, she may not yet have the ability to interact with it in a satisfying way. So she's frustrated a good part of every day.

You are frustrated when she doesn't comply with what you need. That is really understandable. But your child's 'misbehavior' is only her way to show that some pressing need of her own isn't being met, and you are the only one in that team who's actually capable of controlling your reactions.

"Right and wrong" are concepts that she's only beginning to understand. From her point of view, it looks more like "what makes mommy happy or unhappy," and that can be very confusing if you are more or less tolerant on different days.

Here's my favorite list of tips and tricks to make the next year or so easier:

1. Trust that she is not "trying" to be naughty. Children don't really want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances.

2. Adults have the practice and self-control to make most of life meet our grownup expectations. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and it will be a while before she sees very much from your point of view. As exasperating as that is for you, she can't help it. It's just reality, and reality is easier to take if you can accept it.

3. Digging in heels and tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than the child is able to endure. This "new" behavior may seem to come out of the blue. The stress of travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.

4. When she wants something, empathize. Big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated by it. And they learn to tune it out. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," as in "Here, play with this," or "Can you hop over to me?" instead of "No, don't touch that," or "Stop that and come here right now!" Save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

5. Keep it playful. Children learn primarily through play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your daughter's sense of humor is developing, and you'll both be happier if you can nurture that. (Also be aware that some "behaviors," like throwing, are a natural experimental activity for kids, a form of play that is programmed into them for the purpose of developing brain/body connections. Find plenty of "acceptable" play outlets for those repeating behaviors.)

6. There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy that she gets to play with only at those times or keep her as playfully engaged in the process as possible. This often requires creativity, because each child is different.

7. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her activity/play. All children absolutely hate unexpected transitions (and so do most adults). With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)

8. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. Be calm. Be "as inevitable as the tides." Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve in an attempt to meet her own emotional needs. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

9. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. An already frustrated child doesn't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate. She didn't ask you to be so busy or so stressed.

10. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some tempting object or food they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Baby-proof your home. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take something away from her, or a healthy treat when she wants a sugary snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).

11. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.

12. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.

13. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. Look at your parenting contract, and you'll find it in tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices."

14. Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into cooperating, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

15. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your daughter, and make sure she knows. Remind yourself to do this even when you're tired or busy. Children seek attention and approval, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them. If she doesn't get that positive notice from you, she'll seek attention in other ways, and that often turns out to be misbehavior, because you notice it.

I wish you both well. A few weeks of this stage may have you feeling that it will go on forever, but it won't. Enjoy this magical time in your daughter's life.

Talk to her about what you expect from her with respect to her behavior. They don't understand intagibles like "attitude" . "Attitude" is a term used by parents who don't understand the process of a child seeking autonomy and self determination. Make a schedule-write it on a poster-and stick to it. This will provide the visual that she needs-get up, get dressed, make beds, tidy up room, have breakfast, brush teeth, do chores, have lunch, play. Reasonable-predictable. When you treat her with dignity and respect-you will get the same in return. When you assume that she has an attitude problem-that's what you will get-she will follow your cue-and do what you expect of her-so in a nutshell, change your expectations.

There are lots of answers but you will have to experiment to find what works best for you. I'm a mom of four daughters, 7 years to 19 years and I'll tell you how I've handled this successfully.
The first thing is to pick your battles in general. Attitude is a good battle because it leads to future serious disrespect but if you are too uptight or too laid back over everything, your important messages to your kids get lost in the chatter. Just like when dealing with adults, the key to communication is that you want the other person to actually HEAR you when you speak, not just hear you yelling and shut down or ignore you because you are ineffectual.
So, back to attitude. First, never let it slide. Never. If you are in public, remove your child from the public eye to have a firm discussion with her. It is very rare that a child is actually incorrigible without there being an underlying medical cause or the parent simply isn't expecting the child to behave any better. So be sure you are firm and clear about what you expect from your child. Even a 3 year old understands if you use clear language and never let it slide.
Second, even in play do not allow behaviors that fall into 'bad attitude' with you or other adults. Hitting, rude speech etc...not even for fun because it becomes confusing. This doesn't mean that fun rough housing isn't okay, just that it doesn't have to turn rude.
Lastly, feel free to jar your child out of their snotty behavior. There is nothing like abruptly pulling a rude child from the activity or social situation they are in for a firm discussion about how exactly they are going to act if they intend to continue participating in said activity.
Oh, one more pointer. Be extremely careful about rewarding good behavior in this case. In this world, we get all hung up on rewarding good behavior for anything but frankly, having a good attitude is exactly how your child should be behaving and if she gets it in her head that she deserves a treat for acting right, well...this is just wrong (and ultimately not her fault).
Good attitude is your responsibility to foster, bad attitude is yours to curb so make your expectations clear. Be firm. Don't make too big of a deal about it after you've addressed the issue. Praise good behavior but not overboard and no treats associated with it. Don't be afraid to remove your child from whatever the situation is to command her attention.
You can do it but you are Mama, you rule the situation so that later, your child will successfully be able to rule herself.
Good luck!

It's pretty normal for 3 year olds to test boundaries.
I know you said you've tried time out, but how are you doing it? We pretty much got our discipline technique from watching The Supernanny :)
Seriously, we have 4 children, and it has worked well with all of them- they are all well behaved- not because I'm some kind of parenting star, but because I just do what she does. In case you've never seen the show, this is how it works:

When your child does something she shouldn't do, give her one warning. Say, for example, she is rude to you or shouts no at you...look at her with a serious (but not angry) look, make sure she's looking at you too so you know she's paying attention, and say something like, "It is not nice to talk to Mommy like that. If you talk like that again, I'm going to put you in the naughty spot (you can call it something else if you want, but I like the term because I think it has more impact...and that's one of the terms she used for it).

She'll probably do it again just to test you- don't get mad, try to keep reminding yourself that it's just the age. (Not easy, I know)
Pick her up and set her in a space that you've designated the naughty spot.
Squat down to look her in the eye, and say with a very serious face, "I told you not to talk to me like that and you did not listen, so I am putting you in the naughty spot."
Walk away just far enough where you can see that she's there, but ignore her. She's 3, so she should stay there for 3 minutes. She most likely won't stay at 1st. If she leaves, just keep bringing her back. It's hard, but try not to get angry. You might spend an hour or more the 1st time you try this, but she'll eventually understand.
Don't talk to her when she keeps leaving, just keep putting her back- she's trying to get attention (even if it's negative), and you don't want to reward her with any.
When she's been there for her 3 minutes, go back over to her, squat down again, look her straight in the eye (this is important), repeat why you put her there, and add that she needs to say sorry.
When she does, give her a hug, thank her, and forget all about it- don't let her get the feeling you're still mad and just waiting for her to screw up again. She'll be more likely to. Try to get her doing something positive, if the situation allows. Ask her if she'd like to help you (you fill in the blank). If she says no, that's ok (providing there's no attitude in the no- if there is, gently remind her she needs to say it nicely) Maybe she'd like to draw or something instead.
If she refuses to say sorry, tell her ok, then she must stay until she says sorry.
There is no quick fix. This will take several days (at least) for her to improve to the degree you want her to. She will get there though, but you can never threaten and not follow through- or allow the behavior sometimes and not others. She won't be running away a hundred times for very long though- she'll realize she'll be free a lot faster if she stays put. And I think they actually start to look forward to the hug.

This won't last forever, and once you've been doing this for a while, you'll notice you don't often have to get past the warning. My 5 year old hasn't needed the naughty spot in well over a year now.

The only thing I can think to add is to remember to praise her whenever she does something good.
Good luck :)

I hate to break it to you, but this is just the beginning! ;) My favorite parenting book ever is "Parent Power!" by John Rosemond. He takes a very common-sense approach that has served us very well in our family. Bottom line, you have to address her behavior immediately each and every time she behaves unacceptably. Behaving rudely toward adults is not acceptable. I have found that whatever consequence you choose, it should be immediate AND memorable enough that the child will not choose to repeat the behavior again. (However, even so, from time to time kids will push the boundaries - that's normal - you just have to be right there with the consequence to show them that the boundary is still right where you said it would be!) It's all about consistency. As long as you are consistent with your rules and consequences, you will find yourself having to correct her less and less as time goes by. But, at this age you will have to correct her all the time until she learns what's expected of her. It's exhausting, but it will be worth it in the long run. Good luck!

NO SPANKING! She is already feeling one down. When she talks nasty to adults say "please use a soft voice". Use a soft voice when you talk to her.
She may have a belligerent friend or an older one who bosses her around.
When she doesn't want to pick her toys up set a time that it must be put in bags. Go and help her. Then put the bags away for a couple of weeks. Do you have different colored plastic boxes for her toys?
My daughters use plastic boxes of green for the train and tracks, blue for Lego, Yellow for blocks and so on.
You could have special places on shelves for each doll and stuffed animal.
Prior organization is a big help when it comes to getting the child to be able to pick things up. They don't know how to begin to put things away unless you have helped with the process in advance.
You can write the name of what goes in the box on the side and the cover and use an illustration as well.

Two great books that are very similar have been mentioned. 123 Magic is one and I think the other is Love and Logic. You can look them up online and may even be able to check them out at the library.

First thing I would do is, if she is watching tv, movie, or videos, stop letting her watch anything. She'll be upset at first, but will get used to it after a week or so. It is overstimulating for most kids, and also often models bad behavior which kids immediately imitate.